Just a Blog

24|Hollow

[nightmindstuff]

Just...

leaving.

blocking everyone.

starting new.

never existing.

Just not being here.

I hate how everything is too much. Everything is a hassle. I know I am incompetent. I know that I seem like I do not put enough thoughts in things. But, fuck, I try! I try so much, so many things I never did before. So many things out of my comfort zone and still it is not enough. Still I am more of a burden than any help.

And I am fucking sorry for how I am. I am trying. Truly. But I fuck up even the easiest of things and it causes more trouble than it helps.

And FUCK! Do I want to scream. At myself, at the the people, at life. At everything. I want to cry, scream, punch and kick.

I just want to stop being a burden.

[nightmindstuff]

I miss the little one that was getting excited over the smallest things.

The one that danced through every room and sang with all their might.

The one who never stopped getting curious.

The one that enjoyed things.

Where is that little one?

[nightmindstuff]

High expectation that maybe aren't high

Having expectations isn't bad, per se, but having them crushed everytime again and again is. Sure, people can't read your minds so you need to tell them, if you expect something. But sometimes I just want people to do things out of their own accord. Not because I want it or told them. I want my partner to surprise me. Like, actually visiting me out of nowhere with no intention other than seeing me because they missed me. Maybe getting me little trinkets because they reminded hem of me or my favourite snack just because it is my favourite snack. Sending me cute, little texts or dumb memes. Or a tleast, telling me when they are busy or going somewhere like the gym, out with their parents or friends. Just so I know they are okay, they aren't mad at me or anything. Knowing they are okay and safe. I don't know. It is dumb to rant about it, even more so online but it is my ventile to write about it. I always think I have high expectations so maybe it is normal to always get them crushed. But then I hear about others where it is exactly like that. Exactly like how I wish it is and then I ask myself, why can't I have that. And I feel immediatly guilty and sick...

[nightmindstuff]

"How did it felt when you realised, your whole life could have been different if you have gotten the help you needed, when you asked for it?"

Fucking terrible, thank you.

[nightmindstuff]

I am a people pleaser.

Other people are more important for me, than myself. Their feelings, what they think, how it is going for them. Everything. It matters more because if they feel bad, I feel bad. I automatically assume I did something wrong or I am the cause of it. Even if I couldn't do something to change nor am I even part of it.

The littlest things, can and will throw me off.

Your voice changed? I said something wrong.

You read my text but didn't reply? I am at fault. I am a bad friend.

You just want a bit tine for yourself? I pushed you away.

It makes me feel sick to my stomach and my brain starts to work. My thoughts spinning and I can't concentrate on anything nor can I calm down. Even after I am told, everything is fine, I did nothing wrong. I can't. I just can't because you could lie to make me feel better.

But...sometimes, inbetween these thoughts, there are different thoughts.

Why didn't you reply? At least say you're busy or are still till next day or anything? Could you also text first? Why do I need to text first?

Or

Why am I so concerned? I did nothing wrong.

And i feel fucking bad, right after it. Even if it's true!

I just want to be like others, sometimes, who don't have these problems.

[nightmindstuff]

I could do anything right now and nobody would know nor care. Because, who does? Who does give a single fuck about me? A god damn care? Yeah, maybe they do. But it doesn't feel like it. Nothing, feels like it gives a damn about me.

Maybe I am just feeling that way. My mind tricking me into it. But maybe it is true.

Maybe I am at fault myself for how everything is going.

But why is it only me, where it feels like it isn't goinf as it should.

Everyone is working hard for their life they have. And they deserve it but I am working hard too. I am trying my best. Maybe it isn't as good and much as others do but I still ddserve a reward, ain't I?

So why does everything feels like a punishment?

Why does everything I do feels like a total failure?

Like I can't do anything right. Wether it is for me or others?

Why can't I have what I want? Feel how I want? Be who I want? Look like I want? Why does nothing goes how I desperatly wish for it?

