a/n: prolly 4 ch's now :) sorry this took 800 years i kinda put off writing this bc i didnt want to disappoint but here it is.
ALSO SORRY THERE WILL MOST LIKELY BE ~7 WEEKS OF HIATUS AFTER THIS.
series summary: as azriel leaves for a long mission in vallahan, you find that clinging onto old bonds does nothing to heal them.
contains: angst, still mental health themes, pregnant y/n, off-page death, language. slowburn ???????
word count: 8506 (oh gosh)
ch 1 // ch 3
***
Many weeks passed, and with each day, the void left by Azriel's absence grew wider, but luckily you found yourself surrounded with some of the best people in the world, you thought. As always, Feyre was wonderful; she helped you get out of bed, she re-ignited your passions. She listened to you vent about your relationship, gave you advice and she constantly surprised you, always with a little gift from a new store in The Rainbow. However, one of the best surprises you received didn't come from Feyre.
About two weeks after Azriel's departure you had received a letter from your childhood friend Aiden and his now fiance, Malakai. You couldn't believe it, because it had been decades since you'd seen Aiden, let alone contacted him, but on the other hand you saw Malakai weekly. He was Cassian's right-hand man, and you learned from him after the wedding that Aiden had become a travelling healer, practicing in all courts. Their jobs were different in every way, but they complemented each other perfectly.
It was unexpected, the letter, but you couldn't have been happier to hear from them, especially because the envelope held an invitation their wedding.
The wedding was a modest celebration, but all the Inner Court members attended to show their support for the happy couple. Kai had known Cassian, Rhys and Azriel for years, since training together for the Blood Rite, and had stayed in touch after. He was now Cassian's Lieutenant General who commanded the Night Court's forces where Cassian was otherwise preoccupied with Inner Circle business. You knew him from the occasional training session, and you were glad that the two of you had gotten a lot closer after the wedding. He had become fast friends with the rest of the Inner Circle, and after the wedding, Aiden also befriended them. It was almost laughable how you had managed to miss that the male Kai talked so fondly about -- the healer that had stolen his heart, was your old friend. Your Aiden.
Even if the last few months of your own life were less than ideal, the newly-wed couple had become your rocks, and you knew they would eventually become amazing parents since they were so doting towards you and your baby.
You were still early in your pregnancy but careful nonetheless. Although you still planned to work for as long as you could in an attempt to maintain some sense of normalcy, you quickly realised that it was going to be somewhat of a struggle hiding your pregnancy from the rest of the Inner Circle for any longer. Training was not any easier as no one suspected anything, and Mor and Cass still held their monthly game nights when they drank like there was no tomorrow.
Under Feyre's insistence, you had lessened your field work and so majority of your days consisted of writing letters to the other High Lords and leaders in attempt to strengthen alliances and unite the various factions within Prythian, hoping that it would create a better world for your child to grow up in. Due to past efforts, relations with the Day, Dawn, Summer and Winter courts were strong, and you were certain you had their support. The Spring Court with Tamlin, and Autumn with Beron were other matters, however. Perhaps you would ask Feyre to use her sway with Lucien, who might be able to convince Tamlin to at least reply to one of your letters, but you had recently heard Lucian say that he had not visited Spring in a long while, instead opting to stay with the Band of Exiles. Then you thought about High Lord Beron. He was a grumpy, disagreeable High Lord... and a problem for another day, you finally decided.
The first two weeks after Azriel's departure, you had rarely gotten out of bed, even when Feyre had tempted you with tarts. You felt bad that Cassian looked so regretful when he couldn't cheer you up when you neglected morning trainings those first few weeks. He thought it was because you were missing Azriel, and you were, but even more so, you were worrying over your pregnancy. When Feyre had finally managed to get you out of the house, the two of you mainly walked up and down The Rainbow, visiting the old bookstores and trying new bakeries.
Aiden was staying in Velaris for his honeymoon, but he still insisted on working, the kind male that he was. You found happiness in visiting his healing clinic, helping him organise records and patient data. Listening to stories of his travels had inspired you like nothing else could. He told you about the catacombs under the Dawn Court, and the unique architecture and history of Day.
His stories made you miss your mate, of the adventures the two of you had planned for the future, but you vowed that one day you'd travel with Azriel again. You tugged on the bond softly, something you had been doing since he left to feel connected. You weren't even sure if he could feel it though, since he never replied.
Over the course of around two and a half months, you started to feel lighter. When you thought of your mate's return you started to feel optimistic. Maybe a break was the right decision, no matter how unplanned it initially was.
***
You had been spending most of your Sundays in Aiden's clinic, him helping with the pregnancy and keeping you company. You were browsing his bookshelves when you stumbled upon a book about Illyrian anatomy. It hadn't fully dawned on you yet that the child you were bringing into this world was likely going to come out with wings, but Aiden assured you the birth was not going to be too difficult seeing that you were half-Illyrian yourself. Your father had been an awful person, but at least he gave you something that would allow you to start a family with the one that you loved.
