The theater sent me pre-sale tickets for Hadestown again in January, and it feels nice that me and my sister are basically getting a redo!
Also, updates on Loki’s Marvel bullshit:
I kept getting emails about the “Uranus in Gemini” thing that’s going on and how everyone was discounting their readings on the weekend, so I caved to my anxiety and could not resist asking the second psychic more about the “really big project that the spirits say is coming up for me.” So I used Channing Tatum’s name as a placeholder because you need two people’s names for her reading, and uhhhhhhhhhhh things got detailed in a way I didn’t expect. This was not in a sexual way or talking about platitudes like, “you two are soulmates and destined to meet through x, y, and z.” The psychic talked about finding kindred spirits and (re)discovering the spirituality in art, and I’m like, “oh no, oh no. I haven’t even told her that I’m writing a fanfic about Gambit yet!!!”
And I mentioned how Loki and Dionysus are both aware that they are NOT the most reassuring spirits to talk to me about how “You’re not crazy” or “I’m in Marvel Studios, and I’m helping you out because NOBODY ELSE IS,” and the psychic told me, “These two are being extremely honest about how their own reputations precede them and this situation sounds impossible, but they’re here anyway.”
So it’s confirmed by TWO people that the god of madness is telling me I’m not mad, and the trickster-god who’s HEAVILY disliked by his own pantheon is helping me because he’s sick of all the nicer gods NOT helping???
If Loki and Dionysus end up being my Day 1 spiritual teammates, I’m going to riot. 😭 😭 😭
What's up, some weird fucking chaos happened when I just wanted to go see Hadestown with my sister.
The Honda Odyssey is not working AGAIN, so my sister missed half the show even though we left an HOUR early. Our seating section was apparently IMPROVISED, and when the usher heard that I'd bought two tickets but there was an emergency, she went "oh, free seat!" and just moved an old white lady into my sister's seat. …Not fun to deal with after intermission, when my sister showed up and I'm pretty sure a DIFFERENT usher saw our tickets, showed us both to our seats, and had the old lady move.
And I'm like, "How the fuck did all this shit go wrong when I specifically asked the spirits to try and make sure everything goes right for BOTH OF US, not just me???"
And I was like, "Loki, I know you're not the best person to ask about things going SMOOTHLY, but is the chaos a sign or something?"
He told me, "YES, it's a fucking sign. You reserved a parking spot because YOU could not predict that the car would stall after a whole fucking morning of being normal. YOU could not predict that an usher would just cram someone else into your sister's seat, and then end up having to move that person out when your sister got to the theater after all. Every time shit happens with your sister, you feel bad and start freaking out about all the stuff YOU could have done to help her. And then she starts telling you to do stuff for her, because who the fuck is she going to ask? Herself? AND YOU DO IT, BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD."
I asked him, "Yes, Loki, but what does the chaos even mean?! I just want a SOMEWHAT functional relationship with my sister, but it's like all of this keeps happening JUST to make things more stressful than it needs to be!" And I'm trying to sift out how exactly he answered, but I couldn't really hear him properly. My head is just really on edge right now, and I wish all these fucking emergencies would stop happening for like, two or three months.
I do know that Loki didn't necessarily CAUSE the mess to happen, he's just observing it and making some commentary, as he usually does.
I just asked for ONE THING to go right after this shitty week, and I barely got it.
Yeah, Hadestown was lovely to see live and the cast did a great job, I just wish all the stuff happening AROUND it hadn't gone down.
One unambiguously nice thing was how I brought my nerdy Greek mythology statues to see their counterparts, and Hermes' actor took a photo with my Hermes statue. ❤️
Idk why the fuck all the chaos is happening to people AROUND ME, either. 😩
Like, I would think if an abundance/cleansing spell starts kicking in and the universe starts helping me out more, would that not at least INFORMALLY mean that "the universe doesn't make it too hard on 'people in my vicinity???'"
What's up, there's some family drama happening and Loki is… Loki again.
Mom was in a bad mood because she'd been calling me last night, and I didn't wake up to check on her, and then she blew up at me before I went to a writing workshop and told me "I told you to stop doing things outside of work! You're not making money and they don't even do anything for you! If you go to that class, don't come back!"
