Northampton Center for Couples Counseling

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Couples Therapy In Northampton, MA

Ongoing Support to Reach Relationship Goals

Knowledge

At the heart of our work is the Gottman Relationship Assessment, a comprehensive tool that looks at all of the facets of your marriage, your struggles, and your strengths. With it we’ll create a customized roadmap that is catered to your relationship’s unique needs and circumstances, giving you the knowledge and insights necessary to find your way back to each other.

Skills

You’ll gain real-life tools and skills that you can begin using immediately. And with your new skills, your conversations and communication will become meaningful, even when discussing “tough stuff”. You’ll find that you agree more often, work together, and get on the same page about your goals much faster.

Fun

Relationships can’t be all work, there has to be an emphasis on positivity too, so while it may sound hard to believe, you’ll also spend some time on the fun stuff. Part of the reward of doing couples therapy is that once trust and connection are solid, you can devote time to cultivating a sense of joy and intimacy with each other, to falling in love again.

Mastery

And you’ll become the experts of your relationship. We want you to know what we know. How to use cutting-edge research to connect, heal, play and love well. We’ll support you in becoming masters of your marriage, and we believe you can do it, we see it every day.

At NCCT, whether you attend couples therapy or a private couples retreat, you can expect to have predictable positive outcomes and gains.

Evidence-Based Couples Therapy Can Save Your Marriage

Many people widely accept couples therapy as a healthy, beneficial resource that maintains relationships in a good place for years. Most of our clients come here openly and willingly, knowing they’re taking action to create lasting, positive change. That said, a few clients unfamiliar to couples therapy have concerns, and we’d like to address those.

Some people, express concern that couples therapy might agitate things. After all, talking about problems can feel challenging to say the least. Especially when your relationship’s stuck in gridlock, or, when something extremely painful has transpired between you, like an affair or breach of trust.

We are committed to ensuring your therapy is reparative and healing.

You can expect to have conversations that emphasize productive communication, compassion, and empathy, and in doing so, cultivate the skills you need to succeed on your own.

Occasionally, one partner may be hesitant to attend couples counseling. They may be reluctant because they’re scared – perhaps they need your support more now than ever but feel they can’t ask for it.

We often see couples where one person initiates the therapy process, and they go on to thrive, equally invested in their partnership and dreams.

A few clients have asked us if seeking couples therapy indicates that their relationship might be broken or unfixable. We want to make it clear that nothing could be further from the truth.

Seeking couples therapy is a sign of health. Sadly, only 19% of couples seek help – and of those that do, couples therapy has an 85% success rate. In other words, the majority of couples who attend evidence-based couples therapy regain a happy, healthy relationship, with resources and tools to help them maintain it for years to come.

All relationships go through tough times, and all relationships have the potential to grow and benefit from the gains that marriage counseling offers.

Gain science-backed knowledge in all things Love. Learn what makes relationships succeed, what makes them fail, and (most importantly) how this applies to your relationship.

Couples Counseling Specialties

Every couple is unique and has a different set of circumstances. Within the work of couples counseling, or couples therapy, we have developed particular sub-specialties, based on what we know about these shared experiences and challenges. Your couples therapist will look at all of the different facets of your relationship, including any circumstances that are unique to you. Additionally, we’ll help you develop strategies for building understanding and for taking action where applicable.

Couples Therapy Areas of Specialization at NCCT include:

infidelity

marital crisis

LGBTQ relationships

trauma and relationships

ADHD and relationships

addiction and mental health issues

transitioning to parenthood

parenting through tough times

couples on the brink of separation or divorce

intimacy and desire

stepfamilies

bi-racial families

premarital counseling

dealing with aging parents

illness and caretaking

Click here to schedule an appointment.

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Optimize Your Online Experience

We sincerely hope you and yours are well as we continue to navigate this path together.

As you likely know, NCCT has shifted our practice exclusively to online therapy for the time being. While many clients understandably wonder if online therapy (a.k.a. telehealth) is as effective as face-to-face therapy, it’s worth noting the anecdotal evidence from many of our own couples who have been doing productive and beneficial online work with us for several months and even years. In addition, if you like to geek out on research, this study gives props to the benefits and efficacy of telehealth.

With this current adjustment in mind, we’re sending some tips on how to make the most of your encounter with online work.

5 Strategies to optimize your online experience:

1. If you have not yet done so, fill out NCCT’s online paperwork in advance to sidestep slowing down the therapy process.

2. Test your video and audio 5-15 minutes before the start of each session.

*Your therapist will send you an “invitation” to sign into SecureVideo, the HIPAA- compliant platform we use at the Center. Please ensure you have enabled the microphone and video capabilities on your device beforehand.

3. Find the best space to hold the session.

*As cute as your pets and kids are, they can act as unhelpful distractions for good therapy to happen. Finding a private place where you and your partner can share a screen behind closed doors is ideal, so you can really focus on your relationship as you would in our offices

4. Pay attention to details.

*Lighting, angles, and how you position yourselves matter. We want to be able to notice how you are doing throughout the session, and being able to see you well is important. Help each other out with this one. And, remember this important rule of thumb – dress at home the same as you would for the therapy office. We find it makes a difference.

5. Eliminate the competition.

*Please close all open tabs on your device before starting the session as these can slow down your connection and reduce the quality of the video and audio. In addition, competing internet users can impact the video speed, creating a blurry image or causing a total loss of connection. To avoid this, nicely ask other users to avoid streaming videos (i.e., Netflix, YouTube) during your session time.

We are working diligently to ensure you receive the skillful and competent support you’ve always expected from NCCT. Knowing we are in stressful times which can take a toll on couples, we are beyond grateful to continue serving each of you in this redesigned way of doing quality couples therapy.

Talk With An Expert.

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New space, openings (and more exciting news)!

With great excitement and joy, I’m writing to announce that NCCT has officially landed in our new post-pandemic home in downtown Northampton. The space is beautiful, filled with natural light and high cathedral ceilings, comfy chairs, and soundproofing (for your privacy). There is ample off-street parking and accessibility, and we are within walking distance of fantastic restaurants and the Hotel Northampton (perfect for retreat clients). If you have been waiting to attend couples therapy and want to meet with a therapist in person (though we continue to offer online services), now is the time!

This new space aligns with other important announcements, including the arrival of Erica Hinkley, MS, MFT, and the expansion of hours by JP Posnak, MA, LMHC, which means, for the first time in months, we have more openings. These slots will fill quickly, so please reach out to us to schedule your initial phone consultation, and we will be happy to connect you with a couples therapist (note, we do not have MBHP openings at the moment, but we are working on credentialling JP and hope to soon).

And finally, below is a sneak peek at our new digs (artwork and plants forthcoming).

Talk With An Expert.

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The Dance of Anger: Learning from Lerner

Couples therapists are trained to observe, understand and illuminate patterns of behavior, particularly ones that get us into trouble. Many of these patterns emerge when we attempt to regulate our nervous system (cope). Like Tolstoy’s famous quote regarding how unhappiness in families is unique to each family, we, as individuals, also function in uniquely unhappy ways to manage distress and conflict.

My recent reading of Harriet Lerner’s The Dance of Anger reinforced this idea. A classic, Lerner’s book was first published in 1985, and she was one of the first to propose that we over-function and under-function in our relationships. In a marriage, for example, one partner might be the financial decision maker, the other the follower, or the house manager and inhabitant. As Brent Atkinson states in Developing Habits for Relationship Success, mismatches often exist in couples; they are not problematic. Awareness of these patterns gives us insights and tools to get unstuck, particularly when our relationship is gridlocked.

Lerner’s book is subtitled A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships. However, the book transcends gender and elucidates the many ways behaviors within a relationship can be flawed. She speaks to the socialized tendencies in women to over-extend themselves for others, and the impact patriarchy has had on how we love. Lerner also gives excellent examples of where people succumb to automatic patterns of over-function and under-function. She provides thoughtful questions, research, and solutions to improve our understanding of how to be balanced in the ways we show up for each other (and ourselves). And though Lerner’s focus is on women, it’s important to emphasize these patterns are equally applicable to male partners and family members. I see men experiencing these patterns in my work as a couples therapist and in leading Men Helping Men, an men’s group devoted to the exploration and thoughtful discussion of matters of the heart.

Lerner’s text asks an essential question: Who is responsible for what?

