I’m almost positive I had a breakthrough of some sorts today. I can’t even call it a weird chain of events, because really only one thing happened that made me think about things a little more in depth. and then i was folding laundry and listening to music, and because of you by Kelly Clarkson came on, and all these emotions came rushing at me.
So the songs pretty cheesy, ya’know, can’t do any thing out of the ordinary without feeling something because of you. but. realistically, she’s not saying things that aren’t true. How often do we let something effect us so much that we change the way we do things. Walk around with our head down to avoid eye contact, stop going to a certain place just to make sure that there is no chance you’ll run into someone, all these things. I didn’t realize that i did them. I didn’t realize how much that song actually meant, until i sang it out loud today, and couldn’t keep going because i was more busy trying to hold back tears than trying to hit the notes that Kelly Clarkson can hit haha.
*sigh* alright. i guess this is the part where i talk about said reason because of you punched me right in the little box of emotions i have. I never talk about my past like this. I try extremely hard to keep whatever has caused me pain or heartache or anything, in the past, where it belongs. i don’t want to think about them ever again. i don’t want to sit around and mop and dwell on these emotions that i once had control over, and now it’s almost to late to do anything about it. or so it seems. but also, while i’m writing this, i’m realizing it really isn’t just one. It was one person, and then another, and another. It’s like they played off of each other, or maybe i let them build on each other to break me down.
so here goes nothing. years ago, and i mean years ago. i was...i don’t know what i was but i can’t come to call myself a victim. and i don’t even know why i cant. any who. I, like most other human beings, put my trust in to someone, who i would then later find out, would break that. And he didn’t go off running telling people things about me, or my secrets or breaking friendships or whatever. He took advantage of me, of how young and dumb i was. and the worst part is that for so long, i didn’t see it. i didn’t see it until it was almost too fcking late. At first it all seemed very innocent, picking up my friends and i from school, taking us to the mall, to the movies, out to eat when we got hungry. innocent, right?! and then things got weird. he let me drive his car, then he tried to hold my hand, and it didn’t help that i fcking froze. like a god damn icicle. froze because someone was holding my hand and i didn’t want it. but i didn’t know what to do. i was fcking 14. what if i ended up stranded. maybe i put up too much information on my AIM away messages, or maybe my friends were just nice enough to tell him what i liked. i dont know. but now he’s showing up at my house with my exact order from subway. and what was he thinking?! showing up. at my parents house. and trying to put his hands in my pants. what the actual fck. so now im becoming distant, putting space between me and whatever the hell was going on. and not a single soul knows. i didn’t think i ever gave off any signs of me being interested. was i being too nice? was i giving off those signs? what the fck did i do?! so months pass, he’s apologized and things are a lot like what they used to be, out to eat, to the mall, the arcade, all with my friends, and i always had to be dropped off first because i couldn’t imagine being alone with him ever again. and now my birthday has rolled around, he offers to pick us up from school, take us to where ever we wanted to eat and then whatever else we wanted to do. I get picked up first, i thought it was okay, because the next person that was getting picked up went to school literally a street over. so i thought, no biggie. i can handle that. fcking wrong. before i can pull myself out of my thoughts, we’re at his house. He says he’s gotta run in and grab my birthday present. cool. i wasn’t expecting one of those. hell, i never expect birthday presents, to this day. he come’s out and says it’s kind of big so i’d have to go in to not spoil the surprise. oooookay. my heart is already racing and my brain is saying, you’ve got this. what’s the worst that could happen. So. i go in. he has me wait outside to make sure it’s perfect. and then tells me to cover my eyes, open the door, and he leads me in. i know he’s somewhere around me cause he has his hands covering my eyes. “sit down.” he says, so i go to sit, and he’s already sitting in the chair. i jump up and he says “it’s okay.” is it really. so moves his hands from my eyes. and sitting in front of me. everything. but when i say everything i don’t mean everything i could have ever asked for. i mean everything, in my favorite colors, the pair or air forces i had been eyeing for monttthhhsss, a giant bear, flowers and balloons. im speechless. and not in a good way. but i say thank you, and remind him that we’ve gotta go get the other girls and start walking towards the door. he grabs my hand, pulls me back like this is some fcking romance movie, and tries to kiss me and i pull back and say no, we can’t do this. and he just dismisses it and tries again. tries to hold me, tries to get me to lay down with him, just keeps trying. all while i am now just trying to go home. go to where i know i’ll be safe. where i’ll atleast be alone. and i can tell he’s getting frustrated. i won’t hold his hand, i won’t hug him back, i won’t look him in the eyes, i won’t sleep with him. he finally let’s me get up and takes no for an answer, and asks “where do you wanna go eat for your birthday?” i dont. i don’t want to do anything anymore. i go home, and tell everyone that i’m just not feeling good anymore, so rain check?
14 years later. fourteen fcking years later. and i am still haunted by this. i went sooo many years never thinking about those moments. i went all this time never wasting any thoughts on it. and now, i can’t walk around town and wonder if i’ll run into you. because now i do. Today for instance. i walked out of a take out spot, and i didn’t take my eyes off of the ground, but the second i stepped out the door, goosebumps covered my body, and i felt scared. I wasn’t even sure if it was you, i never looked to check! but i knew one thing, whatever that feeling i was getting, was obviously not a good sign. So i walked a little faster, tried to open the doors to the car a little quicker, and once i got in the car, i actually saw you. and then for the rest of the day, as hard as i had tried, i couldn’t stop thinking about how scared i was. how i act so brave all the fcking time, and then one single fcking person ruins it all.
i’ve never talked about this, with anyone. I’ve maybe mentioned that he’s held my hand and that i didn’t like him. but i’ve never had the balls to just talk to someone about it. so instead, i sit there and keep it to myself, like i always do. and now here i am, telling this virtual world like they even know who i am. *shrugs* so there’s my story. because of you i’m afraid to walk around with my head held high, just for the simple fact that if i ran in to you, we’d make direct eye contact, so i’ll take my chances and walk on the other side of the street.
