Nonsense & Shenanigans

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The "Never Just Right" Woman

The “Never Just Right” Woman

Recently a post about the “Too Much” Womanhas been making its rounds on social media. It’s gaining popularity because many women relate to it, and many others want to. We’re in the age of feminism and owning our femininity. We’re experiencing a time in which women are screaming in the streets instead of be stifled in the sheets. We will be seen and heard and respected. We’re demanding our right…

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#Before30BucketList: Get A Job

#Before30BucketList: Get A Job

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that and noting each goal accomplished and maybe adding or editing some items, if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

Once upon a time a girl had dropped out of school and needed to find a job. One day, while eating some tacos at her favorite taco joint, she had an epiphany —…

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#Before30BucketList: Make A Family Tradition

#Before30BucketList: Make A Family Tradition

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that and noting each goal accomplished and maybe adding or editing some items, if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

I didn’t mean to accomplish this one when I did.

I thought about it a lot. It seemed easy enough and important because Mike technically just became a part of our…

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#Before30BucketList: Write A Letter To Yourself Now (At 29) As If You're 39

#Before30BucketList: Write A Letter To Yourself Now (At 29) As If You’re 39

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that and noting each goal accomplished and maybe adding or editing some items, if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

This was one of those items I found on another Things To Do Before You’re 30list on the internet. I wasn’t really sure about it but it was a new one so I figured…

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#Before30BucketList: Get An Expensive Handbag Or Shoes

#Before30BucketList: Get An Expensive Handbag Or Shoes

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that original post and noting each goal accomplished if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

This one came way easier than anticipated.

Originally I just put this on the list because I had read it on another list and figured what the hell. It was a fairly easy item, but also one…

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#Before30BucketList: Read A Classic Novel About Women, By A Woman

#Before30BucketList: Read A Classic Novel About Women, By A Woman

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that original post and noting each goal accomplished if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

I got pretty excited about this one. I found it on another list about things for womento do before they turn 30, not just anyone in general. Although I have weird views on what a woman is…

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#Before30BucketList: Learn Astronomy

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that original post and noting each goal accomplished if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

I was worried about this one. I didn’t even think twice about adding it to my list when I saw it recommended on another, but I had no idea how I was going to go about it. I can’t afford…

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#Before30BucketList Preparation and Assistance

#Before30BucketList Preparation and Assistance

Okay so this is only part of a post. A preface, if you will.

Obviously you should know by now that I’ve been working on my #Before30BucketList. One of the things coming up on my calendar is to “Complete a 5k / Walk for Charity”. Another is to “Throw a Fundraiser”.

I’ve gone and gotten myself all signed up for The Color Run in Philly on June 25th. I have a few friends coming along (as long as they…

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#Before30BucketList: Learn To Dance

#Before30BucketList: Learn To Dance

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that and noting each goal accomplished and maybe adding or editing some items, if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

I may have cheated on this one a little bit. I should probably retitle it “Take A Dance Class” but I don’t feel like it and this is my list so I’m allowing…

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#Before30BucketList: Learn A DIY Craft

#Before30BucketList: Learn A DIY Craft

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that original post and noting each goal accomplished if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

Right around when I was first making my list, my mom invited me to go to her Mindfulness Class with her, which was held at her local library every Monday — for free. I didn’t put it on my…

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#Before30BucketList: Get Lost On Purpose In An Unfamiliar Place

#Before30BucketList: Get Lost On Purpose In An Unfamiliar Place

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that original post and noting each goal accomplished if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

This one goes along with my Travel Alone and Meet Favorite Author goals, as they were all accomplished in the same trip on the same day (yay me for such great coordination!).

If you…

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(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that original post and noting each goal accomplished if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

This one was a really, really big deal.

I’ve spent my whole life going to concerts and rallys and shows and plays and movies and museums and whatever else people get excited about. But I’ve also spent my whole life loving books more than anything. And, until now, had never been to a single book signing or met a prominent author. I had heard musicians explain and sing songs that touched my heart, and I had watched my feelings played out on stage, I had seen art that spoke to me up close, but I had never heard an author discuss or read the words that lived in my soul.

So when I saw one of my favorite authors announce her book tour this year, I jumped on it. Then I decided to look up who else might be reading/signing close to me, and I found him.

The man who is made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

(If you don’t know that quote we can’t be friends. Just kidding, keep reading, and maybe you’ll learn it.)