As couples therapists, we might come close to dogma for relationships, but ultimately, what works in one relationship, might not work in another. So, as partners in a system, we have to decide what we are willing to take responsibility for. Our upbringing contributes to our handling dysregulation, boundaries, comfort levels, and more. Some of us will try to cope by shutting down (auto-regulating). Others will tend towards aggression and pursuit of our partner to help fix things. Ultimately, we tend to try to regulate stress and anxiety based on what we experienced in childhood—what we did or did not witness or receive from caregivers growing up. We play with power, dominance, caregiving, leading, following, reactivity, and proactivity in parent-child dynamics; sibling relationships; friendships, work interactions, intimate relationships, and more. But while our backgrounds create conditions, (fortunately) relationships are people growing machines. Awareness of how we dance with anger, anxiety, and other emotions contributes to how we inhabit our relationships.

Our behaviors are not who we are but what we do, which is a distinction worth investigating.

Lerner also discusses how emotional fusing (or anxious attachment) within families makes it difficult to take on others’ feelings (so we blame them for what we are feeling). She reflects: We begin to use our anger as a vehicle for change when we are able to share our reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing our feelings and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices and actions. She further relates that women are often taught the opposite is true; as I would argue, many of us are within dysfunctional family systems.

Lerner is excellent at emphasizing that reactivity is the enemy within relationships, not the feelings we experience. She encourages thoughtful processing of who does what when. And ultimately, deepening our understanding of our default positions in our over-functioning and under-functioning habits.

The more we are in touch with how we experience our roles and responses in a relationship, the more we can humanize ourselves and our partners. This increases awareness of our problematic tendencies and offers alternatives for more considerate, healthy, and improved ways of being in relationship. Lerner states that connectedness, empathy, and regard for others are healthy behavior in a relationship; the problem arises when we are excessively reactive to other people’s problems. She asserts that over-functioning can even block our partner’s growth. She proposes that we are prone to making countermoves—ways we adjust ourselves to achieve relational homeostasis, resorting to unhealthy behaviors. Per Lerner:

The single most important factor is not whether we fight or not; whether our voice is raised or calm; it is the growing inner conviction that we can no longer continue to over-function…When we do not put our primary emotional energy into solving our own problems, we take on other people’s problems as our own.

These ideas are essential to individual awareness and allow us to cultivate sustainability and connection.

Like what you have read? Join me in Men Helping Men. A forum where I am devoted to supporting men in broadening their emotional experiences and bandwidth, talking more about feelings without giving advice.

Talk With An Expert.

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My Experience with Men’s Groups

I remember sitting in an old classroom the first time I attended a men’s group. Over the years, I’ve been a part of men’s groups across the country, and each has had a different flavor. I was part of a support group in South Carolina after a breakup. It was an odd experience led by a gruff former Marine and utility worker who was strongly influenced by 12-step work but without clinical credentials. Progress seemed to rely on participants’ breakdowns. My other experiences in the men’s group contained more clinical oversight. Some included strong religious components, some focused on modern masculinity and the overall shifts in roles we might feel. None were as welcoming, intellectual, supportive, and sometimes lighthearted as my previous experience in New England.

This particular group was a product of the men’s movement of the seventies, which aligned itself with feminism. We started each group with ground rules and meditation. We spoke about anonymity, non-violent language, non-judgment, and more traits conducive to group cohesion. Some of the men, most of whom were in their forties, fifties, and sixties, had been coming for years. Some, like me, were younger adults (twenties and thirties) looking for answers, especially concerning relationships. Many of the men had been through divorce and had children. Some were navigating decades-old marriages. Some were in new relationships, men asking themselves, how did I get into the same ambivalent position again? They dreamed of more distant relationships or at least more time for themselves. Some were stoic and denied regrets. Some only talked about how they mishandled previous relationships or repeated their mistakes. There were tears at times. There was anger at times and dismissiveness about the demands of wives and girlfriends. Still, we always encouraged speech free of criticism.

The facilitators were skilled, grounded, and boundaries. If participants used violent language or began to give advice (another established no-no), they’d calmly and carefully redirect. They occasionally met with some men outside of the group to help them with questions about their work, relationships, and life obstacles. They might do brief check-ins with those whose participation waned. They welcomed new members, and they wanted to grow their circle. They especially wanted men of younger generations to join.

Many of the men discussed subjects that brought up shame. Things like finances, emotional imbalance in their relationships, and ways men felt victimized, burdened, and overwhelmed by the roles and demands their partnerships put on them.

These included the ways their wives wanted to connect and limit the time they spent by themselves or with other men. You might classify much of these discussions as an attachment to a dying patriarchal notion of relationships, manhood, and emotionality. Still, to the men in those rooms, they were real, substantive, worth exploring, expressing, setting boundaries about. And the discussions amounted to heartfelt questions about roles, conflict, and communication.

What is reasonable?

What is expected?

How can I overcome my fear of weakness or the appearance of weakness?

What isn’t sustainable about the way I’m showing up?

How can I have a meaningful life when I take virtually no meaning from my work?

How do I put my past aside to benefit myself (and my loved ones’)?

Some of these questions reverberated with me, and I was in a place of discernment with my relationship. The group helped me understand myself through questions, bits of wisdom, and encouragement for deeper consideration. I was there to test the objectivity of my perspective, and I came to conclusions that led me to leave my years-long relationship and even pursue a different career. These pursuits were matters of time, but the men’s group gave me the clarity, empowerment, and self-kindness I lacked.

In my “new” field as a psychotherapist, I have led groups on mental health, self-care, suicidality, substance issues, mindfulness, boundaries, family dynamics, and more. Groups are my preferred way to work. I feel a commitment, investment, and deference to the group. You go in each time, not knowing what to expect. It is an authentic present-minded experience and one that offers you essential and hidden versions of humanity: its expansive emotional richness. Group dynamics conjure feelings, talk, creativity, introspection, support, and an expression like no other experience I’ve taken part in.

There is magic in the give and take within sessions as well as within the energetic fluctuations of one meeting. Relationships can be created, destroyed, or even reconciled. Tangents can be explored and denied, and sometimes conflicts arise, deflate, and arise again, but so does mutuality. And that is generally the point. We are there to humanize and normalize one another. The space allows us to go to new places with vulnerability and support. Sharing, listening, and being present are acts of giving. They are existential ballasts.

My experience (both personal and professional) now leads me to create Men Helping Men. A dynamic, straightforward group committed to exploring relational topics, such as vulnerability, communication, intention, shame, accepting influence, differentiation, and more common themes and mismatches within relationships. I will use what I’ve learned from group facilitation and participation as well as essential elements from the work of the Gottman Institute, Stan Tatkin, Brene Brown, Brent Atkinson, Esther Perel, Terry Real, and others.

Are you a man feeling stuck, disconnected, or frustrated in your life and relationships? Join Patrick’s upcoming group, Men Helping Men, HERE.

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Men Helping Men

A private and open-ended men’s group devoted to the exploration and thoughtful discussion inspired by today’s leaders in relational wellness, happening Thursday 8 to 9:30 PM EST nights, online, March 2nd to April 20th.

Who it’s for:

This group is for men interested in gaining support and like-mindedness from those in similar circumstances. Does your partner complain that you are not communicative enough? Have you ever struggled with articulating emotions, depression, or feeling overall “numb”? Come join with fellow men going through similar life stages and relationship challenges.

Men Helping Men is an open-ended group that includes exploration and thoughtful discussion inspired by leaders in relational wellness. Each meeting explores different facets of what makes relationships successful (and what makes them not) and how these concepts apply to our world, voice, and hearts. MHM will also discuss essential topics like:

Vulnerability

Intention

Curiosity

Varied forms of empathy

Understanding versus problem solving

Independence versus togetherness (and other core differences)

Uncertainty

Shame

Differentiation

Accepting influence

Mindfulness

Drawing from evidence-informed theories from couples therapists and theorists such as Terry Real, Stan Tatkin, Brene Brown, Esther Perel, David Schnarch, and others.

What you’ll take away

You’re not alone. There are many traits modern men have in common, especially those committed to bettering themselves and their partnerships. This is not easy work, but it is worthwhile and will expand your skill set for your home, friendship, and working life immeasurably.

Highlights

Group cohesion is unlike anything you might have experienced before. The comfort and safety of a support group are life-giving, connective, growth-minded, and generative. 90 minutes a week for eight weeks might seem like a serious time crunch, but ultimately, you’ll find the time spent with the group will breeze by, and you won’t ever view group therapy in the same way.