I know she doesn't mean that shit, but my sister has understandably left for the night.
Mom's sort of calmed down, she's just worried about my sister and moaning about how she didn't MEAN to say "don't come back."
Meanwhile, my sister is mad that I didn't leave with her (because I know that Mom doesn't expect people to TAKE HER AT HER WORD when she's mad!). She SAID she doesn't want to victim-blame me, but she also said if I don't leave with her, she'll call me a professional victim for only trying half-measures to change things, and I shouldn't complain to her about my life anymore.
I feel stuck between two incompatible people again.
And now for the "Loki being Loki" part: Loki has stepped in and told me that I'm getting the fuck out of here VERY soon, so I'm not going to be around long for my mom to control anymore, or for my sister to make jabs about how I'm a "professional victim" again.
Like, I haven't told her about paying for spellwork, because how do I even TALK about that shit? Like at breakfast or whatever, do I just go, "What's up, I clicked one of the many Facebook ads that promised you magical help, because it was affordable and I don't think I have anything else left to lose. Will check back about whether it worked."
And Loki said he thinks my sister acts like I do nothing besides work and apply for jobs, complain about Mom, and write stuff, and he said she acts like I don't have a LIFE outside of her impressions of me as "my miserable sister who refuses to accept my help."
He thinks it's going to be hilarious when I suddenly have a bunch of great news about my art that surprises everyone, including my sister, and I said, "Loki, you know it takes a while to write a movie script or get a novel published, right? Even if I get a call from someone tomorrow morning about how they love my work and they fling some money at me, I wouldn't be instantly rich or leave for far-off places next week."
He went, "Sure, it takes a while to get the ball rolling, but she wouldn't see how the ball GOT THERE. She acts like she's the only one in the world who can possibly help you out, and she acts like you haven't done ANYTHING in your adult life besides gripe about your mom and how you have no money. Guess what else you do? You wrote stuff to stay sane, and you prayed to us for help, and you asked people to do some spells for you. AND GUESS WHO'S ANSWERING YOUR PRAYERS NOW THAT THE SPELLS ARE WORKING? LOKI LAUFEYJARSON, FAMOUS MARVEL ANTI-VILLAIN!"
And I'm just doing what Dionysus tells me about 'don't refuse what the spirits tell you, just say yes/thank you,' so I went, "Sure, Loki, thank you for saying you've got my back."
And I know this shitty week just sounds like regular life issues instead of spirituality, but the constant pattern of me screwing up and then trying to fix things, but not being very GOOD at fixing things, is actually why Loki is always talking about "Girl your life is shit and I'm getting you the fuck out of here. I'm in Marvel, I can do that!"
Like, he is actually REALLY blunt at how the vicious-cycle nature of "I know I'm bad at things, and I wish to be LESS bad at things, but I can barely remember that I need to schedule an assessment for ADHD because I'M NOT DIAGNOSED AND THEREFORE TAKING THOSE MEMORY/FOCUS MEDS YET" just keeps eating itself alive with one thing always canceling another thing out, and making it hard if not impossible for me to attempt any LASTING change. Loki often says that the only way for me to, you know… be BETTER at life… is to just remove me from the circumstances of this particular life.
Hence, all his Marvel bullshit.
I don't know how he's going to scoop me out of this dumbass white-people's suburb when I don't have any fucking money to STAY out for more than a few months, but the other spirits are constantly assuring me that Loki's got me. Especially since he keeps making jabs at them for not trying to get one of the two things I've been begging the universe nonstop to help me with (a good art career or my own place), BEFORE he decided to do it as everyone's mythological last resort.
So yeah, I guess I'll keep you all updated on Loki's plans.
LOKI, YOU MISERABLE FUCK. Deadpool wasn’t kidding when he said the Honda Odyssey sucks balls. My sister’s car is out of commission yet again and I really hope it can be fixed soon for an affordable price.
This led to a fight, and Mom dumped all her “you just want me to rot here being bored” baggage on me… that she never actually told me about. Omg, she’s always doing this.
