I hope that someday, when I am finally financially and mentally capable, I can move to a city that’s not as small as Whitehall or Big Rapids but also maybe not as big as Asheville. I don’t want to keep in contact with my family, especially my twin sister. She is the one most closest to me but we are not close like we used to be. Moving in with her was a mistake. I can’t breathe around her and neither can she. Nearly every day I am reminded that she is better than me. Her lifestyle is better. She is healthier. She has better friendships. She gets along better with family. It brings me back to middle and high school where she had more sustainable friendships and better grades. People have always naturally gotten along better with her. We shared friends that have cut contact with me but still keep in contact with her. All of this destroys me. She is neurotypical. I think most of my family is. Once I asked her to name things that I was better at than her and all she said was that I dressed better. That’s fucking it. I am a menace to her. I know she’s constantly wondering when I’ll crack next. I need to escape from the constant reminders. I need to break away and learn to appreciate myself as an individual instead of being someone that’s always been her shadow. The lesser half. I need to cut ties with those who make me insecure without even trying. I need to focus on being my own separate person. I need a life without her in it. She once told me that her biggest fear is losing me. But she will be fine. She will breathe. She will be her own person. And I can finally be mine.
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