Just an Emotional Yapper

Noka • 22 | they/he/she • Revamping this to rant when I think anything long at all. Think of it as an unnecessarily public diary. Header by Kaysha on Unsplash

[noka-noir]

Maybe I should be honest with myself and admit that I’m autistic.

It has been quite some time since I’ve talked to myself here in my tiny corner of the internet. One of the biggest reasons for this is I’ve managed to find an interest that has almost completely consumed me.

I’ve only mentioned this briefly before, but in my continued journey in self discovery I have been taking a little more care in learning myself. I’ve been trying to take note of things I do, they way I behave, and what it can tell me about the person I am. Having this particular new interest of mine has enlightened me to a part of myself I had, honestly, previously been ignoring. That is the fact that I’m most probably autistic.

When it comes to liking something, anything really, I’ve always been the type to dedicate a lot of myself to it. I think if you had met me that’s something rather obvious. My new-found hobby is just another one of these things. But I think being aware of it has solidified this idea that there is a high likelihood I could be autistic. These interests of mine, the ones that I’ve let consume me for multiple years, being special ones.

I’ve honestly always been rather reluctant to label myself in such a way in previous years. Autism isn’t a label I can just throw on myself just because I relate to a couple of short-form videos. But I’ve had the privilege of being afforded a private therapist for a couple of sessions (I fear that’s all we could afford) and all the things my peers have said to, me about my possible neurodivergence was only repeated by the person taking care of my emotions in those sessions.

It’s a relief, honestly. Though I’ve discussed the possibility of being neurodivergent I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to fully identify with the label in fear of being wrong. But know it just feels like I’ve unlocked another piece of myself. I’m now another step closer to being the person I dream of being.

[noka-noir]

A Little Bit of Everything

I've been rather avoidant recently. Instead of putting a bucket under the running faucet, I've closed the tap. But it seems I've been forced to address it all today.

There are a lot of emotions inside of me currently.

I think I've let myself become burdened with people's expectations of me. Even those never spoken, only implied. I was a high achiever in a high achieving school with high achieving friends, so I've always felt it was expected of me to continue that into university.

I feel like I've let everyone down.

I had a meeting with the student services of my place of study. I've been meeting with them since my first year now. Today we talked about how it's looking like I'm going to repeat another year. Since we broke for the summer, I've done everything in my power (albeit unconsciously so) to addressing everything that comes with the nature of my repeat. I've allowed myself to become completely consumed by fictional worlds. So addressing everything in an hour long online meeting is a lot.

I'm trying not to cry.

There's a lot I'm still keeping inside. I've never been good at processing, whether that's by myself or with the help of another. There's so much in my heart I haven't shared in full. Maybe I'll do that next. I think that's something I need to do, really. Sit down, gather my thoughts and write it down.

I don't know. It's a lot

[noka-noir]

Oh! To be in love!

Twenty-one is not old, not at all.

There are plenty years of my life ahead of me (if God and luck serves me well). My soulmate could be around the corner.

But as a hopeless romantic that tends to be consumed by fictional romances; a hopeless romantic that is in awe of the multitude of friends around me that seem to have found their person; I can't help but wish to have a romantic partner in my corner.

Admittedly, I'm yet to experience a true adult relationship. All of my prior dating experience comes from the thrilling era of years 9 to 13 in high-school. But, oh, would having a partner be wonderful.

Where I've found myself studying my undergrad, it's hard to feel beautiful, or even somewhat desirable. Black, queer and in a larger body in a predominantly white sporting uni can do absolute wonders to one's self-esteem. So I've found myself fearing that maybe there isn't someone in the world for me.

I don't think growing old alone (romantically, I'm not going to downplay my love for my family and friends around me) is a bad thing at all. I've always been someone who tends to prefer their own company. But as I've mentioned, I'm probably the world's biggest hopeless romantic. Love is one of my favourite things. I can't help dreaming about moments I can experience it for myself.

Let's hope I find my special someone soon.

[noka-noir]

Where Am I?

