NewsLab

testing the boundaries of 'news'

[newslabarticles]

Hey Ugly Face, This Headline Is Illegal Now

Legislators in Grenada have approved a bill that makes it a crime to offend people through websites such as Facebook and Twitter. Those found guilty could be fined up to $37,000 or face three years in prison. This has led to the immediate prosecution of the legislators themselves, who made the mistake of announcing the new policy via social media, offending everyone.

But not everyone has found it so easy to decide where they stand. “To be honest, I'm finding it hard to come down on either side of the fence,” said a different Skateordie Garcia. “On one hand, it's pretty much impossible to state a point of view without offending someone, but on the other hand, this could be our best chance yet to put Kyle Sandilands in jail. People in Grenada know who Kyle Sandilands is, right?”

According to a flawed google search, Skateordie Garcia is the most common name in Grenada.

Reported by Sam Rugg

[newslabarticles]

Rod Laver Arena Fined For Inciting Volcano Panic

After urging police to prosecute a 16 year old boy for tweeting the bomb-themed lyrics from a Pink song at a Pink concert, the Rod Laver Arena has been fined for generating panic among local dyslexics because its name looks a bit like ‘Rod Lava’. 

Fifteen local men called Laver have brought a similar class action suit against the arena for threatening them with being robbed, and another twelve are suing the venue for leading them to “lather their rods” in public.

“I understand their pain”, said Rod “Laver” Arena, cousin of Tina Arena. “Once I had to host an entire Rolling Stones concert inside me. It was painful and humiliating, but I was humming Angie for weeks”.

Reported by Dave Bloustien

[newslabarticles]

Engineers Sick Of God Stealing Their Credit

As investigators continue to pick through the wreckage of the Asiana Airlines Flight 214, looking for the cause of the crash, many have already decided why almost all the passengers survived. It was a miracle. But not everyone is so happy to thank God.

Heather is not alone in feeling under appreciated. God regularly gets the credit when people survive tragedies, whether it be a plane crash or cancer, especially in America. Firemen, doctors, safety inspectors and fire extinguishers are all increasingly wondering why they bother.

“And the worst part is, you know we're going to be blamed for whatever went wrong,” continues Heather. “It's never God's fault when things go wrong.”

Emergency workers have apologised for reviving some of the survivors, who God obviously wanted to die. “Otherwise he would have just let the plane land.”

We couldn't tell if God replied or not, but a beam of light did break majestically free from the clouds less than three hours after praying for comment.

Reported by Sam Rugg

[newslabarticles]

Thin Lips Sink Ships: Refugee Consumer Watchdog

Coalition leader Tony Abbott has vowed to crack down on people smugglers “and their customers” if elected as Australia’s next Prime Minister, putting him in conflict with both free market lobby groups and Australia’s Refugee Consumer Watchdog. 

A recent survey from CHOICE magazine showed that unlike every other country in the region, Australian refugees are being ripped off by the government monopoly on turning back boats. “Not only is the government planning to send refugees from Australia to more hospitable countries, but they’re doing it at great risk to the consumer and on the tax payer’s dollar,” writes Spokesparagraph Sam Serif, “This is exactly why we need the people smuggling industry to be deregulated in Australia”. 

But not everyone agrees. A spokes-spokesman from James Packer’s office argued that boats should be turned back by the government, in order for Australia to remain competitive with the trade on people smuggling in South East Asia. “As long as state government continues to pay for it, we’ll be launching a new line of floating casinos to ferry refugees in international waters. These are people who already prepared to gamble with their lives. Imagine what they’ll bid on roulette”. 

Reported by Dave Bloustien

[newslabarticles]

“Eat more antioxidants or whatever” says Depressed Celebrity Trainer

 By Alice Fraser

With summer just around the corner, we’re all looking for that glowing skin and those gorgeously angled protruding collarbones that signal either health or a dangerous eating disorder. We sat down with Sandy Richards, star trainer and celebrity nutritionist in her luxury home to get her top tips for losing those last five pounds.*

---

* you know, the last five pounds you lose before you lose the other last five pounds. It's like Zeno's paradox, but for body image issues.**

** EDNOS paradox.

[newslabarticles]

French Public Protest Tour de France: "We Forgot It Took This Long"

The public of rural France have expressed their outrage at the world-famous cycling event, complaining that thanks to the new, strict regulation of doping, the race seems to be ‘taking freaking forever’.

“Then the likes of Lance Armstrong and Floyd Landis came along and it everything got quicker.  I could watch the peloton zoom past and still get my turnip milk to the farmer’s market with plenty of time. All thanks to the wonders of drugs. Now what am I to do?”

Belgian Herman Winkeldink, currently 160th in the race, agreed with the general consensus.