Why.

Why?

Why?!

WHY?!

...

...

...

I feel like dying, again.

[nightmindstuff]

I am not the first choice or never will I ever be the first choice. For anyone.

[nightmindstuff]

I honestly wish, I would not have these Demons inside my head. Telling and showing me things, I wish I never heard nor saw. But they are here. In my head. They live there. Feeding off of my insecurities. Making them worse. Manipulating my every thought and twisting the meaning of every word spoken to me or the meaning of every actions. Filling me with doubt, anxiety, self-hat, anger, frust and everything else, to the brim.

I can't shake them off, I tried. I can try to make them smaller and quieter, but that is not a long term solution nor is helping for a long time. It is hard. It is frustrating. It is a big energy loss.

They make me feel alone. Make me feel, as if what I feel through them is real, even if it's not. They make me feel, as if I do not know how to feel, without them. You wanna know the scary thing about that?

I do not know, how, without them.

[nightmindstuff]

I feel that it is getting bad again and I eant help so bad. But at the same time, I have the need to be alone and overcome it because if not, I am weak and an attentionseeker....

[nightmindstuff]

I hate the way it makes me feel

The most little things irritate me. Honestly, small things like my mother eating something I bought what I really want to eat or when I went to the store but it was closed due to the circumstances but it was updated online. Small things like these get me so mad and frustrated. Just minutes ago, I wanted to eat the remains of the food she cooked. I couldn’t finish it before because it was too much and my boyfriend and she couldn’t finish their portion, who has a few different ingredients as mine. I went out to get my food and saw that the two portions mixed together. When I asked her she looked surprised and apologetic to at me and said, she mixed them because she thought we won’t eat them and that she would finish. There was no bad thought, I know that. But my heart still sank and my stomach felt heavy. I got sad at first and by the next sentence she said I was irritated. She said she thought, I won’t really eat it. I told her it was fine and smiled and told her, after she frantically apologized, that is okay. The second I stepped into the bedroom of my boyfriend I boiled inside. Why did she thought that? I almost ate the whole damn portion? Just because I didn’t ate it in a single meal? Why didn’t she asked? I mean, yeah she cooked but it was meant for me or wasn’t it? SO why not simply ask, Hey, do you still want to it or nah? I know she meant nothing bad by it, but I was looking forward to eat the food because it tasted good and than I couldn’t because of the different ingredients I can’t eat. I just....I am mad at something so trivial and it frustrates me that it makes me feel that way....

[nightmindstuff]

It all sucks

I don’t think I need to tell anyone this but life seriously sucks. Be it school life, friends, family, my own mentality or whatnot. It all sucks. Honestly, I could write whole books about how shitty everything is. I could start with how I don’t even know what is up with me. I don’t know if I have Depression, Borderline, Bipolar Disorder or something else because no Therapist, no psychiatrist, nobody takes it seriously what I say. They all push it to the side, turn and twist it around as if I do this for attention, that I imagine these things, that I lie. At the same time, I get told why I don’t seek for help if I feel like something is wrong. But guess what, it is wrong. No matter what I do, it is wrong. Seeking help or don’t. Being thoughtful or trying not to be attentive so I doesn’t seem like a creep. Being to clingy or being to distant. Nothing is right. I am not right. I don’t even know why I feel like I feel. Why I think what I think. What I do what I do and nobody can tell me. Nobody would even try to tell me. Well, nobody who could help me to deal with it or something. Like, a psychiatrist, a therapist or something. I have my friends. Right, a few close one but.....but I can’t even tell them? It is like a blockade. I try to reach out but every time it turns around and it is about them. At the end, then they ask about me. At the end, after I lost my courage. The courage I worked so hard for and struggled with myself to even approach them. At the end, I hurt my friends even while I say I can’t. They don’t understand. How? I can’t tell them why, so how should they understand? Maybe it is selfish to think they should know. That they should know I do not feel good but at the same time, isn’t it obvious when I try to reach out? When I ask if they have time for me to talk? Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe I do just imagine things. Lie. Do that for attention. I don’t know myself anymore, honestly, and it scares me..... It just sucks....all....