She says she doesn’t ask me to do stuff a lot because she doesn’t like how I rush through things, but it’s not like SHE hides how she barely tolerates me, either. “I love you even though you’re a failure with a crappy job, and I think your sister treats you like a maid, because that’s how my siblings treated ME.”
And now I’m feeling squeezed again between two incompatible people who ALSO aren’t compatible with me. I’m not good at anything my family wants me to be good at, and I know they probably only ask me for help at all because I’m the only one around, and I hate it. I want nothing more than the ability to leave this hellhole town for a GOOD reason, and for my sister to get her own place away from Mom, because the three of us living together clearly isn’t working. But I have no fucking money for taking off and leaving.
And all I could really take solace in is updating my fucking “Deadpool and Wolverine” fanfic as soon as Mom stopped lecturing me.
I asked Loki to PLEASE get whatever his alleged Marvel plans are together as fast as possible, so I can finally leave this place and get money to escape this life. And he just laughed and went “Don’t worry, girly-pop. I’m not lying about Marvel, and you’re not gonna die stuck in your mom’s apartment and still begging everyone to read your stuff. Let’s get this shit into gear.” I guess I’ll let you know if something Marvel-related happens soon.
Speaking of which, the fanfic is already thirty thousand words at chapter 4 (half a SHORT novel!!!), and I’m embarrassed because I HAVE SO MUCH PLOT LEFT. 😑
Loki Laufeyjarson, I hope your alleged Marvel plans are moving faster than this thing.
Dionysus: (Long, detailed, very touching message about how we both GET each other and this is why he’s helping me out)
Loki: TELL HER SHE’S NOT CRAZY, SHE AND HER WORK JUST MAKE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE AND THOSE BITCHES CAN’T FUCKING DEAL.
Loki, to me: YEAH I’VE BEEN TELLING YOU THAT FOR YEARS, YOU’RE JUST MESSED UP.
Also Dionysus, after finishing the nice speech: I’m not saying no fucking names for “The Guy Claiming to be Channing Tatum” yet. She’s already nervous about this whole Marvel thing, and if I tell someone else too much info right now, she will freeeeeeeeak the fuck out.
It figures Dionysus knows that the main thing i keep asking him about is also the thing he won’t tell me for mental health reasons , lmao 😭
Meanwhile, a third Filipino spirit dropped in and told the psychic to tell ME that I’ve been subconsciously putting a bunch of spiritual energy into my writing, which is a factor in why people often get so uncomfortable around it, but the Pinoy spirits especially enjoy it. Really nice to get some validating messages from the spirits. ❤️
Yesterday, I got a message that a writing friend LOVES one of my poems and wants to feature it in the group we’re in. ❤️ This poem is also called “Vibranium,” and Fictional-Me talks to the gods about stealing back some Filipino artifacts from Chicago’s museum.
I was rereading it and immediately found some stuff I thought I fixed, but while I’m cleaning it up, Loki is laughing at me again and going “I KEEP TELLING YOU HOW I’M IN MARVEL, BITCHESSSSSSS.”
Yeah, so the psychic’s evil-eye cleansing is most definitely working to get me seen by more folks.
So my sister had some car issues for a few days, but they were fixed today because it turns out the Honda Odyssey's battery was decrepit and it HAPPENED to die three weeks after my sister brought the car home.
I'm hoping the household can go at least a month with no serious issues like this again.
I also started a writing workshop! Since Louisiana's Filipino-American history was on my mind because of my dang fanfiction about Gambit, and one of our writing prompts was a story taking place in the past or future, I decided to start writing a short script about the Manila Galleon trade route, and how miserable it was for the Filipino sailors coming to New Orleans. I now have yet another story idea to work on, lol. I'm really hoping that it's good enough for the workshop to actually put on for the show (they can only put on six of the plays), but there's plenty of other options if I want to send it out.
Technically I'd be missing Sundays at work for the last half of the workshop, but I'm not too bothered since I can ask my managers to switch me to basically any other day I'm available.
--
Also regarding the spirit who claims to be Channing, it's really nice having him around without worrying about if I'm crazy anymore.
