Not Just Confused

@notjustconfused

For the record, these posts are all 100% true. Some may have been edited for clarity, but for the most part, the words actually came out of my friend's mouth. You really can't make this stuff up. Background on my friend: she was born in the 1960s, grew up in the USA, and still lives with her parents, so she doesn't cook or shop for food. She has an BS degree from a large university, and works full time. Either she's brilliant and faking all this, or something went horribly wrong - that's for you to decide. I'll try to add new posts each day, so check back once in a while. If you have a tumblr account, feel free to reblog, or hit the heart if you like the post. Enjoy!

615 posts

More Spice!

Spice and spicy mean the same thing. Spicy just means more spice.

Submarine Inventions

They’re called sub sandwiches because of their shape like a submarine? I thought it was because they were invented on a submarine.

List in a Bucket

Bucket list? Why would you put a list in a bucket?

Fixed Meal Times

Me: My coupon is for 25% off lunch or dinner.

Her: What if it's not lunch or dinner, but in between?

Frosty Breath

Me: Don't you swirl your soda when you first put ice to make it colder?

Her: No, I blow on it.

Factory Bananas

Her: It's my last chance to get a frozen banana.

Me: You know you can just make those at home.

Her: No you can't.

Me: Why not? You take a banana, ...

Her: A real banana?

Me: ...as oppose to?

Her: Aren't those factory-made bananas?

Odorless Color

Her: I don't think horseradish has a smell

Me: Why?

Her: Because it's white, and white things don't smell.

Hot Looking Sauce

Maybe that hot sauce just looks hot, but isn't really hot.

Meatless Alligators

I don't even think gators have meat!

Only if You do it

Do you think if I put these matches in my pocket, my pants could light on fire? Why are you laughing? That's a legitimate question.

Fun Tunnels

Me: What is a funnel?

Her: Is it a tunnel that's fun? Like a tunnel of love?

(Reminder: Yes, she is a native English speaker and does not speak any other languages.)

Visual Confirmation Required

Me: I don't know why they decided to illuminate the floors of my car.

Her: So you know your feet are there!

Yes, that's exactly what you do

For compressed gas, do you just go to the gas station and push the gas together?

Street Lights = Daytime

Her: It's not dark it outside. I can still see the cars in the parking lot.

Me: You mean the cars in the parking lot with the street lights overhead?

Her: Yes! Oh, wait...

The poor blind people must be starving

You can't eat in the dark! How are you going to find your mouth?

Voluntary Iris Control Required

My car is old. Instead of mirrors that automatically dim, you have to dim your eyes.

Deer Hunter

Me: Have you heard the phrase, "a deer caught in headlights"?

Her: Yes, but I don't know how you catch a deer with headlights.

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