Health clinics knew pain and trauma all too well, but there was ample moments of warmth and beauty too, and it was becoming more apparent to you than ever. The young fae that lived in Velaris would occasionally come knocking to sell their sweets, or on quiet afternoons, Aiden would seek them out and give them some harmless potions that would do crazy things, like temporarily turn their bodies invisible, colour their hair an electric blue, or even make them grow scales. Aiden was the finest healer in Prythian, and you were disappointed he could not stay for much longer than his honeymoon period before he needed to return to the road.
One such Sunday, the 12th week of your pregnancy had finally arrived. You were looking at your reflection in the full-length mirror, hand on your stomach.
You were starting to show. This was real.
You admired the swell of your stomach under the light, flowing dress. You looked... healthy. Glowing, even. Your features were not so hollowed out anymore, your cheeks fuller and eyes brighter, filled with shine. You felt better than ever.
But it was heartbreaking that your mate's absence had caused this, in a roundabout way. You closed your eyes, taking in this special moment. You reached to tug on the bond, and you swore you felt a glimmer of warmth before the string in your mind felt cold once more.
Aiden's voice dragged you out of your haze.
"y/n, are you ready to do the scan?" he asked, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder.
An "ultrasound" is what Aiden had called it. On his travels to the mortal lands, he had studied in the most advanced medical institutions on offer and was bringing this human technology to Faerie. This ultrasound was supposedly a sort of test they did on mortals with child, to verify the health and gender of the baby, and he was going to perform one on you today with the help of some of his healer magic to help.
"Just lay back on here, your dress should be stretchy enough for you to just lift it up..." Aiden trailed off as he fiddled with a tub of gel and a weird device, he explained he was going to lightly put on your stomach.
"In the Mortal Lands, they have these screens that show the mother the baby, but since I couldn't take any of those, I'll compensate with a simple incantation. Unfortunately, this does mean you won't be able to keep any physical images of your baby."
You frowned slightly. You didn't even know that was possible, to have. a physical keepsake of the little one growing inside you. You sighed a little as you readjusted the pillow and Aiden got to cleaning up. Pictures would've been nice for Azriel to see, you supposed.
"Oh. That's okay, there's nothing you can do about it," is what you settled on saying. It had been centuries since the you had seen Aiden again, and after being somewhat abruptly pushed into each other's lives again... it was awkward, sometimes.
"I trust you," you added, "But exactly how many times has this magic-and-mortal-device combination been used for ultrasounds?"
Aiden flashed you the same boyish grin that got the two of you out of trouble when you were younger, and given that your mother was... well, who she was, that was a difficult feat indeed. It was one of the reasons you had stuck with the slightly infuriating male who stood before you today; he would always protect you. Of course, this was until you had lost touch. "Well..." he pretended to think. You hoped he was joking.
You narrowed your eyes at him, but you doubted he could even see you. "Aiden? This is safe, right?"
"Just kidding, y/n. Of course, it is safe for use and has been trialed numerous times."
"Not funny." You muttered to yourself.
Under Aiden's instruction, you lifted up your dress until it was just under your bust. The masses of fabric were somewhat blocking your vision, but even so, you lifted your neck slightly to try see what Aiden was doing.
"It's interesting how mortals compensate for not having magic, this gel is especially interesting," he mused. He had become such an intellect, always curious and ready to learn. You were somewhat shocked to see what he'd made of himself, so different from that class clown you used to know.
You couldn't do more than make what hopefully came out as a sound of interest, as you weren't able to see what "gel" your friend was even referring to.
"This will feel a bit cold," Aiden said, before he applied a thin layer of a wet, smooth mixture to your stomach. "It'll help this little machine to see your womb."
"Sure," you reply. What else could be said?
"Oh! Wait." You add abruptly. Aiden stopped his movements instantly. "I... don't want to know the gender." You finished, chewing your lip slightly.
"Are you sure?"
"Yet. I mean, yes, I don't want to know yet." Not without Azriel.
Aiden sent you a confident smile. "Okay, y/n."
He seemed to sense your nervousness, and so after the gel was applied, Aiden placed a comforting hand on yours, which were busy pulling at the seams of your dress. The clothing suddenly felt too thick, and the breezy material no longer cooled your skin, but instead made it itch. He changed the positioning of your bed with a small flick of his wrist, in a swift motion. Slowly, your upper body rose to a sitting position while your legs stayed flat. This way, you could see what was happening.
Then you heard it, and suddenly, there was too much to say.
Unmistakably, there was thumping. Muffled thumping that seemed to echo around the room.
Aiden had big grin on his face. He met your eyes only for a moment before returning to the task literally in front of him. You realised he was concentrating hard, mumbling to maintain a small floating projection, a clear screen that showed all sorts of charts and figures. In the center of the clear screen there was a black rectangle that had something moving in it. Different shades of greys and white danced across the screen in pixelated motions but they all moved together, as if they were forming something whole.