Sometimes he asks me personal questions as if we're actually dating, and I tend to run into what Dionysus pointed out with "panicking and putting things off." Because I'm constantly going, "that sounds great, but I wish I had MONEY for it," or "I would love to, if I could just move out of my mom's place first."
Half the reason I want to move out--or to have a big art project that gets me into a new city and into a hotel room--BEFORE I start a relationship is because if I'm not, I'll have to answer Mom's constant questions about who I'm dating, where I'm going with him, and all that nosy stuff. Luckily, she's okay with me dating and she's actually desperate for me and my sister to get boyfriends now that we're in our thirties, but she was exhausting to live with as a teenager who wanted to go out with friends but couldn't, because we were TOO YOUNG AND NAIVE to date anyone, and now she's talking about how I'm getting too old for kids soon.
All the spirits know that this is why I keep putting off relationships in general--because there's NO GOOD WAY to have a relationship if I have to share an apartment that my retired mom barely leaves, and I ALSO have to share a room with my sister and her dog. And I won't be able to stay at his place, or my mom is either going to pitch a fit about where I am, or she's going to constantly ask when I'll get married and have kids.
This one time the Spirit who claims to be Channing asked me, "If I showed up next week, and if I asked you to make a Marvel movie with me, would you go?"
And I told him, "Yes, I would! But I'd also feel bad about leaving my family with no extra money in case MORE CAR ISSUES happen, or nobody to talk to if my sister is on a double-shift and she needs someone who's not old and disabled to take care of her dog. I'd have to give my sister a warning that I'm heading out, and then I'd give her about half of my bank account to feel MOSTLY okay with going! So while I'm asking for Loki to get his plans for Marvel on the move, I'm also asking for the Universe to get me some damn money FIRST, so I have the financial freedom to leave my family and make a movie!"
I'm so glad that he understands the struggle of being a broke artist, because he's not holding anything against me personally, lol. He was extremely sad about how restricted my life is without any fucking money to do all the stuff I want, and he said something like, "Babe, I will make sure you don't have to worry about curfews, or dog-walking, or your nosy mom asking for grandchildren. I promise."
Dionysus keeps telling me that this is not a metaphor/symbolism, or a figurative situation. Homeboy is acting like a new date/boyfriend because there's going to be a relationship with a real person soon.
I actually like having him around--I just wish I could have some fucking alone time with him at a regular hour, instead of hunting around for pockets of time when everyone's asleep or at least out of the room. All the things I knew would be a problem if I had a real relationship are happening, because there is no fucking space for me to chill out with Spirit Who Claims to be Channing, without being nervous about how someone is ALWAYS around. I'm just meditating with him and I'm not even talking out loud with a real guy yet, but I'm always on edge in case the dog needs to be let out, or if my sister wakes up unexpectedly and I have to pretend to be asleep.
Also, today my mom talked to me about a potential job offer with the government that one of her friends will tell her. I honestly don't want to do it because I'm tired of having a fucking day-job, but I told her to let me know when the applications start up because I need money anyway.
So it's this horrible conflict between "actually this guy is great and I love being around him" and "THERE IS NO FUCKING SPACE IN THIS BUSTED OLD APARTMENT THAT I SHARE WITH FAMILY. I HAVE NO MONEY TO GET SOME BREATHING ROOM AWAY FROM THEM." I hate being right about putting off relationships, omg. To whoever is going to show up and start dating me like Dionysus keeps saying, PLEASE make sure I have some fucking money first.
I wish I could stop worrying about cash on my spiritual "dating" adventures, but that would solve 90% of my problems.
What's up? So my birthday was on Friday and we had a watch party for A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms. I prayed to Dionysus for at least a few people to show up; half the guests ended up cancelling, but at least the other half showed up late due to traffic.
Mom, as she usually does, has been complaining about everything for the past few days.
Yesterday, she complained about how we didn't ask her for help, but the day AFTER our birthday, she complained about how we "made her clean up after the party," because we'd left the bread out overnight and she insisted on packing it up "properly."
