Do I look like someone’s dad?
“How the hell did this happen?” “Well... we started kissing and then-“
“Bro now isn’t really the time to joke around. I just don’t get it. I wore a damn condom.”
“Did you though? Cause I remember that one time we were really drunk and I don’t think you did.”
“Well aren’t you on the pill?”
“Hey, if you’re allowed to get drunk and forget a condom the I’m allowed to get drunk and miss a pill Zion.”
“Fuck. This is the worst things that’s ever happened to me.”
“Wow. I’ll make sure to put that in the kids baby book under “Daddy’s reaction when I told him.”
You stood up and started gathering your stuff. You tried so hard not to cry, you weren’t really wanting this either. But what’s done was done. You didn’t want him to see you cry, but your sniffle gave you away.
“Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that ok. I’m just, i don’t know what to think. I’m definitely not ready to have a kid. I’m sure you’re not either.”
“No, I’m not. You’re right. But calling your baby the worst thing that’s ever happened to you is the most horrible reaction possible.”
“I’m sorry. I really am.”
“Look, you don’t have to do this with me. Seriously. I get it, you’ve got this career that’s taking off and you live with your friends and party all the time. This wasn’t supposed to be your life.”
“Look at me. Honestly, do I look like someone’s dad? Do you honestly think I could raise a kid?”
“Zion I think that you could do anything your heart was in. Cause I think your amazing, but you didn’t want this. So no, I don’t think you can. So I’m gonna just disappear, I won’t contact you or ask you for anything. I’ll take care of it. I’m the one choosing to keep it.”
“I don’t know. Seems so fucked up, I’m not a shitty person.”
“It doesn’t make you a shitty person. It would be worse to stick around and be a shitty absent dad that barely tried. At least this way when he or she does get a dad it’ll be someone who wanted them.”
Your words knocked the wind out of him.
“Damn. You really don’t think I can do it huh?
“Z. I just think it’ll be easier if-”
“Will you at least like let me know if you’re okay or if you need something. Or tell me if it’s healthy and when it’s born?”
“Yeah, of course.” __________________________
It had been 5 months since you’d walked out of his house. Five months of him knowing you were out there carrying his baby. The two of you weren’t really a thing, but he’d always cared about you. He knew you didn’t have much family and that worried him. That and what his family would say when they found out. He knew deep down it would come out eventually, surely the kid would come looking for him one day.
He couldn’t handle the secret so he drank and smoked to much, slept when he couldn’t do that. Party after party, girl after girl. But every night, month after month his mind traveled back to his girl and his baby.
“So did you talk to him? See what’s up with him?”
“He’s just so different. It’s been like what 4 months?”
“Nah like 5, cause it was before thanksgiving.”
“This is more then a casual break up funk, he’s never given a shit like this. I saw him like looking up how to invest in college funds, someone needs to talk to him.”
“College funds? What the hell would he be looking at that for?”
“ What are you guys talking about?”
“Oh hey Z, ugh we’re just thinking about grabbing some shit for tonight. You wanna ride bro?”
“Sure.” ______________________________
He was trying, trying to be normal. Trying to enjoy his life, but he couldn’t. His friends were clearly worried, but they knew not to press him for answers.
“Oh you know what we need? That fabric softener shit your mom used when she came the last time.”
They walked directly to the detergents not knowing that you would be standing there looking at the different baby brands. As they turned down the aisle they saw you gazing over them all. Hand on your belly, not aware the three boys stood there. Zion was the first to walk away, the other two quickly following. He’d walked about four aisles down before turning around and heading back.
“Bro, we can just go, we’ll get it next time.” Brandon wanted nothing more then to just get him out of the store quickly.
“Zion, I’m sure seeing your super pregnant ex isnt exactly the best feeling. I mean she obviously moved on hella fast, clearly.”
“Don’t talk about her like that.”
“Z, man she’s not worth it if she’s just out here letting anybody just-“
“But, you... Z. Man why haven’t you said anything to us or been helping her out? Going to appointments or buying shit?”
