HOW VIOLENT HOPE IS

[nilnox-blog]

weaponexpert.

on reflex, they lean into luna’s palm, closing their eyes against the touch. they think, not for the first time, that there should be some sort of guide for falling in love with someone with a predetermined fate  ( maybe they could write it:how to love and lose and learn to breathe on your own  ———  step one: don’t forget the way she holds your heart in the palm of her hand ). they turn their head enough so lips can press against luna’s palm, a kiss lighter than air.  ❝  i love you.  ❞  it comes out quieter than they’d intended, muffled against luna’s hand. ❝  i love you, and i’m…  ❞ i’m sorry there’s nothing i can do. i’m sorry i can’t save you.  

❝  i’m glad for the time we’ve had.  ❞  (  step two: on the loneliest nights, remember that the stars in the sky can’t hold a candle to the stars in her eyes  ). ❝  it’s not enough time. but… i think even if i’d met you before this, it… it stillwouldn’t be enough.  ❞  they’d slay the astrals if it meant they could have just a little more time  ———  just long enough to put how luna makes them feel into words. but pleas and cries and anger are nothing compared to the power of destiny, and what they want matters little. they release luna’s hand, only to bring their own up, brushing their fingers against her cheek. ❝  i don’t regret it… i don’t regret being here. i don’t regret loving you, or how you make me feel, or… any of it.  ❞

they blink away the tears that threaten to spill, and lean in to touch their forehead against luna’s. ❝  you… you should know that the feeling’s mutual. you’re the most important thing in my life, and… ❞  (  step three: you could breathe before you met her; don’t let her last breath be yours, too  ———  they even out their breathing, force their nerves to calm  ).  ❝  and i’m never going to forget you, or how good you are, or everything you’ve done for me.  ❞  

shifting in so there’s nothing but a breath between them, sabine soon closes it lips touching once, fleetingly, to luna’s own.  ❝  i love you, ❞  it’s said softly, trailing into a whisper when they continue,  ❝  and i’m sorry. i’m sorry there’s nothing i can do to fix this. ❞  (  step four: accept your fate, because she accepted hers long ago; all you can do is nod, smile, and pretend as if it doesn’t tear you apart  ).

      but there was never time enough. not for one who waited for a fairy tale, for a ‘happily ever after’ that was lost somewhere with her castle.  ( somewhere there’s a story being written about them. somewhere it begins : once upon a time, you fell in love with someone who looked at you like you were more than a miracle. ) sabine says they love her and it’s the cruelest kind of truth. undeniable. it’s a promise neither of them know how to keep.

     ( there was no castle walls save for your arms. no roof except for your foreheads pressed together. ) what does it mean to turn a person into the one place you call home? what does it mean to know that home will stay standing long after those living inside are dead? ( hopefully, that someone else will live there, too. don’t forget your heart, sabine. it is so, so light ) it’s raining / she’s crying. either way salt water threatens to swallow her whole. “ i love you. ” call her a broken record. call her a woman who has only ever had love. “ don’t —— don’t apologize. for anything. ”

       “ i’ve never regretted a moment with you. ” and their lips are just a ghost over her own. ( and you’ll want to haunt her, sometimes. you’ll be afraid to be forgotten —— remember when they saw you for more than your destiny. that’s how you’ll live in their mind. ) she’d been an oracle before she knew the meaning of the word. been chosen before she’d been born and still her heart was held willing captive between sabine’s teeth. luna closes the distance once, twice, again as though she could memorize the curve of their mouth. as though she can carry it into the next life.

      “ you’ve... you’ve done so much for me. more than i ever could have asked. ” ( once upon a time, you fell in love with someone who reminded you that you were more than miracle. made you forget that miracle was all you could be ) if she had more anger in her heart maybe she’d curse the skies. maybe she’d turn her back on the path carved before her in immutable stone. but she is love. first and foremost and so she presses her mouth to sabine’s lips. ( and when you leave, you’ll leave the sheets folded. the dishes clean. the halls empty of your song. and maybe one of you will live happily ever after. ) 

      “ i wouldn’t wish this to be fixed. ” the words hurt to say. she knows they need to be. “ only for maybe more time. so that i ... so that we ——  “

[nilnox-blog]

loggin in to this blog like:

[nilnox-blog]

spectrefive.