So I asked the spirits to please make her calm the heck down and give both of us a rest so she wouldn't be bringing it up for an hour like she tends to do, and luckily she stopped pretty quickly. I don't know what she even wants at this point--first she complained that we "made her clean up after the party," and now she's complaining that we didn't ask her for HELP with the party. This woman is elderly and disabled, I don't know why she insists on micromanaging so much.
If she takes a week to finally stop talking about the party we already had, I'm hoping that my sister and I can get a way out of here soon.
Spiritual plot twists, behind the cut for length and depression. Most of it is copied from my email to the psychic, with minor edits for grammar.
--
Around the 22nd after I'd updated the psychic about things, I couldn't resist calling "the guy who claims to be Channing Tatum" over. I've always been conflicted about him, so I just went, "I'm so sorry for always waffling on what to call you, and for not knowing whether I should spend more time with you or not."
He said, "Oh boy, but you called me by my name now. And you finally ASKED ME to come over instead of waiting for me to show up. As long as I'm the one dropping in, you can either ignore your feelings or you can tie yourself in knots. But you have opened those floodgates now, girl, and you won't be able to close them."
I told him that I try not to call him over because I always feel like I'm being torn in half when he's around.
He seemed hurt, but not SURPRISED about it. And he asked, "Why are you doing this to yourself? I came because you’re making something BIG, and I'm not about to miss it. Everyone else is okay with me. You're okay with me, too--right up until you start worrying about whether you're crazy, or whether I'm 'the REAL actor' or not. And I get why you're messing yourself up, because I know performers have a lot of issues, but I just wish you could let yourself feel things with me."
It took me an hour or two to finally calm down and stop worrying about him being there on purpose, but once I did and I just let myself spend time with him without the "am I crazy?" baggage, the whole pit of my stomach/torso felt drained in a nice way, like an infection/illness finally got cleared up. My head was also REALLY clear and "settled" in a way that I don't think I've felt before, at least not too often.
So last night was great, and I woke up in the morning and he was still there, like I asked.
He laughed nicely and he went, "Girl, you literally asked me to stay until you wake up. I'm not ditching you in the morning."
Then I read the psychic's email, and I asked Dionysus if she was right about the mystery guy representing a way to make performing/arts more approachable as opposed to actually representing a PERSON, and whether I shouldn't get too distracted with him while I'm on my way to potential Marvel adventures.
He told me, "She's half-right. You don't have to worry if this guy's the real actor or not, but I brought him here because you keep ignoring relationships. I know you're desperate for your big break, but even YOU can't ignore a superhero. Look at him! He's hot!"
I told him that I have plenty of good relationships with spirits, but he went, "YEAH, JUST THE SPIRITS. NOT WITH MEN OF FLESH AND BLOOD. Every time a real guy gets into the mix, you panic and shut down your feelings. You're worried that seeing him in the spirit-world means you're crazy. Or you put off relationships because you need to get out of your mom's place first, or you need to get your art career started first. You're always thinking you have to PICK between having success, or a great relationship. So you chip away at relationships because you think you need to make room for your art. Or you don't want to sound like an unhappy woman trying to cope with her shitty life, because I know this is exactly why people thought you were crazy the first time. I don't want you to do that anymore. WHAT IF YOU CAN HAVE BOTH AT THE SAME TIME? IMAGINE HAVING A MAN AND YOUR CAREER. This happens all the time with other actors--why not for you?"
I'm not sure if I got all of Dionysus' speech right, but he told me not to worry too much about whether that part sounds coherent or not. Here's what he said that he really wants me to get right: "I have heard all your wants for this life, whether you said them aloud or not. I have heard you chop them into smaller and smaller pieces, because you think you don't deserve ALL OF IT, not all at once. But I am the god of letting go, and I have brought you this man and this career, because I never want you to shrink yourself again."
I'm nervous about what Dionysus means with how he "BROUGHT him" over, lol. But whoever he is, "guy claiming to be Channing Tatum" definitely represents a RELATIONSHIP, not just a way to get metaphorically "closer" to the performing world.