Details: Date(s): 3/02/23 – 4/20/23 (8 weeks/recurring) When: Thursdays Time: 8 to 9:30 PM EST Where: Online Cost: $675

About the facilitator

Patrick has over a decade of experience as a group facilitator, including running a local open men’s group, a statewide crisis-stabilization unit in Tennessee, substance treatment, mindfulness, and more. He has served as a therapist for those with addictions and treats couples in all stages of relationship commitment. He is a LICSW with training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Gottman Couples Therapy, Brief Therapy, and more. Patrick is most passionate about encouraging discussion, not being the focal point: “The best groups are the ones where I say the least.”

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Premarital Counseling Retreat in Northampton

Don’t just plan a beautiful wedding. Plan a beautiful life.

1-Day & 2-Day Intensives for Couples Considering Marriage

Preparing for a wedding is a joyous time. There are bridal showers, cake testings and other important milestones. However, before you say “I Do,” consider the following points:

Couples who participate in premarital counseling are 30 percent less likely to divorce within the first five years, according to the Journal of Family Psychology. Also, according to marriage expert John Gottman, marriage therapy can have extra benefits when done in a state of positivity. It is from this state that couples can build on fondness and admiration, two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.

So, put those premarital “flutters” to good use, especially as you prepare for your vows and find yourself asking, whether consciously or unconsciously, questions such as:

“Will my partner join me in my quest for adventure?” “Will I still be able to achieve my professional goals?” Or the inevitable, “How can I ever promise to love this other person for the rest of my life?”

There is an understandable amount of trepidation associated with an upcoming marriage. However, with those concerns comes a great deal of hope.

As the adage goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Starting off on the right foot with your future spouse could save you years of heartache (and therapy) later on. One great way to do that is through a 1-day or 2-day premarital counseling retreat.

Just what is a premarital counseling retreat?

It is a private retreat that offers you and your fiance an uninterrupted window of time to devote to one and other. It will just be you and your partner, with an expert couples therapist all to yourself for an entire weekend.

No work. No family. No nagging to-do lists and no beeping gadgets (yes, you will be invited to turn them off!).

With the guidance of a couples therapy expert, you will have the opportunity to envision your life together consciously. To skillfully balance the wisdom of your love with research and practicality, allowing you to build a solid marital foundation from day one. And, you’ll do so in a manner that feels safe and allows you to take risks, to challenge assumptions and to learn and grow together.

You will get the feedback, counsel and knowledge of your therapist, a devoted expert who is seasoned, skilled and who sits with couples everyday.

You will also gain the equivalent of a full month worth of weekly therapy, concentrated into 1-2 days!

During a premarital counseling retreat with NCCT, you can expect to:

Walk away with proven, research-backed skills on how to keep your relationship strong and connected well past the “honeymoon stage.”

Gain the tools and understanding you need to feel like a true team working towards a common goal.

Receive a roadmap for your romantic future in the form of a Gottman relationship assessment. Deepening your understanding of yourself, your partner and your relationship…..

The secret is to attend a premarital counseling retreat with a therapist who is trained in the leading evidence-based models in couples’ therapy: Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). These models have the highest success rates of any couples therapy approach hands-down, and the Gottman Method alone stands out with over 35 years of research on more than 3000 couples.

We approach marriage full of hopes and dreams, offering the best of who we are in a spirit of generosity and good intention. While these dreams set the stage for beginning a life together – they are different than the strengths required to live a life together.

It sounds like a magic bullet, but it isn’t. Attending a premarital counseling retreat is hard work, and it can feel scary. But we assure you it is worth the investment and will transform your marriage and your life.

Not sure a retreat is right for you and your fiance?

We also offer weekly premarital counseling sessions. Click here to learn more about our weekly couples therapy and find out more about our team and what we can offer you. We also offer premarital counseling retreats and counseling for second marriages, blended families and more.

Want to learn more about our premarital counseling retreats?

Contact us, and our Retreat Coordinator will help you create a customized plan unique to your goals and schedule needs. She’ll even give you tips on fantastic places to stay and great places to dine while in the Pioneer Valley.

Best of all, once booked we’ll give you access to The Gottman Institute’s online Gottman Relationship Checkup, so you can begin your journey before you even arrive!

Take the first step and schedule your free initial phone consultation now. We promise to be in touch within one business day.

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Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Northampton, MA

John Gardner, MA, LMFT

He/him

“Going back to childhood, one of the things I’ve always thought was important was to be able to listen. If I can listen deeply enough to someone, I can get where they are, where they live, where they’re coming from. That alliance has always been the most important thing to me. If I don’t have that, I don’t have anything.”

John’s manner is understated and self-effacing, but his sharp wit shines forth after a few minutes’ conversation. What may take longer to reveal is the breadth of his knowledge and the depth of his commitment to the people he works with. John is not just talk. In his own quiet, understated way, he puts his money where his mouth is and is a fierce advocate for the power of commitment. Combining over 30 years of experience helping families and couples. In his personal life, John and his wife have raised six children, four adopted, and fostered 50 children. He has personal insight into how to make unorthodox families work and feels a lot of supposed children’s problems are to a large extent couples’ problems.

Services Offered: Couples therapy at NCCT home office and online couples therapy with couples that are residents of MA and international couples. Private intensive marriage retreats at NCCT and in Boston, NYC and LA.

Ask me about: My family

Ever since I was young, I’ve been: Reading, loving the outdoors, hanging out with different types of people.

My favorite quote: “You can be right or you can be married; but you can’t do both.” — John Gottman

Favorite kind of couple: Couples who want to work hard to heal – regardless of the level of distress they are in

Credentials

John is the senior clinician at NCCT, first hired at its founding in 2010. LMFT – University of Connecticut, School of Family Studies Gottman Method Therapy – Level I and II Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy – Certification Eligible Pragmatic Experiential Couples Therapy – trained by Brent Atkinson Additional Training in: Discernment Counseling PACT Level I Therapist

Talk With An Expert.

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Stay or Leave

Should I stay, or should I go now? If I go, there will be trouble. And if I stay, it will be double.

The Clash lead vocalist Mick Jones sings these words in the iconic 1981 punk rock song, “Should I Stay or Should I Go.” It’s the epitome of relationship limbo hell where the pain of leaving is unfathomable. Yet, the thought of staying is even worse.

Do you remain in a familiar hell, or do you run headlong into heartbreak? Neither option sounds ideal. To help you decide, a therapist may ask you questions like:

How much of your situation is caused by your partner?

How much of your situation is caused by you?

What about your situation, don’t you like? Would you find these challenges elsewhere?

What do you like about your situation? Would you find these strengths elsewhere?

How do you communicate your feelings? What reaction do you receive when you do?

You may be asking yourself how to save your marriage. While saving your marriage (or not) is a decision you make together with your partner, the decision to stay or leave is one you make on your own.

Here are some frequently asked questions (and answers) to help you make what can feel like an impossible decision.

Is it okay to want my partner to change?

One of the pervasive myths about relationships is that we should accept our partners completely for who they are and not want them to change. It’s okay to want your partner to change. Wanting your partner to change is not incompatible with love. It’s the work of love.

Love should be a classroom where people can mutually educate each other in a spirit of support and compassion. This does not mean trying to make your partner more like you. Instead, it’s about being skillful at how you educate and communicate with them.

Are you partnered with someone who is open to influence? How skillful are you at exerting influence?

Shouting orders and making unilateral demands is not effective. You need to be able to communicate in a way that optimizes your chances of being heard. This includes knowing how to exert influence, using soft-start ups, not making a big deal out of your partner being different. It also means not taking it personally if they can’t read your mind or have different ways of expressing love than you do.

If you’re spending enormous amounts of time (skillfully) trying to teach your partner and they still do not accept influence or show interest or concern, that’s a problem.

Have I tried everything?

We know from researcher John Gottman that the average couple waits six years from the onset of a problem to seek help. We also know from Bill Doherty, the creator of discernment counseling, that 12% of couples going through divorce are uncertain about whether or not they really want to divorce. That’s a lot of relationships and families that could have been spared.

How much pain have you swept under the rug over the years? Have you tried everything? No stone should be left unturned. Your relationship should be a place to learn, practice, and grow. Adapting this growth mindset could be a game-changer for the relationship. At the very least, it will change things for the better for you as an individual.

In her book Uncoupling, Diane Vaughan talks about the unspoken agreement many couples enter into. One person believes they are telling their partner they are unhappy in a million ways but never really comes out and say as much. In contrast, the other person senses their partner is unhappy but never really comes out and acknowledges it.

