saunter down the absurd

a lost soul

[nevrakia]

Back at it again with the misery to the point where I need to shout these feelings again to the void.

I wonder when I'll ever be on the same page with a lover. There always seems to be a gap with the people I try to build a life with. When my feelings are as deep as the ocean floor, that's when the people only last for a limited time; a ticking bomb. I'm always pretty sure about it now that when I like a person too much, it won't work out.

(I'm too rusty to even speak of this time in a more creative way but there's definitely an idea here.)

[nevrakia]

BLACKPINK

[nevrakia]

One of my grand childhood dreams was to have a tree house a few strides away from home.

I had craved it to exist to cater me comfort whenever things were figuratively and literally messy at home, or at times when I didn’t feel like interacting with another person; a quick and sturdy refuge by the beach.

“Next time, magawa tayo,” my father promised.

I had almost forgotten about it until the recent surge of storms—mostly within myself—made me yearn again for a place of solace amid the familiar rubble.

What if I don’t survive this one, dad?

[nevrakia]

Stuck with this since February. Ugh. Can’t seem to find the energy or inspiration to finish. Good thing Paramore’s concert here in the Philippines is still months away. Hope I finish this in time.

[nevrakia]

In memory of the great Isao Takahata, co-founder of famed Studio Ghibli. Brighten up the heavens, Sir! ✨

[nevrakia]

How do people survive in such a cruel world?

[nevrakia]

It's the first time that I tried cutting with a blade.

I've been self-harming since my first year in high school but I've always resorted to punching walls or digging my nails in my skin. But today, I had the yearning for something more evil. My best friend told to me settle with the lesser evils like booze and cigarette but they just don't suffice. I need to be in pain. I deserve this. So I had the guts to buy a cutter.

No, I don't plan on killing myself (yet). I just need to feel; I'm numb from all the heaviness for the past few days. Or more like divert the emotional pain to these now sore arms. I don't know. I'm pretty messed up. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I want to mark this day. I wonder when I'll have the courage to stop being a burden to the people I love. Maybe soon.

I hope it's soon.

[nevrakia]

I'm such a miserable piece of shit.

[nevrakia]

I just realized that I've been going for girls whom I have no chance to be with [approximately] every four years for the last 12 years.

[nevrakia]

For tonight is the time to reminisce the good memories and leave out the sour ones (as much as possible)

[fixatedspace-deactivated2014112]

I asked you why your writings are encrypted with riddles and metaphors. You felt offended, said that it’s not your problem if I’m not willing to think. Believe me when I say that there isn’t a sentence from you that I haven’t gone over more than twice just to solve the mystery. I am not just one of your readers, but I am also your lover and vice versa. A man can grow tired of trying to find out your thoughts and emotions, when we should have a two-way communication from the beginning.

Darling, love should be simpler than this.

[nevrakia]

A friend shared to me his unsuccessful attempt at ending his life back then and continued on making a gag out of it by pointing out how much of a failure he is that he failed doing so. I just rode along and laughed with him, amazed at how he could talk about it in such a burlesque manner. My mind wandered to my recent attempts at hurting myself and desires of killing myself.

"At least worth it naman na hindi nag-succeed."

I smiled at his resolution. And the instant thought that came to my head was I wish I could tell him the same.

[nevrakia]

I don't know how to make the bad memories stop from coming back. They haunt me. And they break me every time. I feel strangled; unable to breathe.

[nevrakia]

Bliss is just a flight of fancy, a pipe dream.

[nevrakia]

I think I'll never forgive myself for letting it happen; for always allowing myself to passively 'agree' to things I'm not comfortable with then hurting after. It's my fault I'm in pain most of the time.

[freshmoviequotes]

Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989)

[nevrakia]

People would likely go away from me if they knew how morbid my day to day thoughts are.