As a toddler, my favorite book was Goodnight Moon (Margaret Wise Brown). As I grew, obviously that changed. I don’t remember them all, but as an adolescent You Don’t Know Me (David Klass) really spoke to me. Of course all of the Harry Potter (J.K. Rowling) books were in there, and as a teen I fell in love with Ellen Hopkins (Crank, among others). Once I started to fully come into my right-of-passage reading, I, like so many others, became glued to Catcher In The Rye (J.D. Salinger). As I grew into adulthood I gravitated toward the outcast novels — those written about drugs and insanity and homosexuality, with snark and exaggerated opinions — people who experienced struggles like mine with a crude mindset. Candy (Luke Davies) remains an all-time favorite, but Running With Scissors (Augusten Burroughs) imprinted itself in my veins and became a part of me.

My personal copy. I had the original cover design but someone must have borrowed it and never given it back. I keep a log of who borrows what book now. Because I’m crazy.

(p.s. – If you’ve seen any of these movies but haven’t read the books, please don’t judge a book by its movie adaptation. Some of the best books I’ve read turned into some of the worst movies I’ve seen.)

Sometimes I feel silly, telling people my favorite book is his most popular, because mainstream isn’t cool or something. But then I tell myself to shut up and that I’m not cool anyway, so admitting to loving something that’s fucking amazing isn’t going to change my seat in the lunchroom.

I love everything Burroughs writes. Even if I don’t agree with it, I find myself accepting him wholly and begging for more. His memoirs put me in times and places I’d never otherwise be, but also bring a sense of home when his intense, blunt words intermingle with my delicate, rambunctious, off-kilter brain. His fiction is hilarious and riveting. Even in times (and they are rare) when I find myself not wanting to read certain stories or opinions, I later find that I needed to read them. I don’t really believe much in role models, because no one’s exactly like you, but he comes damn close because I relate so much to him, yet sometimes not at all.

Anyway, enough gushing. I stalked his Facebook and Googled my ass off and learned he would be in New Jersey on Tuesday, March 28th. So I put it on my calendar and my dad’s calendar and my husband’s calendar and my mom’s calendar and my sister-in-law’s calendar. I usually like to have a partner in crime (or two) when I have incredible experiences so my mom and sister-in-law were planning to come with me, and we had it all set. Except sometimes I suck, so while I knew there was a $17 charge for the NJ book signing (it also came with a paperback copy of his latest book, Lust & Wonder, which I wanted because I only have the hard copy), I somehow put it out of my mind until the weekend before. And of course, when I went to purchase the tickets they were sold out.

Me being me, however, I also knew pretty much every other date and venue on the book tour, and it turned out he would be in NYC that Monday, March 27th. Now you may think that New York is much farther away from me than a location in my home state, but I’m at the very bottom and NJ, PA, and NY are oddly set up so they were both actually the same distance. I was just worried that, since Burroughs had spent so much of his life in New York, and it was a free event, and it was freakin’ New York City, that it would be mobbed and I would miss out. I also found out that literally no one I knew was available to go with me.

So I got a babysitter and every book he’s ever written and my “I can’t live without books” book tote and my Jenny Lawson You Are Here coloring-but-not-really book and my gel pens and I set off for the big city, all by my lonesome.

I arrived four hours early. When I went to Jenny Lawson’s book signing I got there an hour early and all the seats were already taken so I had to sit on the floor (but in the front, so there, seat-takers) so naturally I assumed I wouldn’t be the first to arrive. The Barnes & Noble customer service representative looked at me like I was on fire and breathing spiders when I told her I was there for Augusten Burroughs. Also like she pitied me, which didn’t make me mad but rather humored because I wasn’t missing anything by waiting — I had my books (and a whole book store) to keep me company, while she would miss out on meeting a legend because she had to sit behind a desk. Who’s the winner, really?

This is my “I’m crazy and arrive 4 hours early” face.

While I was waiting I knocked out some aspects of my Traveling Alone bucket list item and felt very peaceful and content. It’s not such a bad thing having to wait for four hours exploring book stores and Manhattan and meeting new people and simply doing whatever I wanted. But I was a little neurotic and kept venturing back to Barnes & Noble to make sure some mad rush of fans didn’t show up and kick me out of my first-in-line spot.