It’s a silent pact that, over time, turns into accrued negative sentiment. Ultimately, the relationship hits a tipping point where one person finally blows out or does something rash (like has an affair). Ask yourself how much you’ve communicated your feelings and whether you’ve done so in a way that increases the chances your partner can hear you versus responding defensively.

Am I holding my relationship to an unrealistic standard?

The Disney-produced idea of “happily ever after” has created an unrealistic standard in our society for romantic love. In a 2016 article for The New York Times, Alain de Botton argues that you’ll marry the wrong person, and that’s okay. He says we must abandon the idea that “a perfect being exists who can meet all our needs and satisfy our every yearning” because “choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for.”

The late Dan Wile, creator of Collaborative Couple Therapy, echoes this sentiment in his book After the Fight where he writes, “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.” If you’re expecting a relationship free from conflict and suffering, you may need to adjust your expectations.

Might there be something I am missing?

According to the fundamental attribution error, most of us are prone to a bias that makes us blind to our faults and hyper-aware of our partner’s. This means we can’t see the forest through the trees. We are inclined to think the problem is the other.

Brent Atkinson calls this Misplaced Assumption of Overall Blame. It correlates with John Gottman’s idea that contempt is the belief your partner is more flawed than you. We make assumptions that are often fueled by going to “thirds,” like friends or family who side with us, not knowing the whole picture. If you are missing something, you may very well act in ways that ultimately sabotage your relationship and/or yourself in the process.

What if I repeat the same mistakes in my next relationship?

It’s common to worry about repeating the same mistakes in your next relationship. What if the alternative is actually worse instead of better?

Look for themes in terms of places you find yourself in again and again. By the time we hit a certain age, most of us have a sense of where we fall short and struggle and where we are strong. Mistakes in a romantic relationship are not so different from mistakes in other relationships. For example, if you fear being assertive, that is likely to come up in other relationships in your life.

You don’t have to repeat the same mistakes. There are concrete tools to help you get unstuck, learn new behaviors, and improve the quality of connections in your life. If you do the hard work to learn and grow, it will benefit you as a parent, colleague, and partner—regardless of whether your current relationship endures.

Am I making a terrible mistake?

It’s also normal (and natural) to second guess your decision. If you stay, you may have regrets and grief about what could have been if you left. But if you leave, you may have regrets and grief about what could have been if you stayed.

There’s no wrong or right decision. Sometimes in life, we must choose between two torments. Recognize that there comes gain and loss with staying, and with leaving, there comes gain and loss. Take a hard look at yourself and ask, “Do I like who I am in this relationship? Do I have regrets? If I focus just on areas where I am falling short (for my partner, myself, my children), what would I need to change?”

Part of love is grieving the relationship you fantasized you would have with your partner and leaning into the relationship you do have. It’s about seeing what’s there with grace and humility. In grieving what you’ve lost, you make room for the new, for possibility, and for potential.

As Brené Brown says, we can write our stories instead of having our stories write us. There is the option to own how things go, to do love and life versus be done by it. So should you stay or should you go now? Ultimately, you have the power to choose.

Like what you’ve read here? Sign up to receive our weekly posts filled with heart, concrete tools, and cutting edge resources via my blog: Loving Well.

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Online Therapy for International Couples

Live outside the United States? No problem.

Our licensed experts work with couples all over the world.

If you’re an active duty service member, veteran, Foreign Service Officer, Peace Corps volunteer, teacher, or otherwise American expat living abroad and you’re seeking 100% secure virtual couples therapy from a licensed expert, you’ve come to the right place.

Living overseas as an American comes with its own set of unique cultural and relationship challenges, including:

Frequent transitions and moving

Difficult quality of life

Living far away from family and friends

Stress about safety

Isolation and loneliness

Language differences

Your couples therapist must be able to understand these challenges that come with navigating life abroad. In our online therapy for overseas couples, we take the time to get to know you and your partner, assess where you are getting stuck, and help you develop strategies to break down barriers and move forward.

We will help you deepen your understanding of what is causing distance or fighting and teach you how to grow through conflict. Online couples therapy is particularly effective in working with international couples and the issues you face because we effectively come to you, wherever you are in the world.

We are committed to providing 100% secure online counseling worldwide.

How does international couples therapy online work?

We offer weekly 90-minute sessions between 8 AM and 9 PM EST. We will send you an invitation through a secure platform for your online couples therapy appointment. All you have to do is have a private place to meet virtually every week. You bring your thoughts, feelings, and needs. We’ll bring our expertise in couples therapy, online therapy, and working with international couples. Together, we’ll create a deeper, more meaningful connection for you and your partner.

What are the advantages of online therapy with NCCT?

We work with the time you have available and save you the hassle of finding an expert near you. You don’t have to drive to and from appointments so that you can get farther, faster with us. All this makes it easier to see your therapist regularly. We know from research conducted by The Gottman Institute that regular couples therapy is a major key to success. When you do the work regularly, you get better, sooner.

You have many, many options for online therapy. We believe couples therapy is an expertise, and one we take seriously. You wouldn’t go to a general doctor for a heart condition. When you work with us, you are choosing the leading experts in couples therapy.

Are there disadvantages to international online couples counseling?

Any therapy can have possible adverse effects, and online international couples therapy is no different. Before we meet with you online, we will talk to you to better understand your needs to ensure you are a good candidate for online work. Also, you’ll need a good internet connection and a computer with a webcam to make sure we can talk as easily as possible.

At NCCT, our therapists are well-versed in the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and other leading couples therapy methodologies. More importantly, we are also passionate about supporting couples living abroad, helping you and your partner build bridges toward one another that are rooted in love, respect, and understanding.

When is online couples therapy not advisable?

Online Couples Therapy is not recommended for you if you or your partner are struggling with:

An undisclosed, ongoing or recent affair.

Serious violence in your relationship, threats of serious violence, or fear of serious violence on the part of one or both partners.

Untreated, diagnosable mental illness (bipolar, psychotic disorders and major clinical depression), not including past and successfully treated mental health conditions that are currently stable and/or in remission.

Suicidal or homicidal thoughts, or a history of serious harm inflicted on another person

We look forward to supporting your relationship. Click the button below to schedule a free consultation today.

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Online Therapy For United States Couples

The world is changing rapidly with COVID-19, and we are changing with it. The Northampton Center For Couples Therapy is here for you by providing online couples counseling to support your relationship during these challenging times. Even better, if you live in Massachusetts, your health insurance is now required to cover telehealth due to COVID-19. As for NCCT, we will offer you the same cutting edge therapy we always have, from the comfort of your home or office.

Why Online Couples Therapy?

NCCT recognizes that finding a good couples therapist in your community can be challenging and that there is a strong need for couples therapists trained in evidence-based modalities. Simultaneously, due to COVID-19, the option to meet with us in person is temporarily on hold.

Given this, online couples counseling can be a lifeline for your relationship – offering you and your family support at a time of great duress and uncertainty. Telehealth now provides you with the resources to stay connected, affording you access to our specialized team and services from the convenience of your home.

As experts in our field, we are committed to supporting you and your relationship via online therapy. With a variety of options to choose from and tools that you can use at home – we’re here for you.

"I can think of no better group for focusing on couples work and the needs of couples. Their approach is compassionate, informed by cutting-edge research and evidence-based practice."

When is Online Couples Therapy Not Advisable?

Online Couples Therapy is not recommended for you if you or your partner are struggling with:

An undisclosed, ongoing or recent affair

Serious violence in your relationship, threats of serious violence, or fear of serious violence on the part of one or both partners

Untreated, diagnosable mental illness (bipolar, psychotic disorders and major clinical depression), not including past and successfully treated mental health conditions that are currently stable and/or in remission

Suicidal or homicidal thoughts, or a history of serious harm inflicted on another person

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Relationship Counseling In Northampton, MA

Ongoing Support to Reach Relationship Goals

Knowledge

At the heart of our work is the Gottman Relationship Assessment, a comprehensive tool that looks at all of the facets of your marriage, your struggles, and your strengths. With it we’ll create a customized roadmap that is catered to your relationship’s unique needs and circumstances, giving you the knowledge and insights necessary to find your way back to each other.

Skills

You’ll gain real-life tools and skills that you can begin using immediately. And with your new skills, your conversations and communication will become meaningful, even when discussing “tough stuff”. You’ll find that you agree more often, work together, and get on the same page about your goals much faster.

