here's to you.

To: Everyone. Especially Syahid. :D 

[ninthofoctoberism]

10,000th.

so. 

peace upon you reader. 

I guess this is how it's gonna start from today onward. I made so much memories with people who didn't stay long. I loved, I cherished, I gave my all to them when they could just crash me at once.

Many devastating moments happened to me in my life. It didn't take long for me to be very emotionally disturbed. I became the reckless and heartless person ever. I just can't give a fuck about how others felt. I wanted them to feel how I felt. 

One by one people whom I considered as 'friends' or 'best friends'; they have flaws. Flaws that I least expect to see, hear and feel. Now I'm not being judgmental; just expressing how I totally feel about it, I truly treat everyone professionally and evenly. There may be times that I'm rude, ignorant and whatever you wanna name me, that reflects you too. 

As of being in class, where I don't regard some people as friends. You guys aren't my friends. You can see it for yourselves if I treated you differently if I were to call you a friend of mine. I'd wouldn't care if I ever see you outside because I couldn't care more if you wouldn't even care of my existence.  

Thank God for blessing me with flexible thinking parents. I can't express my gratitude to my ultimate best friends, my enemies, my life-saver, my ATM machine, my TRUE teachers. My parents. <3 

I know I failed so much as a daughter, you guys didn't gave up on me. Instead, you bring me so much happiness and supported me throughout my whole entire journey while growing up as an adult soon. I appreciate the small little gestures and concerns you have. Therefore, I'm really sorry if I can't show my thankfulness towards the both of you. You guys deserve so much better than this, hopefully I'll change for the better. 

To those people who I truly, really, consider as friends or a best friend. Please. Don't disappoint me. I've had enough pain that I went through. Trusted so many people that made me into probably one of the most depressed people on earth. I love you guys so much and I hope you guys are sincere and I'm sorry for being a burden seriously. Thank you for believing and staying by my side when time gets rough. God bless. <3 

To Joe. I know I wasn't really the one that existed in your life, It was me all the time being so into you. I liked you so much, when others are like making fun of you, I just freaking feel like slapping their faces. Hahah, But yeah, Sadly. Somehow I know you hated me at some point and you can't give a shit about me. Who am I to you anyways right? I moved on from you easily honestly, it was difficult at first; life still moves on my dear. :) Take care! Love you (as a friend I guess.) -x 

To Karema. It's great and all knowing you just for a day through Syahid. It's pretty obvious that you like/ love him. That's just what I assume you're  feeling from what I observed. You're so damn lucky that he loves you, he calls you a best friend, he takes care of you; whereas there's just me waiting/ giving up for that moment. It's not great for me to sort of quarrel with you on behalf of him. I expected more that you'd listen to what I wanted to say rather than hearing a one-sided story. It's fine though, I wasn't so affected by it. Maybe one day if Insyallah, if we get to meet again, I'll smile and apologize to you sincerely. Take care of him and yourself well. Thank you for being nice to me even though it was just a day, you deserved him. :) Assalamualaikum. 

To other people who I didn't mention or anything. Just keep on moving forward, go on with life and do whatever that makes you happy. Sing it out, dance it off, express yourself freely. You guys are awesome and I'm proud of you. Do what you feel that's right for you, think positively and never take a step back, Push to your limits and live your life the way you wanted to. :D 

Please remember that I truly love every single one of you. it's okay if you're disgusted of me. I'm sincere. You guys are my weakness and my strengths. There's no one better than you guys. Individually, you're my source of motivation and inspiration, and I thank you for that. <3

All the best for the rest of the months to come people! Cheers. Keep moving forward and never give up hope. Stay strong and be happy! :D Let's make 2014 a life changing experience for each and every one of us. God bless. 

You know you love me. 

-x 

[ninthofoctoberism]

syahid, :)

where do I begin...

right. 09 October 2013. ^^

that night where I first talked to you. ^^ oh great memories. heheh. 

jokes aside. 

Everything here is all my honest views. I'll have to warn you that I'm brutally honest and I really want to let you know the truth. 

Eventually one day, like any other day, I'll come back to you with a long apology letter trying to get you back into my life. After loads of drama, and unnecessary chaotic hates, I guess this is what's best for me. From my point of view, I don't know about you. 

