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Welcome To The Black Parade

Oi Wet Slab, you Twab!

Come here doctor fucking Robotnik

Are you a Slam Poet or is that just your normal voice, you cock?

What are thooooooooose

Are you finnish? oh wait, I mean are you finished. this dish is terrible.

For the last fucking time, I don’t own any shirts without sonic on them.

I’m not Mary Berry in this scenario, you are. And I’m the two hosts.

Mince Fuck!

I would rather sit on my own fucking feet!

Delete your blog!

Get off the bus

James!

Have you seen mad max? you’re every bit of sand in that movie

You’re the moss on the bottom of a bridge, to put it in cooking terms

Fuck Mince!

Listen, Tamp Balls,

Just Shut It You Rope!

This Macaroni is delicious.

you’re a red cabbage mate

Sleeping with a full-size body pillow of Asuka from Neon Genesis Evangelion every night

Sweating lots except for your sweat is red due to high chromium deposits in the body so it looks like you’re bleeding out of your armpits all the time

Being the poorly-voiced celebrity of the week on South Park

Being in an awkward situation so you remove your head and put it in the arms of the person opposite you and then your head explodes like Alisa from Tekken

Eating the bones

Just Liking To Have A Good Time And Kick Back With Some Doritos And Mtn Dew Sometimes

Your prehensile tail

Having a wardrobe consisting entirely of Bazinga shirts or shirts that Sheldon has himself worn on the Big Bang Theory

Having to take on exploitative work for unethical companies to survive under the late capitalist system

Listening exclusively to Mahmoud Awad and Ke$ha, the only artists to truly reflect the female experience

Loveing Meme’s

Spending so much real money on stars in the Kim K game your home gets repossessed

The need to kill

Who Let The Dogs Out being the only song on your generation one iPod

Having totally whack trucks on your longboard

Not tying your laces

Wishing we had chipotle sauce in all our meals

Facing a powerful enemy

Backflipping

Counting

inheriting your mums vauxhall corsa instead of your dads land rover

that weird druid guy that lives out near your grandad

#RavelsBolero

#StagecoachBadman

#IsThatNigelFarage?

#SophisticatedEnoughToEatClementinesInPublic

#ParticlePhysics

#IfChaucersWorksWereSetToday

#WhatTheHellIsAVine?

#WhereAreMyWellingtonBoots

#GetMeThatBenilyn

#MegabusBadman

#SockSaleNowOnAtDFS

#FollowThatCar

#WhatAboutMyConstituency

#RickyGervaisFuckOff

#GreggsBoycott

#WhoIsTheChosenOne

#TheQueenBreathesAgain

#SuckYourMum

biodegrade

stillhereunfortunately

He was grown in a test tube.

He can speak 30 languages, 3 of which are only spoken by wrestlers.

He does not know there is a world outside of the WWE.

There are hundreds of earlier versions of him frozen in an underground lab.

He has troubling dreams about a vast blue emptiness above him that he doesn’t understand.

Even though he is the perfect genetically engineered wrestler, a lone scientist secretly worked to make an improved version of him.

His twin brother Dark John Cena is real and he is dangerous.

Dark John Cena is full of rage and vengeance against the WWE and humanity as a whole for his creation and imprisonment.

John Cena is the only thing powerful enough to face his brother. The clash between these two will decide the fate of the world.

He wasnt really a US Marine.

That haribo love heart just sitting there on the street! Quickly!

the ice cream sandwich you made 30 seconds ago. it’ll melt

If you don’t eat those chicken fillets you bought, they’ll go off

If you’re really strapped for cash, your own leg probably would make a terrific sandwich

Any people smaller than you. it will make you larger and more powerful

If you need to impress a girl, eat this entire knife right now. it will look awesome.

Any CDs you have lying about - eat them before Chris comes over and asks to borrow them

If you don’t eat that wasp, who will?

A copy of the Brixton Times. Media is changing and edible news is the latest attempt to re-energise the print industry.

Pigeons! All of them! Hurry! They’re escaping!!!

Keep an eye out for any rolls of Camembert. Useful if you need to repel any enemies with smelly breath.

That poster you have of the Spice Girls

Anything you want man, just do your thing, man, you know?

Johnny Depp in "Mortdecai"

Meryl Streep in "Kramer Vs Kramer"

Alan Arkin in "Grosse Pointe Blank"

Ivana Baquero in "Pan's Labyrinth"

Every Jennifer Connelly role to date

Ragho Da Silva, the sisyphean golem of soccer, who you'd summon on a saturday afternoon to even the numbers for a 5-a-side game

Jonny's wee brother Sam who said he could do ronaldinho stepovers

Kicking the ball into the river and having to go get it, swimming far far downriver, coming upon a forest glade, filled with morning dew long after noon. In the glade lay a beautiful princess, crying. You asked her why she was crying and as she turned to you, you realised her eyes were two bird's beaks. When you turned to run, your legs were rooted in place and the forest consumed you.

Getting your driving license revoked because you were only 7.

Your grandad's 50-yarder free kick which broke Adam's arm

Getting banned from the school football pitch for insisting on Hibs' superiority over Hearts.