“I never knew it was this hard!” he said, after accidentally swallowing his asthma inhaler at one of the many mountaintops competitors have to ascend. “I used to be able to power away from those idiots that run behind the bike, but now, with my chronic asthma and a lack of human growth hormones, they’re beating me to the top!”

The UCI proposed a compromise when they pitched the "Tour de Amsterdam", but the Dutch government didn't want cycling to tarnish the city's image. 

Reported by David Piepers

[newslabarticles]

Danish Police Admit Job Is Mostly Dealing With Lego Theft

In an interview with The Copenhagen Post, Police Spokesman Henrik Suhr confessed that the crime rate in Denmark is still low, despite the ongoing popularity of gritty Danish crime dramas like Broen and Forbrydelsen.

Statistics released by the Justice Department under the freedom of information act revealed that homicide in Denmark remained low, with fishmongering, drunk walking and unlicensed snow angels at an all-time high. However, none of these were technically crimes and the rates were still well below the global average.

The interview also revealed the general lack of sexual tension between rugged male investigators and their dour female partners. Illegal border crossing were also at record levels, although in most cases it was Danish nationals trying to escape, rather than the other way around.

Reported by Dave Bloustien

[newslabarticles]

Americans Jailed For Tweeting, Caged Birds Unsympathetic

Tweeting is no longer just another barrier to thoughtful consideration of complex issues, it's now an easy way to get arrested! US citizens have discovered to their surprise that publicly declaring their intent to assassinate the president is frowned upon by law enforcement agencies.

Many Americans are unhappy about the system. “It's not that I think we should all threaten the president, it's just that if they're going to jail people for tweets, there are so many people they should jail first,” said American internet addict Frederic Waterfeature. “Like Kanye West.”

Luckily for Barak Obama, the law doesn't work in reverse, leaving him free to threaten, and even actually murder, pretty much whoever he wants. Just today he tweeted “Bought a new drone, gonna kill some Pakistanis. LOLZ!”

Reported by Sam Rugg

[newslabarticles]

By Any Other Name, The Real Cause Of Egypt's Troubles

The Egyptian Government, made up primarily by members of the Muslim Brotherhood, has been ousted, and one man knows the real reason. Mohammad Badie, Supreme Leader of the Muslim Brotherhood.

Life has proved even harder for Badie's cousins, Osama Wrongdoer and Burn America Terrorist, founders of a non government organisation which provides artificial limbs to crippled beggar children, and has been labelled a terrorist organisation by the United States.

“Names are important. It could have been so different,” adds a wistful Badie. “Imagine if instead of Mohammad Badie, Supreme Leader of the Muslim Brotherhood, I'd been Jack Goodie, Supreme Leader of the Brotherhood of the Travelling Pants.”

Reported by Sam Rugg

[newslabarticles]

Miss World pageant now slightly less offensive

Indonesia: In a bid to avoid causing offence to the Muslim majority at the Miss World competition in September, organisers have removed the swimsuit round. The 137 women taking part in the contest in Bali will instead wear sarongs for the beach fashion section.

The decision was welcomed by the Country’s top Muslim clerical body, the Indonesian Ulema Council.

“We are greatly relieved that Miss World will now be limited to the promotion of hedonism, materialism and consumerism.” A Ulema spokesperson said.

"Swimsuits are are highly offensive, whereas sarongs are just a little bit slutty."

The council described the decision as an important, incremental step toward a Miss World pageant without any women at all.

Reported by Dan Kelso

[newslabarticles]

Egyptians Like Democracy Too Much

Egypt's president, Mohamed Mursi, has been ousted by the military following days of protest from the Egyptian people, after they decided they just couldn't wait until the next election for the next election.

Climbing down from the burning wreckage of the car on which he'd been bouncing, another protester explained “I have nothing against whatsisname, Murphy? To be honest, I don't pay that much attention to politics, he could have been a great prime minister for all I know. I just missed the protests. It's nice to be part of something.”

Egypt’s new caretaker president, Adly Mansour, will be sworn in on Thursday. “We waited so long for free elections, I think we're owed a few extras. And what if they don't pick me next time? I wanted a go now, just in case.”

Reported by Sam Rugg

[newslabarticles]

Egyptian Protestors Reach Out To ALP Powerbrokers

Trapped in the midst of another revolution with the aims of changing leadership, the heads of the current Tahir Square protests in Cairo have sought advice from the Australian Labor Party.

With multiple, bloodless leadership changes in the last few years, it appears the ALP have a template that is being much sought after around the globe. Syrian leader Bashar Al-Assad is said to be considering the 2010 ALP leadership model, “At first I thought putting a woman in charge was a laughable idea, but just look at Kevin Rudd’s popularity now!”

Ironically, Australians claimed that they would rather effect change by using the mass-demonstration Egyptian method – but that sounded like a lot of work.

