your local waitress' rants & raves

I bus your table, make your espressos, and sway your table into ordering things that won't piss off our chef. All names have been changed to protect their respective identities.

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Hey Big Spender

Don't tip me 10% and then ask if I'd like to grab drinks with you. You look like a fucking asshole.

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I don't like to waste, ok?

This weekend there was a conference in town that a particularly large group of foreigners attended. As a result, I’ve had a lot of French customers last night. One of them was particularly memorable: Me: Sir, would you like to take that home with you? Young Frenchman, with thick accent: -scoffs with disdain- Ve are not American! Ve do not take zis things home like you do. ……… Oh… uhhh ok.

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waitress: what would you like to drink

me: the blood of my enemies

waitress:

me:

waitress:

me:

waitress: is pepsi okay?

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How come all you women have the same sickness?

Chef, in response to one of our servers trying to ask a question before he was finished talking. 

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Somebody brought in a $1000 dollar bottle of wine today to be opened. Needless to say, I was not the one opening it. 

Who has that kind of money?!

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The Second Best Thing.

Yesterday a lesbian couple came in for dinner; my state just recently passed the same sex marriage bill, so the manager and I are guessing it might have been a celebration dinner. 

I was only working as a server assistant last night, so I didn't get to interact with them as much. However, the few moments that I did were lovely. They were such a glowing couple.  At the time I was mising their table with second course silverware, they stopped me and said "Actually we're sharing." 

It's not a big deal for me to give the other person a steak knife as well, but the look they shared as it was said was so heartbreakingly adorable. 

After they left we found a note on the back of their ticket that said "Bavette steak, tater tots, wilted spinach, and bearnaise?! ...It's the second best thing in the world, after gay marriage."

ADORABLE. What a great way to end the night. Their note is stuck to our board behind the bar.

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That awkward moment...

when you come across one of the VIP restaurant patrons on Facebook, and you suddenly know more information about him than is comfortable.

Also, he is significantly older than you, and wants to take you out "in the worst way possible". Right...

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At least now I know we both like Caravaggio and Takamine guitars.

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Shit Servers Say

"...I forgot to put in their food!"

For the record, I do not stick my fingers in people's drinks. Or blow my nose on napkins and put them back. Nassstyyyy

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10% may be good enough for god, but it's not for me.

If you cannot (or will not) tip the now STANDARD 18-20%, take your fucking ass home.

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YES STANDARD IS 18-20%. THANK YOU.

If you give me 10% I'm going to assume that I was a terrible waitress, so don't give me those smiles and tell me I was wonderful when your tip doesn't reflect that.

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Record!!!

So we've been participating in Restaurant Week, winter version. It's been crazy, but the everything has been really smooth because of our great staff. It also helps that our menu is helping the kitchen streamline the entire thing.

Well.... let it be known that this Saturday, January 28, 2012: we broke our record of 99 people. With 111. In a restaurant that seats 34 people at a time. BOOOOO YEAAAAAAA

And every single person left happy. Since i was working the bar tonight, I did my own little turn of 12 tables. It was insane, but my tip average was 23%. kasdlflgfsa which is AWESOME for a night of amateurs.

We broke out the champagne to celebrate.

It's 4am. I am so tired.

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My boss treats me like an object more often than ever treating me like a person.

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while i was standing there peeling rabbit ears, i realized how small i am in the universe

One of my Bosses on a particularly trying Saturday night. 

They may fuck like rabbits but their ears were chopped off and served up for our second Gastronaut Dinner. 

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Perks to working in fine dining?

Meeting the President of a local extremely prestigious art gallery.

Cons? Being too nervous to make any networking connections

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Where I work, the owners seek salespeople moreso than servers. Over the summer, when the restaurant was still only a few months old and quite understaffed, I began learning the ropes of what it takes to work in a semi-fine dining establishment. 

A lot of restaurants will try to upsell your table, that's how they make the most money. The server's job is not only to make sure you enjoy yourselves and entertain a customer's every whim, but also to help the restaurant make the most money it possibly can. At our restaurant, another job is added: consolidation.

When a server makes an order, he wants to see 3 ducks! 2 fishes! EVERYTHING MUST BE THE SAME. Basically, he hates tables that must share everything, if such an order is put in, it's called a library.

I am fantastic at ordering libraries, there are so many great options on the menu that sell themselves. How could the customer NOT want to order one of everything?

Guess how I got demoted from server....

I mean... why would you put out a menu that you overwhelms you?

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I'm an employee at an casual fine dining establishment in a little ol city out somewhere in the States. Some days I'm a waitress, other days I'm a "bartender"*, but lately most days I'm the server assistant. Everyone I work with is crazy in some way, and you kind of have to be in order to survive in the environment that my job creates. 

I deal with crazy bosses that may very well be bi-polar, dates that do nothing but fight, and crraaaazzzy coworkers that make the restaurant more than interesting. It's a love/hate relationship. 

But I'm learning everyday.

*And when I say bartending, what that really means is "minimally serving and lots, and lots of glassware to clean. We're BYOB, and don't actually carry any alcohol. Our bar is a "mocktail" bar.