Dionysus also mentioned that me ignoring relationships is related to how I keep wanting good luck after years on the sidelines, but seeing everyone ELSE have the time of their lives while I'm still living with my mom has really limited what I think is achievable FOR ME. I've been catching myself praying for a six-figure windfall, and then panicking and saying, "I just want enough money for me and my sister to move out and have stability," so I'm trying to stop doing that.
Loki has also reminded me that my workplace refused to give us raises last year because "they can't afford to pay us more than minimum wage," but their training video stated that they make millions of dollars every year. He said if I want money, I should ask to be SWIMMING in money, since my idea of "swimming in money" would only be a fraction of what extremely wealthy people might expect.
So Loki is telling me to shake the Universe down for as much money as I want, and Dionysus specifically wants me to dream big about finding a superhero to have adventures with.
--
And the psychic mentioned how very DISTINCT and strong my connection to the spirit world is--because most people only get vague feelings or short cryptic phrases, but the spirits are giving me whole monologues and detailed therapeutic advice.
This is a double-edged sword. Yet again, people often thought that my detailed "talks" with the spirits were because of my theater training, and this must be either escapism or a coping method, or full-blown mental illness.
So I mentioned to the spirit-worker that Loki will not shut up about how "I'm in Marvel, bitch!!! And I'm helping you get there too, SINCE NONE OF THESE NICER FUCKERS WILL DO IT," and how Dionysus is constantly assuring me that 1) I'm not crazy, and 2) I'm close to my goals. Then I mentioned one of my fanfiction projects, and she was blown away by how I tied in Louisiana's history with Filipino-Americans into a story about Gambit and his friends getting blindsided by Filipino mythology and needing Anitun Tabu's help.
Today she was like, "Honey. Loki is literally telling you that he's helping BECAUSE he's in Marvel. Then you have Dionysus, god of art AND madness, telling you that you're not crazy and you ARE close to finally getting your big break. You're not just a nerd or hallucinating--these two are sending you messages. At some point you have to take Loki seriously."
And I went, "Yes, but I have a pattern of people thinking I'm crazy when I talk about this kind of stuff, but then I run into OTHER people who experienced the same thing, and that's confusing. Also, it's not like anything ELSE the spirits told me has happened. For the past few years I started lashing out at them to PLEASE stay quiet and stop giving me hope, if I'm just going to be stuck in a decrepit apartment working a job I hate for the rest of my life. Dionysus has been telling me to stop doing that lately."
And she said it really hurt when I told her that I'm not NOT-listening to Loki, I just have a problem with telling OTHERS about it, because I don't want this to end up being another five or ten years of "nothing actually happened."
Guess why Loki Laufeyjarson is going "I'M FUCKING RIGHT AGAIN, BITCHESSSSSSSSSSS" today? 😑
If I get a message from like, Ryan Reynolds or Ryan COOGLER, or someone else on the good Marvel team, that's going to be three times that Loki Laufeyjarson was right about something. Help.
Helpppppp, I found out my manager tried to be a plumber (again) and he flooded a room.
We already have a mechanic!!! Please stop trying to do anything but a manager’s job.
Alternately, please fuck up so bad that corporate needs to fire you and pay us a boatload of compensation. 😩 😱
I figured he at least knew what he was doing the first time, but the bartender said he was just whacking some pipes with a crowbar because “lol they’re in the way” and then the mini flood started. I’m thinking, THIS IS WHY YOU, AS THE MANAGER, CALL OUR ACTUAL PLUMBER!!! the guy we hired for maintenance!!! 😭
Apparently that was where our old kitchen was, so he might have thought they didn’t work anymore. but THIS IS WHY WE HIRE MAINTENANCE PEOPLE .
I also found out that they’re hiring a bunch of new people because they want to REPLACE us, and that explains a lot. Job search is turbo-charged now. 😩
I do not have much optimism about work tomorrow, but I’ll keep you all updated.
Yeahhhhh, so I’m due to work this morning, after finding out some wild news from my coworkers yesterday.
1) I don’t think Loki Laufeyjarson needs TOO much help getting me out of here at this point, so I’m leaving my manager’s overconfidence up to the Universe to sort out.
