TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
describes sexual abuse. Death and trauma
Hi, I’m 27 and I have BPD.
The story of a sad little princess👑
At 6 years old my mom moved in with a guy she just met. They were both bad off on drugs and my brother was living with his dad. So I was alone with this man pretty much the whole time. My mom was too fucked up To stop any of it or even be coherent while it was taking place. He raped me more than once a week usually. Starting the first week we moved in with him. I never told. And I was never the same.
We lived there for 6 months until “The Mans” mother walked in on him assaulting his step sister. I still never spoke up. Mom moved us out when he was arrested and we never spoke of him again. Until I started self harming at age 8. I tried to tell her
She told me I was a liar... I was 8.... what 8 year old describes IN DETAIL, numerous rapes and assaults that happened. I shouldn’t have known what half the things I told her was... anyway I knew he’d get out.
I can feel it all happening all over again. I feel absolutely disgusting and I apologize for not being a pure angel. 🥺👼🏻
Story #2
How do you cope with a trauma that NO ONE knows about... one that will completely ruin your family. One that is so taboo yet Innocent at the same time. We were kids. But it happened and now I’ll pay for it mentally for the rest of my life. But to put it out in the world makes it real. Why do I still love this person? This person is still family. This person was a child herself. Yes she was older than my brother and I but still a child. Implementing sexual behaviors into other younger children...
My brother and I were about two years apart. He was maybe 7 and I was 10. My mom had decided to go away to rehab after being an addict since I was about 4. After I tried to tell her I was raped continuously by her ex boyfriend it drove her further into her addiction. She refused to believe it. I was self harming at age 8. So after two years of battling with my mom being addicted to drugs and facing the fact that I was raped and no one believed me... I just became an empty shell.
So anyway. My brother and I have different dads so he was living with his and I was living with mine. The only way I saw my brother was when we went to my grandparents house. So my moms Dad had a child MUCH younger than my mom. So my aunt was about 12 or 13 and I guess exploring her sexuality.
It was a game she said. I already knew that it wasn’t right due to what had happened when I was six... but she was so much bigger than me. And it was much easier to play along than to fight back. She just was so good at manipulating us. We were such small children. So everytime I went to my grandpas I was so excited to see my brother... but I knew my aunt would make us please her and play “house” with us. I can’t tell you on how many occasions I was told to touch my brother or my brother had to touch me. I can’t even count the instances she made me go down on her or insert things inside her. If I went into all the details of all the things I did... you’d be appalled
What messes me up is I never said no. I never asked her to stop or asked her if this was what we were supposed to do. She would make the point that EVERYONE is like this. Everyone sucks thier little brother off and LOTS of kids play these games with their family. I’ve NEVER spoken of this to anyone. And now that my other rapist is free in this world. All these things are hitting me like a brick.
Why didn’t I fight? Why didn’t I tell and save my brother from the trauma. I was already ruined. But my baby brother was so innocent. It’s like this black hole in my stomach constantly. I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t face my family. They wouldn’t believe me anyway. But I can’t continue living like this. I feel disgusting and dirty and my head is so messed up. My nightmares are back. I wake up covered in sweat and shaking. It’s like I relive all of these instances as soon as I close my eyes.
Now as an adult. I can’t make rational decisions on my own. I compulsively look at porn because it’s all I know. All I know is when I was alone growing up... something sexual always happened. Now as an adult I can’t normally rationalize my emotions and All I can think about is how I’m going to escape my mind next. I’m broken and scared and I want to die.
But I’m a survivor. And this is the first time I’ve put this trauma out there...and everything is a tad bit lighter...
So I felt the need to add to my trauma list.
On may 28 I asked my baby’s father to come fix a washing machine for me so I could wash the baby’s clothes and start packing hospital bags.
Everything was going fine until I heard a thump against the wall and rushed over to him. He was seizing and had fluid coming from his mouth. I called 911 and gathered him into my lap.. So basically I couldn’t breathe for him because of the fluid and I’m not very skilled in cpr. As he lay there dying in my arms I just cried and cried and begged for God not to take him. My child couldnt be fatherless and we couldn’t lose such a young man who had so much going for him. He was going to be the BEST daddy to my little girl.
As he took his last breath all I could say was I was sorry. This was my fault. The emt arrived and it was too late. So now I can’t eat or sleep without thinking of or seeing death. And now this princess is even more broken.
So after the autopsy came back we found out he overdosed. He had done drugs that I didn’t know about. I went MONTHS thinking I killed this man… my head is so fucked up.
Now Dealing with self harm, an eating disorder, and I do nothing but cry. I just can’t live like this anymore 💔
