News from the Renegade Province

News from the Renegade Province is comprised of the fever dreams that TC Lin, aka Poagao, thinks are more newsworthy than the usual dreck we are all soaking in these days.

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Furor over poor air quality raised by people largely responsible for poor air quality

Air quality over northern, central Taiwan poses health risk, say people who ride smoking scooters and burn ghost money every single fucking day.

Taipei, March 16 The sky was as gray as concrete over places north of central Taiwan Monday, when an air monitoring report by the Environmental Protection Administration (EPA) said the air pollutant concentration in those areas had reached medium to high levels, posing a health risk. The air quality was the result not only of emissions from thousands of small factories, but the huge amount of polluting scooters and the more-or-less constant burning of incense and ghost money, the EPA report said. The officials attributed the poor air quality to the fact that most people believe that their actions have no consequences. They also predicted that the condition will last for two to three more decades “before we can actually make some sort of effort educating people without politicians trying to milk political capital out of the process.”

“If anyone’s still alive by then,” the officials added, sighing. Meanwhile, the bad air quality drew concern from opposition Democratic Progressive Party lawmaker Liu Hang-you, who blamed the problem partly on the KMT and people who vote for it. Liu then burned some ghost money while asking the gods to improve his lung condition before riding off on a 50-cc two-stroke scooter that last saw maintenance during the Lee Teng-hui administration. At Monday's hearing of the legislative environmental hygiene committee, Liu criticized the current administration for developing the petrochemical industry in the country. “The people are left to face the damage caused by their own behavior,” he said at a banquet held to honor the campaign contributions made by various scooter companies in exchange for allowing them to basically sell the same model for 30 years without any competition from more recent models from overseas despite Taiwan’s membership in the WTO. Liu demanded that the EPA come up with resolutions within three days to the problem, which he said is leading the public to "a slow death," before lighting a stream of fire crackers and disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

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Premier cites Chiayi woman in stating Taiwan will not legalize marijuana

Other drugs such as tobacco, betel nuts, alcohol, incense all 'fine'

"She's really convincing," says Jiang.

TAIPEI  Premier Jiang Yi-huah said Tuesday that marijuana use will remain illegal in Taiwan, a position that is supported by Mrs. Huang Mei-zhen, 72, who lives in Chiayi County.

Responding to questions in the Legislature on whether Taiwan would follow the lead of most Western countries, which have legalized marijuana, Jiang said he does not wish to upset the elderly owner of a shrimp-fishing pond in central Taiwan. Huang used to live in Taitung County, but moved after betel-nut plantations resulted in landslides that destroyed her property. Premier Jiang said that at a recent meeting hosted by the Executive Yuan, Mrs. Huang expressed vehement opposition to any move by Taiwan to decriminalize marijuana use. At the legislative hearing, Justice Minister Luo Ying-shay said that although the overwhelming majority of global scientific studies indicate that marijuana use does not lead to drug addiction, Mrs. Huang feels the opposite. Asked whether Taiwan would legalize marijuana, Luo said "currently I don't see that as possible."

"Mrs. Huang would never let me hear the end of it," Luo said. The marijuana legalization issue has been the topic of wide public debate since Taiwanese actor Kai Ko and Jaycee Chan, son of Hong Kong movie star Jackie Chan, were arrested in China in August for being prominent celebrities and smoking marijuana. Taiwanese authorities, spurred on by the elderly Chiayi matron, have decided that China's example in judging social mores "worth emulating."

"Serves those boys right," said Huang, spitting betel but juice onto the pavement, near the batch of medical receipts for her nationally-subsidized treatment for various oral diseases. 

