So what if i gave up?

Giving up isn't shamefull at all. Making someone give up is the real deal.. She used to call me "nono". :')

[nonodied-blog]

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Yeah.... She used to call me ‘Nono’....

[nonodied-blog]

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How many times have you heard “you’re important!”? Yeah. Thousands of times right? And where are these people now? Where were they all along?. When they needed you, they always showed up, but when you needed them.. never.

[nonodied-blog]

~

It’s funny how i still feel that scent. Funny, because it used to give joy to my face, and now it tears me apart. Why do i still remember it then, if it only brings pain?.

[nonodied-blog]

Why don't you fix me?~

I love music. Music is a funny thing. It was mainly serving as a type of entertainment. And it kept this way of itself, a type of entertainment. However, entertainment requires entertainers. That's how my favourite rock bands, or my favourite rappers started eorking their way up to the top, or if not even reaching the top, writing songs with such amazing lyricses built up from their experiences in the past, and written with the ink of their tears. That's why i enjoy music this much. It's not how bands sound. I don't like bands or entertainers with lyricses written without any sense sewn into them. Just listen to Eminem.. Or, Icon for Hire. The Script, BFMV And actually dosens and dosens of amazing entertainers trying to educate us with the messages hidden in the lyrics they're writing so carefully, to try and lead us to realize the mistakes we have made or might gonna make in the future. I often find myself in tears, even if i listened to a certain song hundreds of times already. I happen to attach specific memories to specific songs with their lyrics, and attach different feelings with thise memories. Each and every part of the lyrics makes me feel something different. Sometimes it's nostalgy, sometimes it's simple pain. Sometimes i feel the burning need to change my way of living, to move on and to forget the pain. But... Something is wrong with me.. It just locks me down. Why won't someone fix me already...

[nonodied-blog]

I want my comfort in loneliness back~

I wouldn't care if i'd end up being alone for the rest of my life. I used to be comfortable with my own little lonely world. Til you came and showed me how does it feel to have someone by your side. Since then i can’t find my place in my old lonely world. It’s pushing me away. It won’t let me sit down in front of anime i started watching when i first felt comfortable in my world. When i first started to admire loneliness. I felt like i don’t need anyone, not now, not in the future, cause they would never care about me anyway. They would pity me, they would try to make it look like i’m someone in their eyes…. But that’s just an imagination. And for that..I really wouldn't care ending up being alone. But make it stop.. Let me get back to my comfortable lonely world. Be here with me, or take away your memories aswell. Stop getting into my mind, everything reminds me of you.Take away these reminders.. LET ME SLEEP. Probably… From now on.. The only hope for me is someone saving me from this never ending nightmare. But that won’t happen. Cause i’m stuck in my world. In my cold, lonely world. The only thing different in it from the past is that in the present.. I feel like this is a disgusting world, full with pain and anxiousness. And this world is splitting my chest open and ripping my heart, covering it with the hells most boiling lava. Tasukete.......

[nonodied-blog]

Can’t move on~

Sometimes I just want to disappear. Whenever i feel like i finally forgot everything about you, or at least forgot enough to be able to move on.. something stands in my way and i have to start the whole bloody process again. I start to feel the piercing pain again in my heart covered with boiling heartbeats. Memories bust out from nowhere following the call of my tears. It’s simply unbearable. When it comes to it I’m jsut shocked. I can’t think, can’t even handle things necessary for human survival. And the worst is.. The thought that i’m sure i’ll never forget.. about how u refused to atleast give me a proper ending mixed with the memory of how you treated me before you said those words, and how you broke my spirit despite the fact u knew the things you do will only lead to breaking me.

“The most caring boyfriend I’ve got so far”; deserved the most cold and painfull ending you gave so far. How is it then?! At least come here and finish what you’ve started, and help me drop dead.

[nonodied-blog]

Memories bear pain with them~

People change.. either they want to, or not. It's not time that makes u change tho, i'll never call growing up changing. U might become a bit more mature, u might get a new outfit, wider shoulders, u'll probably get a lot of experience, but your personality will only change necessarily. U change, because circumstances made u change. U often can't control the route u pass, while it makes u change. And msot likely, u change, because other people made u change. You're up to adapt to special persons in your life, to fake smiles, to fake tears. To make a mask that covers your own personality, and eventually, adapting becomes your life. You're making bonds with adapting to others, and they're adapting to u. But what happens when one decides to break that bond? Exactly... U changed, because u wanted to change, and it shocks you. You're not the same u were before u changed, and neither u can stand being the person u became. U're between the two, and this feeling is what U're trying to leave behind with everything u got, but u jsut can't. That's when you feel the anxiety left behind in your memories. Cause if we sum it up, we realize.. The things making us change... are our memories..and the pain left behind with them...

[nonodied-blog]

I’ll be happy seeing you suffer too.

