Not Really A Poet

Some poems I wrote to vent. Just wanted to post them some where, even if they’re never seen.

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

It’s when the gnawing pain in my stomach makes me nauseous

And feeling like I’m raw and open

Exposed to all

.

It’s when I feel every eye on me even when there’s no one around

And thinking they’re watching and waiting

For failure

.

It’s a shortness of breath and a pressure behind my eyes

And knowing there’s a scream stuck in my throat

Suffocating me

.

It’s feeling powerless and helpless and hopeless

And being stuck in my own mind

Needing an escape

.

It’s everything

And nothing

And I can’t

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

You left me with the words in my mouth

With the fire on my tongue

.

You left me with the hole in my chest

To completely come undone

.

How dare you start this raging fire

That burns and sears with no trace

.

How dare you suffocate me with my fury

And leave me with no safe place

.

The fumes you make are toxic

The words spew are poisonous

.

I am burning alive in my anguish

And suffocating with each emotion

.

As the smoke rises

And the ashes fall

.

I wonder where you’ve gone

And if I ever knew you at all

[insanewordsmith09]

Human rights and equality is not a question of opinion.

Human rights and equality is not a question of politics.

Human rights and equality should be given and never questioned in the first place.

Stay safe, show support, you are loved, you matter and if you are not being heard RAISE YOUR VOICE.

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

You said I could count on you

But you won’t take my side

.

You said you would be there for me

But I can’t find you

.

You promised to protect me

But I’m alone

.

You raised me

Then deserted me

.

I’m an adult

And eventually I’ll be fine

.

But the truth remains

You lied

[amargedom]

Daily reminder!

[thesigilwitch]

I was just about to spiral into a bad panic attack, and my boyfriend goes "Stick an ice cube in your mouth." I'm not really sure where he got the idea, and I kinda laughed at it because I didn't see how it would help, but he was insistent. So I did it.

And now I'm on my second cube, because it worked.

[thesigilwitch]

He explained his reasoning to me when he got home.

1. I would initially think "what the fuck" and be distracted from the anxiety. (Correct.)

2. The cold of the ice would shock my system, bringing me back to the physical world and reality, drawing my focus to the cold in my mouth, and keep my brain away from thinking "I'm panicking, I must be dying." (Correct.)

3. He assumed I hadn't drank much water today and wanted to keep me hydrated. (Triple correct.)

[pigeonwithaknife]

It also forced your mouth to make saliva!

When you go into fight or flight mode, non-crucial body functions stop working so you have more energy to do what you need to do to survive (oooor to spiral into a panic attack). By forcing yourself to make saliva it helps calm you down because since fight or flight is an all or nothing response, they can’t happen at the same time.

Learned that from my old therapist, who would use it with veterans with ptsd

[queer-papayas]

I’m doing this right now and its working????

[autumnsnuggling]

THIS! Do this!

Anxiety is an emotional thing BUT there are feedback systems in place in your body that pay attention to physical states as well, which is why you then experience raised heart rate and so on when anxious. Eliminate or confuse one feedback system? Reduce anxiety.

Go be free!

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

I haven’t tried this yet, but the logic is sound, so I’m just gonna leave this here in case anyone wants to try it.

[bnmxfld]

It had been a long day, and I don’t mind saying that I cried a little bit. There is nothing wrong with crying at the end of a long day.

Lemony Snicket (via bnmxfld)

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

I can usually tell when a rough day is coming.

I actually cut alot of people out of my life that cause my bad brain days and it’s helped. Without them to trigger my bad days I can almost pretend to be normal.

This doesn’t mean I’m suddenly better, and that bad days don’t still happen, because they do. What it does mean is that I get a little more breathing room between bad days. I guess I’m lucky on that front.

Still, I can usually tell when a bad day is coming because I get annoyed more easily. I become more agitated and, quite frankly, I get meaner.

I try not to be mean in general (this sounds like I’m patting myself on the back and honestly I’m rolling my eyes at myself). I do alot of smiling and pretending that things are okay.

It’s why I started writing poetry, even though I don’t think I’m any good (now it sounds like I’m fishing for compliments, but I’m not, promise). It’s also why I created this blog. I needed a way to vent my emotions and I don’t want most of my irl people to know what goes on in my head.

But every once in a while a bad day just sneaks up on me and overwhelms me and I just can’t breathe.

Honestly, it sometimes feels stupid to have a broken brain. My life isn’t bad, and I sometimes feel I have no right to my emotions. Which is stupid because people are allowed to feel what they feel, and mental illness is real and it doesn’t care what kind of life you have, but it’s also the reason I feel this way. Does this make sense? I’m not sure.

Now I don’t want people to know what’s going on, but that stupid mask won’t stay on and I’m tired. So here’s a mini rant I’m typing out in hopes that I’ll feel better.

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Oh no, it’s a bad day

Oh no

Oh no

Oh no

...

My gut is turning

Wrenching, pulling

...

My heart is heavy

My brain is rotting

...

I can’t breathe

I can’t get control

I can’t,I can’t,I can’t

...

I’m spinning

Drowning

Flailing

...

Stop... stop... stop

...

Oh fuck, not again

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

the voice in your head telling you over and over that you’re better off dead and that things won’t get better is wrong. it’s flat out wrong.

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Today is not your day

Tomorrow’s not looking good either

.

It’s gonna suck

It will be really bad, until it’s not

.

You are allowed to feel bad

You are allowed to hurt and cry and deal

.

There’s always tomorrow

There’s always a new day

.

Take your time

You’ll be fine... Promise

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

I am having a bad brain day...

[bookmania]

Happy New Year everyone! More love this #2020 <3

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Happy New Year Everybody! Let’s make this year our year!

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

.I’m rolling my eyes

.At your poor ol me’s poor ol my’s

.I’m biting my tongue

.At your feel bad for me sighs

.

.You stub your toe

. My eyes roll

.You’re oh so pitiful

. I think I see my skull

.You have to work

. My tongue bleeds

.You’re oh so busy

. It may fall out of my mouth

.

.You want everyone to feel bad for you

.So you put on a show

.Your the ringmaster of this circus

.And the show must go on

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Adulthood has its clutches in you

“But I don’t feel like an adult.”

It doesn’t matter

“I’m not ready.”

Too bad

.

Hurry little one life is passing you by

“But I haven’t done anything yet.”

There’s no pause button

“I need more time.”

Too bad

.

“Okay, I’m ready to live now.”

But you’re all out of time

“There’s so much to do though.”

I warned you

“But...”

.

.

.

-Time Flies

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

Above My Own

You have been ranked above me

Your feelings more important

In my quest to be kind

I’ve been told I shouldn’t mind

So you are ranked above me

And my feelings are redundant

Now I’ll put on my mask again

Smile real pretty again

And remember

Everyone’s feelings are above my own

[not-a-poet-n-i-know-it]

. Intrusive thoughts

“Nobody cares about you.”

“You are worthless.”

. Irrational feelings

“Everybody hates you.”

“You are good for nothing.”

. Untrue statements

“Nobody will miss you.”

“You are a waste of space.”

. My mind is a mine field