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Artwork vandalized by artist

ZHUBEI An art-themed park in Zhubei has become a popular attraction since it was opened in 2003, but with the attention also comes problems such as frequent damage to the works on display by the artists. In the latest incident this weekend, faces were found carved on sculptures installed at the park, which depicts characters and images from the imagination of Tommy Li, one of Taiwan's most famous sculptors. Visitors blasted the behavior, and police said they will investigate the incident, including checking Li's recent contacts and whereabouts. The Hsinchu County Department of Business and Tourism said it will discuss with Li how to clean up his sculptures. Such damage is not uncommon. Park personnel said many artists often try to create and place installations in ways the department has not sanctioned. The county government has set up warning signs in the park and installed more surveillance and broadcasting equipment to try to stem the damage, but to little effect. "The artists insist on creating their work," said County Assistant Art Supervisor Yue Mei-qing. "But after we've given our stamp of approval they keep wanting to damage their own creations. It's baffling. Why would they want to do this?" Park personnel called on artists to cherish the artworks so that everyone can enjoy them. The park, located near the Hsinchu High Speed Railway Station, was established in 2003 by the Hsinchu County government, in collaboration with a group of renowned artists, a decision it says it now regrets. Despite the frequent damage, the park has become a popular tourist spot and has attracted many children and adults. Li's sculptures are characterized by their vivid imagination.

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Museum exhibit's giant animal figures to strike fear into the hearts of children around island

TAICHUNG Children's deepest fears, such as entering the stomach of a 68-meter-long sperm whale or cowering in the shadow of a three-meter tall flea, will come to life at a museum in Taichung starting on Tuesday, when an exhibition featuring outsized replicas of animals and insects opens. Over 70 huge replicas of animals and insects will be showcased in the city's Culture Museum to "strike fear into the hearts of children," said Wang Jen-chian, director of the museum. The exhibition will feature a gigantic inflatable sperm whale made out of bullet-proof cloth as its theme pavilion, in case the fear-stricken children happen to be carrying firearms and shoot the exhibits out of primal instinct. Children will be ushered into the whale to force them to imagine what it would be like to be swallowed alive, said Yan Tseng-ching, another official. Visitors to the exhibition will also be able to frightened out of their wits by animals in Taiwan such as the Formosan black bear, Yan said, adding, "We need to nurture children's instincts to beat anything they see moving with whatever weapon they can lay their hands on." The exhibition, which has so far been held in Taichung and Hsinchu, and is expected to visit Kaohsiung next month. On a more abstract front, the exhibition also features an giant inflatable beetle covered in Hakka designs and a digital artwork that shows cockroaches invading a painting by Vincent van Gogh, he said. Children can be attacked by larger-than-life inflatable fleas and ladybugs. "It could inspire children," Yan admitted. "But most likely it will cause them to soil their pants."  The museum will supply fresh trousers for a reasonable fee.

Schools in Taiwan often educate people "without imagination," Yan said, but the museum takes a more pragmatic approach, in the belief that fear is the most powerful tool for Taiwanese children who will face competition in the changing world of the future, which may or may not include giant insects covered in Hakka floral prints.

"We encourage all teachers to bring their students to the exhibition on a field trip," Jen said. "Believe me, they will be much better behaved afterwards."

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From the print edition:

28 women break out in spontaneous synchronized dancing, save kitten

Taiwan sits down, crosses legs

Typhoon denied access to China

“It’s time for a Chinese saying!” celebrates 20 years on CTS

Chen makes record by mentioning ‘23 million Taiwan people’ 23 million times

This article rife with speculation

Activists honestly have nothing better to do

Licensing for loudspeakers required

Top maker of shiny things dominates shiny thing market

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Local man named after salad fork

ZHONGHE Chen Gen-hui, 21, prefers that his friends and family call him “Stainless Japan” after discovering how “cool” the words appeared on the back of a fork he happened to be eating with at an expensive restaurant in Taipei’s suburb of Zhonghe.

Chen asked his friend Wang Wei-wen, also 21, whether the name was suitably English. Wang spent several months studying in the US last year. “Sure, that’s fine. That’s a good name,” Wang reportedly said, before hurrying away from the table.

Chen’s parents are thrilled to find their son finally taking some interest in international matters. “It’s about time Stainless took a more mature few of the world,” said his father, who has been urging his son to get a job with a global business firm.

