i really really wish i had the right to still be pitied
theres only so frequent your tears can be before itd start being less of an obligation and more of a needless daily chore for anyone to comfort you
i want to say "i miss being pitied" but i forget if and when i was ever pitied
like except for occasional things obvi
can i be honest with you. sometimes i try and exaggerate how normal i think my suffering is and how awful the things i go through are. bc i desperately want someone to think, oh christ, the fact you want to cry from this is more than valid, the things you go through are so much worse than you realize, you dont deserve this much pain
but like. nobody ever thinks that??? cuz my pain isnt as bad as others. so. its like. who even cares
this is probably yet another issue related to my childhood of constant meltdowns. i was never pitied. i can hardly remember the times ive been hugged and comforted through tears as a kid. what i can remember tho, and vividly too, is the time i cried on the bus on purpose bc i wanted a hug, i kept it up the whole way, i was expecting sympathy. but instead of a face of pity i got one of anger from her.
idk. none of you should even be reading this. iirc most of you guys following this vent blog are young. i am a grown ass adult relying on some kids to deal with my emotional baggage or whatever the fuck. just because i cry so much that its not even concerning in the slightest
and for what? honestly. for what. cuz i know there are times id rather it be treated as only a minor blip and not something worth anyone going out of their way for. what am i even doing, hoping for pity, when i already know that if i did find someone to pity me, id just push them away another time when im not as desperate for it. i cant just have both options. i should just suck it up and accept the lack of pity. thats already how things always go for me anyway. nothing new. but am i wording it that way to be genuine or just to get more pity points? ugh
idk. dont even answer that
i... admittedly did get some gratification at the very least out of the recent reactions of shock and displeasure at one specific aspect of my trauma,,, trauma? feels weird calling it that. doesnt 100% feel like it counts. bbbut anyway. i just,, idk again i have this weird tendency to hope that people will be horrified at what i consider normal. i guess i didnt think that was THAT normal but. it was still nice to like... have people actually worry about me?
whatever... again i shouldnt be relying on any of you. i got enough support for a week. i shouldnt,,, whhho am i kidding im just wording it this way to garner sympathy again arent i. is this greed? a genuine emotional void? both? neither? i think i should just stop typing already perhaps
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