Mishaps & Meltdowns @notthepilosophia - Tumblr Blog

two days before the 2018 ended, my dad sat beside me as I sleep.

he was sobbing discreetly as he softly spoke how much he loves me.

after a little while, he kissed my forehead and left.

well, it would look kinda sappy and cute but the night before was horrible.

anyway, happy new year!

less drama more growth this 2019.

I have noticed that I am not in a good place lately. I have realized that I have not told anyone about anything yet and I find that quite odd for me. It's not that I owe anyone any explanation, or is it even mandatory for me to speak up. Regardless, I just know something is up and it is alarming. Thus, I opted to dive back in here and come clean to my own self.

I admit, I hadn't have the best holiday break so far. As numb as I have become, I cannot even decide nor consider that this have been the worst. And I do not want to alarm or put the spotlight on me by any chance, but during Christmas Eve, I was on the brink of letting go of what‘s left of me. I won‘t go further into the details of what actually happened but it sure startled me the fact that I was almost too brave enough to end everything in a snap. And the reason why I am here right now, despite the freshness of it all, is that I made it through out that dark path I almost chose. The incident may have been quite young, I still find it weird for me to overcome. It has been only a couple days but I just hope and pray that I would not find myself again in that difficult position.

I sure have been avoiding messages and actually human interaction. But I promise, I‘ll recover as soon as possible.

Whatever happens next, I hope you all remember me or at least the fact that I love you. I‘m sorry your little ray of sass and humor isn't as sane as you thought she should be. I‘m sorry.

december 27 18 // 5:10 am

#end

catriona elise // december 20 // miss universe 2018

first attempt on digital painting

#digital painting #illustration #digital art #digital drawing #miss universe #miss universe 2018 #miss philippines #miss philippines 2018 #catriona gray

i cant feel anything at all.

i'm neither drowning in sorrows nor jumping in joy.

but thats it. thats what makes me worried.

no, its not emptiness.

but this is another stage of numbness i havent felt before.

im just here.

stuck in a crossroad.

not dauntless enough to choose where to go.

december 19 2018 | 5:28 am

josé fernando // microtel by wyndham, luisita, tarlac // november 11

#sophiasnapped

masarap both

In the spooky spirit of Undas, can I just say that one of my greatest fears up to date is investing too much on friends and watching them leave me after. Perhaps, I got this irrational trauma from the isolation I went through a year ago. But today, y’all know what? Shobe is actually on the top of my please-dont-leave-me list.

I know, chances are, she’s going to read this anyway. But being the passive-aggressive bitch that I am, I’m leaving this here rather than actually messaging her.

I guess what I am trying to say is that, I hope she doesn’t get tired of me. Because sis, let me tell you something: if I told you I always got your back, best believe I will stick to my goddamn word. And I am, without any doubt and hesitation, ready to go through satan’s butt hole and endure all the circles of hell just to save this dumb fuck. Still, I genuinely vow to protect my girl as much as I can from the bullshit this vicious world attempts to give her. I strongly believe she already has gone through so much and that is more than enough. So, to y’all out there who tries to give this little fuck another inconvenience, better watch out.

Anyway, if you’re actually reading this, it still surprises me that you have actually stuck with me throughout the entire year. And I am very much aware that sometimes I can be the root of your unnecessary headaches. Yet, you still have not given up on me even if the whole world already has. Patiently, you have nurtured the soil where have been planted and even hit me hard with the goddamn shovel in times of need. You have never failed to express your undying support on nothing but the right things. And countless of times, you have saved my mind-numbingly stupid self from foolish decisions. And even though I know sometimes-- most of the time I mean-- you just really want to whoop my naive ass.

But then again, regardless of all my bullshit, I still cannot wait to grow more with you tomorrow, next week, and in another lifetime even. Mushy as it may seem, but I will be forever grateful for what we actually have. I know things are about to get more and more tough, but with you around, life gets a little less mundane and hella more exciting. You maybe the shobe to most people, but to me, you will always be my atchi.