“Now, maybe foreigners will take him seriously,” he said, adding that people from abroad seemed to appreciate it when he introduced himself by his own English name, “Brad.”

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Scientists point to study finding 97% of beautiful women in deep denial of attraction to scientists

TAIPEI After literally years of rigorous scientific research, scientists have discovered that a vast majority of attractive young women are in serious denial of their deep attraction to scientists.

"This study is a real breakthrough, in that it has finally shed light on what has turned out to be a large and widespread problem," head scientist Zhou Zhong-yuan told reporters on Friday. "Now that the issue has been identified, measures need to be taken to cure these women and let them return to their normal lives."

The study involved hundreds of women aged between 18 and 35, each one chosen by the team of experts in charge of the study, which included interviews as well as the occasional dinner and a movie. Afterwards, a shocking 97% of the test subjects were found to be in ‘complete denial’ of their feelings for scientists.

"A mental health issue on this level is not something to be taken lightly," bioengineer Lai Tian-zhu said as he went over the figures again and again to check for errors. “Can you imagine the tortured lives these women lead?"

"I know I can," he added.

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Man honored to be beaten up by vice president

TAINAN Chang Wei-han, 34, said he was “honored” on Wednesday to be on the receiving end of a beating from Vice President Annette Lu after the two scuffled over a women’s rights conference misunderstanding.

Lu had just finished comparing Taiwan’s diplomatic efforts to the adorable antics of the Japanese cartoon character “Doraemon” in a speech she was giving to the Taiwan Women’s Right Association in Tainan, southern Taiwan. After receiving some questions from the press she considered “embarrassing”, Lu lost her famed composure and quickly waded out into attending crowd, fists swinging. Chang happened to be one of the first hit by the vice president’s barrage and took a right hook and spinning kick to the face.

Chang, who placed first in many martial arts competitions when he was in college, admired the vice president’s technique and “pure, unadulterated fury” in combat.

“I am honored to be at the other end of Annette Lu’s ‘fists of fury,’” he told reporters, while nursing his bruises and a glasses-shaped imprint on his forehead from Lu's famous head-butt tactic.

When medical staff attempted to apply bandages to Chang's wounds, he refused, saying, "These scars are going to be worth something someday."

"Do you think she'd sign them?" he added.

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Machete paraphernalia for scooters popular this fall

TAICHUNG Sheaths, sharpening stones, cords, grips, and many other kinds of machete-related merchandise has become the latest trend in Central Taiwan, according to the Taichung Consumer Report Association’s trade report issued in October.

Although the traditional ‘fruit knife’ is a perennial favorite due to its size and the ease of purchase at 7-Elevens island-wide, upscale decorated knives are becoming more and more popular, as well as the necessary accessories such as matching sheathes and cords to tie them conveniently to your scooter handlebars or next to the seat for easy use while riding.

Stores along Zhonggang Road have started enlarging their machete selections, and on weekends shoppers come from all around to find a weapon that fits not only their scooters, but their personality as well. “We have the large, notched knives with blood channels and rings for extra damage, but we only recommend those for larger scooters such as the Majesty,” store manager Elaine Lu told NfRP reporters. “If you’re on, say, a Dio, I would recommend something a little more subtle, such as this ‘Hello Kitty’ machete.” Lu then held up a machete with Hello Kitty figures ingrained on the side. “They double as blood-letting holes which, unless your ride is a particular shade of red, could come in handy. And nobody will able to call you unfashionable!”

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Lovable old codgers attempt to re-take Chinese mainland

BEIJING After a series of hilarious mishaps and adventures, a group of elderly retired soldiers from Taiwan attempted to retake mainland China on Wednesday. Although all five of the men are over 80 years old, they come from all branches of the military. Zhang Jing-you, the leader of the motley group, is a former army colonel, while the others come from navy, marine and air force backgrounds.