They didn’t. I was the first one at the door, and the first one in the door, and the first one to pick my seat, which was obviously front and center. The rest of the crowd still thought I was crazy when they learned that I had arrived so early, but hey, when you’re passionate about something you fight for it. I fought time.

This is how front and center I was. There was maybe a foot between the front of my chair and the stage.

I was so giddy and so nervous and didn’t know what to do with my hands or my three bags or my phone or my breathing. I don’t know why I get nervous — I preach all day every day that politicians and police and celebrities and the like are all people — humans like you and me with flaws and fabulosities (I just made that word up), but when I get around authors I freeze and become a blubbering idiot.

We all got seated and excited and I kept looking around to see what other kinds of degenerates Burroughs attracted, and I was surprised to find a wide array of people — a businessman, a woman and her son who was actually named Augusten, teachers, young adults, older adults, gay men, straight men, the rebels and the righteous. We all came together over the love of writing or reading, specifically by one man who did not fit into all of our labels.

I was actually surprised to learn that Burroughs was more “stereotypically gay” than I had pictured him. I don’t know if that makes me a good person for assuming he was just a human, or a bad person for noticing “gay traits”, or maybe I was good turned bad or maybe I was just another person trying to scrub out the brainwashing done by growing up in American Millennium society. But I did learn a bit about myself, and him, and I felt like I got to know him much better which calmed me down a lot because usually I have a tendency to build people up into unattainable perfection in my head and am nearly always let down by the real thing.

He started out by reading a section from Lust & Wonder, and hearing how he narrated it in his head while writing was an experience I can’t even explain. We read things according to our own biases, and it’s often thrilling to learn how words on paper were meant to be read — with the proper exaggerations and pauses and snark.

This clip is long, but if you’re anything like me, you’ll be able to watch it a million times. Otherwise, skip around, watch as much or as little as you’d like.

Then the room was open to ask questions. I’ve learned, in the whole two book signings/readings I’ve been to, that I need to not ask the first question, but learn to read the author and prepare myself for their ending so I can shoot up my hand at exactly the right time — not too soon as to avoid being rude, but not too late as to avoid be overlooked. I think I’ve perfected this art. (This is something that should be taught. People teach everything nowadays, maybe I’ll make my own “When to raise your hand at exactly the right moment to be noticed without being pushy” class.)

So I asked my question, which I didn’t even know needed to be asked until it came out, and his response was perfect and detailed and meaningful.

(I have this horrible habit of constantly messing with my nose and I never noticed how gross it looks until now and I’m horrified that I did it not only in front of, but to one of my swoon-worthy celebrities.)

After the questions from all types of audience members, we lined up to get our books signed. (I told people how excited I was and they agreed but then I noted that this was better than meeting Brad Pitt and they just gave me weird looks and stopped talking to me.) I was the only one with all nine of his books so I was worried he wouldn’t want to sign them all, or there wouldn’t be enough time, or his handler (manager was the word I was looking for but handler came out and now I think it’s fitting) would push some of my books to the side. But none of that happened. Burroughs was thrilled to take as much time as needed to sign everyone’s books the way they wanted, and talk to them about whatever nonsense came out of their mouths (I also told him the Brad Pitt thing and he said “No, it’s really not”, which is the same thing Jenny Lawson said so now my mission is to make writers realize how wonderful and talented and essential they are), and to take pictures with anyone who asked.

When I got my picture taken with Jenny Lawson I looked awkward and starstruck standing behind her, trying not to touch her but be close enough to look like she actually cares about me, all while hiding a horrible breakout I had on my chest. So this time I embarrassingly but wonderfully asked to take a selfie, and Burroughs was not only more than happy to partake but put his arm around me, got as close as possible, and let me take two to make sure at least one was acceptable.

This is the good one where I look like a normal person taking a picture with her friend.

This is the funny one where I’m like “Holy fuck guys LOOK WHO’S TOUCHING ME”, But it’s still adorable, right?

The selfie thing totally worked out, by the way, because I’ve been breaking out like a 14-year-old lately and Burroughs mentioned that a facial he’d had a few days prior made him break out, but I’ve tweaked the light intake settings on my front camera to make us look flawless.