❝  not recently.  ❞  her tone is light  &  airy, despite the underlying feeling of dread that’s been creeping up on her. she chooses not to focus on it, instead focuses on the feeling of luna’s lips against her skin, the press of fingers against her palm. there’s sadness there, too: sadness that seeps into the soft kisses and fleeting embraces, sadness so heavy that it threatens to snap the string holding them together. that, too, is ignored, instead replaced with the intense feeling of joy that luna brings her, replaced with the feeling of loving and being loved.

her hands curl around luna’s, calloused fingers holding a gentleness she hadn’t known possible until she’d met luna. oracle’s hand is brought to her lips, the kiss given petal soft. a smile touches her lips, but doesn’t quite meet her eyes. there are some things that needn’t be spoken: it’s not fair. i know, it’s not fair.

the edges of the smile soften, but don’t fade. ❝  if you’d like to tell me, though… i’m happy to listen. ❞

      she could have kept it light. tried to pretend that each day together wasn’t a narrowing window, wasn’t an end approaching far sooner than she wanted. ( she could beat the ground and curse the sky but what good would it do? what god still listened that would humor her follies? she knew this duty before she knew the way sabine made her heart quicken, after all )

     if she could carry memories into her next life it would be this —– the way their mouth lifts and the warmth she brings against chilled skin. it would be the way their proximity is a balm to injured nerves. lunafreya lifts free hand to cup their cheek and it’s almost too much. swallows the air in her lungs —– she could have counted each eyelash for how close they were. how close they never could be again.

     “ i’m happy to tell you. ” the words are heavier than she meant them to be. “ how much you’ve helped me. how much i admire your strength, your intelligence. sabine you ... you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. if i had more eloquent words i’d use them but —–  “

      it’s not fair. it’s not fair. “ all i have is this. i love you, sabine wren. and i’m sorry. for all i cannot do for you. ”

[nilnox-blog]

              ( if there is one selfish thing you’ve allowed yourself, it’s the smile she brings you )

              “ sabine. ” her voice trembles more now. scourge is a sickness all may be rid of save her --- save the one which holds healing in her hands like hope. like it’s all she needs. tired is the smile which curves at her lips and she takes the other woman’s hands in hers. presses a kiss against knuckles which have seen more fight than any young soul should ( but then again --- what are they but old souls born into bodies strong enough to push on ? )

               oracle is tired. inside she feels her bones cracking, every darkness pulled from beneath the flesh buried in her own so others could shine. it wasn’t fair to fall in love when her end was spelled out in the stars. it wasn’t fair. but those weren’t the words she wanted to say. she needed something feather light, something soft ( like her mouth across sabine’s knuckles, like her fingertips pressed into her palm )

             “ have i ever told you how much you mean to me? ” / @slainphoenix

[nilnox-blog]

— who is here? who had gone out / of the door and spilled hope / all over the floor? / who buried the sky in me? || written by rhys . autoplay enabled. ( poem )

[nilnox-blog]

hey luna why dont we take your dogs pyrna and lumbar and visit one of tenebarber's many beaches

          “ that sounds delightful, sadbean run. ”

[spectrefive-movedagain-deactiva]

sabine also loves her girlfriend, @nilnox

[nilnox-blog]

lunafreya loves her girlfriend @spectrefive

[spectrefive-movedagain-deactiva]

u know what i want :*

i.

it’s impossibly hot  ———  too hot for anyone to comfortably live. the leather of her jacket sticks against her shoulders, and she rolls them, trying to loosen the material from her skin  (  she’s overheating, why is she even wearing it ?  ), and she rubs her palms against the dark denim of her jeans. she can hear her own heartbeat, wonders briefly if luna can hear it, too. she thinks maybe she should back out, but luna’s looking at her, expectantly  (  patiently  ), and hasn’t she always been taught that she shouldn’t leave a good thing waiting? palms wipe against her thighs again, though a quick glance down tells her that her hands are still filthy, sweat only making it worse. 

there’s part of her that tells her she shouldn’t dirty luna’s dress, there’s another part that tells her to just get on with it. she listens to the latter. 

one hand comes to settle in the curve of luna’s waist, the other lifts, presses two fingers beneath her chin to tilt her head up  (  she keeps the touch light, just in case luna should wish to withdraw  ). when there’s no resistance, nothing but pure adoration in luna’s gaze, sabine feels all of her nerves slip away. she leans in the bit of distance, lets her lips ghost against the other woman’s before properly kissing her. her heart skips a beat when luna kisses back, and she wonders why she waited so long to take this step, but she’s certain it was worth the wait.

ii.

the second time she lets herself kiss luna, she’s managed to control her body temperature and not make a fool of herself every time they make contact. she’ll blame it on leather and shitty temperatures, but anyone who knows better knows that she’s only barely a functioning human. she feels at ease around luna, she truly does, but there’s a rush of emotion every time sabine looks at her that leaves her feeling like she’s nothing more than a schoolgirl with a crush instead of a twenty-year-old woman in love. 

but, she supposes, that’s the best way to feel about someone.

