elincra
“oh thank you so much,” the blonde said without even looking up at the person who came to help her. part of her was just so relieved to put alix down – her arm had been killing her for a while now, even though the sweet little girl wasn’t that heavy. she just needed a break and with the bags weighing down her other arm, she regretted not bringing the stroller with her. it’s a lovely day! she’d told her aunt. alix and i’ll be fine. this was going to be a lesson she wouldn’t soon forget:when in doubt, bring the stroller. it would likely become her new life motto. maybe she should stitch it onto a pillow.
looking up to thank the stranger properly, she faulted as she realized that this man was no stranger at all. “i’m–” it didn’t stop her from gently laying alix in the carrier, nor did it stop her from wanting to shrink out of existence ( especially because she was wearing one of his sweatshirts ). “raj, if i had even thought for more than a second, i–” she stopped talking as she felt nerves start to overcome her, she gently took the carrier from him, as though she were ready to run away at any moment. “i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean– i’m sorry.” she could feel tears start to prick at her eyes, but she was fairly sure that was still just hormones running through her.
his head was shaking, though it was more an involuntary movement than anything else. his mind was racing, pangs in his stomach and heart making themselves known because of the thoughts rushing through his head -- this was his family, this was his daughter, what the fuck was he doing? he never wanted to be the type of parent his real father was (absent) just as he didn’t want to be the type of parent his adopted father was (there but aloof, uncaring). in this moment, raj realized he was worse than them both. at least his real father had tried, and at least his adopted father was present physically. other than the pictures nora would slip under his door or leave in his mailbox, he hadn’t seen alix more than one time in her month of being alive, nor was he there for nora during the majority of her pregnancy. who was he even? why was he acting the way he’d been acting? this anger at himself was channeled into anger at the outside world, the world that he blamed every decision he made on.
his jaw tightened, teeth clenched behind closed lips. nora’s apology was heartfelt, he knew this, but this just made him hate himself even more. how could she be backtracking and feeling bad? she’d done nothing wrong. it should be him saying sorry, him scooping alix up to help her, him being the father he knew he could be. but, as always, he retreated. he chose the easy way out. appear unphased and maybe he’d eventually start believing he didn’t need neither nora nor alix in his life.
“stop apologizing,” he stated shortly, letting her take the carrier from his hand. he finally tore his eyes from alix. instead, raj occupied his sight with the sweatshirt nora had on. he forced an ironic smirk, lifting his brows. “nice. looks good on you. comfortable?"