“Cause she didn’t want me to. She said I wasn’t dad material ok? Said she’d rather the kid be fatherless then have me as a dad.”
No one said anything after that.
They arrived back at the soap aisle, but you were gone. He tried to recall what he’d just seen moments ago. You looked beautiful, radiant and you seemed happy. You hadn’t seen him, part of him hoped you wouldn’t at all. He didn’t want to change your mood and figured seeing him would. Brandon quickly grabbed the softener, threw it in the cart and the three boys headed to check out without a word.
Zion quickly spotted you in line, you were two registers over, just to his left. A huge part of him wanted to go up and say something to you, but he was scared, and ashamed. A rowdy group of kids ran between the aisle causing a commotion and caused you to turn around.
You made eye contact with the beautiful brown eyes that you prayed day and night your baby would get, your hand instinctively rubbed your belly. Zion looked down, excused himself and walked out the side door and out of your view in seconds.
You quickly paid for your stuff and wobbled outside as fast as you could. As you rounded the corner you saw Zion. You didn’t know what to say to him, but you knew you should probably say something. You nearly tripped over his long legs. He was sat on the side of the building, head down with his arms laying across his knees.
“You told me you’d let me know what it was and how you guys were doing and you didn’t. You changed your number and then just disappeared. I even went to your apartment looking for you.”
“ Z, I told you I was gonna disappear.”
His head lifted causing his eyes to meet yours.
“Yeah. I was thinking I really like the name Maya.”
“Maya’s pretty. Fuck she’s gonna be so pretty.”
“I know, I’ve always told you how pretty you were.”
You both laughed a little.
“She’s perfect. Strong heart, growing fast. She kicks a lot at night. She’s gonna be a night owl like you. She kicks so much when I play your music.”
“You play her our songs?”
“Yeah. I mean, I talk to her about you. I tell her stuff about you. She needs to know so that way she’ll know what she got from you.”
“Listen, I don’t wanna complicate your life. But I don’t think I can do this. I don’t want her to think I didn’t want her.”
“I would never tell her that. I was gonna just tell her you’re responsible to a lot of people. It’s your job to make people happy and so that’s why you can’t be around.”
“She does, but Zion you’re not thinking about this. You basically live in a frat house or on a tour bus. That’s no way for a baby to grow up.”
“Yeah, but I can do better for her, for you.”
“Can I come with you to an appointment? Just one please.”
You stood silent for a second. It was one appointment. You could clearly tell he was feeling guilty, you knew Zion had a huge heart and most likely this was eating away at him.
“Okay, Yeah. It’s only fair. I have a sonogram tomorrow actually at 9. Can you be there?”
He slowly nodded his head.
“Okay, I’ll text you the address.”
You smiled softly and walked back to your car. The next morning you arrived early to the medical plaza. You wore a white sundress, just to make it easier and styled your hair the way Zion always said he liked it. You felt stupid, he didn’t really care about that, but you couldn’t help yourself. When you walked up he was already there pacing back and forth. You could tell he was nervous.
“Fuck. You look so pretty.”
“I didn’t sleep, I was so worried I’d over sleep or something would happen. I’ve been here like an hour.”
“Bub, you didn’t have to do that.”
The pet name slipping from your lips before you realized it. He put his head down, you couldnt really tell, but he almost looked sad. You took a few steps forward and placed your hand on his check. His hand reaching up to touch yours he raised his head looking at you.
“Let’s go see our girl, yeah?”
He shook his head yes and let go of your hand. Even though your relationship wasn’t a serious one he always loved the way you made him feel. You always calmed him, made him feel secure. Almost like being wrapped in a warm blanket. He sat in the waiting room next to you while you filled out papers, and walked quietly down the hall the the exam room.
He helped you up on the giant bed and took a seat next to you.
When the tech came in she smiled politely and introduced herself.
“Have you seen the baby yet or heard the heart beat dad?”
“Well we’ll get you some extra pictures and videos then ok?”
