When I was a kid I thought there were all these things wrong with me: mood swings, anger, and more. I actually spent a lot of my early adult life trying to cure myself through therapy and trying to medicate myself through drug use and wanting to end myself because of the feeling of powerlessness that came with, well, total loneliness and isolation honestly. An entire lifetime of it.
As an adult and a parent I understand a childās ability to have a stable mood and good behaviour relies on the way that their parents treat them. I actually had no control most of that time and so it wasnāt until I was an adult around age 22/23 that I got better. My brain was developed. I also got a ton of help from therapists and AA people.
Having selfish parents is extremely lonely for children and especially teenagers. I think I needed my mom even more then. I had so many new things to deal with socially at the start of my teens. I didnāt know how to navigate my friendships, emotions, disagreements. So I had very few friendships. I drank and smoked super early. I made some really good friends. Canāt deny that blessing.
But I worry about my step daughter. She has a lot of self hatred and shame and fears. Where do they come from? I know she wonāt heal from it all alone. I want more time with her. I fear she needs me and Iām not there. My heart aches for her.
I know her mom loves her and sheās safe. But I want her. I want her to feel free and to love herself. I want her to be able to tell me anything. I want her to release her shame.
