Tonight has been an interesting night. You can go a long time believing that the life lessons you've learned define you, but really we never stop learning and growing. It is in fact this evolution that is one of the few constants in life that never ceases to amaze me.
I think I've finally come to terms with a lot of the things that have lead me to this exact moment in time. The ups and downs that life seems to throw at us, they truly make life the journey that it is. My story so far is a typical one. A young love that by it's very nature was never meant to last, and so it ended. We all come to a crossroad of sorts in that moment, to either turn inward or outward in our interpersonal relationships. I chose the latter, but I did so before I had a chance to grieve over that first loss, something that until now I never realized how much it would impact my views of relationships and life.
You see, for those who choose the former option the focus in life turns towards themselves. Life becomes all about their wants, needs, and desires . . .their dreams. These people go through the grieving process completely, able to accept their loss and move forward. The downside however is that they shut out others in order to accomplish this feat, a decision that creates a callow view of relationships; that forces up barricades in developing those interpersonal relationships necessary to be a well rounded individual. They, to a certain degree, don't understand what it means to be loved or give love to anyone but themselves. Is this necessarily a bad thing? No, it's just the first step for them on a path to eventually find someone suited for them while at the same time knowing what it really means to be happy with oneself.
However for those who chose the latter option, for me, the focus turns on attempting to recreate what was perceived to be a meaningful relationship and outwardly projects what they want out of others. These people are able to learn through trial and error what it means to be in a mature meaningful adult relationship, yet they never truly grieved over that first loss. So the quest begins: to be in love with the idea of being in love. Is this a bad thing? No, it's just the first step for them on a path to finding inner peace and happiness while knowing what it truly means to commit earnestly and wholeheartedly to another person.
A naive notion that I've had for as long as I can remember: I will find happiness by making other people happy. For a majority of my adult life I have known what it truly means to "live for others," as if that was a qualifier for being a good person. I put the needs of others on the top list of priorities in my day with anything remotely involving my needs at the bottom. I was content, believing that my needs were minimal and that by doing good unto others I was in fact making myself happy. Until today I never realized that the two ideas of focusing on finding a meaningful relationship and placing myself last every time were correlated, which brings me to now.
"When we were kids, my brother and I used to pretend that we were heroes, the only ones who could save the day. But maybe we're just the regular people, the ones who get saved." - WIsh I Was Here (quoted with top picture)
I have a pretty good idea of where to re-prioritize the things in my life, and no it's not perfect; there's no way for it to be. I've spent so much time trying to be the superhero that saves the day for others that I neglected the one person who needed saving all along: myself. It's in this epiphany of sorts that I plan on moving forward in the never ending pursuit to be a better person, a whole person.
We all believe we understand the path we're on; our own self-righteous brains forget that life is much more fluid than that. Many people are closed minded, believing that their perspective is the only means to a solution, but really we have to see all of the variables at play to understand the end result. The best tools we have at our disposal in trying times lie in our ability to introspectively think and learn. After all, at the end of the day . . ."life is an occasion; rise to it."
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This post was inspired (as I'm sure you can tell) while listening to the soundtrack to "Wish I Was Here," a Sundance film that recently came to theaters. It's quotes, I felt, were fitting to the subject matter of this quarter life crisis I seem to have come to terms with.
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