“I had help–” Mary started, brushing a hand against her cheek to try and dry her tears, but it was no use. “Anna and Mama… the three of us moved him. Even still, it was not easy.” A little morbid of her to say that, but it was true. Hefting around dead weight– literally– was taxing, but Mary also carried the weight of her shame along with it.
Felt something for him? Lust and love interchangeable? Was he out of his mind? “Of course it matters to me, Matthew! I love you– anything I could have possibly felt for Mr. Pamuk isn’t even a fraction of the things I feel for you.” Mary admitted, laying her feelings bare for the first time, feeling raw and vulnerable at her admission. “I was intrigued by him– a passing fancy that burned out when he–” Her mind raced back to that day, the way he’d shoved her roughly against the bookcase, his mouth demanding and forceful against her own.
Swallowing thickly, she listened as he insisted that she not base her worth on this act, but how could she not? If her time in London had proven anything, it was that most already knew the rumor, it was a wonder Matthew had not heard it. She did not deserve him– the fact that he had not tossed her to the curb was evidence enough of that.
“He came into my room while I was reading– unexpected, not even a knock.” When had her hands started trembling? Twisting her fingers together, she shook her head once. “And when I threatened to scream, he said it would do no good… it would still cause a scandal, he was in my room after all. So I… I went along with it, I didn’t know what else to do.” Few times had she felt cornered in her life, but the ordeal with Pamuk had truly left her between a rock and a hard place, and she’d hoped perhaps if she’d just gone along, there wouldn’t be a scandal. That once he’d taken what he’d come for he’d leave her alone– she should have just screamed and risked it then, perhaps none of this would have happened.
matthew saw the tears now falling from her face . truly this AFFECTED her more than she was able to withstand . && how she talked of it like this weight literally kept a present hold of her . he stared for a moment as she seemed to muddle through the messes of her thoughts before speaking again . telling matthew that she loved him && she never felt a fraction of what she did for mr pamuk as she did him . well , at least that was a small COMFORT . given that he had been down these roads before , had been forced to give up before . he knew that he wasn’t the most dashing - mr pamuk certainly had been . enough to obviously sweep him under the rug when he came to visit .
swallowing his SADNESS , he stared as mary garbled through what had happened that night , then something inside matthew switched . he had heard these cases before . many women had come to him looking for HELP , but given that he was more dealt in matters involving farms , he could not help them . it was more prevalent within kitchen staff && married couples already , && through that the law was never truly on their side no matter how wronged they were . yet he still knew the weight that it carried .
‘ mary , ‘ he said slowly . ‘ you say WITHOUT your consent ... ‘ he chose his words very carefully . ‘ mr pamuk forced himself into your room && you let him because it would have been easier to though you yourself did not want it ? ‘ he drew himself to height again && sighed. ‘ mary , what you are describing is that of a RAPE . ‘ he told her carefully .
he moved closer to her , hands reaching out to her trembling hands , closing around them carefully && holding them tightly . ‘ i don’t FORGIVE you . i don’t need to . there is nothing to forgive . ‘
