nothing like you said you wanted

chicago | 27 | blogging to cope

[nothinglikeyousaidyouwanted]

do you love who you are when you’re with them?

[nothinglikeyousaidyouwanted]

you feel like the sun on my face

I used to think I was too much and not enough at the same time. I have always struggled to find a sense of belonging and never thought I could find someone who would truly see me - or if somehow they did, they could never love me at my core. I used to think that settling for something less than what I wanted was inevitable. So there I was, relationship after relationship, settling, and losing myself in the process. There were times when I felt like I was asking for too much or looking for someone that did not exist. Now I know that I had not been asking for too much; I had just been asking the wrong people. Sometimes we don’t get what we want because we deserve so much better. 

Almost three months ago, I met someone. It is hard to put into words what I have felt since then. Everything feels simpler yet fuller when I am with him, and our lives have fit so well together. I feel like I can be my true self and be content with where I'm at in life, yet I also want to grow into a better version of myself when I’m with him - not because I need to fit a mold of what he wants, but because that is how inspired and motivated I feel when I am with him. I can learn from him, yet teach him too. He likes making me food and taking care of me, yet expects me to still have independence. We can talk about serious things for hours yet joke around the next second. He appreciates intimacy and closeness yet respects when I need space. He recognizes my past traumas but does not let them control how he sees or treats me, other than supporting me in moving past them. I feel commitment without feeling suffocated or restricted. I feel valued and respected, yet not put on a pedestal. I feel seen yet not naked. I feel like I am neither too much nor not enough. This just feels like a perfect balance of everything I’ve needed and wanted and never thought I could have.

This is all still pretty new, but I’m feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time. It’s scary, and it’s hard to not be hesitant, but I am choosing to stay cautiously optimistic. Here we go...

[nothinglikeyousaidyouwanted]

you’ll be amazed at what you attract after you start believing in what you deserve

[nothinglikeyousaidyouwanted]

this is chicago right now

This street is usually full of people. As much as it breaks my heart to see my city so barren and businesses shut down, I am grateful that most people are staying home when possible. Stay safe, everyone.

[nothinglikeyousaidyouwanted]

it’s nothing like you said you wanted

like a hotel patron in your bed a postcard, no return address it’s nothing like you said you wanted nothing like you’ll get

Two months ago, I told my therapist, “I am so overwhelmed. I don’t even know what to do. I wish all of my plans for the next month could just be cancelled so I can breathe again. But obviously that is not realistic or possible.” Well... here we are, in the COVID-19 pandemic, with all of my plans cancelled for a month. (P.S. SORRY for apparently jinxing everything!)

At heart, I am an extroverted introvert. I love going out with friends and doing fun things in the city, but I also need to balance that out with “me” time and self-care. I get excited about new opportunities in both my personal life and professional life; when an opportunity comes up to hang out with friends or meet new people or take on a professional extracurricular, I tend to say yes, because I thrive off of these things - they make my life feel full. My life is full of so many wonderful things and I feel so thankful for that. 

But here’s the thing... before the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s like I was at an all-you-can-eat buffet that had all of my favorite foods - I had been getting a huge scoop of everything, and eating it all until I felt sick. I took on too much. Even though they were all good things, too much of anything is too much. 

I thought what I needed was cancelled plans in order to focus on myself, so when COVID-19 came around, I thought to myself, “at least one upside is I’ll have more time! I will finally be able to breathe!” 

It’s been two weeks since Chicago essentially shut down due to COVID-19 concerns, and honestly, I am just as exhausted as before.

The texts and calls from friends and family who want to check in, are seeking support, or are just plain bored. The new virtual events like live stream concerts or virtual brunch. Having more time to spend with my partner in a relatively new relationship. The new projects that I finally have time for. These are all good things, right? But see where I am going here? I have been filling up my plate again, eating everything in sight, and I am sick.

In a time filled with anxiety, uncertainty, grief, powerlessness, fear, anger, and loss - I want to fill my life with good things. But if I fill my plate too full, I end up in the same cycle. 

The key to finding time to breathe is allowing myself to take time to breathe. Even if I want to FaceTime my friend, attend a live stream concert, join Houseparty app, take up a new hobby, etc. - I need to give myself permission to say no sometimes in order to take care of my mental energy. I do not have to say “yes” to everything just because I can. I need to learn some portion control.

Has anyone else been feeling this way? Would love to hear what you all are doing to take care of your mental energy when your plate feels too full. 

[nothinglikeyousaidyouwanted]

welcome back to me

I used tumblr back in high school (yes, 10 years ago) as a way to cope with every day life. Had a bad day? Blog. Relationship struggles? Blog. Anxiety? Blog. Just have a lot of feelings today? Blog. Honestly, I am not sure why I ever got rid of it. It has always been so cathartic to self-reflect and get my feelings written down. It helps me sort out how I am feeling and figure out how to best move forward.

As many of you have also been experiencing, life has been particularly challenging lately due to changes related to COVID-19: whirlwind of complex emotions, removal of support systems, relationship challenges, readjusting to a new reality, and anxiety about the uncertainty that lies ahead... It’s hard to keep up with everything I am feeling. It’s hard to even know exactly what I am feeling given the novelty of all of these feelings.

I hope to use this platform to share some of my feelings and experiences and hopefully connect with others who can relate. After all, we are all in this together.

So, hello tumblr, welcome back to me. To any new followers that may find me, feel free to drop a comment and say hi - let’s support each other in this crazy thing we call life.