“Yeah, that’ll be great right Zi?”
He just shook his head. Completely overwhelmed with what he was feeling. He was scared and excited and nervous. He honestly felt sick. The tech lifted your dress revealing your belly and his heart dropped. He saw your little stretch marks and belly band you wore and realized he’d already missed so much. This was by far the worst decision he’d ever made. He was snapped out of his thoughts though when he heard his baby’s heart beat. It was strong and fast. He looked up at the screen and there she was. The whole reason for his existence. She was perfect even through the shitty 3-D graphics he could tell she was beautiful. He knew in that moment he was gonna be this baby’s father. Completely out of instinct you both reached for each other’s hands. He looked over at you, but you were already looking at him.
The tech handed you both a set of pictures and a dvd and ushered you out the door. When you got to your car you turned to face him. He still hadn’t said a word.
“Look, I’m really glad you came. It’ll be nice for her to know that you came and-“
“Can we go somewhere and talk?”
“Okay. Well I want to be her dad.”
“You are. It’s in the genetics.”
“No. I mean like shitty diapers and fighting off boyfriends kind of dad.”
“Z, your not thinking this through. Be honest you’re high as fuck right now aren’t you? You were probably up all night smoking and playing video games. You’re not ready to be a dad.”
“That’s not true. I can do this.”
“Ok, sure. How many diapers does a baby need the first week? How often do you feed a baby? What’s colic?”
“I love her. I wanna be her dad.”
“Zion, there’s more to being a dad then loving your baby. Of course you love her, you’re not a bad person. But you don’t have to feel bad for not being ready.”
“I’ll quit smoking. And I’ll read all the books. Just please let me try.”
“You’re serious about this?”
“Ok, well I have a room that needs to be painted and a crib that needs to be put together.”
“Of course.” “Ok, give me the address and I’ll be there.”
__________________________
5pm on the dot you heard a knock. You opened it and saw Zion and Edwin standing at your door.
“Yooo, I really thought you was joking bro. Damn you really are gonna be a dad.”
“Oh my god, bro I told you like ten fucking times.”
“You guys come in.” You moved to the side to let them. You showed them around and then showed Zion the room that was supposed to be a nursery.
“So that walls gonna be the yellow one?”
“Alright, well I’ll get started. You go relax or something. I got this mamas.”
Edwin gave you a closed mouth smile. You’d be lying if you didn’t miss the boys, all of them especially Zion. Spaghetti Sunday’s and the random movies you’d watch late at night. He was always sweet, surprisingly nurturing. Maybe he could do it.
You waited a bit and snuck in to take a few pictures. You weren’t sure if Zion was going to really stick around. You wanted your baby to see that he helped. That he was there, that he tried. You couldn’t relax in the slightest so you decided to make the boys some dinner.
You were in the kitchen cutting up some peppers when Edwin walked in.
“Mind if I grab some water?”
“No of course not, cups are In that cabinet.”
“You know for what it’s worth, I think Zion really cares about you. I think he’s serious about being in The babies life too.”
“How can you be so sure? He can’t just come and go Eddie. This is a person, someone who’s gonna depend on him to be his best all the time.”
“Just let him try. You’ve got a few months right?”
“So, let him try over the next few months. Let him show you he can do it.”
That night you watched proudly and with a heart full of laughter as Zion tried his best to put together Maya’s crib. He ended up calling Nick over cause Edwin got distracted by you and all the baby clothes.
“We getting rid of all that pink shit. My baby gonna be fly as fuck. She needs puma kicks and some chains and we damn sure are gonna get her some little hoodies.”
“Zion, she’s not a boy. She’s gonna be a pretty little delicate girl.”
“She’s gonna learn to play fortnite, gonna be daddy’s little gamer.”
“Okay daddy, whatever you say.”
He smiled at the name. You all ate and watched a movie. The boys headed out, but Zion stayed. When the movie was over he could tell you were tired. “I can go if you want, let you get some rest.”