Fun

Relationships can’t be all work, there has to be an emphasis on positivity too, so while it may sound hard to believe, you’ll also spend some time on the fun stuff. Part of the reward of doing couples therapy is that once trust and connection are solid, you can devote time to cultivating a sense of joy and intimacy with each other, to falling in love again.

Mastery

And you’ll become the experts of your relationship. We want you to know what we know. How to use cutting-edge research to connect, heal, play and love well. We’ll support you in becoming masters of your marriage, and we believe you can do it, we see it every day.

At NCCT, whether you attend couples therapy or a private couples retreat, you can expect to have predictable positive outcomes and gains.

Evidence-Based Couples Therapy Can Save Your Marriage

Many people widely accept couples therapy as a healthy, beneficial resource that maintains relationships in a good place for years. Most of our clients come here openly and willingly, knowing they’re taking action to create lasting, positive change. That said, a few clients unfamiliar to couples therapy have concerns, and we’d like to address those.

Some people, express concern that couples therapy might agitate things. After all, talking about problems can feel challenging to say the least. Especially when your relationship’s stuck in gridlock, or, when something extremely painful has transpired between you, like an affair or breach of trust.

We are committed to ensuring your therapy is reparative and healing.

You can expect to have conversations that emphasize productive communication, compassion, and empathy, and in doing so, cultivate the skills you need to succeed on your own.

Occasionally, one partner may be hesitant to attend couples counseling. They may be reluctant because they’re scared – perhaps they need your support more now than ever but feel they can’t ask for it.

We often see couples where one person initiates the therapy process, and they go on to thrive, equally invested in their partnership and dreams.

A few clients have asked us if seeking couples therapy indicates that their relationship might be broken or unfixable. We want to make it clear that nothing could be further from the truth.

Seeking couples therapy is a sign of health. Sadly, only 19% of couples seek help – and of those that do, couples therapy has an 85% success rate. In other words, the majority of couples who attend evidence-based couples therapy regain a happy, healthy relationship, with resources and tools to help them maintain it for years to come.

All relationships go through tough times, and all relationships have the potential to grow and benefit from the gains that marriage counseling offers.

Gain science-backed knowledge in all things Love. Learn what makes relationships succeed, what makes them fail, and (most importantly) how this applies to your relationship.

Couples Counseling Specialties

Every couple is unique and has a different set of circumstances. Within the work of couples counseling, or couples therapy, we have developed particular sub-specialties, based on what we know about these shared experiences and challenges. Your couples therapist will look at all of the different facets of your relationship, including any circumstances that are unique to you. Additionally, we’ll help you develop strategies for building understanding and for taking action where applicable.

Couples Therapy Areas of Specialization at NCCT include:

infidelity

marital crisis

LGBTQ relationships

trauma and relationships

ADHD and relationships

addiction and mental health issues

transitioning to parenthood

parenting through tough times

couples on the brink of separation or divorce

intimacy and desire

stepfamilies

bi-racial families

premarital counseling

dealing with aging parents

illness and caretaking

Click here to schedule an appointment.

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What to Do While You Wait for a Couples Therapist

Getting in with the right couples therapist can make or break whether your relationship thrives or withers. Given that, finding a couples therapist who checks all the boxes is non-negotiable. So, as you search for a couples therapist, I encourage you to ask important questions, like:

How much experience do you (the therapist) have with couples?

What specialized training and certifications in couples therapy do you have?

Do you use models (approaches) that are evidence-informed?

What percentage of the clients that you treat are couples (versus individuals)?

How long have you been working with couples?

And you will want to be looking for one answer: Experience. Experience. Experience.

I encourage you also to pay attention to your gut and whether or not you like the therapist (their personality, vibe, tone). Mutual rapport is critical and should not be underestimated.

Lastly, while you wait to find the right couples therapist, know there is a ton you can do. Here are my recommendations to get you started:

Educate yourself.

Now more than ever, there are fantastic resources to support you in making positive changes and cultivating tools to improve your relationship struggles and get unstuck. Books, podcasts, apps, and videos are available digitally, and many offer advice and information that is game-changing in love when you take the time to learn and apply them. Here are some of my favorite recommendations; gems I turn to repeatedly. In the meantime, if you can’t wait, send me an email, and I’d be happy to share a suggestion or two.

Be flexible.

Often, you can get into therapy more quickly if you can commit to a day slot (evenings are in much higher demand). Likewise, not all therapists accept all insurances. If you can pay out-of-pocket (or submit to your insurance for reimbursement), you will expand your options of therapists that you can see. When you inquire about couples therapy, make sure that you let us know if/when and how you can be flexible. We will note it and do our best to find you a therapist based on this information. I assure you, if you can provide us with multiple options, we will be able to offer you more choices.

Be open to alternative forms of help.

Before COVID19, most couples contacting NCCT were only interested in weekly in-person couples therapy. It was familiar and what we felt comfortable with. Other options, like online couples coaching and one-off marriage intensives, seemed less legitimate, and we were skeptical. Since then, we’ve learned a lot—there are many ways to improve and facilitate change in your relationship besides attending couples therapy (as helpful as it is).

For example, we offer one-off 4.5-hour mini-intensives that, for many couples, can be just what is needed to get support regarding a particular issue. These mini-intensive are often easier to get in for, and they pave the way for you (and your partner) to do a portion of couples work while you pursue finding a couples therapist.

Take a class.

When I first created my signature digital class, Crisis to Connected, the central question I kept landing on was whether or not a digital course could help people with relationship challenges.

Could an online class be as helpful as therapy or support couples in therapy by speeding along the process?

I pride myself on offering highly practical, doable, and well-researched services. I was aiming for a product that was affordable, accessible, and would act as a catalyst for couples in crisis.

In the meantime, know I’m holding you in my thoughts, and please give me a shout if you have a question or feedback.

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Being Alone in Your Marriage Is Not The Same as Being Alone

I’ve heard it repeatedly — friends, clients, and family members telling me that their marriage was lonely and sexless. That they were alone for so many years while partnered that they don’t need (nor want) to devote a window of time post-breakup or divorce to flying solo. This seems to infer that being alone in their marriage affords them a pass from being alone single and allows them to bypass devoting a concerted window of time post-breakup to being on their own.

And every time I hear this, it never feels felt quite right. It gets stuck in my craw and wears at me like a piece of gravel in my sneaker. My mind grapples with the meaning of these statements. With what it says about how we as a society view living solo. With how we perceive singlehood and people who choose not to partner. I bristle because implicit in these comments are values, biases, and fears. It’s fraught with stereotypes and myths, and most importantly, it misses the mark — that being alone in your marriage is not the same as being alone and single and that this is an important distinction to make. It reminds me of people who say they were single parenting while their partner was away for a weekend, that parenting without their partner home was a piece of cake. It’s misguided and inaccurate.

Being alone in your marriage can be profoundly painful, much worse in my experience than being single. Nothing quite compares to the dull and constant ache of having your partner, someone perfectly capable of giving hugs and helping with laundry, sitting lifeless in the next room, coming home clueless from work, walking past you like a ghost. The presence of a loved one in our proximity who does not respond to our aches, needs, and desires amplifies existential realities we often turn to others to alleviate. Realities like we are born into this world alone, and similarly, we will go out alone — that the birth canal and the delirium of dying are individual endeavors, no matter who will hold our hand, nurse us or greet us in the spirit world.

I can still remember a day when my then-partner was sitting on the couch, not even ten feet away from me. I was cooking and accidentally burned my arm by spilling chicken broth. I remember how I cried out and recoiled from the hot liquid that seared my skin, how I heard the continuous clicking on his laptop keyboard while he stared blankly at the screen and did not acknowledge my pain. It’s an extreme example, but you get the gist, we rely on others, our partners, to be there when we need them and when they are not there for us, we feel more acutely alone than we ever would if we were on our own.

But here’s the deal, if you leap from a lonely marriage into a new partnership with no break in between, you miss something that I believe is essential — the opportunity to have a relationship with your adult self and to fall in love with life on its terms. In my experience, the most enduring way to tackle loneliness is through cultivating a relationship with solitude. But sadly, when I go to the thesaurus to investigate solitude, I find words like emptiness, isolation, confinement, loneliness, and wasteland; therein lies my point. We live in a culture that conflates solitude with loneliness; we do not make a nuanced distinction between the two; we are crude people when it comes to words. Something as simple as defining solitude gives way to our cultural fears, biases, and very understandable human vulnerabilities. There is power in language. It can permeate our thoughts and weave a spell, have us stumbling blindly into the arms of another where we expect things will be different, and maybe they will be — for a while. But as any Gen Xer should remember, when Luke Skywalker pulled off the mask of Darth Vader in the Cave of Evil, Luke saw his own face, not Vader’s. Translation: Swapping out partners still brings you back to yourself.