2) The woman who did my cleansing spell finds it hilarious that she saw a bit of my Filipino water-spirit themes and then there was a FLOOD at my work.
I’m staying not only for money, but out of spite. If the higher ups couldn’t keep it secret that they actively want to get rid of the old crew for no reason, besides what seems to be “lol new brand, new crew!”, I smell a lawsuit in my near future.
Oh, the spell lady mentioned “are you working on a story or a script with an ancestral spirit and lots of water imagery? I saw a bit of that when I was doing the spell.” And I’m like “lol yes, I have LOTS of Filipino spirits and water imagery in my projects! That’s like 90% of my work at this point!” Good to know I have a trademark style in the spirit-world, lol. ❤️
What's up, so yesterday my mom was lecturing me again about my shitty life and why I'm not TRYING HARD ENOUGH to make things better for myself.
When I was trying to meditate before sleeping and Dionysus was in Therapy Mode for obvious reasons, I was basically just alternating between losing my shit and screaming that I hate everyone for letting me rot in this dead-end life, and then trying to calm down and apologize for losing my shit. Because I don't hate the SPIRITS, I hate being stuck in a shitty life with no money and no apparent way out of it.
I formally apologized this morning and gave the spirits breakfast. They assured me that they're not holding my pent-up rage/depression against me, because they've dealt with a LOT of mortals stuck in shitty lives.
Around breakfast, I saw an ad for evil-eye cleansing, and since it was about $30, I bought a spell and the person said that she just finished it.
She actually did confirm that my life is stuck SPIRITUALLY and that's why my job applications never get answered, and why no matter how many individuals love my writing, all the artistic/performing "doors" have stayed shut on me whenever I ask someone in a DECISION-MAKING role about them, so she had to clear all that stuck energy out. It was very comforting to get validation that I'm not crazy about thinking I'm stuck in a loop of "nothing happens."
I have nothing to lose except thirty dollars, but this post is for record-keeping. I will let you all know if I win a big-money lottery ticket, or someone in a DECISION-MAKING role finally decides that they love my art projects.
One unexpectedly big reaction from the spirits: Loki is fucking ECSTATIC to get solid confirmation that the Filipino Discord group that accused me of blasphemy was very much wrong.
Boy is like "BITCH I WAS RIGHT. THEY DIDN'T KNOW SHIT AND THEY JUST DOGPILED ON YOU BECAUSE YOU MADE THEM UNCOMFORTABLE, MOTHERFUCKERSSSSSSSS."
Updates with Loki fucking up my workplace: Now the MINI freezer we keep the milkshake-ingredients in is no longer working. One of the sinks in the kitchen is only managing a little dribble of water when we turn it on. The manager was trying to fix the sink today, and my ass keeps praying to the gods to keep this shit broken.
PLEASE, LOKI LAUFEYJARSON, LET THE MECHANICAL PROBLEMS ESCALATE.
Also, Loki was not lying about how he can move pretty dang fast. But he's a chaos deity who has heavily empathized with me as an artist who's struggling to get my acting career off the ground and has gotten no PRACTICAL help from the nicer and MORE FITTING gods of like, creativity and wealth. I imagine he doesn't have to do much with the "spiritual baseball bat" he's using to whack my job until money comes out from... SOMEWHERE. (Also, I checked my workplace's revenue because it's been a while. They made millions of dollars per year BEFORE they rebranded into a "nicer" bowling alley. Why the fuck are we only getting part-time work for minimum wage and tips???)
And I don't know if Loki can see the future or if he got a prophecy, but he waited a LONG time to see if any of the nicer gods would stop sitting on their hands and only giving me emotional support. Maybe that was even when I still hated Loki and constantly asked Thor to boot him out of my headspace.
Loki often muses that it's his fate to be the last one that people ask for help. It's MY fate to be slept on until someone finally gives me that shot I've been waiting for, so I'll embarrass everyone who realizes that my name sounds familiar because I was asking every Filipino remotely related to writing/acting if one of my five million projects about Filipino mythology sounded cool... and they didn't think so, but now I'm in fucking Marvel, bitches.