“Um, I was actually thinking maybe you could stay. If you want. I’m alone a lot, it’s been really nice having you around and usually around midnight she gets really active and I figured maybe you’d wanna stay and feel?”
“Yeah I definitely wanna stay.”
Day after day Zion came over, he’d bring you dinner or sometimes even breakfast before you went to work. He helped you decorate her room and put together her hospital bag. He bought her the most expensive car seat/stroller combo he could find and more clothes then she could wear. She had toys for days and custom blankets and burp rags with her name. He made sure she had everything and anything he could find. He would come over every night when you got home and rub your belly, sing and talk to the baby. She would kick extra hard at the sound of his voice. “Not so hard little mama, you don’t wanna hurt mommy. We can’t wait to meet you baby girl.
The last full month of your pregnancy Zion refused to let you be alone. He slept on your couch every night catering to every need possible from long foot and back rubs, right down to your need for black olives at 2 am. “Zi!” “What! What’s wrong?” He’d come stumbling down the hallway tripping over his own feet. “Bubba can you get me some pickles please?” “Are you serious woman? All that for some pickles! I thought something was wrong baby! You can’t do that!”
You couldn’t help but fall in love with him. You knew he was trying hard, he didn’t want you to lose faith in him. Every now and again you swore that when he smiled or called you baby it’s cause he was falling in love too. But you knew better, he was doing it out of obligation.
Maya was born at 3:24 AM on a rainy Saturday in Los Angeles. The boys had been begging Zion to come to the party they were hosting at the house that night, but Zion refused.
“I can’t man, I have to be here. She needs me and I can’t be fuckin around with no one. I can’t be drunk if she calls. Yeah and? Babies come early sometimes.” You didn’t mean to listen in to his conversation, but you couldn’t help it. You waddled into the living room where he sat playing on his phone.
“Z. Go to the party. I’m not due for another two weeks. I’ll be fine, I can call you if I need anything.”
“Nosey ass! I ain’t leavin you to go be Nick’s wingman. I got my priority right here in front of me mamas. You girls are who I wanna spend my Friday night with. So pick a new show and I’ll go grab our food.”
“I thought you said you wanted pizza?”
“I changed my mind.” You shrugged your shoulders and tried your best to look super helpless.
“You’re lucky you’re cute. Driving my ass crazy.”
That night as you watched the office for the 7th time your water broke. Somehow Zion managed to keep calm enough to call the boys and his mom and get you to the hospital. You labored for about 4.5 hrs with him by your side every second, before your baby arrived.
She was perfect in every way, and couldn’t have looked more like Zion if she tried. You could see it in his eyes the moment he held her, that tiny 6lb baby owned him. Each boy came in one by one to greet the new baby, all while her daddy held on to her protectively.
“You’re really not gonna let us hold her?”
“Hell nah, all y’all asses been drinking. Ya ain’t dropping my baby. Come back tomorrow sober.”
The transition to home was a little rough. The baby had a nursery to sleep in, but neither you nor Zion wanted her that far away. The first night she was home Zion stood by your doorway saying goodnight when you asked if he wanted to stay with you and Maya.
“Of course.” After that night, it just became a routine for the three of you to crawl in bed together. Every night he stripped down and laid your baby on his chest. The one thing he seemed to remembered and talked about constantly was the skin to skin bonding. “She’s going to freeze Z.” “No she’s not. You get to breast feed, that’s how y’all bond. Skin on skin is important for dads. Hand me that blanket and I’ll throw it over her back if it makes you feel better.” “You’ve been amazing Zion. I want you to get the full experience too. I was thinking If you wanted to move in here with us you can.”
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you about it. I know we have a baby together, but this whole thing started off with us. You know I always liked you, but now it’s more serious and I was just thinking maybe you’d wanna try to maybe you know...”
“Are you asking me if I want to try and be in a relationship with you?”
“Yeah, I mean if you want to. Not just because of her either.”