The reality is, it is not either/or. Relationships teach us much when we let them, as does solitude. There is a sweet spot in between serial monogamy and desolation. It requires us to devote a balanced and ample window of time in both relationship and solitude. I’m speaking to the tendency of most American adults to favor the first camp and avoid the second — to treat singlehood as the ugly stepchild adopted only when external circumstances thrust it upon us. I’m offering encouragement that if you commit to spending a minimum of a year alone, the universe may reward you ten-fold. That you will feel as if you have a superpower. Like the unavoidable realities of life: Heartbreak, disappointment, difficult people, and loneliness are no match for your newly found courage, and that this is akin to flight — freedom of spirit.

I’m aware that what I’m advocating for is unpopular. I get the genuine human need for connectedness and touch. I am a couples therapist; my alliance is to love and commitment. I am also a fifty-two-year-old woman, and as such, I have lived many lives. I have felt the bliss of new love and the solid, steady reliability of a twelve-year marriage — the dependability of someone who will notice if I go into cardiac arrest one afternoon, who can pick up medicine if I am home sick with the flu. I have experienced being a single mother and sole provider, laid in my bed at night with my baby girl in my arms while ice pellets pummel my roof, the power out, no heat but the warmth of our bodies. I’m not the first to wonder if my beloved would poison me and certainly not the last to feel the sting of love gone wrong.

I’ve felt the terror of running headlong into heartbreak more than once, and sometimes I’ve lept, and sometimes I’ve cowered. Though, if I’m to be honest, it’s morphed into it’s a hybrid move, a cower-leap sort of thing.

There have been predictable moments of tenderness, sorrow, terror, joy, and emptiness in each lifetime I’ve lived. What I take away is knowing that cultivating a relationship with oneself is necessary if we wish to embark on the lofty ideals of modern-day love. That mutuality, domesticity, and intimacy — relationships functioning as “people growing machines” are possible. But that they demand of us something far more complex than the nuclear families of our parents — unions rooted in gendered roles and pragmatic resignation to the mundane and the terrible. I hold out hope for the former and shun the latter. I am a believer in modern love.

When my last long-term relationship ended in 2019, I committed myself to spend an entire year single. That year morphed into two-plus years with the onset of COVID19 and the challenges it brought to dating. During that time, I watched no less than six friends become separated, divorced, and re-partner. I’m truly happy for them and genuinely wish them the best. Still, I’m acutely aware that I bring my own biases, and sometimes I feel that I’m in a bind.

* * *

I’m in the business of selling health. As a couples therapist, I err towards preventative medicine versus managing symptoms. I’m more like the doctor promoting eating well and exercise than the physician who hands you a bottle of pills to manage Type 2 diabetes. Sometimes, I feel like people no more want to hear a couples therapist touting the merits of solitude than they want to see a dentist and get a root canal. And it’s OK to re-partner right after a breakup or have a series of flings (I’ve been there), but please don’t claim you get the Fastpass because you were alone in your marriage, don’t trick yourself like that. Say it feels good, say you are afraid, horny, or lonely, say anything (but that) because they are different types of aloneness and can’t be swapped out.

And if you are looking for guidance about what to do if your relationship ends or wondering how to heal best and not repeat the same mistakes — to be fully present for your children as you navigate divorce. Not surprisingly, my recommendation is to stay single for a good long chunk of time. Hang out with every facet of you, with the full catastrophe of living. If you are heterosexual, partake in gender-bending roles that your partner once did. Spend a holiday alone. Have sex for one. Laugh and cry and laugh again. I promise it won’t kill you. And in time, you’ll come to trust that if you shout holy hell at the heavens, a voice will answer (call it the universe or call it yourself), and you’ll understand that you never have to be alone again — in a partnership or singlehood. That the soul-sucking aloneness that nearly killed you has a foe and that your superpowers are there for you — they were all along.

* * *

Are you on the fence about whether to stay or leave your marriage? Do you feel you have tried everything but still feel trapped in relationship-limbo-hell? Join me for my free webinar, Is My Marriage Worth Saving? I will be offering it on three different dates in October and will be available to answer all of your questions, including options for working with me.

Talk With An Expert.

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What Can I Do Instead of Couples Therapy? (Here’s an alternative)

Contrary to what many marriage therapists will tell you, couples therapy is not rocket science.

In my couples therapy fantasies, everyone would attend couples therapy for preventative and wellness care. We’d see couples for a quick tune-up and send them on their way. Marriages on the cusp of catastrophe or locked in years of gridlock and loneliness would be a rare occurrence. We’d be more like primary care physicians who emphasize wellness than cardiologists who do open-heart surgery.

But those are my fantasies, not reality.

The reality is the average couple waits six years to seek marriage counseling from the onset of a problem. That everyday relationship challenges like bumps in communication and differences in spending habits metastasize. Cracks turn into chasms, and trust erodes. Love rarely dies from one swift blow. It more often fades (think death by a thousand cuts) slowly over the years. When COVID-19 hit, it created a national mental health crisis, and this crisis was not unique to individuals; it hit families and couples—hard. For the first time in 10+ years, people calling my center routinely burst into tears when we told them we had no openings—that the wait for a weekly therapist was indefinitely long. Desperate spouses reiterated intake after intake that they were hitting a wall—that most couples therapists were not even returning their calls, and they feared there was nowhere (or way) for them to receive help.

So I set about doing what I always do when I feel I’ve hit a roadblock. I scratched my head and took a deep dive into creative brainstorming. I got to work.

What (if anything) could I offer couples on the brink and people who can’t attend couples therapy? Is it even possible to digitally provide a quality, impactful and meaningful service that benefits failing relationships as much as marriage counseling; or, even better, a private couple retreat? I was skeptical for sure.

Ultimately, I landed on the idea of creating my signature (digital) class, Crisis to Connected (C2C). I knew from the get-go I had my work cut out for me as I was determined that the course hit multiple benchmarks (I’m a stickler for quality); otherwise, I’d be wasting people’s time and money (and my own).

As I gear up to launch Crisis to Connected again, I’m more excited than ever. C2C continues to improve each time I teach it because I enhance it based on the feedback I receive from C2C students every time the class ends. I can confidently say that C2C is the most comprehensive program for helping you break free from gridlock and crisis in your relationship and in supporting you with better communication, deeper connection, and repair that sticks.

Why?

C2C is Interactive

As a relationship expert, I built C2C to be interactive because you need to have a relationship with me to trust me. In my experience, couples who trust me are more likely to do the hard work and improve their relationships. It’s my job to earn your trust, and I do that by showing up wholeheartedly, with my humanity, skills, humor, knowledge, and passion for helping people to love well. Plus, my relationship with you allows me to create the best digital class possible by keeping a pulse on your unique needs and situations. The last thing I want is to have C2C be another cookie-cutter online class; for you to feel alone during an already lonely time. I built C2C to be a pillar of support, with me as your guide as you navigate the class materials and exercises.

Additionally, I’ve designed each module (there are seven) to be released weekly: one at a time. And every week, I devote a third of the 90-minutes in each class to live Q&A. Plus, I’ve discovered a fantastic tool called Videoask. Videoask allows you to send me a message (via video, audio, or text) and for me to respond (via video, audio, or text). The communication is “asynchronous,” so my responses are personalized, and there is a back and forth quality to the interactions. Through Videoask, I offer supplemental relationship coaching to the weekly modules and where to go from here feedback.

C2C is Customizable

Some of us are visual learners, and some of us prefer audio. Some people like to take deep dives (I’m in that camp), and others want to sample or handpick what they need and disregard the rest. For this reason, I built C2C to cater to a range of people, styles, and needs. Whether you are flying solo due to a reluctant partner refusing to attend couples therapy or want specific guidance in healing from an affair, the class has modules, resources, and tools to support you. You can take what you need and save the rest for later.

Lifetime Access

Nothing frustrates me more than spending money on a class only to find out I have access to it for three months, and then it’s gone! Once you pay for C2C, you have lifetime access to it. Including Videos, modules, homework assignments, resources, worksheets, and your complimentary copy of Developing Habits for Relationship Success, Brent Atkinson’s groundbreaking book on how to end gridlock and empower yourself (and your partner) to get unstuck and heal from betrayals.

