I think I spent a lot of my life anticipating nostalgia
Because I had no measure of how it would hurt
To have actually lost people, to time and to themselves
And to have consistently been myself
To have known myself so well and seen no profit
Anticipating nostalgia because
I thought there would be love there, somewhere In my record, in my lot in life
Because the day to day is so unbearable
But your future is so bright
I know my future was, or is, supposed to be bright
Because I worked hard, because I meant well
I had no measure of how it would hurt
To have changed so little by meaning well
I think I spent a lot of my life anticipating nostalgia
Because I thought that I would’ve saved one person
When it mattered, helped somehow
To have known myself so well
And only been a futile runaway
To have known myself so well
And seen no beauty, in myself or any weathered face
I think I spent a lot of my life anticipating nostalgia
Because I would have met my husband by now
Or someone nice, at least, who I might remember well
To have known myself so well
And burned every trace I left behind because
To have anyone understand me would be such a
Temptation, that if I allowed myself to exist in someone else’s life
How impossible it would be to find peace in severance
Better to be omniscient in matters
Better to be somewhere in the walls
I think I misunderstood nostalgia
Because I thought it would be in autumn
But no one would have died, and nothing would ever hurt so much
I thought I would have found some better way to process
Express these feelings in an appropriate manner, and move on
I thought it would all be in autumn when the colours are good
But it never worked like that
And no one wants to touch me
Because they think I’ll take offence to affection
That I’d be violated by love
What a cold piece of furniture
What a broken sort of girl
Knowing myself so very well
And being known to so very few
I’d love for them to break my trust, to hold me
What trust is there without love
What nostalgia is there without love
Once you’ve burned every trace behind you
And no bright lights shine ahead
Perhaps you just have to live your life
I know myself, so very well.