By week 6 you were exhausted. You both were. Honestly you were surprised Zion was still around. Maya had the worst case of colic. She cried morning noon and night, the only time she didn’t cry was when Brandon would come over and sing to her. You felt bad, you’d never given him an answer about your relationship, you’d barely had time to shower between pumping and changing diapers. He surely had changed his mind by now.
Zion had won the argument of who got to leave and he’d gone out for more diapers and you were incredibly jealous. You’d wondered what quite sounded like. When he walked back in he had a smile on his face and and a devious look in his eyes.
“I got you these.” He handed you roses and a black box that held a beautiful bracelet that had Maya’s birthstone all around it.
“Zion. You didn’t have to do this. Thank you.”
You hugged him tightly, pulling away and bringing your lips to his. You’d forgotten over the last 6 months how wonderful his lips felt. Aside from a quick kiss in the delivery room after Maya was born you hadn’t kissed in months.
“I know it’s been crazy as fuck baby, but I wanted to show you that I see you. You’re already such a good mom and seeing you with our baby just fuck I don’t know. I think it made me fall in love with you.”
“God I was so worried I was the only one. I swear to god every time I see you holding her I feel my ovaries explode. You’re a sexy ass daddy Z. And I think I’m in love with you too.”
He wrapped you up in his arms quickly kissing you again. You were quickly interrupted by Maya’s cries.
“I’ll get her. Can you put these in water?”
“Yeah, guess this is our life now huh?”
“For now at least.” _________________________________________
“Maya! Come back here! Ugh! Maya!”
“Whoa little mama. Where you running off too.”
“She’s avoiding pajamas and bedtime. She clearly thought If she could make it to you, you’d let her stay up.”
Maya peered up at her daddy with her big brown sad eyes. He scooped her up kissing her cheeks as she nuzzled her head against his chest.
“Baby, it is Friday night...”
“Zion. You do this every night regardless of the day. She has to get on a schedule. She’s gonna start daycare soon.” “Why she gotta to go to daycare. We do fine together during the day.”
“She needs to learn and interact.”
“She does that with me and the boys at the studio.”
“Zion, she needs to be around kids her age. And learning how to use the soundboard at the studio or skateboarding with Edwin and dancing with B and Nick aren’t really going to help her in school.”
“You can’t just separate us though, it’s what we’re used to. And we teach her other other stuff. What other two year old knows her ABC’s all the way through or can speak Spanish.”
“She knows like four words in Spanish, which may I remind you are all cuss words. Baby, it’s gonna bother you more than her I promise.
After you’d convinced both of your giant babies it was bed time he helped her into her jammies and laid in her tiny toddler bed. Every night he crawled in with her. They laid forehead to forehead, she held his face in her tiny hands as he sung her to sleep. Zion was an amazing dad, his work schedule was more flexible then yours and so when you went back to work he kept Maya. They did everything together the last two years. You were 100% sure she preferred him over you and you honestly didn’t mind. She was basically his twin right down to the eyebrows.
Her face always gave away her mood, she was sassy as hell, ridiculously good at video games for a two year old and had legs for days. She was a smaller version of Zion. You were in bed lotioning your legs when he came in the room to get ready for bed.
“Little mama is out. I still think she’s too small to sleep in that room alone.”
“Baby, she’s been doing it for a year. She’s fine. We need our time too. I need some Daddy time occasionally.”
“Nah, no daddy time for you. Your trying to take my baby and send her off with strangers.”
“Caleb, don’t be ridiculous. She needs to learn baby, she needs social skills and she needs some independence. That girl has you more whipped then I ever did.”
“That’s my mother fuckin baby. She can have whatever she wants. But, I know you’re right. Should probably give me another baby so i got someone to chill with when she goes off to school.”
“You’re out of your mind. Last thing I need is 3 of you in this house. Don’t forget your mom is flying in tomorrow. She booked a room at that cool ass kids resort and is taking Maya tomorrow night.”
“I thought we were all going.”
“No, she said she wanted Maya to herself, cause last time we went home you hogged her. And she ain’t wrong.”