C2C is Affordable

I built C2C to be affordable. Couples therapy (even with insurance benefits) can cost well over a thousand dollars. Private retreats (due to the nature of skill and time involved) start on average at $3500. C2C covers everything you would get in one year worth of therapy or private intensive(s) with me. Plus, the cost of a failed marriage is immeasurable. C2C is $975, including everything: Videoask coaching support for the entire duration of the course, 7 Modules, The Ultimate C2C Relationship Resource Libary, a personalized copy of Developing Habits for Relationship Success, Worksheets, Exercises, Downloads, and more.

C2C Emphasizes Quality Over Quantity

There is a reason I only offer C2C two times a year, which is the same as why I don’t have a collection of couples therapists scattered all over the US. It takes years for me to train a solid couples therapist. NCCT comprises a handful of phenomenal relationship experts we’ve handpicked based on talent, brains, life experience, and a passion for helping couples through tough times.

The reality is if I produced C2C for the masses, I would not be able to offer much of what makes it exceptional. Things like supplemental relationship coaching via Videoask and Atkinson’s Developing Habits for Relationship Success workbook. Most importantly, I would not get to know you or be able to customize each class to meet your needs and requests.

C2C is Private

When your relationship is struggling or in crisis, you feel vulnerable. Even if you don’t succumb to the stigma inherent in a culture that romanticizes couplehood, it is understandable to crave privacy while working through the tough stuff. To want to avoid suffering unnecessarily from the angst that you will bump into a neighbor or colleague virtually. To want to protect your children from more information than is good for them when things in your marriage are uncertain and without resolution. Given this, I’ve built C2C to provide you with total anonymity. You will be able to see me, interact with me, and participate in discussions, but you can opt to keep your face and name confidential and any correspondence we have. Because even though C2C is a relationship class, I treat it with the same privacy standards I apply to all healthcare information, not because I have to, but because I get that your privacy is essential.

(Most importantly) C2C is Hopeful

I believe that couples therapy is not rocket science; that the field of marriage therapy sometimes takes itself too seriously and under-emphasizes the power and potential inherent in every individual and, in turn, every couple. With the proper tools, knowledge, and practice, you can have sparks flying from your fingertips that are game-changing in love and that you never have to set foot in a couples therapist’s office to accomplish this if you are committed to the work. Relationship wellness is doable, and C2C is the most comprehensive roadmap if you are stuck in relationship-limbo-hell or crisis. That’s why I have C2C students offering testimonials like:

“This online course resulted in more breakthroughs in understanding my partner than years of therapy had previously accomplished.”

If your relationship is in crisis or stuck in gridlock, or you are on the fence and unable to decide whether couples therapy, a private retreat, or a digital class is right for you, consider attending my upcoming webinar, Is My Marriage Worth Saving? I am offering it three times in the coming months. Plus, there will be a live Q&A with me at the end of each discussion.

Talk With An Expert.

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On Chronic Ambivalence and the Torments of Uncertainty

Last December, on the heels of teaching Crisis to Connected (my signature course for couples trapped in gridlock), I found myself pondering a question posed to me by countless clients.

“How do I get out of chronic ambivalence?”

Before I attempt to answer this question, let me state what chronic ambivalence is not. Chronic ambivalence is not the common uncertainty typical in the early months of dating when we vet our new partner and aim to discern compatibility and shared values. Similarly, chronic ambivalence is not hanging out in relationship-limbo-hell. A term I’ve coined that refers to the painful space we find ourselves in when our marriage, once solid and strong, has morphed into a full-blown crisis and is hanging by a thread.

Instead, chronic ambivalence is that painful stuck place where your relationship perpetually seems too good to leave but too bad to stay. You feel unable to move forward because each option holds potential and peril. Like a funhouse mirror, your marriage continually reflects distorted possibilities. In one hopeful scenario, your partner takes the initiative by scheduling a babysitter, planning a date, wearing that red dress you love. In another, your partner dismisses you out-of-hand, says they’ve no interest in going for that walk, fails to greet you at the door. It’s insidious.

I remember almost twenty years ago when I got accepted into graduate school to pursue my master’s in psychology; this was (in theory) a seemingly positive opportunity that promised a better and more affluent life. But as the deadline neared to accept the enrollment invitation, slowly, my mind began to compile a list of pros and cons. On the one hand, my twenties were plagued by a feeling of being continually under-employed and equally underestimated. Despite the academic struggles plaguing my youth, my young adult self felt confident I had something to offer this world: street smarts, dedication, talent.

On the other hand, a graduate degree would cause me to incur an additional fifty-five thousand dollars in debt. A whopping sum for a would-be artist in the eighties. This, for a degree that fell entirely short of the income-earning potential of my peers who were enjoying the fruits of master’s degrees in engineering and computer science.

Ultimately, I kicked the can down the road for two years by deferring acceptance and then went about the next twenty-four months, agonizing over what to do — stuck in chronic ambivalence. This pattern of tormented uncertainty is not new to me. I spent my thirties conflicted over whether or not to pursue motherhood. More recently, at the ripe old age of fifty-three, I have been grappling with what it means to choose the lifestyle of romantic partnership over singlehood. It seems that I have an aversion to either/or scenarios constitutionally; I seek refuge (but also hideout) in the gray zones of life. I suspect I am not alone, given how many people approach me on this topic.

As a couples therapist, my mind gravitates to pondering the implications (and manifestations) of chronic ambivalence in the arena of romantic love. How does chronic ambivalence show up in a marriage? What is the toll it takes on a relationship over the years? Is it a devil’s deal, where one person settles for crumbs while the other gets to feast on their cake and eat it too? Or, are there exceptions — periods when chronic ambivalence is the wisest or healthiest stance to assume?

There’s no magic eight-ball you can shake that will tell you whether to stay or leave your relationship. Every couple is different. Unless we are painfully naive, each of us comes to love with equal doses of hope and hesitancy; this is normal and even okay. Where it gets problematic is when you feel chronically stuck in between hope and hesitation. When you choose the relationship, but not the person you are in a relationship with. You show up daily, but it’s a half-hearted kind of showing up; a maybe I can do better kind of showing up.

The truth is remaining chronically ambivalent is a choice. And since choice at its best involves being aware of pitfalls, I’d like to put forth some thoughts I’ve compiled regarding the potential implications of choosing to perpetually never choose:

Chronic ambivalence tricks you into thinking you can avoid loss, but make no mistake, loss is coming. No matter how long you idle in neutral, eventually, something will shift, even if it is not of your own volition. Even if it is because your partner has grown tired of being high-centered, trapped in a relationship that never gets traction. In that sense, chronic ambivalence is a trick you play on yourself. You tell yourself that if you don’t choose option A, you can still have option B, but you never come round to its fruits because you never choose option B. Instead, you bounce back and forth between the two like a pinball avoiding the gobble hole.

Chronic ambivalence is a form of choosing to stay the same instead of choosing to get better. Allowing (or perpetuating) yourself never to take action may feel familiar and, in turn, seem safe; the reality is that this preemptive stance will hit an expiration date at an undetermined time. And that expiration date will likely occur less thoughtfully and potentially be more destructive than if you acted with volition and proactively made a choice. Because while there is wisdom in not being rash or choosing a partner thoughtlessly, like all things, you’re aiming for a sweet spot, and that sweet spot is not keeping a loved one on hold for years while you decide if their snoring or loud chewing are dealbreakers.

Chronic ambivalence allows you to think you are keeping all options open when the reality is you are narrowing your choices. Think about it; if you go to a restaurant and keep sending back the food, will you ever be satiated? Keep doing it enough, and will the chef even want to cook for you? If you’re going to have a healthy marriage, that requires showing up for the whole mess (and magic) of it. Not handpicking the pieces you’d like or trying to customize another human being. I’m not saying you can’t make requests or (skillfully) assert influence. I’m just saying that nobody wants to be on probation post: nuptial, baby, living together (you get the gist), and that having half-a-marriage comes at a cost far greater than the perceived gains.

Chronic ambivalence is inherently lacking in mutuality — a bedrock for healthy relationships. By nature, chronic ambivalence is unfair. When one person is committed to the relationship during the good (or bad), and the other leans out (or in) depending on how the wind blows, resentment is bound to follow. This means that if you are giving yourself wholeheartedly to a half-hearted partner, it may fall on you to shift things, insist on mutuality, or leave.