“It beats sitting around the old folks home watching awful 'variety' shows on TV,” former air force Hua Feng-guo, 78, told reporters on the road to Beijing. “We got together a while back and decided that if we didn’t do it, nobody would. Plus, I was getting tired of all of those really loud furniture commercials.”

The group’s madcap journey from an retirement home in Sanchong to the Imperial City has included calling in old favors from old friends, the setting up of a mock training center in the basement, large amounts of wheezing, and a good deal of hacking on the part of one of the group’s member’s grandson, all accompanied by suitable montage music and the occasional game of mahjong.

“Granddad asked me if I thought I could wreak havoc on the mainland Internet system, and I was all, like, cool, I do that anyway,” Li Ming-zhi, 17, said. He is the grandson of Li Tan-zhang, a former Navy Commander and a protégé of Zhang’s. The younger Li managed to help the group infiltrate the highest reaches of the mainland military structure, which was already distracted by China’s latest efforts to launch a fully functioning noodle restaurant into space.

Reactions in the U.S. were muted. “We wish these gentlemen all the best in their efforts. Aww, they’re so cute,” U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell said at a press conference at the White House as he watched a video of the group tumbling around on a makeshift training course. “In any case, they don’t seem to be violating the ‘One China’ policy, so we don’t actually have a problem with it.”

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DPP chairman crowd surfs at campaign rally, changes name

KAOSHIUNG Democratic Progressive Party Chairman Yu Shyi-kun, endeavoring to appeal to younger voters, dived into a crowd at an election-related rally on Tuesday in Kaohsiung.

“Let’s see James Soong do THIS!” the chairman was quoted as yelling before diving off the stage at the rally into a group of confused would-be voters who, fortunately, caught Yu before he hit the ground. The DPP chairman was then passed, hand-over-hand, through the crowd before being returned to the stage, looking a bit rumpled and missing his wallet, but apparently otherwise unscathed.

Yu, whose Chinese name when written in characters confounds many word-processing programs, which simply put question marks in place of the obscurer characters, also announced that he would “follow the international trend,” and in the future be known as “Yu Shyi-?”

The new moniker would be pronounced “You Shi-whaa?*”

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Canadian reluctant to move near taxis

SANCHUNG Harry Morrison, 32, from Ontario, Canada, admitted that he freezes every time a taxi passes him on the streets of this Taipei suburb.

"I can't do anything at all. I can feel the cabbie's eyes staring at me, but I don't dare look back. He'll stop, I know he will. They all do."

Morrison's Taiwanese girlfriend, Meng Xi-ling, 24, confirmed the existence of the phenomenon. "It's true," she said. "Every time a taxi sees Harry's blond head bobbing along the street, they stop and open their door, calling out 'Takeshee! Takesheeee!'. It's bizarre. Don't they know that Harry's a human being? He's not just your average taxi-needing foreigner, you know."

Reporters were witness to several attempts by taxis to lure Morrison into their cabs, even though the Canadian had made no indication that he was looking for a ride, taking care to not raise his hands for any reason such as looking at his watch or phone, gesturing or scratching.

"Shrugs are right out," he added. Though he is meticulous about not raising his arms while walking, keeping his hands safely as his side, cabbies inevitably perceive some indication that Morrison is in desperate need of their services.

"Once I climbed in and sat for a few minutes and then gave the guy NT$70 to just go away and stop bothering me," Morrison said, staring fixedly at a non-taxi-inhabited courtyard and trying not to move his lips.

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Malls closed to men

TAIPEI Citing demographic studies and market reports, the malls of Taiwan have agreed to limit patrons strictly to females. Women already make up 70% of mall-going consumers, and men are seen more and more as largely “ceremonial” in their presence.

“In fact, they’re more of a burden than a benefit,” said Jezebel Yu, chairwoman of the Mall-goers Association. “They just sit around and complain, or storm around in a bad temper,” she added.

The association considered several methods to deal with the “man problem” female shoppers have to deal with on a daily basis, including a topical anesthetic, sleeping pills, and a “playroom” filled with video games, large-engined motorcycles and various tool kits to distract the men for their pillowcase/skirt/curtain-induced torpor.

