Galactic Federation: The True Path to Peace
As the Galactic Federation patrol ship passed the earth in the milky way galaxy the captain decided to do a media review. As news shows from the all over the globe passed on the screen the First Mate walked up to the captain to give a report.
“Sir, the humans leaked the existence of the Federation a few weeks ago it seems.”
“Ah”, the captain said, “And have they reached out to the Federation to be brought in at all?”
“No?! Not at all?” the Captain asked in shock.
“It seems that the majority of the planet treated the information as just another... how should I say this... turn of plot?”, the First Mate explains, “There were even memes about it sir”
“Yes, it seems like this pandemic they are experiencing has really thrown them for a loop”
“Ah yes”, the Captain pondered, “this Coronavirus, Covid-19″
The Captain and the First Mate watch the news feeds for awhile before the Captain turns to the First Mate.
“Get me the news feeds and articles surrounding the Federation leak. I wish to review them”
The First Mate turns on their comm and relays a message to the Archive Department to bring up all the files pertaining to the leak of the Federation.
The First Mate and Captain turn back to the news feed as they start to show news stories from the United States of America.
“Why are they rioting?” the Captain asks.
“Well...” the First Mate hesitates.
“Spit it out already”, the Captain says, “Just tell me”
“It seems in America that their authority figures meant to protect their citizens have started to kill people quite blatantly once again.” The First mate states.
“Really?”, the Captain asks, “What are they killing them for?!”
The First Mate sighs and braces themselves, “For a difference in skin color, sir”
The Captain seems to grow three inches in size, his skin turns a sick orange color in his anger, and he opens his mouth and proclaims,
“SKIN COLOR?!?! This bullshit again?! I swear! The humans of this planet are the DUMBEST YET!”
The Captain looks up and sees the looks of the crew on the bridge and realized how loud he was being. He seems to decrease in size and his skin goes back to his normal shade.
“I don’t know sir”, the First Mate replies.
“I can’t wait until the day when they finally realize. They spend all this time fighting and killing each other over their differences. The true path to peace is actually in fighting and killing over your similarities.”
“Too right Sir!” the First Mate smiles.
With a whoosh the doors to the bridge open and in walks an Audio Tech from the Archive Department.
“Yo, you asked for the files regarding the leak of the Feds existence to the homo sapiens right?”
The Captain and First Mate both turn to her. The First Mate freezes. The Captain looks back and forth between the two like he was watching an earth tennis match. The Audio Tech looks up to see why no one had answered.
When she looks up she sees a pin on the First Mates uniform. A pin depicting a popular constellation that is seen from their home planet. The same exact pin that she is wearing.
“Shit!” the First Mate proclaims as they hasten to get their plasma gun from their belt. Unfortunately for them the Audio Tech was a bit faster.
In a flash of light the First Mate falls to the ground. Their body is smoking as a small trail of brown blood comes out of the hole in their chest.
“Body Cleanup to the bridge.” The Captain sighs into his comm.
The Audio Tech walks over to the body of the late First Mate and picks up the pin dictating their rank and pins it to her own uniform. You see, in the Federation it is s rule that if you kill someone for a similarity then after you must take up their duties.
“Welcome to the bridge First Mate #26″
With another whoosh a member of the body cleanup crew walks in, sighs, then gets to work.
The Captain turns to the new First Mate and says to her, “Though I kind of wish that you hadn’t killed them...”
The First Mate gives a puzzled look to the Captain and asks, “Why?!”
The Captain sighs and tells her, “They owed me 200 Galaxy Stones!”
“Oof, that sucks” the First Mate replies.
“But how did they owe you 200 of them though?” the First Mate asks.
The Captain turns to her smirking and says, “I bet them that someone with orange skin would win an election on this planet.”
The Captain and First Mate look at each other then burst out laughing. The laughing lasts for a good two minutes before winding down. But at the end of the laughs it happens. They snort at the exact same time.
They freeze then both reach for their guns. Two blast ring out but only one met its mark. The Captain falls dead to the floor.
In the background the member of the body cleanup crew sighs in disgust and throws their mop against the floor.
The First Mate takes off her pin and puts it on the control panel. She puts on the Captain pin and moves to sit in the Captains Chair.
The bridge crew were all looking at her. She looks around, seems to get an idea, then smirks and says in a strange accent:
“Look at me, I’m the Captain now!”
She smiles big and looks around waiting for a reaction. But they just look at her in confusion.
She sighs, “Never mind. It’s an Earth reference. You wouldn’t get it.”
“Your orders?”, one of the crew asks.
She ponders this a bit then smiles.
The crew member rolls their eyes and turns back to the controls. They pull up a map of the Earth.
“Ok...”, They say, “These are the area that are currently dark, where-”
They look back at her, eyebrows raised.
“Lets go pick up a cow...” she pauses, grinning maniacally, her lips quivering in glee and excitement, “...in broad daylight!”
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This came to me very late at night when I was half asleep at my sisters place. I immediately start laughing and actually wake myself up. My sister makes me explain why I am laughing and told me that I better right this down before I forget. So here you go. Please enjoy the absolute crazy that comes from my brain.
