update
currently bmi 13.6 lol and going down
basically on a mission to lose as much as I can before being admitted to inpatient
and then I am fucking done with this shit
anorexia, bulimia etc. have ruined my life
I had to drop out of medical school for this academic year
currently am struggling so much. barely able to shower. compulsively doing 25k+ steps a day but like I can also barely open doors or walk up stairs because I am so weak.
this is not glamourous. skinny is not worth it. I have no friends. I have no life, my entire life is literally starving and walking.
I want my life back.
I want to be normal. like proper normal. I want to cope with my anxiety and depression without using food or my body.
so yeah
going to make the most of inpatient. will be giving up my Apple Watch so no exercise, not until I am in a healthier mainframe and body. no using ED behaviours, gonna talk honestly when I struggle with staff and just fucking work on myself. I will heal.
it is gonna be so hard. I know I will hate being 'not skinny'. but I have learnt that when you have an eating disorder, you can't do weight loss in 'moderation'. it always ends up taking over ur life.
I can't wait to be able to listen to my body, eat whenever I want, exercise for FUN, wear nice clothes, say yes to spontaneous cake and drink oat milk in my coffee, have the energy to wake up and do yoga and meditate and eat nourishing food, HAVE A FUCKING SOCIAL LIFE
this is my last post here, just thought I would update. I know that no one cares but if anyone sees this and thinks getting to a low weight will make u happy, please listen to me when I say it won't. it strips you of ur whole life. I wish I started recovering when I was struggling with binge eating, binging and purging, I wish I didn't convince myself that starving would make me happy. it is not true happiness, that moment of joy when you see the scale go down; true happiness is being part of normal life, true happiness is having a normal healthy body, true happiness is being able to manage ur mental health without abusing your body.
lots of love, please choose recovery.