fingers brush a stray hair out of luna’s face, and there’s a tightness in her chest that she can’t quite explain, so she doesn’t try to; instead she just touches her lips to luna’s again, and lets the feelings of bliss and comfort wash over her.

iii.

here’s the thing: they don’t make instruction manuals on having a relationship with someone whose fate is laid out for them. it isn’t something that she and luna make a habit of talking about  ——  in fact, they’ve only talked about it once. but once was enough to plant the seed in sabine’s mind, an always-present nagging that tells her one day, luna will be gone, and there will be nothing she can do to prevent it. she tries not to think about it, tries to ignore it  (  she wants to spend her time with luna happy, not mourning a loss she’s yet to experience  ), and for the most part, it works.

but there are bad days, when she can’t ignore the racing in her mind and put on a smile. it’s one of those days today, but she’s still trying her damnedest to stay happy. luna’s pale hand is held between both of her own, and she soon raises it to her lips, presses kisses against each of her knuckles, letting lips linger on the last one. there’s something in luna’s eyes that she can’t quite place, but sabine thinks that maybe it’s understanding.

i love you, she thinks, but she can’t speak it, so she presses another series of kisses to luna’s knuckles, as if she’s trying to memorise how her skin feels beneath her lips. she thinks that, in a way, she is. when she finishes up, she leans in for a proper kiss, and luna meets her half way.

if there are tears pricking at the corner of her eyes, she ignores them.

iv.

it’s another bad day. they’re becoming more frequent lately, and she can’t help but to think that it’s a sign of something. luna doesn’t say anything, and sabine doesn’t push. she’d rather not know, anyway. she can’t look at luna for too long without something becoming knotted in her stomach, without thinking that soon, luna’s going to die and the world will somehow go on without her.

the world might go on. sabine doubts she herself can follow suit.

it’s dangerous to depend on someone for your happiness, she knows this. but she’s never depended on luna; luna’s just intensified what was already there, but without her… what’s left? what does that leave her when the source of so much joy is gone? 

luna’s fingers are gentle on her cheek, and the shock of the touch causes sabine’s gaze to snap to hers. she takes a moment, focuses on those too-blue eyes, and feels her mouth run dry. even now, after so much time, in spite of everything, her heart still hammers against her chest whenever luna’s presence is so near to her own. luna’s touch trails to just under her chin, and the realisation that this is a near mirror of their first kiss isn’t lost on her. 

luna’s lips touch her own, and though nothing is fixed, for a moment, she lets herself be happy again.

v.

she refuses to let it be a bad day. there’s still this dark, looming cloud trailing after her, but she swats it away, instead focuses on the feeling of luna’s hand in her own, on the peace around them. luna’s head rests against her shoulder, and sabine has been turning on occasion to give a soft kiss to her forehead. it’s not perfect, there’s still the ribbons of dread tied around her heart, but it’s the best she’s felt in recent memory  (  she’ll be sad later, she knows, but for now she’s content  ).

there’s some shifting around, adjusting so her lips can press against luna’s own instead of another kiss to her forehead. luna’s arms are around her, her hands have found the curve of luna’s waist once again, and as they kiss, sabine thinks that when all is said and done, when she’s alone again, she’ll always have the memory of this.

and all she can do is hope it will be enough.

[nilnox-blog]

spectrefive.

         ❝  i’m workin’ on it.  ❞  and really, she is  ——  but the words keep getting caught in her throat, threatening to come out jumbled  &  rushed, instead of the patient  &  adoring tone that she’d been practising in the mirror. she doesn’t recall it being this hot when the conversation started  (  is she sweating? she’s afraid to check )  and she wonders if luna feels even a fraction of the heat she does. the ring feels impossibly heavy in her pocket, and it’s with trembling fingers that she pulls it out, turns it over.  ❝  i’m, uh. you know that i’m in love… no, that’s awful. lunafreya, i’m… would you… that’s worse.  ❞  her face is undoubtedly flushed now, and she turns away from thatblue, blue gaze, her free hand coming to rub nervously at the back of her neck.  ❝  it was a lot easier trying to propose to myself in the mirror.  ❞

             she isn’t trying to laugh. has practiced poise since she could walk long enough to square her shoulders. lessons that don’t seem to stick anymore with how sabine stumbles over her words --- so luna feels her heart skip beats. dancer with ill timing she’s always been, the press of her lips is the best she can manage in the moment. “ sabine. ” voice gentle --- the whisper all she can manage to keep the tremble from the name. spoken like, ‘yes’ like, ‘you needn’t even ask’. lunafreya places pale hands over top hers. “ deep breaths, beloved. ” but the smile is back and she finds the ring in her hand. thrill at the metal, goosebumps rise along her skin. “ if you’ll allow me. ”

[nilnox-blog]

          “ you can just ask, you know. “ it isn’t that easy --- well she knows. but smile dances on her lips sure as nerves tangle words in lover’s throat. they stand close enough lunafreya can feel the heat of her. each fidget and stammer setting oracle’s heart to pound in her chest. keeps the way her own throat feels tight hidden with the way blue eyes shine --- almost teasing. “ or is it easier if i do? ” / @spectrefive

[artisticflair]

                                 in the springtime, in the sun  /  we can be alone without anyone.

relationship aesthetic for @nilnox

[vesselsofmercy]

the more I live the more I think two people together is a miracle.

