i’m aware that it’s been four months since i announced my rebrand, and i’m also aware that i’ve been keeping you all in the dark for those four months. i want to apologise. no matter what was happening in my personal life, i’d always interact with you all. i’ve just stayed silent all this time, which is a bad move on my part. i get tons of messages saying that what i’m doing, not uploading or interacting with you guys, is ruining all the hard work i put into my channel. the simple truth is that people lose interest over time, especially if you’ve been silent on social media for so long. i almost felt like it was justified because i have a very small audience, but i’ve been seeing your messages of concern and i want to clear the air.
i mentioned that i was going to start uploading again in january. clearly, that didn’t go to plan, as it’s now february and i still haven’t uploaded. the thing is, i don’t know where i stand with this whole youtube thing. i initially started my channel in january of 2018, when i began to stop going outside. as a result of that, i pretty much lost everything. i lost my friends, my education, and i was alone. the reason why i made a youtube channel was so i had people to talk to. even if it was two or three people - i just wanted to live somewhat of a normal teenage life and at least have contact with other people my age. youtube was a place for me to go when i felt lonely. interacting with all of you on tumblr, in live streams, on twitter, grounded me.
as you all know, i went outside for the first time in 2019. it was around the time i rebranded. that wasn’t the only change though - i also finally made friends. real friends. a group of sixteen people that have changed my life. i always thought friendship was overrated, until i met them. the bond we have, the connection we have, is something i’ve never experienced before. the amount of laughter and tears we’ve shared, the amount of dumb shit we get up to, the amount of love and solidarity is something i’ve never felt. all this time, i was searching for something to fill this empty hole of loneliness, and i could finally stop looking once i met them.
as a result of this, i’ve been slacking on social media. i’m finally at a place where i can focus on what’s important. my friends, my education, my therapy sessions and most of all, my recovery. and that doesn’t mean my channel isn’t important to me, because it is. i just don’t know if i want it to be my main focus at this point in time. for now, i just want to focus my energy into other things. this doesn’t mean i’m quitting youtube. i just think that, for the moment, i need to breathe and take each day as it comes.
honestly, the future terrifies me, but i hope i take you all on this journey with me. my channel is on a pause for now, but i’m looking forward to when i come back. i won’t let you guys down.
prguitarman
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