nolongerhuman77

i talk a lot and have thoughts to share

[nolongerhuman-77]

Ah, what is this world but a realm of meaningless suffering?

Osamu Dazai, “Blue Bamboo” from Blue Bamboo and Other Stories

[nolongerhuman-77]

a nameless face

I'm a good actor. I'm really good at it. I'm good at not crying in front of people, I'm good at laughing, I'm good at making jokes, etc. I have so many things to be sad about, but I can't think of them. It's just summer. I'm not pitying myself, I'm just dark lately. I'm falling deeper into the pit that I didn't even know was that deep. I want to curl up into my bed and never leave it. I want to look back on my life when I die and have no regrets, but I already have too many. The happiness people are able to have in their life has been stripped away from me. I don't know whether it's from my surroundings or my brain. I hate not knowing. I hate being this way, so different. I want to be normal. I don't want to act all the time, but it's the only thing that I use to survive. If I stopped, then everyone would look at me like I'm a creature.

I feel alone, walking around with a bunch of scarecrows. I feel like an outsider, excluded from the joke that is life. No matter what someone does or say, any gesture or compliment, I'll still be the way I am without feeling any better. I've felt this way and I know I will forever. When my sister reads my posts she probably doesn't even recognize who is posting. That's how different I really am. If I walked around with my real thoughts exposed all the time then I'd be a drag. If not deeply concerned, people would hate me. I don't want help. It's useless. There's no point to wrap a leg in a bandage if the leg has been ripped off.

My name is merely a name. A symbol. Who am I if not nolongerhuman77? Who am I? My name doesn't describe me or give me a personality. A nameless person who came here as quick as I will leave. I don't matter. Most people don't really. That's the truth people don't want to accept. There are around 8.3 billion people here on this same Earth. There is always someone that will be chosen over me and you. And there's always a capability for a replacement.

I have so many thoughts that I am not able to spit out of my brain. I can't figure out how to put my way of thinking into words. I can't get it out so I have to walk around with the weight of a million men on my chest. I can't cry it out, I can't yell it out, I can't write it out, I can't do anything.

I am full of being empty.

-nolongerhuman77

[miss-morada]

The duality of yaoi

[buckieduckie2]

If you like strawberry ice cream you should try cocaine

[nolongerhuman-77]

the dead man and trustworthy people

     “Don’t let the words of a dead man affect your life,” were the words said to me by someone I know. They are right. But the words “of a dead man” keep replaying in my mind over and over. I hate that man, more than any other human being I have seen. The hatred I hold for him is incomprehensible. Not one person can break me like he did. He slowly broke me and my family down, day by day. The pathetic, cowardly, and idiotic man destroyed my mental stability, my trust in humans, my way of love. I cannot trust a single person. Not one. Anyone can have the “greatest,” most trustworthy, kind, caring, and compassionate personality but I will not give them an inkling of my trust. They do not deserve it. No one does. Even if someone is the “best” out of them all, they could do the worst thing imaginable at any moment. They could be an awful monster despite these holy traits.

-nolongerhuman77

[nolongerhuman-77]

There are some people whose dread of human beings is so morbid that they reach a point where they yearn to see with their own eyes monsters of ever more horrible shapes… Painters who have had this mentality, after repeated wounds and intimidations at the hands of the apparitions called human beings, have often come to believe in phantasms—they plainly saw monsters in broad daylight, in the midst of nature. And they did not fob people off with clowning; they did their best to depict these monsters just as they had appeared.

Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human

[nolongerhuman-77]

i searched up asking what happens in fratt houses and this bitch's talking about some "fostering brotherhood" shit

NO?

[nolongerhuman-77]

I was walking on watching my own short shadow. I walked quite a long time. Suddenly something strange happened. I asked myself. Who was I? My name was a mere symbol. Who on earth was I? You, walking wearily reflecting your thin shadow…You nameless man, who came to this earth like water and would soon leave here like wind.

Atsushi Nakajima, Light, Wind, and Dreams

[bsd-bibliophile]

I wish I could just cut my belly open and let all of the words come spilling out. No matter if it's gibberish, as long as it's my flesh and blood doing the talking.