Adrienne Rich, from Twenty-One Love Poems (via honeyfleshed)

[nilnox-blog]

                windows had since turned to pretty prison bars, despite how much she tried to think otherwise. to look around and see her home still despite the heavy smell of metal which permeated the air. constant movement about fenestala manor foreign --- save the heeled steps of maids. there were days when lying came easier to her. when she could look about and see her home still.

                today not one of those days --- restless energy clings to her bones until lunafreya dares to step outside her bedroom. chin up, shoulders back ( never would they see how this loss wore on her ) lunafreya makes her way to the library. the soldiers which dot halls may as well be statues for how little they move.

                though she is not alone once the library is reached. realization causes her to start --- sentry more human than the rest ( for a moment, mistakes them as human still ). pale hand flutters to her chest, blue eyes widen.

           " i apologize. i had not realized --- " a moment, she clears her throat. words mattered little; sentries did not speak back. finds her confidence again, fixes her posture. “ i’m going to read. i trust this will not be an issue. ” / @skullmotif

[nilnox-blog]

mysticalwaif.

luna sweeps her braid over one shoulder with the tip of her practice foil, and sure, maybe it’s a bit of A SHOWY little move, but if she can’t be childish with her sister, who CAN she be childish with ? she rests her mask on one hip, salutes her twin sister, and SMILES. ❝ thank you for agreeing to do this, ❞ she says, suddenly, pausing before settling her mask over her face. her voice is muffled a moment later by the mesh of her mask when she says: ❝ i know we’re both busy, but it’s no excuse for us to fall out of form. ❞ freya can’t see her smile, but luna’s sure her twin can HEAR it when she speaks. ❝ ravus would have OUR HEADS if he found we weren’t practicing as much as we used to. ❞

             “ of course. “ smile plays on freya’s lips at the display as she, too, salutes and dons her mask. can’t help but return the bit of show as she flicks her sword through the air as a warm up. “ it would do us well to take a break every once in a while, too. ” much as they were both loathe to do so --- she can feel tension as weight at the back of her neck. movement would do to untangle the knots formed there. a moment --- freya rolls her shoulders and takes up stance. voice light as her sister’s as she continues, “ you’d think he would join us one of these times. for all he scolds.”

[nilnox-blog]

fingers carefully work through her hair, taking time to work the strands into a series of braids. it's, truthfully, a rare sight - to most, her hands are made for weaponry, for fighting. but when it's them, and them alone, they hold a gentleness that's reserved only for luna. the braids are soon shaped into one another, lifted so they're up and off of luna's neck. when she's finished, she shifts, leans around and presses a quick kiss to luna's cheek. ❝ there. all set. ❞

          gentle contact unfamiliar to her still, but sabine’s fingers along her scalp send goosebumps rising along her arms. it reminds her of her youth. when hair was shorter to be certain, but sylva found a way to work magic on her daughter’s blonde locks all the same. for a moment loss is a subtle ache in her chest. but then lips on her cheek distract her. bring a smile bright to her face and she turns to look at sabine. pale hand lifts, gently pats at the braids to feel their pattern. “ thank you, beloved. i’m certain it’s beautiful. “

[mistress-light]

Final Fantasy Kingsglaive, favorite outfit for Lunafreya:

Travel attire

[nilnox-blog]

☾ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

REACTION MEME / accepting

☾ = being found shirtless .

           “ you must — “ manners forgotten in her worry, pale hand pushes at the heavy door. it had been all that stood between them and now ; now lunafreya saw why. a creature formed of corruption with intent to destroy armies with bare palm ( how she forgets when it wears a face once familiar to her ) she stays strong with the prospect of hope and yet... there is so much blood. she wonders which of it may be his --- if any.

          she prides herself on her courage and yet now it falters in her throat. blue eyes go to bare chest, to where everything seems to flow from. there is hope for him yet. mantra repeats for herself more than anything. to keep her faith in more than just stars. “ please, “ she implores and slender hand outstretches. “ let me help. “