[nightmindstuff]

Why is it, that when I finally got to reach out and want to talk, it always turns around? In the end, it is never about me. I can literally write how bad it is and it is, as id I never wrote that.

Why should it be about me? Why? Why should anyone be interested how I am? It doesn't matte, becuse it would be about me

Why is it, that I still try? Why do I still try to reach for somerhing, when it will never happen?

And people ask me, why I never talk about myself....

[nightmindstuff]

I wish I was dead

Or at least, I wish how to turn off emotions

[nightmindstuff]

I am scared. I am scared shitless that the next person I love, that is dear to me, that I opend up to in more than one way is going to leave me. I feel sick. My stomach is turning like as if my organs want to be spit out. I am shaking like a tree in a Storm. I cried the whole night and my eyes now hurt and they are swollen.

I don't want it to happen. But it will happen again. I knew it will happen and still, I let them in and now I will pay.

I am scared...I don't want that. It hurts so much. I can't think or breathe. My lungs feel like they are about get crushed.

I don't want them ro leave. I want them to be with me. To hold me. To be there in my life.

Why?...Why is that happening over and over and over again...

[nightmindstuff]

Today is a bad day. A really bad day. One of these days where I don't eat, don't sleep. I don't even feel beeing alive if not for the pain in my chest. My chest feels heavy. It feels like it will be ripped apart. My head hurts and is spinning. I can't think straight and the desire to do dumb shit is so bad. So high. So.... So alluring. I just want it to end. The voices. The pain. The feeling. Everything.... Make it end..

[nightmindstuff]

I don't even know what to write. I had so much in my head but now it is empty there. Hollow. Nothing there. Just darkness. And that one line from "Mad World". Maybe you know that song. It seriously happend to fit. That one line I mean.

"The dreams in which I'm dying, are the best I ever had."

It fits so perfectly, it makes me feel sick. I don't even know why, but it is just stuck in my head. It is true, by the way.

These dreams are the best. Because I don't feel. I don't feel the dreading feeling of betrayal. How the stupid hope, that builds up inside you, dispite how you try not to hope, breaks even though you know, it was pointless to hope. The ache of your heart when it hurts. The sickening feeling, deep inside your gut where you feel like your organs twist around and you are about to vomit. You don't need to hear your heart shatter into a thousand pieces, again and again and again. The emptiness inside you and that feeling that you should cry, but you can't because why? What is there to cry about? Your own dumbness? Your own mistake to hope and believe? Over and over again? It is your own fault anyway, so why cry? What right do I have to cry? I have none.

So I go back. Back to my empty head coverd in darkness and lonliness with that one line, stuck inside my head. Knowing, I won’t sleep tonight

[nightmindstuff]

Anybody know this feeling, like, when you see that the other person do so much for other people but never did that for you? Like, they called you best friend and everything but now it is like you are strangers? And you see how much they do for others but not for you even though you did everything for them?

It may be childish but it honestly hurt to see that my former best friend is doing a grand birthdayparty for someone who Talks so badly about me, hurt me and abonded me. She knew this. She even told me he tells things about her and all but it seems like it isn't true. It wasn't even enough that he talks about me this way, her best friend, to cut the bond to him but she always rants about him how she is annoyed at all.... I see how it is...

It is so childish. It is fucking birthdayparty but it hurts. It hurts so much to see that she cares about others so much more than she had about me. I have thrown partys for her and only her and she couldn't even say properly "Happy Birthday" to me.... She wasn't there when I needed her... I was never good enough I guess?

Sorry for the rant... It was... It was a bit overhelming to see this even if it's just a minor thing and I should be over it... But it is so hard...