So in the end I got to experience a sincere reading, engage in extensive Q&A discussion, get every single book personally signed, take an everlasting selfie with my closest-thing-to-a-role-model, and partake in more personal conversation in which he told me he would remember my blog and check it out (Yes, I almost fainted) (Yes I’m also aware it might not happen). (If you’re reading this — I am crazy but I swear it’s usually in a good, quirky way.)

Then, high on life and experience and thinking magical thoughts and happiness, I went on my next #Before30BucketList adventure (coming soon).

Companions: Books, Augusten Burroughs, other fans

Cost Book for Son: $5 (I always bring him home a book when I go to a book signing) (Travel costs included in “Travel Alone” instead)

Goal # 3: Meet Favorite Author Accomplished: 3-27-2017

Bucket List Total: $129

#Before30BucketList: Meet Favorite Author (First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that original post and noting each goal accomplished if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

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#Before30BucketList: Travel Alone

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that and noting each goal accomplished and maybe adding or editing some items, if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

This one came about quite unexpectedly. I put it on my list but I didn’t really think I would pull it off. After all, I made this list when I turned 29 so I have…

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#Before30BucketList: Rock Out At A Concert

#Before30BucketList: Rock Out At A Concert

/ See A Favorite Musician Live In Concert

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that original post and noting each goal accomplished if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

This was a big one. Huge. (I can never not think of Donald Trump when I say that now. Thanks, Obama.)

His first tour in 13 years.

Let me go back…

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#Before30BucketList Number 2: Go To A Brewery

#Before30BucketList Number 2: Go To A Brewery

(First, go to this post if you don’t know what my #Before30BucketList is. I’ll also be going back to that original post and noting each goal accomplished if you want to keep up but miss out on some of my posts.)

This was the very first thing I achieved on my bucket list. I didn’t even know I wanted it on my bucket list until Mike’s cousin (my cousin-in-law?) invited me to join him for hisbirthday…

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Hey.

So.

I know I’ve been gone for a while. I also know that good blog posts don’t start off that way. But I’m a rule-breaker so deal with it.

Anyway, lots of stuff has been going on. I still don’t have my own working computer, which is the main reason I’ve been gone. I’m using my dad’s because I just can’t handle not writing anymore. I know I have to fill you in on the past thousand years (I got married?!), but for now we’re just going to act like there hasn’t been a giant gap and dive right in to the here and now.

I turned 29 on March 19th. Not usually a big deal. Typically, people freak out when they turn 30. But I’ve never done things typically. So I realized that I’m fine with the firsts that come with change — I’m always down to try new things; the issue I have is letting go of the lasts. Therefore, since 29 is the last year of my 20s, it’s difficult for me.

But I put that freak out to good use.

I’ve already been getting out and about and exploring and experiencing more in the past year than usual. But I decided to go big this year. First, I dubbed it my “year of experiences” — in which I would try my hardest to get out there and experience life instead of remaining uninterested and bed-ridden. Then it quickly changed to my “yes year” — meaning I would say yes to anything and everything people invited me to or even mentioned. From there, I decided there were things I wanted to do so the whole thing turned into a sort of bucket list. But a Before 30 Bucket List. Along with going with the flow and having fun experiences that come my way, there’s a list of about 80 things (and growing) that I’m trying my damnedest to accomplish by my next birthday. Which means I have until March 18th, 2018 to do a shitton of stuff.

I made this list in part by Googling those dumb articles about “30 Things to Accomplish Before you Turn 30” and incorporating some of their ideas into my own. It was a funny adventure, however, because when you think about it how many people really think to look at those lists in their late teens or early 20s? I’m guessing most people don’t really hunker down about being successful in their 30s until they’re close to 30, so some of the lists cracked me up. One of them had “Travel Alone,” “Have A Baby,” “Live Abroad,” and “Buy A House”. All on the same list. Sorry, but only superheroes can pull off all that shit in a year. I did add one of those things to my personal list, though, so it wasn’t a total loss.

I’ve already knocked out a few items, and those posts are in the works. I plan to keep you updated on all of the list shenanigans, and I’m keeping track of the random stuff that happens to come along but isn’t on the list so I can give you a wrap-up at the end of the year (MY Year, not the Calendar Year). But first I simply wanted to introduce to you the idea, and prepare you for the posts to come.

So here is my list. Many things are vague and I allow wiggle room. You’ll find out what I mean by that in upcoming posts of things I’ve achieved.

