no really. its completely fine.
you did nothing wrong. i was wrong to ever trust you. my bad for believing you when you said you cared about me, when you promised you’d always be there. how silly of me to believe you actually meant any of the things you said- about the future, about us, and about me. i cared about you more deeply than youll ever know.
i just stopped liking to be around you. sure i had feelings for you, i’ll admit i still do. i stopped liking myself too, because i molded into the kind of girl i thought you wanted, hoping to decrease the risk of getting dumped and being alone. I drank, cuddled, spent the night, and kissed you. a lot. it wasnt that long ago that i hadnt even held hands with anyone. was that why we dated? was it some sort of game? get the innocent church girl to make out with you? you said you were scared to date me because you didnt want to hurt me. you worried like you couldnt control it. like youd “accidentally” break my heart. you knew what you were doing the whole time.
i know how to move forward when life takes a bad turn. i fall, i get up, wipe the tears off and i apply what i learned to whatever life has for me next. im sorry that youre undriven and you just allow life to happen to you. im sorry that youd seek out bad situations, if you werent in one already. im sorry that you dont think things through, or consider how your life affects people who are close to you.use your head every once in a while and start taking good care of yourself. if not for you, then do it for people who love you. how do you think i felt when you told me about all of the stupid things you were doing? i felt responsible. im sorry i wasnt a good enough example or a good enough reason for you to make good choices. i cant save you, even though i tried patching you up. just be careful, because your life has an affect on people who care about you. people like me. and i suggest pulling your head out of your ass before you lose everyone that actually gives a crap about you.
im sorry that i couldnt do more to help you. im sorry for trying when i shouldve just let you go. im sorry about always being there for you - picking you up when you were too drunk or high at 3am, for answering messages from you at night when alcohol had you desperate for a warm body to cuddle. im sorry for being too naive and caught up in emotion to see that youve never been there for me.
my life went to hell and you brushed it off and watched me burn. you were right, if only id chosen to be happy. If only id dismiss my tortured state of mind. you were never somebody i could talk to about that. you were just somebody who talked.
i shouldnt have ever kissed you, or stayed the night. i shouldnt have let it go on as long as it did. im sorry for pretending that everything was fine.
but mostly im sorry for the way things changed. what happened to the you from last year? what changed so much? im sorry we dont talk anymore. im sorry for all of my stupid puns. im sorry that i havent hugged you in weeks. im sorry that we havent spent real time together. im sorry that we went from best friends to people who dont talk.
i miss camping. i miss riding around in your car. i miss stargazing. i miss talking about music. i miss late night pizza and cheap donuts. i miss our jokes, and i miss your smile.
i miss the way you used to look at me, before you changed your mind about what you wanted.i miss not knowing what it was like to feel this awful. im sorry we let this happen to our friendship.
i dont want to see you or hang out any time soon, but if the you from last year shows up, tell him that i miss him, and be sure he knows that im sorry.