Dazai Osamu, The Beggar Student

[nolongerhuman-77]

appeal

   I am a very indecisive person. I don’t know what I want because I don’t deserve it and I know it won’t make me happy whatever it is. What is the point in chasing after something if it’ll result in being useless? Everything I get worth having is always lost in the end. That’s just the way it is. Everything we acquire; youth, wealth, loved ones, and even life itself, is inherently temporary. Nothing lasts, so there’s no point in having any of it. But it could also be the opposite. It should give life utter importance and beauty, right? I just don’t see it that way. I never have. The only beauty in life that I see is the moments alone where something is felt: like after a loved one’s death or the loss of a loved one. This bittersweet beauty of death, of loss. To experience loss means you had something, and there is always something you are able to lose. If you have absolutely nothing, you still have your life.

     In the moments when someone asks me which option I would pick, I always choose the one I’m sure the person would like. To see their face light up in agreement floods me with relief that they aren’t disapproving of my decision. Online I don’t have to play off the lie though, which is even more relieving than any approval or acceptance I can get from a person. On here, I don’t have to pretend. I can be who I really am, but I’m not mostly myself. Inside I am really just gloomy, ugly, ignorant, negative, impulsive, quiet, empty, and just a drag to be around. So I have hid that part of me in the depths of my soul where no one will see it first-hand.

     I know that barely anyone reads my paragraphs, but I don’t care. It matters not to me if anyone actually sees it, but that I get it out. I do many things throughout the day just so I don’t make bad decisions. I’m very impulsive, so I need to be in a space or state where I cannot make the decision I want to make. Like sleeping or being in a public place. I understand that being indecisive and impulsive are different things, but it depends on the situation. If someone asks me my opinion, I am going to either say “I don’t know” or give them the answer they like. If I am in a situation where I want to make a quick decision–for example: hitting myself or destroying a drawing I made–then I’m most likely to make it the moment I think of it. To appeal and to not appeal are interesting topics that can change your life. I’m not going to get into them today though.

-nolongerhuman77

[nolongerhuman-77]

the heart

     The mysterious thing called “the heart.” The heart holds many ordeals; love, patience, passion, kindness, etc. At least to me, these are all useless and/or harmful traits. It’s hard to deal with love and kindness. I personally cannot even take one person’s kindness for I feel undoubtedly undeserving of that kind gesture or that kind gift. I feel so guilty in taking one’s time, items, or passion. I do not deserve it, so why are you even offering? I won’t give you anything in return. I don’t understand that concept. The concept of giving to people when you get nothing in return. It’s useless. Why is it so hard to understand human beings? I barely understand anything about them and it drives me mad. 

     On the other side of the spectrum, the heart can also contain hatred, jealousy, selfishness, disrespect, and dishonesty. That side of the heart is the only one I can see when I speak to people. I know their intentions, and none of them are good. But, there are few exceptions. When I see these exceptions, I feel like they are angels. I feel undeserving. I push them away because they are too good for me. These exceptions are truly gracious, kind, and loving people. I frequently forget that people like this actually exist. I just think that everyone has a bad side, and I am correct. Everyone does have a bad side. But the truly kind people barely use their bad side, so I feel like they are angels. They are beautiful human beings, but they should not exist. Nothing good should exist on this rotten scum of a planet. Meeting and befriending an angel is bittersweet, and I push them away. I am not good enough for them. I don’t deserve their sweetness. No one here does besides other angels and truly kind people.

     Ignorance. People say that ignorance is the key to bliss. But I hate not knowing why something is the way it is, so it kills me to be ignorant. I hate to not know, and feel far from bliss. Some things are better unknown though. What is after death? I believe not in heaven but in hell, for I have always been terrified of God’s punishment rather than believe in his love. Is he even real though? When will I find out? Will I even know if it is when I do find out? I hate not knowing. I want to know. A deep fear stirs in me when there is something I truly do not understand. What if there is an incident when I don’t know something and a person uses it against me? What will I do then? I don’t know. It drives me up the wall.

