Okay I Guess

I’m just going to sit here and spurt nonsense into a void, but reach your hand in if you feel like it

[nonsensically-put]

I’m just so tired I’ll surely fall asleep

From exhaustion; for there is no other way

.

Can’t we just agree to never let me wake

Maybe I’ll never make a better world

Instead I’ll dream of a better time,

Where I can make my future mine

And lines no longer section me, forever

.

And yet here I stand

In reality

Surrounded by smashed up plates and crimson fates and time is running out

.

I’m just so tired I’ll surely fall asleep

Please do not disturb, I’d rather stay

And if I lay and never woke then the bus would miss my stop

And reach translucent futures faster

[nonsensically-put]

Just tell me where the line is

Please

I look at a guy and it’s bad? No

But looking at him like that it is

And I’m here distraught because I feel like I’m cheating but it was only a look

A long look

Over many days

It would have been okay if I’d not done a thing

But I wished he’d speak

So I could hear his voice

But I wished he’d speak

To me

Just tell me where the line is

Please please

What am I doing?

Following him on social media

His account was public after all

I can’t help but be attracted it’s just my body, I can’t help but forget about the girlfriend who used to fill my thoughts

Where does it stop? Where does it end?

Where’s the line? Have I crossed it? I have no idea

Just let me know

If you find the line

Under all the dust and dirt and grime and tears

I wish I were behind it

But I don’t think I am

[nonsensically-put]

Just let me leave

I ask

But there’s no answer and there never is

Just let me try

I plead

Imagining blood escaping and being replaced like the knives in the lunch hall and escaping and being replaced again and again and again and again

Just let me scratch the itch

I beg

The itch to scratch and cut and pull and dehydrate and I’ll just wait for meaning forever

My eyes will sting as they struggle to stay open but the darkness helps it really does

Maybe I can drift off and leave

Maybe I can never come back

[nonsensically-put]

I’m just so tired I want to curl up and rot

Not much more to it than that

I wish there was more but the more I think about my head the more my head will get ahead with worries about past mistakes

Just let me be free I beg

But it is life who chains me down, her voice like a siren as I fight to stay awake

Like a moth to a light

But the voice does not chain me down it is I with my pale wings and rusty crown that pushes on my wrists to keep me to the floor

As I’m curled up and rotting and losing the war

[nonsensically-put]

When I was small I went to preschool

In the village hall, kissed a boy

Played with toys, and tried marmite

Which I hated like my brother

We'd fight cause he was clever

But I'd never be happy with seeing

School approaching round the corner

In reception I played

Won a competition for art

I'd made like the mistakes I can't remember

In the next few years I made friends

And never laid down rules about what was okay

Which came back to get me

When I was older and did as they had done dragged my friends around like my feet when I was sad cause I was

I became my friends even the bad parts and the bad part is that my heart couldn’t take much more of this

[nonsensically-put]

Friends probably hate me

But that feeling ate me up long ago when the merry-go-round ground to a halt

But the ground is not enough to keep me down to earth even if I’m lying on the pavement sobbing cause my life isn’t working out

How my parents wanted it well at least it did for him let’s just say he didn’t care when I cried at the shouting cause a little girl couldn’t work the cockpit and I just cried and he just got on with perfect

Perfect that I still can’t reach I’ll be a kid reaching a shelf all my life or at least to my parents as I won’t ever stop reaching to that kitchen shelf to solve my problems every time

But they’d just shout louder the worse my problems got

And I’m just working to get the grades to get the place to get the job to get the money to get the life that isn’t life unless you follow the pattern

But follow the leader doesn’t apply we lead our own lives right?

Wrong

They say to step outside the box but I’m boxed in from all sides and the walls are closing in

Step outside the sealed steel box, slightly more difficult?

That’s life, did they tell you?

No, why would they?

You’re just a little girl not being able to work the cockpit while he flies past in a jet spinning loop-de-loops

Like your mind as you work out why you’re wrong and he’s right

It’s quite easy to see why you did what you did, how were you supposed to know it wasn’t down to gender when you’re small and no one explained it to you

And now I have to live with it

I guess