Chronic ambivalence is hurtful to be on the receiving end of (so intentions do not matter). It does not matter if you think your partner is a good person or you want-to-want to be with them. Continuing to give your love tentatively while simultaneously benefitting from your partner’s commitment to you may ultimately land you with a spouse who is shutting down and increasingly turning outside of your marriage to find fulfillment or connection elsewhere because being on the receiving end of chronic ambivalence sucks (even if you are nice as pie about it).

Chronic ambivalence is, by nature, a low-commitment stance that erodes trust. It’s normal to have what Gottman calls comparison-level alternatives. Those moments when you compare what you have to alternatives you don’t. To ask yourself, am I happiest with this (job, town, school, etc.)? The problem is when you continually do that in regards to your partner (who I will call option A) and land on something other than them (option B) and, despite that, continue to show up (often feebly) in a relationship where you quietly fantasize (at least part of the time) about leaving. Your partner knows this, senses it, even if they never utter a word — trust me.

Chronic ambivalence is a way to avoid living the repercussions of your actions. As long as you don’t leave your relationship, you don’t have to navigate the fallout and grief from severing a marriage. Likewise, as long as you remain half-hearted, you don’t have to work through whatever your blocks to intimacy are. You continually bypass vulnerability, a byproduct of showing up. It’s a safe way never to live, which leads me to the next point —

Chronic ambivalence is a waste of life because you essentially put days, weeks, and likely even years on hold. You are showing up half-heartedly for love (and life) — it’s a lukewarm way of living in the world, and this world is never a given; it could end in the blink of an eye. Do you genuinely want to spend your days stuck in maybe?

Breaking out of chronic ambivalence means choosing to run headlong into heartbreak because, ultimately, I think there are some things we can never know. Most poignantly, we cannot know the trajectories of choices we will never make. Roads not taken are landscapes that we will never travel. There is grief there for sure. When you pick a partner, you choose a set of problems and a set of qualities that you (hopefully) find endearing. You say goodbye to other possible lives: the lover who was more artist than scientist, the girlfriend who valued spark over manners, the guy who dreamed of five babies and a farm. Each is a ship that sailed, and part of grace is gently waving them on, then turning towards where you’ve staked your heart — the bounty before you — and opening up your arms.

Chronic ambivalence = sometimes you must choose your torment. Ask yourself, what is the worst that will happen if you throw yourself entirely into your relationship? And likewise, what is the worst that will happen if you cut your losses and leave? Chances are both scenarios will result in considerable pain and a handful of gains. It’s been my experience that sometimes, chronic ambivalence is an outgrowth of that truth, that hurt is coming, and you are trying to thwart the inevitable. Still, avoid as you might, you may be forced to choose the lesser of two considerably painful choices, which gets into gambling because the truth is —

Chronic ambivalence is all about risk (and your tolerance of it). Loving is not for the faint of heart. Eventually, if you love, you will find yourself facedown in the arena. There are blood, sweat, and tears to be had. Critics (maybe your partner, maybe your own) shout from above. And ultimately love involves loss, no matter how long it lasts, because someday, somehow, someone must go, and nothing is permanent, no matter how much we will it so (and lord knows I’ve willed it so).

So I try to take that in when I struggle with chronic ambivalence in all its manifestations. I try to remember that I have little choice concerning if I will get heartbroken but some semblance of control (on a good day) in how I get heartbroken. It’s a sober reminder that even love on a dull day, a hard day, and a lonely day is a gift. That risk is inherent in being alive, and that love is a courageous and powerful life-stance even when we choose to walk away from it because sometimes that’s the most loving thing we can do.

Are you on the fence about whether to stay or leave your marriage? Do you feel you have tried everything but still feel trapped in relationship-limbo-hell? Join me for my Free Webinar, Is My Marriage Worth Saving? I will be offering it on three different dates in October and will be available to answer all of your questions, including options for working with me.

Talk With An Expert.

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The Emotional Lives of Men

I’ve been thinking a lot about men in relationships.

About how challenges like work, marriage, and parenting affect our lives and our hearts. As I gear up to launch the Northampton Center for Couples Therapy’s newest men’s group (Men Helping Men), I upgraded my knowledge base and read (and listened to) some fantastic books and podcasts devoted to supporting men.

In my previous post (My Experiences with Men’s Groups: Sitting Down and Opening Up), I mentioned I was an active participant and facilitator in local men’s groups for several years. This work is not new to me, but I am revisiting it from a different lens now that I am a licensed social worker committed to supporting men in relationships via my expertise in couples therapy because men —as fathers, sons, and husbands —matter.

Two books I came across (and was impressed by) include Levant’s Masculinity Reconstructed and Farrell and Rosenberg’s Men at Midlife. What stood out to me about both resources was the amount of emotionality, sensitivity, and mood swings boys experience before adolescence. Some research even suggests that boys are more sensitive, feeling, and moody than their counterparts. Meaning culture plays a significant role in replacing emotionality with the appearance of strength (or lack of vulnerability), leaving men with more responsibility and a simultaneous deficit of consistent emotional advancement.

Translation: we (men) sometimes don’t recognize our emotions or the emotions of others. It’s worrying because the research shows that when you can’t identify a range of feelings, you are likely to have significant relationship challenges, like increased anxiety around any emotion (yours or others). Plus, those closest to you might also feel this anxiety (because it can be inherently anxiety-producing to be in the presence of another anxious (or angry) person).

In Levant’s book, he writes about men’s devotion to work and their emotional withdrawal as tough challenges men are up against. And in Men at Midlife, the authors observe men going in several directions in their lives and careers, including into dysfunction. Much of this dysfunction includes emotional immaturity, where men rely on their partners to detect and satisfy their emotional needs. And men often don’t look for answers themselves or meet their partners with emotional curiosity. In his research, John Gottman found similar results, including a high incidence of crankiness, insulting exchanges, and the repression (or even suppression) of stress. Agitation can also stress your body (think headaches, nausea, chest tightening, and other unwelcome symptoms). So our emotional development makes us and those around us (especially our intimate partners) stressed and avoidant or less likely to be vulnerable and communicative and more likely to experience stress in mind and body.

As a couples therapist, I see this first hand. Men often need help to identify feelings beyond basic emotions. Levant urges men to increase self-awareness, expressiveness, and empathy to enhance their relationships. Martin Lemon, a psychologist, and researcher outside of Chicago estimates nearly half of American men have no confidant, meaning they don’t discuss their emotional lives with anyone. This is astonishingly sad and hard to believe. In our culture, loneliness is a problem all of us must reckon with, but women tend to have more friends, closer friends and are more likely to keep their friends over a lifetime.

Relationships factor significantly into Farrell and Rosenberg’s categorization of middle-aged men’s growth and a sense of purpose. The authors suggest that we are generally not doing a great job emotionally. They also highlight patterns of working too much and over-concern with finances and external, quantifiable, unreliable measures of success. We men need to realize that we matter, and more so that we are wanted. The authors discuss the roles of acceptance, stagnation, expression, openness, isolation, and control, and how they play into the roles of men and strongly affect relationship and employment patterns and overall views on success and fulfillment.

I have a practical example of how this might manifest. When my wife was pregnant, I checked my email excessively. I responded to emails constantly, putting in more time than I ever have (probably 60 hours a week). There were many ways I couldn’t help her —with her nausea and physical pain and extending general empathy around pregnancy. I wanted to, but I didn’t know how. My mind leaped forward to life with a baby too often. Caught up in the future, I alleviated stress and exercised control through endless engagement with work by phone and laptop through email, text, spreadsheets, and electronic records.

My wife recognized my increased commitment to work, and I had to take notice, too. It was becoming intrusive. I did not realize it at the time, but this increased focus on work was my way of upping my productivity, claiming a role, cultivating my irreplaceability, exerting control, and being effective while simultaneously becoming emotionally ineffective and lacking presence and availability. What saddens me most is that I realized too slowly my most significant role was as a partner.

The above observations clarify the role of men’s groups and reinforce the importance of their role in helping us sort through our common issues together.

I have always found the company of other men enriching, satisfying, and deepening. I believe that bonding, friendship, and overall emotional wellbeing can be had in the company of other men and that it’s a pretty brave stance —especially, as we come out of this intensely isolated time and channel our courage into connecting.

Join me in Men Helping Men where I am devoted to providing a forum for men where we can broaden our emotional experiences and bandwidth and talk more about feelings without giving advice. Experiences like this are essential, they normalize connection and are a potent antidote to shame and other sticky emotions. through vulnerability and knowing agreement. It can motivate us to bring better parts of ourselves to those we care about as well as to validate the ways we feel about our identities.

If these subjects appeal to you, email Patrick to discuss the group.