Sometimes I'm a shitty person. I'm sometimes a poor communicator, I have an explosive temper, I manipulate and I ghost people and I'm a complete ass to those I love if they come near me.
But I'm getting better. I'm learning how to control my temper. I'm working on my trauma so I don't perceive so many things as threats. I'm working on better communication, which is always a two way street so it's best if my side of the street isn't a fucking minefield. I'm working on not ghosting people (which is so so fucking hard but I'm fucking doing the work).
I have been a bad person. I have done some capital e Evil shit. I've been an asshole, I've hurt people, I've been a bad friend to people who really needed me. And I've apologised to the people I can. I've put in the work to make sure I don't hurt them again. I'm working so fucking hard to be better.
And a lot of that work was only able to be done when people listened to me. I have had to be so vulnerable and say "I suck. Please help me not suck." I've had to give people warnings about myself before becoming friends. My closest circles are the ones where we have understood ways of dealing with me. And if those people hadn't trusted me to change, I never would have had the chance to.
Bad people can become better. If you don't believe that you are creating a self fulfilling prophecy where any mistake or relapse (very common in recovery) is a sign of failure.
You have to give people the chance to become better.
fuck purity. be unpalatable. fuck being perfect, fuck always "knowing better." you wanna be PUNK? you think you're a FREAK?
psh. focus on being unpalatable first. you want to be punk AND liked/respected by everyone? wrong goal. having perfect arguments and morals gets very very little done. doing shit gets stuff done.
christians/trump/whiteUSA/republicans/racists/ableists/fascists/across the globe, and many more-- they all look down on all of us, the "nuance" to their "beliefs." Punk exists because truth KILLS beliefs. that's why PUNK KILLS FASCISTS.
wanna DO something? even with helping stop AI spreading? log-off. go OFFLINE. make mistakes. listen and learn. know yourself and why you believe what you believe. no one can punch your beliefs out of you. that goes both ways.
online is a simulation. i LITERALLY mean it when i say: touching grass is punk nowadays. logging offline (phone/computer/whatever screen unless it's like face-time lol).
social media is not social any more. it's data-collecting at BEST. like being social online? totally fine. find other apps that don't force AI.
"accept all cookies" REJECT ALL POSSIBLE.
"by continuing to use this app/website, to agree to our privacy and policy [etc]"
THAT'S A TRAP. FIND A DIFFERENT WEBSITE.
billionaires buy you through your data, and if you aren't already (in "ease-of-effort" ways) controlled by apps and ads to let them think for you (analyse ads, they're adding a lot of built-in-camera surveillance, disguised as "for your safety" "features"). ie: dont think, just do! and toyota's newest "safety" feature of registering IF YOUR EYES ARE WATCHING THE ROAD AND ALERTING YOU TO WATCH FORWARD (depicted as an exhausted nurse overworked from a shift falling asleep at the wheel).
can YOU🫵 guess how far away tech is from forcing attention to advertisements?
blackmirror season 1 ep 2 is where we're all headed and none of this is news.
PUNKS SAY NO. PUNKS MAKE MISTAKES. PUNKS ASK QUESTIONS. PUNKS RAISE MORE QUESTIONS THAN THEY ANSWER. MAKE PEOPLE QUESTION THEIR SCHEMAS. PUNK IS AWAKE. PUNK IS INDIFFERENT TO FUCKIN JOKER COWARD INCELS. PUT POWDERED MASHED POTATOES IN THEIR CARS (OR TANKS). MAKE THEIR LIVES INCONVENIENT.
MAKE FASCISTS AFRAID TO BE FASCIST. APPLY the SIMILAR LOGIC: "DEAD PEDOPHILES CAN'T REOFFEND. KILL YOUR LOCAL PEDO." fascists are "innocent"? oh? viewing other humans as lesser-than is innocent? that's fine with you? you don't wanna rock the boat? you're NOT PUNK. yet.
work on yourself before you "work" on others. know your own point before you try and get it across. know yourself and why you believe what you believe. KNOW why you, personally, believe it. even if you can't get THAT across to someone else, at least YOU know why you stand on that hill you'd die on, right?