When I was in high-school, I truly thought that most of my growth would happen in those years. Looking back on it now, that was truly naive of me to think. The older I get, the more I realise there's so much more of me I'm yet to discover. Instead of clearing a path forward, I feel like I'm only getting further lost in the woods.

As is probably obvious from the nature of what I can only call diary entries on this blog, I'm not exactly the most mentally well. Up until the end of my first semester of university, I truly thought I was past the trials and tribulations of my teenage years. I've always struggled with specifically depression and anxiety, but the start of a new chapter of my life gave me hope that things would get better.

Clearly they did not.

As I look back on my teenage years, I can't help but feel a little bit embarrassed for myself. Of course, everything I felt at the time was true and valid. But comparing the worries I took to heart then, and the worries I have now, they feel miles apart.

Despite all of this, I feel somewhat proud of the fact that I'm still here. I feel like I have a much better understanding of myself. Does it feel like I'm being left behind by peers that are going on to bigger and better things? Of course. But I think now, I have a better idea of where I want to be and where I want to go than I ever did before.

The hopeful tone of the end of this entry is kinda misleading, I suppose. I still feel very lost, in some sense of the word. But instead of being blindfolded in a dense, foggy forest, I've been relieved of that blindfold and granted a small torch.

[noka-noir]

Losing My Creativity

As I’ve grown there’s been a lot of hobbies I’ve lost. Most of them involve my interest in creating. I used to love art and I used to spend hours drawing on my iPad. I still love art, most of the people I follow anywhere are artists, but I miss the time when there was no pressure on me to pursue the sciences so much so I lost the time and love of making.

I used to be enamoured with creative writing, as a child I spent so much time creating stories and characters with online friends I met through roleplaying. I still think about the first ever OC I made, the attachment I had to her story. Creative writing was the reason this blog was created in the first place, despite the fact I’ve never been good at it.

My biggest enemy when it comes to my interest in art was my father, it still is sometimes, despite my big age. When I was younger, he’d write off anything creative I did saying that was useless and not important in the future. He’d be angry with me for spending any kind of time doing extracurricular activities instead of studying.

It was around A-Levels that I truly lost the old passion I had for art. I miss it. Now the most I do is a few graphic design projects and the occasional writings I post here. Idk.

[noka-noir]

I don't think I'll ever feel grown.

Life feels like it's moving too fast for me. Now that I've hit my twenties, the feeling that I'm too young and immature for my body feels stronger than ever.

I'm sure this is one of those things that every person my age feels. But it's very easy to still feel alone in these feelings. I have no plan really, I don't think I ever will. There's only so much time I can dedicate to self discovery; and self discovery is such an uncomfortable process that I spend more of my time avoiding it.

This year I want to grow up, properly. I want to get together all the "adult" things I've been putting off. I want to learn how to drive; I want to get a depression, anxiety and autism diagnosis; I want to finish my maths degree. I just don't want to feel as far behind as I do now.

With the way I work, this will probably take me a long time, longer than most I suppose. But, it's a start.

[noka-noir]

On being young and confused

I really hate the claim that children are too young to know anything. Whether to know their LGBTQ+ identity, or to know about the concept of death when a family member passes away, or even to discuss politics (at least as much as a young person can). All it does is lead to confusion.

Refusing to talk to a child about LGBTQ+ topics can only lead to confusion and hurt down the line if said child is queer. And, speaking from experience, it can really hurt. Having to constantly question yourself, feeling like a stranger to yourself because you don't know how to think about yourself, all of that are experiences I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Or refusing to properly talk to a child about death, only for a loved one to pass and said child can't even full comprehend what's happening and why a friend can't come back.

Children are probably one of the most overlooked marginalised groups. Idk, it makes me sad that we refuse to adequately engage in conversation with them.

[noka-noir]

Loneliness at 21

This is a theme I always end up thinking on. I feel like I always talk about it, but admittedly I have no other outlet for these emotions.