“Y’all are fuckin mean. I’ve never been away from her. That’s why I made you come on tour last time.”
“Z, I know you love her and I know in your mind she puts the sun in the sky. But I honestly need you to myself for one night baby. Can you give me one night?”
“Fine. Imma go kiss her goodnight again.”
The next afternoon right on schedule Maya was picked up and you and Zion were finally home alone.
“Did you see that little traitor. She sold me out bro, they handed her a new toy and she was out. She didn’t even waive goodbye!”
You walked passed him laughing as he settled on the couch a pout on his face. You quickly stripped down and changed into the red sheer bra and panty set that came with the matching thigh highs and garter belt.
You could hear Zion complaining, cursing you for being right and blaming you for sending away his cuddle bug. You came around the corner in his favorite pair of heels.
He looked up ready to say some sassy comment about you being def but it never made it out of his mouth.
“Oh my god. Baby. Where did you- when did you buy that?”
“Why am I just seeing it now?”
“Because you always have mini in bed with us.”
At this point he was off the couch standing in front of you. His hands ghosting over various parts of your body.
“Guess I’ve been neglecting you mama. Daddy’s really sorry. I’m gonna make it up to you.”
He captured your lips with his and he walked you back to your bedroom. His hands rested on the swell of your ass as he gently massaged it. He kissed down your neck and chest. He gently pushed you down on to the bed and removed both your heels and Unclipped the stockings from the garter belt.
“Looks so pretty baby, but I wanna feel your skin.”
He kissed down your thighs and legs as he removed each one. He slipped out of his clothes quickly and flipped your over as he grabbed your waist pulling it up so you were on your knees with your ass in the air. He slowly pulled at the garter belt and then underwear as kissed various places on your body. He brought his hand down against you ass causing you to moan loudly before his mouth connected with where you were needing him the most.
“Fuck Zi, please, please don’t stop.” But to your dismay he pulled away. “Please Don’t torture me.”
He unclassped your bra and flipped you back on your back. He pulled the fabric away from your chest and brought his mouth down around one of the buds.
His hand dipped down between your bodies. You moaned at his touch.
“Baby, you’re fuckin soaked.”
“What did you expect? You always make me wait.”
“I’m sorry baby, come here.”
He sat back against your headboard lifting you into his lap. You sunk down and your head fell back at the feeling.
“Oh my God Z. I need, fuck I needed this. Needed you.”
His hands softly rubbed over your back and legs as he kissed all over your shoulders and chest. He sucked marks into your neck and kissed your lips begging you to keep going. Telling you how good you felt.
“Look at you baby, such a good girl for me. Fuck baby, you ride me like a pro. Fuck can’t believe I neglected you so bad.”
Your hands resting against his chest as you bounced up and down. You were losing your stamina the closer you got.
“God Caleb I’m so close, so- fuck.”
“Keep going baby, I am too. God I love you baby.”
You leaned forward connecting your foreheads, your mouth went slack and you moaned loudly as you came around him. He could feel you and pulled you to his chest as he came seconds later. He held you close as you caught your breath. You lifted your shakey legs and laid next to him, but he pulled you in closer.
“I am sorry if I don’t give you enough attention baby.”
“Z, your fine. You’re a good boyfriend. I love how close you and Maya are. She’s your first priority and that’s how it should be. Believe me three years ago, I didn’t think this was going to be my life.”
“I know I fuck around a lot, but I think I really do want another baby.”
“Yeah. I missed almost everything with your pregnancy with Maya and I wanna experience that shit with you baby. She changed my life, you both did. I love my girls, but I’d love a son too. Carry on the name and shit.”
“Zion, you’ve been here baby. You’ve more then made you for those few months. You were here when it mattered and you’ve been amazing. You don’t have to redeem yourself.”
“It’s not just that, I swear.”
“Ok, let’s have another one then.”
A giant shout out to @greedykuwonu for helping me with my writers block and ideas to make this better. And also to @heavenlypm for the mood board. You saved me 🖤