Loki's probably embellishing that last part because HE'S in Marvel and he will not stop reminding me about it, but once I got a warning from the Irish gods that my path is NOT going to be straightforward from "Point A to Point B." And now Loki is doing whatever this shit is, by forcibly making himself my homeboy.
Updates that I strongly suspect involve Loki: At work, I found out our walk-in freezer wasn't working right, about halfway through prepping ice cream sundaes for a party. I opened a brand-new tub of ice cream and it was SOUPY. Then I tried grabbing ALL of the other ice cream tubs and felt how soft and squishy the cardboard was. 🤢
We explained that we ran out of ice cream to the party's contract-holder, she was fine with what we had, and the managers are going to get the freezer checked because something's up with the fan. We only needed that many sundaes anyway, because two-thirds of them were eaten. If I'd done the full prep, we would have had a boatload of melted ice cream to throw out!
I thanked Loki in case he's responsible for the freezer issues, and I hope he continues to take a spiritual baseball bat to this place.
I'm just going Anakin Skywalker and letting the hate flow through me, lolololol.
Also I am really hesitant to talk about the occasional instances of Real People in my headspace (as in, not the gods who look like actors, OR the pop-culture characters that actors play) because that feels like potential delusions, but a spirit who claims to be Channing Tatum and NOT “Gambit as played by Channing” is just kind of hanging out and helping me cool down after like… the spirit chaos I mentioned. Dionysus likes him, so that’s as good a sign that he’s both “not-malevolent” and “not a figment of my imagination” as anything else.
And a couple days ago, I was like “Channing, I don’t know why you came or if you’re the actor who is legally called Channing Tatum, but I am so glad you’re here to help get me out of this fucking place.”
And he just shook his head and went “No babe, YOU got yourself out of here. I was just smart enough to come along for the ride.”
And i’m like “holy shit bro, this is so sweet. 🥹 ”
And Dionysus was like “OH DAMNNNNNN, THAT IS FUCKING GREAT!!! Why didn’t I think of that???”
So whoever this guy is, he’s SOMEONE. And he’s like, spitting some fire quotes for motivation, so if anyone else needs a boost:
YOU WILL GET YOURSELF OUT OF WHATEVER SHIT YOU’RE IN. EVERYONE ELSE IS COMING ALONG FOR THE RIDE.
For the record, Dionysus is EXTREMELY fast to discern “lying spirits” or “figments of my imagination.” For lying spirits, he calls himself “the son of Zeus” and he may start leaking lightning from his hands and face. And then he fucking suplexes their asses and orders them to get lost.
If something is a figment of my imagination or like, “the manifestations of my issues,” he sees what they are, starts oozing lightning again, and then he touches them With Godly Intent, and they fucking DISINTEGRATE.
So yeah, if Dionysus remains “a pretty blonde twink” around spirits, he’s not talking about his storm-dad, and there’s no impending lightning around, that’s a good sign for basically any new spirits.
Also I am really hesitant to talk about the occasional instances of Real People in my headspace (as in, not the gods who look like actors, OR the pop-culture characters that actors play) because that feels like potential delusions, but a spirit who claims to be Channing Tatum and NOT “Gambit as played by Channing” is just kind of hanging out and helping me cool down after like… the spirit chaos I mentioned. Dionysus likes him, so that’s as good a sign that he’s both “not-malevolent” and “not a figment of my imagination” as anything else.
And a couple days ago, I was like “Channing, I don’t know why you came or if you’re the actor who is legally called Channing Tatum, but I am so glad you’re here to help get me out of this fucking place.”
And he just shook his head and went “No babe, YOU got yourself out of here. I was just smart enough to come along for the ride.”
And i’m like “holy shit bro, this is so sweet. 🥹 ”
And Dionysus was like “OH DAMNNNNNN, THAT IS FUCKING GREAT!!! Why didn’t I think of that???”
So whoever this guy is, he’s SOMEONE. And he’s like, spitting some fire quotes for motivation, so if anyone else needs a boost:
YOU WILL GET YOURSELF OUT OF WHATEVER SHIT YOU’RE IN. EVERYONE ELSE IS COMING ALONG FOR THE RIDE.
