personal thoughts

i am broken

[nikitaagupta]

I remember I used to write poetry. Not good poems, not bad ones.

I remember I used to write poetry. Not about me but about you.

I remember I used to write poetry. Not willingly but compliantly.

I remember I used to write poetry. Now I look at your pictures and read my poems, wondering why did I ever write poetry.

[nikitaagupta]

This was my first valentines days without my ex boyfriend. And I learned that you can love yourself and celebrate valentines without a boyfriend. Why is valentines ONLY celebrated by couples? I think it is a day of love. Celebrate it with anyone and everyone you love. Your self firstly. Then maybe your family. Your friends. Celebrate it with everyone and anyone who makes you feel loved.

I celebrated it with myself hoping I can accept my flaws and celebrate my strengths.

[nikitaagupta]

Have you ever screamed hoping the pain would stop hurting? Have you ever put the shower on so nobody can hear you cry? Have you ever wanted your friends to notice how much you are actually hurting? Have you ever wanted to hit rewind? Have you ever wanted to just stop breathing? Have you ever just wanted to numb all your feeling.

That’s me and my depression everyday.

[nikitaagupta]

Losing your bestfriend sucks more than anything in this fucking world…

[nikitaagupta]

I think, you will always be mine. Just like, I’ll always be yours. We might meet new people. But it can’t change the fact that somehow you still belong to me, even if it’s a little bit.

[nikitaagupta]

“the day we break up, that day forth, i can’t tell you how I feel. i am not even entitled to know how you feel. but that doesn’t mean i would stop loving you. but that doesn’t mean my heart would beat any slower when i hear your name.but that doesn’t mean i’d stop hoping its a text from you every time my phone vibrates. but that doesn’t mean i stop loving you. it means i no longer can tell you i love you. and that sucks. because it means i no longer can hear you stay those words to me.”

— the day we break up// lessons for karan

[nikitaagupta]

Losing your partner can be so hard. You plan your life with them. You plan to get married and travel the world with them. You plan to grow old with them. You spend every milestone with them and then they’re gone. How do you go on living after that?

How do you go to bed alone, knowing your partner once slept next to you?

How do you wake up alone, knowing nobody will make you coffee?

How do you come home, knowing nobody will be waiting for you?

How do you go anywhere, when the person you go with is gone?

How do you celebrate life?

How do you go on living after that?

How//nikitaagupta

[nikitaagupta]

Your shirt is sitting on my chair and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t wear it because it reminds me too much of you. But I can’t put it away because I don’t want to forget you. I don’t want you to forget me. I don’t know what to do with it.

I still remember the day I stole that shirt. It was our first new years eye together and I was so cold in my dress. You told me not to wear a dress but I wanted to look pretty. I wanted you to feel that you’re fucking lucky to have me. But halfway in the party, I was shivering. So you took me to your room and put on a shirt and then a sweatshirt.

Four years later, I still have your shirt. You are gone but your shirt is here. But I don’t know what to do with it. I want to call you and tell you to take everything back. Take your shirt back and Take your girl back.

Your shirt//nikitaagupta

[nikitaagupta]

Maybe one day you’ll find your way back to me and that will be the best day of my life.

[nikitaagupta]

You know, how cigarette packs always reminds us that smoking kills. So that we make informed choices and we are aware of the risks we sign up for. I wish someone would have warned us about what heartbreaks do, because they ruin lives. Heartbreaks keep us alive but barely breathing so that every waking moment of our lives, we remember that we made a choice and we are suffering because of that goddam choice.

If cigarettes packs come with a warning, so should heartbreaks.

warning//nikitaagupta

[nikitaagupta]

My thoughts and my Tumblr blog have two things in common: always about you, and always so darn sad.

//nikitaagupta

[nikitaagupta]

I miss you, baby. I  miss your good morning texts, even though I never used to get why you sent them. I miss talking to you about the things: things that bother me and things that make me laugh and things that are just ridiculous. I miss making plans with you and never following through. I miss finding nooks and corners in the movie hall to kiss you because I only got the courage to own your body in dark, scary places. I miss screaming at you for some ridiculous thing you said because you sometimes like to make me angry and sometimes, I liked to get angry to see you squirm. I miss you, baby. I miss you at night and in the day. I miss the fact that no one says good morning anymore. I can’t remember anything good about any morning without you. I miss you when I am at work and when I cook. I thought I won’t miss you when I am busy. But the more I am busy, the more I miss you.  I miss you throughout the day and I hope it will stop there but I dream about you in the night. I miss how your body felt on mine and how you engulfed me. I miss having the hope that we could be something great and I miss having you in my life. I miss you, baby.

I miss you//nikitaagupta

[nikitaagupta]

“the thought of breaking up with you scares me. the thought of another girl kissing you scares me. the thought of you holding someone else’s hand scares me. the thought of you sharing your bed with her scares me. the thought of you ranting to her scares me. the thought that you’ll replace me so easily scares me.”

— //nikitagupta

[nikitaagupta]

“I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know who I am and who I want to be. I don’t know where I want to go next. I don’t want to loose myself in you but everyday I feel like I am. I don’t know. Is it okay to not know where you’re headed next? Is it okay to be lost? Is it okay to be confused? Is it okay to make mistakes? I don’t know.”

— //nikitagupta

[nikitaagupta]

is it just me or are notes on tumblr like orgasms for writers?

[nikitaagupta]

I feel inadequate when I am with you. I don’t think I’m supposed to constantly feel like I am not enough. I don’t think I’m supposed to constantly feel like you’re better than me. I don’t think I’m supposed to constantly feel like I don’t do enough for you. I don’t think I’m supposed to constantly feel like I am breaking into pieces. I don’t think I’m supposed to constantly feel like I am not deserving. I don’t think I’m supposed to constantly feeling like this. But I don’t have the strength to walk away because you, no matter what you say, are adequate for me.

[nikitaagupta]

overthinking. 

I lay in my bed hours before sunrise thinking about you. You told me you loved me but I’m not sure about how you feel. You held my hand firmly but I’m not sure how you feel. You kissed me gently but I’m not sure how you feel. You lay next to me but I’m not sure how I feel. now I wonder why I’m not sure about how you feel. Maybe its your secret phone calls, maybe its your new instagram display, maybe its your new favourite song, maybe.. maybe it is your stupid grin. So I lay in my bed hours before sunrise thinking about you, your feelings and how unsure I felt. Do you think I’m overthinking or is this how its supposed to be?