Dear -
I cannot get out of my minds eye the way you looked that night - the way you looked at me, the look in your eye - the first night you dressed - cross-dressed, wore the wig/makeup - for me, for you, for usā¦
You - as you, as you are now, most of the time - are as guilty as any man of the faults of a man; the unconscious privilege, the talking over, the gentle violence of a thousand courtesies. But - although - I have been with men, with women, young and old - I have never seen what I saw in your eyes that nightā¦
Why was it so special - sweet, unique, miraculous - what was it that I was seeing? Iāve been teasing apart that night - I cannot release it - that look, your face, your eyes - over and overā¦
And now, I recognize it - I recognize, think I understand - that look. It was the eyes of a girl - true feminine innocence, innocence Not lost, a true abandon, a real and tangible receptiveness - wrapped in the soft crows feet of experience - and desireā¦
No man you have trusted has taken your body for granted, no son has torn you, no lover has met your gifts with scorn and violence. Your power is not diminished by allowing yourself to be taken. You did not need not protect, grasp or cauterize - the scar tissue has not built up - yet.Ā I have not seen that look since I saw it go, when my innocence was unlearned. No woman is softened by experience, she is hardened. I could never let myself be so openā¦
I know you are used to being the protector and provider - but I cannot now help wishing, in some way - I can protect that girl I saw in your eyes - I cannot un-see her now. I understand - feel, canāt help but think - somethingā¦ I have taken - you have given - me a sort of virginity. Thank you for your gift. I treasure it.