You can stop reading here though if you can't give a *bleep* anymore about me. It's fine. I'll just summarize it for you, I'm sorry and thank you. :) 

But... if you're still nice enough, then great though, I'd like to thank you for continuing. ^^

okay. so. it's almost a year that we get to know each other. I must admit. really. I must admit that we've been through a whole loads *bleep* kind of situations. A whole lot. From slapping, to a photo, to now, me being ignored. It's really sad that I only get to talk to you for a while and BOOM we're done with again. 

Honestly, I'm extremely jealous of those people who are close with you, they get your attention more than I do. That's just the way I feel. Obviously I was nothing to you for these few months I guess...? I failed being a sister, failed being a best friend, failed becoming a friend and another failure in your life. Perhaps I don't know...? We're sworn not to be friends or nah. Hahah! Allah swt knows best right? 

I'll be truthful okay? I loved you so much. I get so emotional because of you. That's just the past, I ain't doing that anymore. I moved on from loving you. Those feelings sometimes comes back but yeah, I deserve better and I don't wanna ruin anything that's already happening. 

Being around you makes me feel better in some ways, It's not explainable. Hahah. The joy that I get by your text, it's like a blessing. Countless days I prayed that we wouldn't quarrel but it's unavoidable. One way or another, we'd just well, fight over small things. 

Till now... I was disappointed, devastated and broken. I try my best not to be bothered by all the negativity that's already surrounding me, or else I'll return where  I'm suicidal. That's the worse I've been through. Being depressed is already a part of me that's not gonna go away. It lived with me while growing up.

I know I could be mean, rude, selfish, attention seeking, boring and just plain nothing. I know it kills you trying to talk to me when all I can do is be self centered and not think about how you feel. I'm not gonna lie, when I get angry I say things that's hidden of what I honestly feel, my words will be really cold and I hurt others with my truthfulness.   

I'm sorry. I don't mean to insult you for being a single child, I get what it feels like being lonely without proper attention. Even though I grew up with 3 younger siblings, I do get lonely on my own. I take back my words of being insensitive towards your feelings. 

I'm not going to blame you either for bringing that slap back. I know you'll never going to forgive me for that. Never. I thought that you'd sincerely accept my apology but of course, words mean nothing right? I really thought it was a joke, since you didn't react much into it. Never did I know that you'd hate me for this. This time I really, swear and vow, cross my heart and in the name of Allah, I'm truly sorry. 

Thank you for making me into a better Muslimah, I lost my way while sinning a lot in this world, there you are reminding me every single time. I adore your humbleness and loyalty. Seeing you just makes me smile. Sigh. I seriously owe you so much in my life. Thank you my brother. 

I promised that I'll never leave you and I'd be here for you. But like I've said, I failed doing all that to you. I'm sorry if you couldn't trust me enough but I tried, and I know you don't want others get worried and well, you just want others to be happy while you're putting up a fake smile while you're torn and broken inside. Personally I do that as well, but sometimes, letting it all out to someone you could trust is the best. I'm never going to break my promises, so. I'm still here if you need me. :)

I don't know why, I can't seem to hate you. I keep coming back for more and you never fail to surprise and make me smile every time when I get upset. It's just sad that I came to know that actually you hated me, but you don't want to hurt me. It's fine actually, I rather you be honest and tell me you hate me instead of faking it, which eventually makes me even disappointed and upset. 

I don't want to bring up about your best friend. It's just gonna hurt me more than I am now. After all the reflections, thinking and mind games that bother me so much into this problem... I gave up and here I am now. 

You reminded me a lot of my late grand-dad. He died a day before your birthday. I chose to treasure you so much because I truly loved you like I loved him. He puts a smile on my face and listened to everything I complained, rants, unhappiness and every little secret within me. You did exactly like him, being happy and all while covering up your hurt inside. I don't want to lose another person in my life that bring out the joy of me. 

You deserve the best and I promise you I'll never take you for granted ever again. Wish you all the best Syahid. Take care and be safe. I'll pray for your happiness and health. Insyallah, I'm just hoping that we'll be friends again in the future. 

For the last time. 

I'm sorry and thank you Syahid. <3