     Dishonesty. Being a liar. The concept of being a liar is interesting to me. We all are liars, whether we know it or not. We all tell untruths to those we love and those we don’t love. Some tell lies and some tell untruths. There is a difference. A lie is a deliberately false statement while an untruth is without holding malicious intent. Either way, we all are false and fake. We all lie, we all tell untruths. We are liars. A girl tells her friend that her outfit is nice today when it clearly is not. That is a lie. A boy tells his friend that he loves his new haircut when he doesn’t. That too is a lie. According to society, dishonesty without inflicting wounds is considered “good,” but dishonesty that hurts someone is considered “bad.” I don’t understand society. Is society one person or multiple? Why does society decide if something is okay? Who or what is society? There’s the ignorance I hate. Why don’t I understand? I don’t get these traits. I don’t get who decides whether something is good or bad, or why they decide it. Save me from this ignorance and state of unknowing.

i got a slushie today

-nolongerhuman77

[nolongerhuman-77]

Last year nothing happened The year before nothing happened And the year before that nothing happened. …Of course all kinds of things actually did take place, but when I try to recall them now, I experience that same feeling that nothing happened.

Osamu Dazai, The Setting Sun

[nolongerhuman-77]

It is not that humans have changed. Humans have been like this all along, and what has changed is only the outer layer of things.

Ango Sakaguchi, Discourse on Decadence

[nolongerhuman-77]

In our lives we know joy, anger, sorrow, and a hundred other emotions, but these emotions all together occupy a bare one percent of our time. The remaining ninety-nine per cent is just living in waiting.

Osamu Dazai, The Setting Sun

[nolongerhuman-77]

boiling

One more drop. I'm about to crack again. I can feel myself boiling over. I won't let myself relapse. I've gotten this far. I've had my points but I'm not letting myself relapse again. My music isn't loud enough. It can't drown out my thoughts anymore, my memories. I can turn it up to the highest volume but it's still not enough.

I've been disassociating a lot more lately. I almost forgot I even went to the doctor today. I feel like I'm working automatically. Everything passes. Almost. No matter what happens, good or bad, that feeling of being deprived of emotion stays. Whether I show it or not. I'm broken, and I'm too late to be fixed. No super glue or tape, therapy, song, person, words, or actions can. I've spent too long drowning in it and now I'm enveloped. It's suffocating, but also not at the same time. It feels like there's something heavy sitting on my chest, but it also feels like there's nothing there at all. All of my self-loathing, self-pity, rage, etc, has all melted into dullness. Nothing entertains me. Not music, social media, being social in general, drawing, anything I used to use to escape. They don't work anymore.

Honestly, the last time I actually drew was a while ago. I'm not talking about my people, chibis, or doodles. I actually drew out what I felt I should. It wasn't to appeal, nor was it actually appealing at all. I don't even remember what it really was - not human, that's for sure. It was horrifying. Horrifying what my internal being could be pictured into, and it still didn't capture it right. I don't know what I am. I know I'm physically human, but I don't feel like I belong. I feel like I'm the only one that stands out.

If my family knew about my self-image, or lack thereof, I don't know what would happen. They'd probably think it would all be a joke anyway. Hopefully. Hopefully they think everything is a joke.

I have so much more to write about my thoughts. I can't. I can't explain them or really myself at all. Every time someone asks me what I want, I always want to say "Nothing" instinctively. I know that nothing will satisfy me, but I need to pick what people want to be appealing to them. I'll blend in while not blending in, staying the perfect neutral until I die. If I make them laugh, then they probably won't mind if I mold into the background of their lives. I'm going to sleep so I don't make any bad decisions.

-nolongerhuman77

at 1:00 in the morning again

[nolongerhuman-77]

I craved desperately some great savage joy, no matter how immense the suffering that might ensue…

Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human

(chat can you tell I like no longer human)

[nolongerhuman-77]

I have always shook with fright before human beings. Unable as I was to feel the least particle of confidence in my ability to speak and act like a human being, I kept my solitary agonies locked in my breast. I kept my melancholy and my agitation hidden, careful lest any trace should be left exposed. I feigned an innocent optimism; I gradually perfected myself in the role of the farcical eccentric.

Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human

[nolongerhuman-77]

genuinely what the FUCK is going on. my hip hurts genuinely so bad. like EVERY FUCKING STEP I TAKE FEELS LIKE SOMEONE IS HITTING MY HIP WITH A HAMMER. AAAYUUUUGHHH I'm gonna kms

-nolongerhuman77 (on my last breath fr)