2016 - 23 - My Jordan Year
Things have been moving at the speed of light. Fast enough that it’s become hard not to slip at moments.
This has been my year of so much progress spiritually, mentally, and definitely physically.
But I have moments of feeling like I’ve fell behind. Like the train that I’ve been on has been taking me to the wrong destination. Moments where I feel like I have not been able to do enough for my family.
It’s deep rooted. As I get older, so do my mother and father. It’s become painful to see them still working so hard, while I enter my 6th year in undergrad.
I feel guilty, as if I should have known better, and I could have done more. My problems always proceeded me in every fashion in the past, and instead of meeting with them head on, I stopped caring.
I’ve made all the moves I thought were necessary to be better this year. I became ill, and had to have my first major procedure because of it. Seeing the fear and saddness in my families eyes when waking on that hospital bed changed everything for me. I had to take time off from school for the required healing time and I just knew that this is when I would be emptying the skeletons I had in my closet.
Weight. I hated the word. Probably because I carried a lot of it. In the last 4 months, I have lost 95lbs. I’m hoping I don’t have to explain how hard I worked, but I now hate the word 30% less.
Self harm. Getting into this is touchy. I worked with a therapist for the past year and have learned other outlets for my anxiety, my favorite being meditation. It’s helped me so much spiritually and mentally. If anyone reads this, please try meditation
I was selfish for not acting on my realizations earlier.
But I do realize that I now need time. I cannot do it all at once. This is a process. I will be the best son I can be for my loving parents. My hopes are they can wait a little longer. They have done so much, and I am doing everything I can to make up for time.
jacobvanloon
baratheonpilled
ellievsbear
izzy806