I think I really struggle with loneliness, like, overwhelmingly so. As always, I know I have friends and family who care about me. But I’m now realising just how much time I spend by myself, often wrapped up in a fictional world. Even when I do make it out of my room and somewhere else, I’m almost never walking with someone to a place, or even engaging in conversation with someone that's outside the context of whatever I’m doing.

A lot of people find it surprising when I say this, but I’m not very outgoing, and I’m honestly terrible at conversation. I always feel like an outsider as well; where ever I am I just don’t feel welcome, and I’m constantly questioning my presence. Honestly, in a lot of social situations I prefer to just watch or listen or just exist really, and I think that’s uncomfortable for a lot of people.

I think it’s very easy for me to compare myself to what others outwardly portray, which is never the full picture, of course. But from my current perspective, it always feels like everyone else is handling the making-friends-in-uni thing, and I’m just a bit behind. I know statistically your friend is always going to have more friends than you do, but it’s a bit hard to comprehend and see that in reality, especially when it feels like that’s the case for all my friends. And even more so when it feels like my closest friends have other friends they’re closer with.

I’m sure my other mental health things are playing into these feelings as well. I wished, when this all came up initially, that I pushed for some form of formal diagnosis and even medication or something. Right now, all my problems don’t feel very real, and it just makes everything harder to talk about and directly address. Now that I’m an adult (and a real proper one at that) it’s just going to be even harder to get people to take me seriously, 'cause I’ve got this far without anything being addressed further than a few temporary counselling sessions.

I don't know how to describe the feeling I’m feeling right now, outside of utterly alone.

[noka-noir]

Am I watching media critically?

As a means of procrastinating on studying I’ve been watching a lot of video essays. I tend to watch more media or social commentary videos that lean very left or liberal, often by either queer creators or creators of colour (I am very black and very queer). But recently I’ve been trying to watch a bit of a range.

During an all-nighter at the library I watched “How You Are Being Polarized” by GoldenBoy and “Vaush is Unironically Evil” by doomer, both of these videos are by more centrist male, white creators. It just got me thinking I suppose. I feel like when I watch anything even slightly politically charged I very easily fall into agreeing with the majority opinion in the comments. Because of my identity that ends up being rather left leaning. But watching both of those mentioned videos I realised there where things in them I also agree with. Even if there were parts that made me raise a brow. (”Vaush is Unironically Evil” makes a pointer to some studies suggesting that there isn’t a positive correlation between police violence against unarmed victims and race, which I feel like there is a lot more nuance to. But doomer does point this out.) The videos are very good, I definitely would recommend them regardless of where you might fall politically. Although the Vaush one may be a little niche? I don’t know, I didn’t know much about the subject of the video until watching it.

Anyways, my point. Well, I suppose I’m just trying to reflect one how I consume content. I really enjoy very long form video essays on these kind of things. However, I really don’t think I’m adequately engaging with it in order to be on the same level these creators are. I’m not doing further research outside of the video I’m watching. Instead I’m content in basing my opinions on what is presented to me (which will be undoubtedly bias as these are youtubers, not article writers, they are not required to have a balanced view on thing) and the comment section.

I think when I come across content I find interesting I should start to try and watch videos by different creators of varying backgrounds and opinions as a start. I suppose an ordinary person can’t be expected to know and research everything they come across. But it’s worth trying to be a little better, maybe?

I'm just yapping.

[noka-noir]

She rests alone upon the wooden deck. The fingertips of her right-hand dance amongst the ripples of the water below, occasionally dipping below the surface hoping to catch the refracted sunlight. The other hand is left to cushion her cheek as she hums a simple tune.

The summer's heat is harsh. Shade has but slipped away as time passes and the sun's position in the sky changes. Trees that had once provided relief now rustle their leaves mockingly. The breeze that ignited their melody was unhelpful in alleviating the burn of the sun on her back. But that was okay.

Here she could relax. Here she could forget how exhausting existence is. Here she could let her mind dance and leap along with her fingertips, the simple tune that left her lips providing perfect accompaniment. The tears that escape her eyes free to reunite with the water below, completing a precious cycle.

Solitude was her friend.

[Image by Vivian K on Unsplash]