Those footballs that leaked squid ink when you kicked them

telling your mates you had a trial with manchester united but you were actually going to gymnastics regionals and then had to tell them you were rejected from manchester united and could never admit you won regionals

Accidentally destroying a Praying Mantis nest and having praying mantises swarm over you and the neighbours

the goalposts in the park in hamilton drive, which let out bloodcurdling yelps when you hit the upright

those jumpers you could buy in toymaster with inbuilt goal line technology

The two escobars, a fascinating documentary offering insight into football (and politics) in Colombia which you watched round at Burnzy's house

not bringing a ball to the park so having to roll one up out of rubbish like in We Love Katamari

Scoring goals with your feet.

Scoring goals with your hibiscus

only wearing Nike shirts because stripey arms didnt match your aesthetic

having to learn dutch for your trial at Ajax

literally being Lionel Messi

the one dipstick who forgot to bring his corner flag to practice

when you all picked footballers you wanted to be during a match and one kid always went for Juan Sebastian Veron

accidentally murdering the neighbour when sneaking into his garden to get the ball back

Beautiful, bespoke silken socks

arguing for hours about the fiercest rivalry between blackpool and Fleetwood town or Stoke City and Port Vale

accidentally inventing Salomon Kalou

Archibald

Fizzgig

Pitbull

Dennis the Menace

Scrapbert Doobert

Metallica

Hamlet

Chipotle Mexican Grill

Screwball

Connecticut

Shadow the Hedgehog

420

Ms Frizzle

!!!

Missingno

Naruto

Enoby Dark'Ness Dementia Raven Way

Max Power

Chardee MacDennis

Jill

You don't make enough money to live off and the only housing available is penthouses for Russian oligarchs to own for tax evasion purposes

I mean I could go into reasons 2-57 but they're pretty much all derived from that

Also, knife crime, I guess

Paul McCartney

The (or indeed any) Moon

Actual food safe for humans to eat

Dinosaur eggs

The car Steve McQueen drives in Bullitt

Bee Movie on Blu-Ray, complete with over two hours of Jerry Seinfeld asking, “What’s the deal with Bee Movie? On Blu-Ray?”

MC Hammer

An answer to your existential crises

1988 Honda NSX

Directions to the nearest McDonalds

Bespoke, hand crafted furniture

Burger King products (not even a Whopper and especially not two Whoppers)

McGruff, the Crime Dog

McGriff, the Crime Dog

Just one friend who will listen to you for once even for a second

Your Pokemon healed. No, apparently you have to take them to a “Pokemon Center” and anyway, sir, those only exist “in the game”

Prizes for eating lots and lots of salt

Boat

McFlurry-

WAIT!

McFlurry served in a cowboy hat and a gun in it instead of a spoon and bullets instead of the ice cream

McFurry, my heavily erotic, burger-based animal zine

Tickets to a cinema screening of You, Me & Dupree

The car Steve McQueen chases in Bullitt

A positive reaction to climbing up on to the counter and humming the entirety of Megadeth’s Hangar 18 - DESPITE the fact that you nailed those guitar solos I mean you absolutely nailed them

#food cw //

Headless Halloween by R.L. Stine

Ghost Camp by R.L. Stine

Beware of the Purple Peanut Butter by R.L. Stine

The Cuckoo Clock of Doom by R.L. Stine

Invasion of the Body Squeezers: Part One by R.L. Stine

How I Got My Shrunken Head by R.L. Stine

Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes by R.L. Stine

Slappy's Nightmare by R.L. Stine

The Blob That Ate Everyone by R.L. Stine

Say Cheese & Die... Again! by R.L. Stine

My Hairiest Adventure by R.L. Stine

The Ghost Next Door by R.L. Stine

Why I'm Afraid of Bees by R.L. Stine

Secret Agent Grandma by R.L. Stine

Invasion of the Body Squeezers: Part Two by R.L. Stine

Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi

You’re going down punk,

just you FUCKNG WAIT!!

You will learn that this fandom is far worse than you will ever want to know.

We may seem soft

and shy,

but we’re just being NICE!

We can be cold,

cruel,

mean,

and make you suffer

and wish you had never said what you said.

We can send you into the farthest most empty reaches of the galaxy,

summon demons to our disposal to make you suffer,

and make you feel the feelings that we experience,

and don’t fucking think

for a single

goddamn

second

that’s easy!

The amount of emotions that would boil inside of you would literally kill you.

So keep

your

motherfucking

distance

and we won’t hurt you,

so stay the hell back,

asshole.

If you so much as insult us one more time,

we will bring firey hell upon you

and bitch slap you

into oblivion.

Your move,

dildo.

Visible only to the Scottish eye

The same as the British Pound except the Queen has a Hitler moustache drawn on

Reference Macbeth by covering all of the money in blood and no matter what you do you can’t get the blood off and your wallet and pockets get filled with blood all the time

Just join the Eurozone or something I dunno

Print the notes in the tartans of the most powerful Scottish clans

Dig up all the obsolete Irish Pounds and use them

Put the cast of Taggart on all the notes and replace the Queen on coins with Robbie Coltrane from Cracker

Establish a Benedictine Mint at Buckfast Abbey

Convert the entire nation to Bitcoin

Deep-fry it

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