Emotional Rollercoaster Just Comin' to Crash

Fell too easily. Loved too deeply. Stayed too long.

[nextstoptrainwreck]

Dear dad.

I hate being at work. I feel guilty for leaving mom home a line with my brother. I hate that it feels like I’m just borrowing your truck for the night and you’ll be waiting to take the keys for a Home Depot run in the morning. I hate that this is the first step in trying to “go back to normal” because nothing will ever be normal again. It’s not okay. I hate that people keep saying that. It’ll never be okay without you. And I hate that I have to learn to live with that.

I love you and I miss you endlessly.

[nextstoptrainwreck]

I would move heaven and earth. I would sell my soul, give anything and everything I have just to have you back. You should be here. I’m an adult now but I still need you. You’re the one I call when I’m in trouble. When I need advice or even just when I can’t open something. You’re my go to person. You’re the strong guy. God I miss you so much my whole body hurts. I feel like you were just here five minutes ago. I just saw you. I keep shaking my head “no” because none of it seems real. Nothing in the world could have prepared this family for the devastating you shaped whole you left here. I love you more than anything and I just wish we could all wake up from this nightmare.

[nextstoptrainwreck]

perpetually terrified that I won't be enough for you.

[nextstoptrainwreck]

sometimes I wonder if I've already given away the best of myself to people who never cared.

and I wonder if any of me is left

[nextstoptrainwreck]

I don't want to be in love anymore.

not only do I think I’m not deserving of love

I'm afraid of what will happen if I open myself up to the possibility of being loved again,

I'm afraid that if I break one more time, I won't be able to put the pieces back together.

[nextstoptrainwreck]

you haven't seen the darkest parts of me.  I'm scared that once you do, you won't stay very long.

[jojordan]

The intimacy of being listened to.

[nextstoptrainwreck]

You can’t convince me that you know what you want. You can’t convince me that you can give me what I need. Nothing that you have ever done equates to the sweet lies that fall from your honey lips. I’ve allowed myself to fall for your trap for too long. I let myself think that you had grown. I'm not naive to your ways anymore. We’ll never get what we really want from each other, so it's time to stop trying. Playing this horrible back and forth emotional game is just too much to take. I want more, I deserve more. I deserve happy.

[nextstoptrainwreck]

I don’t want crying in the car every time I leave your house. 

I don’t want waiting by the phone to hear from you. 

I don’t want to wonder if you’ll be there the next time I need you.

or if next time things will be better. 

[wherewritersblockcomestodie]

“What was the hardest part of your first heartbreak?” my little sister asked me one day. It was a sunny day, we were having a picnic. But suddenly, I felt as if the clouds had overtaken the sun. “I think the hardest part was that we kind of morphed into the same person,” I said. “What do you mean?” she asked. “When you spend so much time together, you get so close. Soon enough, you can read each other’s minds, you can tell what they’re thinking just by a raise of their eyebrow.” I picked away at the grass we were sitting on, trying not to feel the depth of what I was saying. I couldn’t let myself get that low again. “Your favorite song becomes his favorite song. Then, his favorite bands become your favorite bands. You start loving the same movies. You pick up hiking together. And then when you break up, you still love all those things. It’s all still there.” “But they’re not,” she said, almost in a whisper. “But they’re not,” I repeated. “And it’s like you become a half of a person, left on your own to grow the other half back.”

excerpt from an unfinished book #89 (via un-predictible)

[refiningfire]

[loveamongthesailors]

ahhh “lying”…. one of the oldest tricks in the book. aside from “bashing someone over the head with a rock”

[ozeia]

[bambibaddie]

“Very unhappy and haunted. I wish I knew what to do.”

— Vita Sackville-West, from a diary entry featured in “The Selected Writings,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

[nextstoptrainwreck]

How is it possible for me to still miss you when you put my heart through the shredder?

[nextstoptrainwreck]

I don’t even have the energy to cry anymore though. You took that away from me too.

[nextstoptrainwreck]

I don’t want crying in the car every time  I leave your house. I don’t want waiting by the phone to hear from you. I don’t want to wonder if next time you’ll be there when I need you, if next time things will be better.

I want love