#the personal

[mooneyedandglowing]

I know people talk about the human condition as in the bold underlined italicized the human condition but what about my own personal human condition and what about yours

I'm pretty sure mine is just the entirety of Ben Fama's "Fantasy" and I think we can fly past a bunch of questions and getting to know each other once we figure this out and can then just boil the worst and best bits of ourselves down to a quick read for anyone else to skim through to accept or reject and I appreciate that sort of efficiency and I'd like to see more of it if I'm being honest

Fantasy by Ben Fama | Poetry Foundation

Forever is the saddest word. 

What's yours?

[securityunit-ese]

urgh when someone has multiple accounts and u cant decide which one to follow

[bluesapph]

Posting on this app feels like I'm walking into a ghost town.

I remember going on Tumblr religiously during my Vanguard days and twitter was just a way to live tweet my life and scream into the void

Things change in those 10 years huh

[noka-noir]

Maybe I should be honest with myself and admit that I’m autistic.

It has been quite some time since I’ve talked to myself here in my tiny corner of the internet. One of the biggest reasons for this is I’ve managed to find an interest that has almost completely consumed me.

I’ve only mentioned this briefly before, but in my continued journey in self discovery I have been taking a little more care in learning myself. I’ve been trying to take note of things I do, they way I behave, and what it can tell me about the person I am. Having this particular new interest of mine has enlightened me to a part of myself I had, honestly, previously been ignoring. That is the fact that I’m most probably autistic.

When it comes to liking something, anything really, I’ve always been the type to dedicate a lot of myself to it. I think if you had met me that’s something rather obvious. My new-found hobby is just another one of these things. But I think being aware of it has solidified this idea that there is a high likelihood I could be autistic. These interests of mine, the ones that I’ve let consume me for multiple years, being special ones.

I’ve honestly always been rather reluctant to label myself in such a way in previous years. Autism isn’t a label I can just throw on myself just because I relate to a couple of short-form videos. But I’ve had the privilege of being afforded a private therapist for a couple of sessions (I fear that’s all we could afford) and all the things my peers have said to, me about my possible neurodivergence was only repeated by the person taking care of my emotions in those sessions.

It’s a relief, honestly. Though I’ve discussed the possibility of being neurodivergent I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to fully identify with the label in fear of being wrong. But know it just feels like I’ve unlocked another piece of myself. I’m now another step closer to being the person I dream of being.

[noka-noir]

A Little Bit of Everything

I've been rather avoidant recently. Instead of putting a bucket under the running faucet, I've closed the tap. But it seems I've been forced to address it all today.

There are a lot of emotions inside of me currently.

I think I've let myself become burdened with people's expectations of me. Even those never spoken, only implied. I was a high achiever in a high achieving school with high achieving friends, so I've always felt it was expected of me to continue that into university.

I feel like I've let everyone down.

I had a meeting with the student services of my place of study. I've been meeting with them since my first year now. Today we talked about how it's looking like I'm going to repeat another year. Since we broke for the summer, I've done everything in my power (albeit unconsciously so) to addressing everything that comes with the nature of my repeat. I've allowed myself to become completely consumed by fictional worlds. So addressing everything in an hour long online meeting is a lot.

I'm trying not to cry.

There's a lot I'm still keeping inside. I've never been good at processing, whether that's by myself or with the help of another. There's so much in my heart I haven't shared in full. Maybe I'll do that next. I think that's something I need to do, really. Sit down, gather my thoughts and write it down.

I don't know. It's a lot

[noka-noir]

Oh! To be in love!

Twenty-one is not old, not at all.

There are plenty years of my life ahead of me (if God and luck serves me well). My soulmate could be around the corner.

But as a hopeless romantic that tends to be consumed by fictional romances; a hopeless romantic that is in awe of the multitude of friends around me that seem to have found their person; I can't help but wish to have a romantic partner in my corner.

Admittedly, I'm yet to experience a true adult relationship. All of my prior dating experience comes from the thrilling era of years 9 to 13 in high-school. But, oh, would having a partner be wonderful.

Where I've found myself studying my undergrad, it's hard to feel beautiful, or even somewhat desirable. Black, queer and in a larger body in a predominantly white sporting uni can do absolute wonders to one's self-esteem. So I've found myself fearing that maybe there isn't someone in the world for me.

I don't think growing old alone (romantically, I'm not going to downplay my love for my family and friends around me) is a bad thing at all. I've always been someone who tends to prefer their own company. But as I've mentioned, I'm probably the world's biggest hopeless romantic. Love is one of my favourite things. I can't help dreaming about moments I can experience it for myself.

Let's hope I find my special someone soon.

[noka-noir]

Where Am I?

When I was in high-school, I truly thought that most of my growth would happen in those years. Looking back on it now, that was truly naive of me to think. The older I get, the more I realise there's so much more of me I'm yet to discover. Instead of clearing a path forward, I feel like I'm only getting further lost in the woods.

As is probably obvious from the nature of what I can only call diary entries on this blog, I'm not exactly the most mentally well. Up until the end of my first semester of university, I truly thought I was past the trials and tribulations of my teenage years. I've always struggled with specifically depression and anxiety, but the start of a new chapter of my life gave me hope that things would get better.

Clearly they did not.

As I look back on my teenage years, I can't help but feel a little bit embarrassed for myself. Of course, everything I felt at the time was true and valid. But comparing the worries I took to heart then, and the worries I have now, they feel miles apart.

Despite all of this, I feel somewhat proud of the fact that I'm still here. I feel like I have a much better understanding of myself. Does it feel like I'm being left behind by peers that are going on to bigger and better things? Of course. But I think now, I have a better idea of where I want to be and where I want to go than I ever did before.

The hopeful tone of the end of this entry is kinda misleading, I suppose. I still feel very lost, in some sense of the word. But instead of being blindfolded in a dense, foggy forest, I've been relieved of that blindfold and granted a small torch.