Things had fell apart once again, unexpectedly, like with all bad news and all troubles. As if his footing had crumbled under him, his fall direct into pitch black darkness. It wasn’t as if he was unused to the dry darkness and cold loneliness, to this frustrating feeling of defeat and of powerlessness. But, to be snatched away from his hopes right before he could caught them, just when they seemed so close, so possible, so reachable.. it was far too cruel. too heartless. Even for him.
He didn’t hated Nazu-nii… no, Nito. He could never. He was more than happy to know he was in Bellevue, to see he had a nice fulfilling job and that he was doing alright. He only wished the best for his former teammate and old friend. For him to find happiness. But he wanted him to do it far away from them.
When they were close, like broken and tangled puppets, their struggled to get free only caught them deeper into the string trap, chocking them up slowly and painfully.
It should be different now… they had grown up. They were no longer trapped in the past. They were more mature. They wouldn’t fall in the same games of before.
Behind closed eyelids, it came the image of that door. The cold, hard door that didn’t opened to him no matter what he did. It didn’t mattered how much he knocked on it, or how much he pleaded and begged, it just wouldn’t bulge. A cold painful shiver running through his body, he noticed just how strongly he was gripping at his phone.
But how couldn’t he? Oshi-san was hurt. His most important person…
U didn’t even told us u were coming
& now u jst invite us like nothin?
Harsh, rude words were typed fast against the screen, shaky hands and a frown in place.
He didn’t hated Nito. He really didn’t. He had nothing but admiration, love and respect for the angelically cute blond. The perfect and beautiful Nito that Oshi-san loved. So many years ago, when they all together were the top of Yumenosaki, he had loved to see the Nazu-nii that danced to Oshi-san’s commands. And, aware he could never compete against him, that he could never be good enough, he accepted his position as a broken, useless doll.
But they were no longer Valkyrie. This wasn’t Yumenosaki. And he wasn’t a doll anymore. Was he? Oshi-san had told him so. Hadn’t he? But even now, even after so long, he still couldn’t win against Nito. Just some words from the blond were enough to make all of Mika’s efforts crumble, like a card house thrown away by the wind.
He had already pressed send. Stupid Mika. Stupid.
It wasn’t like he didn’t wanted to make up. He loved Nazuna and he loved Oshi-san. If they could all be happy again, what else could he wish for? Why was he acting though for? Was he jealous? For Oshi-san, for Nazuna, for those days of happiness that wouldn’t come back, he couldn’t be this stubborn…
They were grown ups now. Why couldn’t things just go smoothly? Why was it so hard to laugh off the past and walk forward?
Before he realized he was brisking in direction to Oakville Flats, phone gripped strongly in his hands, feet way too shaky. What was he doing? Was he going to meet Nazuna? Was he going to Oshi-san?
The winter wind was oh so cold…
Of course it came back to his own ridiculousness at moments like these. Shu stared at the phone in his hand, the two messages glaring up at him. There was no reason that Kagehira should be mad at Nito. It really wasn’t the blond’s fault that Shu was utterly incapable of seeing him without breaking down afterwards.
And it was unfair of him to let Kagehira blame Nito.
It was also unfair of him for locking Kagehira out. Figuratively and literally. He knew he couldn’t keep the other out of the apartment since he’d given him a key, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t keep him out of his personal room, and that’s what Shu had done. Locked himself in his bedroom.
As if he was back in high school again.
Except he’d kept the door unlocked since Kagehira lived with him and…well.
Shu just needed time. To sort things out. He knew he wanted to be honest with Kagehira, he couldn’t pursue anything with the other young man if he couldn’t be honest with him, that would be dooming everything right from the start.
He knew that Kagehira didn’t hate Nito. Despite the way Shu had relentlessly compared the two of them, Kagehira always looked up to Nito and truly did love him like an older brother.
If nothing else… Shu needed to fix his mistakes. For those two. Because they deserved better than he had given them.
Weakly, Shu unlocked his room door and stumbled into the main living area, squinting when he realized the drapes had been left open, flooding the space with bright sunlight that Shu had not seen since he’d gone to visit Nito at the animal shelter. His vision swam for a moment and he blindly reached out to press his hand against the wall to steady himself. When was the last time he’d eaten…?
Bringing his phone up again, Shu squinted at his screen as he slowly tapped out his response.
He knew. Despite Kagehira’s response, Shu knew that the dark haired boy would show up. He was loyal and would show up for the two of them no matter what.
The next order of business was making his way into his kitchen. With shaky hands, Shu managed to prepare a cup of tea for himself. For his nerves. His breathing was heavy as he tried to convince himself that this was what he needed.
They needed to talk. All three of them. This mess had been dragged out for far too long. The topic had been avoided, unnecessarily, because he kept pushing it off. He thought about it often enough, but when anyone even opened their mouth to speak of it. Of his greatest mistake. Shu would promptly shut them up.
He was called mature. Stoic. Many other names that had the same meaning. But none of that was true. He was childish. And his childishness had kept his scars, and those he’d inflicted on his precious ones, fresh and painful.
Shu took a shuddering breath.
As he quietly left his apartment, Mademoiselle watched him go from her case in the living room.
It felt as if a dagger was thrust into his heart when his phone went off and Mika’s message appeared on the screen. He was right, every word was right and they dug their way into Nazuna’s conscience. Wasn’t this too cruel of him, grasping at straws? Trying to fix a broken string could only result in a knot. He had hurt Shu when they had met. He had hurt Mika by hurting Shu.
If this was a fairy tale, surely he would be Pinocchio. A doll wishing to cut off his strings and become a real boy. A liar who tosses away his friends for the sake of “fun”. He cast away his past and abandoned for his own selfish reasons, and now there was no way left to reattach those strings of yore. He had already been tainted by life itself and he would never be able to return to being a doll again. Not even if that was what his Oshi-san requested of him.
Many times had he contemplated how to execute this -- brief and to the point? Or should he sit down with them and offer them cake like old friends coming for a visit? Deciding the former was probably better for all of them (although old friends he no longer had the right to use that word to describe them) Nazuna could do nothing but wait for the doorbell to ring.
And ring it did. Just as the message from Shu lit up his screen, Nazuna was already headed to the doorway, Mika’s mismatched eyes and hair as unruly as ever visible in the peek hole. The expression upon the other’s face made Nazuna freeze in regret -- it was too late to cancel. Days too late. No, when it came to the three of them, it was a discussion that was years overdue. Swallowing his anxiety the blonde slowly opened the door, exposing himself to all the wrath and hatred he was due, rightfully so.
Voice more stern than he had intended, he greeted the other, taking extra consideration to not simply spill his nickname for the younger. He had a nasty feeling that things would just go awfully wrong if he was being too familiar with the duo.
As he was about to step aside to let Mika in, trying to seek a break in the awkward atmosphere, he saw a staggering figure approach, much paler and much more unhealthy in appearance than last time they met. In an instant Nazuna’s brow furrowed in worry. Knowing the other, he wouldn’t doubt for a moment that Shu had only eaten the bare minimum for gods knew how long, and the sour taste of guilt was forming inside of his mouth. Was this his fault...? It definitely was.
Oh no. It was returning. That sense of hopelessness and speechlessness, his voice failing to emit when it was needed the most. Should he show concern? Or should he steel himself and pull through with his original plan? At a loss for word he could only shift his gaze to Mika, crimson eyes begging for help.
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