“In the end, we decided to just ban them outright,” Yu said. “It’s better for them, and it’s better for us.”

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Legislator action figures announced

WAYNE, N.J International toy seller Toys-Backwards-“R”-Us announced a new line of action figures on Monday, all based on popular legislators from Taiwan’s parliament, which is world famous for its outlandish and sometimes amazingly death-defying antics.

“Kids across the globe have seen Taiwanese legislators duking it out on TV over the years,” said a company spokesman. “Many of them practically grew up on it. Now they can cheer on their favorite sluggers and boo the bad guys as they reenact legislative battles at home with our customized action figures and accessories, which include tiny lunchboxes, fruit and chairs.”

The “Diane Lee” action figure even comes with a tiny glass, made to be filled with water, juice or other harmless liquids and thrown at the “Lo Fu-chu” action figure, which features a wind-up left hook to "defend" itself.

“You can collect the whole set and send in a coupon for a carrying case that is also a fold-out legislature, complete with seats, a lockable door and a speaker’s platform kids can spend hours battling over to see whether the blues or the greens win the day,” the spokesman added.

"You, too, can block an arms bill 87 times in a row! Just feel the excitement!" he said.

The toys will be made in China.

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Taipei woman addresses dog in English to impress foreign man

TAIPEI Nita Wang, 43, who lives along Taipei’s Zhongxiao East Road, jumped at the chance to make sure that a random foreigner she encountered near her apartment understood how fluent her English was. Unfortunately, there was nobody in her immediate vicinity to talk to. In desperation to appear sophisticated and urbane in front of the approaching foreigner, she turned to her poodle, “Memmy” and loudly inquired, in English, how the dog was.

Memmy heeded the inquiry with a short warning growl.

“I was so nervous,” Wang said, recalling the incident. “I was afraid Memmy here wouldn’t respond correctly. My god, I’d look like such an idiot!”

The foreigner in question, it turns out, is a Russian businessman named Alexandr Yaroslavsky, who speaks very little English but is fluent in Chinese.

“What woman?” Yaroslavsky, said when questioned by reporters. “Oh, that crazy lady? Da, she is, how do you say, a fruit loop?”

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Lee Teng-hui becomes giant floating head, gives speech

Reporters 'understandably concerned'

Lee Teng-hui's giant, floating head

TAIPEI Former president Lee Teng-hui surprised pundits on Tuesday by appearing at a Taiwan Solidarity Union press conference as a giant, gas-filled head, which floated over the podium with no visible means of support.

"Ever since I stepped down from the presidency, I haven’t been able to impress crowds the way I always meant to,” the TSU's spiritual leader told reporters. “This way I can get my awesome points across much more effectively."

After his speech, which dealt with how he feels the Democratic Progressive Party should remember its roots and follow the TSU’s lead in declaring a greater "Taiwan consciousness", the former president asked the reporters present if they had any questions.

Reporter Alice Yang of the China Times asked the former president: "Waaaaaaah?"

"Seriously, WTF?" she added.

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Former KMT spy expresses disdain for magician's act

Guo: "You know those people don’t really disappear, right?"

TAIPEI Guo Yu-jing, 88, scoffed at world-renowned magician David Copperfield on Monday after seeing on of his shows on TV. "That guy didn’t disappear," said Guo, who served as a KMT spy for three decades up until 1972. "You want to make someone disappear, I can help you. Not this fake. God, just look at his hair."

Guo has made between 50 and 70 people disappear over the course of his career, although the exact number is classified. His methods, while including straightforward assassination, are also little known, but may or may not concern suffocation, drops from great heights, and large amounts of bean paste.

"A master can't reveal his secrets," Guo told NfRP reporters on Sunday. "But at least when I make people go away, you can be sure they'll stay away. Somehow I wonder if the same could be said of Mr. Copperfield's subjects."

"He’s annoying, but I don't think he's worth getting rid of...just yet," the former spy added while looking through a small black booklet.