I wish. I fucking wish to u to suffer as much as i do. I WANT U TO. I fucking wish to u to get cheated on. to get betrayed. to get ignored. I want u to feel how i feel right now and how i felt since u started to throw me away. I want u to bear the thought of how u destroyed me inside. I want u... to when u finally feel like u found someone, and u give them your trust & your heart, to just experience how he betrays every piece of your naive imaginaitons. How he gives no shit about you, how he starts blaming u for everything he did. How he suddenly starts acting colder towards u than he does with anyone else. I want u to keep living your life full with lies and excuses. Why would u do that to me after i gave u everything i had?! I want you to drown into your own thoughts jsut like i do all day being uncapable of getting out of them. I want you, to feel the concentration of that piercing pain in my heart i experience motnhs ago. but in that case u'd have died. Maybe i want that aswell. dying would be easy. and i cant bear this shit anymore. bearing how u enjoy your life full with joy. But no worries... u wont care. cause u're that type of person. That type of terrible person.. i happened to fall in love with. How is it feel? being popular at boys and cheating on the person u said u love. I ask it, cause i dont know. im not popular, unlike u even though u think the same way. Pretty lies.. creating pretty deceptions. How can someone throwing away someone else can look at herself in the mirror.. how can u live your life like nothing happened, when u didnt even fucking give me a proper ending. Die. shinu. just drop dead. thats the easiest way for u to feel what U've done to me. i cant stand living in this world anymore. i wish i've never met u, and i wish i'd be able to feel nothing, just like u. U proved me one thing..and only one. once u start holding someone close to u, they'll just get bored of u, and throw u away.

[nonodied-blog]

Why~

And even after quiet a while, i still manage to find some of your hairbreadths, these rare treasures u left here in my room, to bring back the memories when u were still...h..e..r..e  

[nonodied-blog]

Past hurts~

And by now...In order to avoid crying over spilled milk, you try harder than ever to act the same as ever. And even though it's getting harder to hold on.. Getting harder and harder to put on a smile, u have to remember.. It's gonna get even harder before it gets easier. U'll feel like crushing under it's weight. And when it happens.. either u'll break, or relieve. U gotta hope for the last one. However, I’m telling you, with me, it was the first one. Life ain't a fairy tale.

[nonodied-blog]

When I was a kid, I'd have never imagined that my life would become  so fucking epmty.

Anonymous

[nonodied-blog]

You’re still haunting me~

Never stop showing someone how much they mean to you.. Cause words are knives, and they often leave scars.. As words, silence can be a huge punishment too.. Who deserves your words or your silence, make sure to realize.. You blame me & I blame you, but You threw me away, which i can’t live trough.

[nonodied-blog]

I hate nice girls. If they so much as say hello, it stays on my mind. If they return texts, my heart races. The day one calls me, I know I'll look at my call history and grin. But that's just them being nice. People who are nice to me are also nice to everyone else. I almost end up forgetting that. If the truth is cruel , then lies must be kind. That's why kindness is a lie. I gave up on always expecting it, always mistaking it, and even hoping for it. Someone who's' grown up being alone doesn't fall for the same trick twice. I'm a veteran at this. I’m the best when it comes to losing. That's why I'll always hate nice girls.

Oregairu~

[nonodied-blog]

A different kind of pain~

It hurts when we’d do anything for a special person. When we’d go that far we even surprise ourselves, and all we get back are empty promises, fake speculations and cold, refusing acts to ensure us how worthless we are in the eyes of that person. And then.... There’s a more powerful feeling than this, that hurts even more, which feels like thousands of needles continiously piercing trough your heart causing such an intense pain, undescribable by words. I’m not sure how to call it tho.. I’d say the easiest way to imagine this feeling is to mix anxiousness and despair. That’s the feeling you get, when u still keep doing everything u can, u keep fighting for something u already know is lost. When u keep holding on, when you already know months ago, that it’s all for nothing. For example... When she says she won’t promise she won’t cheat on you ever again.

[nonodied-blog]

Ah screw it, feel like you want to hit that wall then do it Punch through it, just knock back, put your all into it Now you gon' take that rage and make that what you wage Never take back what you say If you stay strapped in your brain, engaged in a steel cage match Ready to scrap asap Take your fists and just ball it Show who's big and who's smallest you're Christopher Wallace

Eminem

[nonodied-blog]

There ain't no situation that you ever had to respond to that's adverse The messiest thing you've ever gone through was your purse

Eminem

[nonodied-blog]

I wish i could change~

The main problem with me is that I expect people to care as much about me as i care about them. I always end up finding myself in a situation where i realize the ammount of effort i wasted on people unwilling to pay half of it back in favor. They will stop caring eventually anyway. All of them does. And I’ve been through too much to be capable of tolerating that.