CALL OUT CLASS DIVIDE AS FACT, NOT A PUNCHLINE. MAKE THEIR SAFETY THEIR PROBLEM. PUNK ISN'T DEAD.
PUNK CALLS FOR ONE WAR: CLASS WAR.
DON'T GET DISTRACTED BY LAZY PROPAGANDA PREYING ON HOW TIRED YOUR EMPATHY IS. THEY DID THIS ON PURPOSE TO YOU.
DON'T STOP CARING. in the words of my favourite Australian artist musician Wil Wagner: "Youth is wasted on the young, drink is wasted on the drunk. Nothing's ever loud enough to properly drown the demons out. It's a punishment to care about anything this much. Nothing's ever loud enough! Nothing's ever loud enough!!! Nothing's ever loud enough!!!!!!"
TLDR? too bad. that's a YOU🫵 problem.
READ. MORE.
NO WAR BUT CLASS WAR.
OP context: i am 31 years old, born white, to extremely conservative christian californian usamerican parents. grew up in Australia. found out i am LGBTQ+ after moving AWAY from the usa, and was taught queer vocabulary, taught about indigenous racism, transphobia,
I wasn't intending these two collages to be companion pieces. My chronic illness means that everything I do takes forever, but collage is a great medium for that, because I can glue this thing down today, then another thing tomorrow, etc. And I made these two over such a long period of time--I started "A Dead Mouse" in May and finished "Social Action" in July--that I wasn't really thinking about the one when I made the other. But not only do they kinda go together thematically, the lines of embroidery match up almost perfectly.
(both are 6"x8" hand cut analog collage with mulberry paper, found paper and embroidery floss)
- immediately get sleepy after eating. more protein means less sleepy, but I will still get sleepy no matter what I eat.
- take ADHD meds and go back to sleep until they kick in (about an hour, hour and a half. If it's a day where I'm not taking my Adderall, I sleep longer)
- eat something again. has to be quick, like microwaving leftovers. If I'm cooking - a smoothie, quesadilla, or grilled cheese. Anything with more cooking or prep than that and I'll lose too much working time because of the recovery.
- Have 2-4 hours of working time. Must be sitting down and the less amount of times I get up the longer I'm able to work. If I'm on the couch, I can go all four hours. If I go to my studio in the basement, I get about two hours.
- Nap again. Hour, hour and a half. Resisting the nap will make my feel sick to my stomach and sometimes trigger a migraine so it's not really worth it to try to stay awake unless I have to.
- it's about 50/50 whether I can do some light work after waking up. The Adderall has really helped the evening brain fog, but it's usually too much to start a new project, work on a sketch with a difficult pose, or write. I can try, but when I look at the work after the brain fog has passed it's never my best work and I usually end up redoing it. Usually I color a sketch I've already finished, play an easy game, or work on a project I've already started like simple crochet.
- go to bed exhausted like I've worked a 10 hour shift 🙃
- I usually have to restructure my days around going out. And there are activities that I know will require a long nap afterwards no matter what. Like shopping, appointments, and sometimes showering.
- "You're so lucky that you get to stay home and nap I love napping."
I'm going to punch you in the face. I am an incredibly ambitious person and I wanted to have a career. I hoped to have children by now.
Imagine the most miserable part of covid (being home all the time, not seeing friends and family, not being able to go out without extra prep and care) and then imagine that it never ended.
That being said, I'm not really posting this because I want pity. I'm not really sure why I'm posting this I think I just needed to get it off my chest.
myalgic encephalomyelitis means inflammation of the brain and spinal cord.
often just called chronic fatigue syndrome or cfs, it is a chronic illness characterized by "extreme fatigue that can't be explained by an underlying medical condition."
cfs is sometimes called a "trashcan diagnosis" meaning that people with this set of symptoms are thrown into the same category and there is not enough research to determine an origin or treatment. Most doctors have not heard of cfs, or they will turn you away because they don't know how to treat it.