Reported by David Piepers

[newslabarticles]

The World Agrees, Someone Else Should Definitely Help Snowden

Edward Snowden, leaky fugitive, has had an unexpectedly unifying effect on global politics. Unlikely allies across the world now find themselves in agreement, in many cases for the first time ever. Someone should definitely help Snowden out, just not them.

“Snowden is a hero, he deserves protection. Just not from us,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, in whose airport Snowden currently lives. Adding “We already have a lot of human rights activists in... 'protective custody'.”

“We'd love to have him,” said Rafael Correa, President of Ecuador. “But we've already got Julian Assange staying in the British Embassy, and we're just not really set up for any more guests at the moment.”

Sauli Väinämö Niinistö, President of Finland, explained that “The cat's not feeling well. He really needs to rest, and we're worried a new guest could be disruptive.”

And Joachim Guack, President of a Germany, a nation of internationally renowned jokesters, said “What do the Himalayas and US secrets have in common? They both got snowed on. Get it? It probably won't work as well written down.”

Australia has not yet formally rejected Snowden, but insist that he not come by boat.

Reported by Sam Rugg

[newslabarticles]

82 Year Old Man Admitted Into After School Care Program

Tears of frustration turned to joy today, as 82 year old Bert Plankton was finally accepted into Rozelle Public School’s Out Of School Hours Care program. Mr. Plankton has been listed on the system since he was five years old way back in 1936.

“Obviously after school care is a very different world from when I was a boy”, said Mr. Plankton. “You can’t take peanut butter sandwiches now, and they frown at you when you make fun of darkies”.

Shortages in the after school hour care have left parents waiting for years, or in the Planktons’ case, decades, before finally securing a place. And while the wait has certainly been long, Mr. Plankton believes it will ultimately be worth it.

“Now that she’s no longer house-bound, my mum can pursue her own dreams for a change”, said Mr. Plankton, before shuffling off to make a dog out of paddlepop sticks.

Reported by Dave Bloustien

[newslabarticles]

Liberals Don't Stop At Inventing The Internet

Last week, Opposition Leader Tony Abbott announced that Shadow Minister for Communications and Broadband, Malcolm Turnbull, invented the internet. This week he's gone several steps further, with a deluge of new revelations as impressive as they are grandiose, revealing that Turnbull is not the Liberal party's only minister uniquely suited to his portfolio.

Other shadow ministers excessively suited to their positions include Julie Bishop, Shadow Minister for Foreign Affairs and Trade, who once had a foreign affair with a tradie; John Cobb, Shadow Minister for Agriculture and Food Security, who shares his name with a salad, which is a kind of food; Joe Hockey, Shadow Treasurer, who owns a treasure map; and Christopher Pyne, Shadow Minister for Education, who is a self satisfied, slimy little goblin man.

While letting Tony Abbott address the public this close to the election is incredibly risky, his doctors insist that small, contained outbursts are necessary if he is to make it to the end of the year without giving a political position to his invisible friend, Mr. Strong Muscles

“And if you think this is impressive,” added the Opposition Leader, “just wait. One of my shadow ministers is made entirely from the eyebrow clippings of John Howard.”

Reported by Sam Rugg

[newslabarticles]

New Deal Allows Shooting At Same-Sex Weddings in NSW Parks

NSW Premier Barry O’ Farrell has brokered a compromise deal with several minor parties to allow the shooting of same-sex marriages in national parks. In return, it is believed those parties will back his legislation to privatise the hopes and dreams of children.

O’Farrell, who is in favour of both marriage equality and pragmatism, has combined proposals from Fred Nile’s Christian Democratic Party, the Shooters Party and several independents who favour marriage equality. The new law will allow same-sex couples to be married in public parks, after which they can be shot at by recreational hunters.

An earlier draft of the legislation was knocked back by the state parliament, although this version will only permit the shooting of married homosexuals with semi-automatic weapons between the hours of 8am and 8pm, thanks to amendments tabled by the Greens.

O’Farrell plans to privatise the dreams of children, both to fund the NSW early childhood education system and ensure a new generation of Liberal voters. Fred Nile hold an important swing seat in the NSW parliament, although early reports suggest it’s not nearly as much fun as the swing seat held by the Sex Party.

Reported by Dave Bloustien

[newslabarticles]

World media calls on Syria to make conflict less complicated

Global media corporations are demanding Syria’s combatants simplify the war to help improve news coverage of the conflict

“Coverage is suffering because we don’t have a black-and-white storyline”, a spokesperson for Viacom, said. 

“It seemed to start out well enough - rebels rising up against a brutal dictator with the unsympathetic wife - and we’d just like to see a return to that basic narrative.”

While factionalism, sectarianism and the geopolitical agendas of neighboring countries made the war unavoidably complicated, all agreed that at the very least opposition forces could make a bigger effort to inhabit the role of freedom fighters.

"When the good guys start eating the hearts of enemy soldiers, people start to switch off."

Reported by Dan Kelso