As I get on with my life I learned a lot of things about my anxiety issues or other problems here and there which took me a long time to admit. It’s hard to admit when I been in denial or try to say that didn’t happen at all. I am writing them here to share my story.
I saw a therapist about a year ago because of my struggle with not just my anxiety but about my past relationship. I would get nightmares of my ex raping me, the thought of the “drug” weed freaked me out which it still does, not being able to sleep, my constant apologizing for things I shouldn’t apologize for (which is half and half when I do it), and being self conscious. We only talked about half that stuff since I wasn’t fully comfortable discussing with things like this to her just yet.
As we started talking about my relationship with my ex and the connection of the nightmares added the weed she validated things for me. I was emotional abused by my ex and the fact my nightmares started when he “harassed” me while being under the influence of weed. To translate for me, I was basically programmed that anyone under the influence of weed would attack me or try to hurt me. I try not to think about that as much.
Before this happened and my session with my therapist, my fiancé was having trouble sleeping. His mom who uses this “drug” for medical purposes since she’s allergic to pain medications helps her. She gave him a pot cookie to help him sleep. He tried it and ate one, but told me beforehand so he wouldn’t keep it a secret from me. I had a panic attack and feared him for a little bit which I didn’t like what happened. I didn’t understand why I would fear him since I known him since middle school. It confused and scared me. I saw the cookie and wanted to bash it with a hammer till it was nothing but dust. Fiancé convinced me not to which angered me, but I also didn’t know why.
When my therapist explained to me everything it all clicked which made me question everything, but it made both things better and worse. It was a difficult moment for me which is something I have to admit. The fact I was emotionally abused in ways I am still struggling to recover from. To make note, I was with this ex for about 7 - 8 years.
I had another ex who is best friends with my first ex. Even then, the first ex wanted to “help” with the progress of that relationship while know what’s going on. His attempt was also to remain friends with me. After that break up he defriended me on social media’s along with my other ex. No reason why only that my fiancé was involved and my fiancé also made me have a wake up call by validating these things I was so use to.
1. It is NOT normal for me to just get a text from a significant other once a week for a few minutes
2. It is NOT normal to apologize for everything
3. It is NOT normal to constantly explaining little things
4. It is NOT normal to feel like you can’t say no.
It wasn’t healthy for me and it took me a really long time to realize this. I didn’t understand how it wasn’t normal till my fiancé explained to me in ways of action to show how it wasn’t normal.
Things were ok after that. I was trying to moving on and recover. I was socializing more, getting help, less nightmares, not always apologizing, etc. I felt better but I knew I had a long way to go.
Then things didn’t become ok.
About a month ago an event happened. To not to go into details about the whole thing I will just summarize what happened. My fiancé step dad tried to kiss me while my fiancé was in the bathroom. It scared me and brought me back to a dark place even though I stopped it once I realized what was happening.
1. Did I “flirt” in any way?
3. Will people be angry with me?
4. Did I just ruin relationships?
5. If someone found out will I be considered a home wrecker?
I had a panic attack after I told my fiancé what happened. I felt dirty, ashamed, confused, and the feeling of burning my pants because he touched my leg before it happened. Added to that he was drunk and I don’t know if he would have remembered it or not. I am still struggling with what I should do.
I started regressing a little which wasn’t good. My fiancé could tell and he didn’t blame me, but was furious something like this happened. Especially when he went out to use the bathroom. My fiancé makes sure I am not in a room by myself with his step dad.
I told a few of my close friends what happened. Besides finding the whole thing messed up, action should be taken. As of right now, my fiancé and I are still discussing the idea of telling his mom if it weren’t for the fact she’s in a lot of trouble with legal issues of handling a trust, dealing with her other sons, and among other things. It’s just all complicated.
I am still struggling with my past issues and current issues. It is something that will take time. I have tried to get a hold of my therapist but thanks to Covid it’s impossible right now. Instead, I try to do what I can. I am in pain, but I still take it one step at a time.
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