The Hallmark symptom that cfs sufferers share is PEM, or Post Exertional Malaise. In short, exertion makes us feel sick. The keyword there being exertion and not just exercise. Some with mild symptoms may be able to manage some careful exercise, but moderate sufferers usually cannot. People with severe cfs have had their baseline decline to the point that they are bed bound, some needing bed pans and feeding tubes. The goal for all of us is to try and raise our baseline or keep it from declining to this severe level.
From the small amount of research in the past, and the currently growing amount of research, the general consensus seems to be that me/cfs is a long virus, like Long Covid. Likely caused mono, or Epstein Barr Virus. It also seems likely that those with me/cfs have a lowered anaerobic threshold, and that the body doesn't produce enough oxygen for your muscles when you exert yourself. The accelerated cell death as a result of this is thought to be one of the causes of PEM. (Disclaimer, I tend to do a lot of medical research but I am absolutely not an expert or a doctor/nurse.)
The cfs community has figured out for itself that one of the few things that actually helps us to improve and heal is pacing. Which requires calculating your anaerobic threshold using a heart monitor watch like a fitbit, and then structuring your lifestyle so that you can stay under your threshold. This reduces crashes and prevents PEM, though it can mean saying no to a lot of plans and potentially being lonely and bored in order to pace correctly.
Covid and Long Covid had a silver lining for the chronically ill community in that it has encouraged a lot of research on chronic fatigue, long viruses, and many of its co-morbidities.
Because of this, and despite the salty tone of this post, I do have hope that a treatment will be uncovered in my lifetime.
a purposely unfinished self-portrait representing how chronic illness/disability gets in the way of daily activities; projects left unfinished, rooms left half-clean, chores left *almost* done---this drawing demonstrates the devastating impact of chronic illness on my quality of life.
RE: the post I just reblogged about how bullies will single out victims for having neurdivergent traits but will rarely if ever come right out and say "I bullied you because you're neurdivergent", they'll just say it's because you were too weird and eccentric (no matter how harmless that weirdness and eccentricity is)
I don't want to derail a post specifically about being neurdivergent, so I'm going to go ahead and make this its own post. But, I have been having a lot of thoughts lately on how the same thing can be said of being a survivor of abuse makes you vulnerable to more bullying and abuse.
I've lurked in subreddits for bullying victims to talk about their experiences, and there's almost always comments saying things to the victims like "bullies probably always sniff you out because you're quiet and withdrawn and act afraid of other people" "bullies sniff you out because when they raise their voice to you or say something mean you flinch and freeze up instead of standing up for yourself" "bullies sniff you out because they can tell from your body language that you have low self esteem and low self worth so they take that as you being an easy target"
Gee, I wonder what sort of life experience could make someone withdrawn, afraid of other people, flinching and freezing when someone is mean or raises their voice at them, and also lowers this person's self esteem and self worth 🤔🤔🤔
Just like in the last post I reblogged where they said it's unlikely for a bully to come right out and say "I picked this victim because they're autistic", instead they'd say "it's because this person is weird and eccentric", if you were to ask a bully who is targeting a survivor of domestic violence why they picked that target it's unlikely they'd come right out and say "I'm bullying them for being a victim of domestic violence", they would deny that much and probably don't even realize (or care) that their victim is a survivor of abuse. But that doesn't change the fact that they were drawn to this particular target because of traits the victim acquired as a result of enduring abuse.
And sure, especially with therapy you can rebuild your self esteem after abuse, and learn to control your trauma responses better so you're not walking around with a target on your back all day for bullies to come and get you. However, that can take years of healing, probably needing the help of a professional to get that far. Call me a crazy radical or whatever but if someone has already endured abuse they don't deserve to endure years more of bullying until they've healed enough, especially when bullying is likely to stunt or even stop the healing process altogether.
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