So, you needy fucker, I hope this counts as a birthday message, one and a half months too late as per usual. Happy twenty fucking years of being emotionally unstable and constantly being sleep-deprived. I hope you don’t fuck up your new phone this time around, you dumb hoe. I will always be here for you especially to laugh at your really boba moments. I love you very very much, if this essay have not yet implied that explicitly.

#ivybchua

the light of the lamp post outside his room deliberately pierced thru the window as we lied down with our legs intertwined and bodies tucked together. in the middle of an alcohol-induced midnight, we were listening to a certain song that he claims to be one of his favorites.

"'pag pinakinggan mo yan mag-isa, para kang tinatransport sa ibang mundo."

and in fact, it actually did. it's the kind of tune that makes me feel afloat with extreme, obscure emotions in the middle of freedom park under a blanket of stars. but that night, stars were no where to be seen but i was sure wrapped in his arms that gave a different kind of warmth more than any blanket ever could.

i can still feel his chico-scented breath on my cheeks as he ecstatically blabbered about how sentimental his collection of soundtracks are. he continued to scroll through his music library until we landed, of course, on john mayer. he tapped one of jm's classics, gravity, and in one brisk move, he grabbed his guitar near me and played the chords of the said song as i sing with him.

in that moment of good music and silhouette figures, everything suddenly felt way too familiar. at first, it used to be a coincidental fact we used to laugh about. but holy fuck, it's all true. i always end up a different guy but same content. fuck this shit.

my dad approached my cousin, daphney, and i as we were taking beach photos under the sun. and as per usual, he was mocking me as i strike a pose but what caught me off guard was when he asked daphney.

"daph, sasali ka na rin bang infocus?"

i somehow managed to lose my poise and to burst into a reckless laughter.

it's my first time hearing him say the name of my organization. and in the light of these first times, we also played ball today with mandatory teasing in between. hay, my dad can be really adorable and supportive sometimes. it makes me love him even more.

i really have the tendency to give the entire world (and the universe, even) to a person who didnt even ask for it.

sappy as it may seem but

i thought i was over with this phase

however i still think if

will i ever

end up

with a person

i truly deserve

to the boy who thought me what a real heartbreak was

earlier this year i fell hard for a man who i thought would learn to love me back. but he didn't. and it took me countless of drunken nights and gazillion buckets of tears to get over him. there was a point i couldnt handle the pain. everything hurt and i really thought i wouldnt make it. and from that i realized i have never loved so genuinely before; i didnt actually know i had the capacity to even love that much. feels like yesterday.

so to you, my urw geometric friend. happy happy birthday, gian franco, prukolo, nics, nicolo. don't worry, i am now writing this with a happy heart. you have thought me so much, more than i could ever imagine. you even made me feel how a true heartbreak was. for now, i am delighted to see how things have turned out. i still wish every day that you succeed in whatever path you choose to take. i am just here behind you and i hope you never forget. thank you for everything. i hope we have not lost what we had before. i miss you so much! happy 21st to my favorite libra.

a spinoff

uhm, by the way, pol and i (whatever that was) ended. and as much as i usually do, i dont want to sugarcoat it. that's it,

we ended.

again.

there's that. this time, i really think it's for the best.

tsaka baka naman pang-two weeks lang talaga kami. huwag natin ipilit ang hindi dapat ipilit.

i'm not even sad about it. i have finally accepted our fate. chaka lang how shallow things turned out. well, at least for me.

but there's that. no more begging, no more second chances. that's enough.

oh and also, i saw him tonight. it was mmmmkay. i honestly wish i didnt but everything was just mundane. nothing too grand actually. it's better than i expected. luh, ang kalat na. pero ayun. closure lang sa sarili.

we're done.

so am i. you're not even worth a spot on my blog. but i guess this is just me officially ending this chapter of my life. for good.

ah basta sabay tayo g-graduate ha.

i need to fix myself. its not too late, my dear, its not too late.

not to be sappy but he really makes me happy. damn, boi.

for a moment, i forgot all my misery. thanks for the laughs. hope we turn things around this time.

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