1. Rock Out At A Concert / See One Of Your Favorite Artists Live in Concert 2. Go To A Brewery 3. Meet Favorite Author 4. Attend A Big Sports Event 5. Unplug For A Full Day 6. Try A New Sport 7. Girls’ Getaway 8. Learn To Play An Instrument 9. Improve Wine Knowledge 10. Learn Family History 11. Learn To Gamble 12. Learn To Cook 13. Visit A New American City 14. Have Portrait Taken 15. Read Classic Novel About Women, By A Woman 16. Go Skinny Dipping 17. Throw A Dinner Party 18. Test Drive Dream Car 19. Sing Karaoke 20. Skydive 21. Climb A Mountain 22. Learn To Bartend 23. Scuba Dive 24. Learn A New Language 25. Go Camping 26. Volunteer 27. Go Whitewater Rafting 28. Apply For Dream Job 29. Go Hiking 30. Learn Astronomy 31. Stop Drinking Soda Altogether 32. Ride A Roller Coaster 33. Learn To Dance 34. Dive With Sharks 35. Start Workout Routine 36. Get Organized 37. Stop Smoking 38. Read A History Book 39. Build A Computer 40. Fire A Gun 41. Write A Letter To Yourself (Now, At 29) As If You’re 39 42. Eat Healthier 43. Get A Passport 44. Go To New York City For New Year’s Eve 45. Take A How-To Class 46. Write A Book 47. Read A Classic Book 48. Watch A Classic Movie 49. Make A New Family Tradition 50. Learn A DIY Craft 51. See A Broadway Show 52. Ride A Motorcycle 53. Go Fishing 54. Invest 55. Buy A High-End Name Brand (i.e. Expensive) Bag or Pair Of Shoes 56. Go To The Ellen Show (This one’s crossed out because I was a little too excited when I initially made the list and upon further investigating found out there’s no way I’ll be able to acquire tickets and afford to travel to California this year. So I’m planning on replacing it with the next one I come up with.) 57. Buy A Round For The House 58. Go To Vegas 59. Visit A Famous Fictional Location 60. Visit A Rock Icon Location 61. Rent A Vacation House With Friends 62. Throw A Fundraiser 63. Travel Alone 64. Go To A Music Festival 65. Party In A Big City 66. Walk For Charity 67. Eat At A Famous Restaurant 68. Eat Something Unusual 69. Watch A Meteor Shower 70. Ride A Mechanical Bull 71. Get Lost On Purpose In An Unfamiliar Place 72. Bake A Cheesecake 73. Explore All Of Central Park 74. Go Horseback Riding 75. March In An LGBT Pride Parade 76. Go Skiing / Snowboarding 77. Go To A Tattoo Convention 78. Bring Son To Storybook Land 79. Get A Job 80. Zipline

So there you have it. I even bought a nifty “Bucket List Journal” so I can keep track of everything.

I know it’s a lot to take on. And I know some things are probably not going to happen. But I’m going to do my best to try to at least attempt them all within the next year. Or, technically, 11 months, 1 week, and 1 day.

Also, I have already done many things on this list throughout my life. But once you put it all down on paper and in front of you, you realize how little you do the fun things anymore and how much time has passed since your last adventure, so these are simply all the things I’d like to accomplish while I’m 29 — no more, no less.

Also also I’m not doing them in order so you’ll be seeing random numbers throughout the next 11 months, 1 week, and 1 day.

Do you have a bucket list? Do you want to do mine with me? Do you have any advice or ideas for new goals? Let ‘er rip in the comments!

(p.s. thank you for sticking with me throughout my ridiculousness.)

(p.p.s. I met Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess but technically that happened four days before I turned 29 so it’s not part of the list, I just wanted to tell you how excited I am about it, and let you know that I’ll write about it soon.)

#Before30BucketList Hey. So. I know I've been gone for a while. I also know that good blog posts don't start off that way.

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Dolls Are For Girls, Arguments Are For The Immature, and The Bible Is For The Non-Religious

Dolls Are For Girls, Arguments Are For The Immature, and The Bible Is For The Non-Religious

I was at a thrift store the other day, buying way too much stuff, and since I kept noticing and going back to pay for more and more, the woman at the register and I got to talking.

We talked about ties, and then the casinos, and then union jobs. Then she mentioned she voted for Trump. I said I didn’t, but I said it with a smile and followed with “but I do hope he does a great job and I support…

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