Have you ever think or try to kill yourself?
I tried, a couple of years ago... obviously didn’t work. And I think about trying again, every other day.
I tend to think “Would the world be a better place if I’m dead?” But today I accepted that the world wouldn’t notice if I’m not around, I’m literally nobody important, I don’t do anything big or life changing, I’m just your average Joe... Joanne? Idk.
So, why I don’t do it? I try to think it’s because it has to be something else for me, something good, something that anxiety and depression are not allowing me to see... so I’m waiting for them to leave me, to get tired of me and leave me, so I can see the good I’m missing. But again, today I felt on my heart that’s just an optimistic lie that I tell to myself. I don’t kill myself because I’m a coward, I’m scared. I don’t care if the world would be better if I’m dead... what matters to me is: Would I be better? Would I feel better? And I don’t have an answer, and it scares the shit out of me, the possibility that everything could be worse, and that’s why I don’t do it.. because I’m a shitty coward.
That’s why I take some people’s shit as well, why I don’t speak up when something bothers me, why I stay quiet when someone hurts me... because I’m a coward, because I’m scared of losing the few people I still care about. I don’t want to lose anyone else, but sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself in the middle of all of this.
And that’s why, today, again, with my makeup being a mess, I asked myself... would this be the night when I finally decide to stop being a coward?