"Is that...?" you asked softly. You couldn't get the words out, because your heart was in your throat. It was difficult to see, from the weird angle that you observed the screen in, but it couldn't have been anything else.
Just like when you were kids, he read your mind.
"Yes, y/n," he breathed softly. His fingers floated across the keyboard on the bedside table. which you suspected was somehow connected to Aiden's magical projection.
The perfect mix of fae magic and mortal engineering.
At last, Aiden spoke.
"That's the heartbeat."
***
It had been 2 weeks since that first ultrasound, and you were talking with Feyre about breaking the news to the rest of your friends. The two of you were sitting in the courtyard, the late afternoon sun casting its warm, friendly glow. You marveled at the beauty of the gardens a
"Oh, I'm so excited for you! Your baby is going to be spoiled like crazy," your friend exclaimed fondly, a big grin on her face.
Hearing Feyre's enthusiasm calmed your nerves immensely, and you reached for your High Lady's hand.
"I wish Az was here," you admitted, "if he was, I'd do something bigger. I think I'm just going to tell everyone at dinner."
Feyre's glance softened at the mention of your mate. "That sounds good. I hate to mention this now but when are you going to tell Azriel?"
You bit your lip, averting eye contact. "I'm not sure, actually. Whenever's best, I suppose."
"You can be honest with me, y/n/n. I just think you should tell him."
"Of course I'm going to tell him."
"But your baby's going to be born before he gets back, surely you're not going to have him come home blind-" Feyre said insistently.
You started to get a little annoyed. "I will tell him, Feyre. He will not 'come home blind'."
But were you sure? Would Azriel even reply to your letters? Would he care enough to write more than his usual 5 sentences? A pain ran through your heart as you recalled the last time you wrote was about a month ago. He hadn't even replied.
You didn't want him to be distracted on the mission, or worse, hurt himself because he was worrying.
Feyre could read your expression. "Are you really thinking about lying to your mate? About your child. His child, y/n. It's Azriel's too."
You fought the urge to roll your eyes. "Gods, Feyre. You think I don't know that? Stop pushing this, it's my decision and if I want to leave it until he comes back... then that's on me." But deep down you knew she was right.
Your words just hung between you as the conversation ended. You didn't believe what you just said, and by the silence that fell, you could tell Feyre didn't either.
The two of you sat in your respective chairs and avoided eye contact, Feyre was fiddling with the sash on her dress, and you were looking into the sky, eyes squinting as you immediately regretted staring straight into the sun.
"Feyre, darling?" called Rhys' smooth voice. You glanced at your wristwatch, which indicated Feyre and Rhys' meeting was about to start. You sighed a little; you would have to apologise later.
"Here, Rhys!" Feyre quickly gathered her things but put a comforting hand on your shoulder as she passed. "Bye, y/n."
Then Rhys whisked Feyre away, leaving you alone in the courtyard.
You didn't want to keep sitting in the courtyard rethinking your conversation with Feyre. Or perhaps was it an argument? You quickly left the gardens as soon as the sun started setting, in hopes you would bump into another one of your friends. You walked towards the door to the main house and luckily, the moment you turned around after closing the door, there was Kai, gathering some items in a satchel, looking like he was about to leave.
You wondered if you should bother him as he looked busy, but before you could sneak off, it seemed that Kai used his big-brother senses because he turned around and spotted you.
"Y/n! My favourite person." He beamed, tucking strands of his golden hair behind his ears.
"I think Aiden might take some offense to that statement." You approached him smiling, yet slightly embarrassed he had almost caught you jumping over a couch.
"I'm sure he agrees with my sentiment." Your friend smiled.
"Going somewhere?"
"Just off to the Night Markets to buy a sheath for Aiden's present. It's a dagger, from my last mission overseas," He cocked his head slightly, as if trying to see if you were okay. "Would you like to join me?" Kai broke into a beaming smile. "We can get ice-cream."
You couldn't help grin as his words lit you up. The two of you used to always get ice-cream together, it was your thing. The ice-cream stores in Velaris changed their flavours daily, always a mix of aromatic spices and exotic fruits that somehow blended perfectly together. It was well-known amongst all your friends that Night Court ice-cream was one of your favourite things, and almost every birthday you got a tub of your favourite flavour, whatever it was. It reminded you of happier days, and some of your favourite memories consisted of you, laughing along with Kai over large cones of the sweet, icy treat.
"Really? I'd love to!" This is exactly what you needed to help you take your mind off your disagreement with Feyre. "I hope I'm not intruding though."
"You could never intrude. Besides, I could use another set of eyes. You've seen my wardrobe; I don't exactly choose the most stylish things." He bumped your shoulder affectionately.
You snickered. "That I have. Then you're lucky I took pity on you and offered my services to you."
Ever the drama queen, Kai lowered himself into a deep bow, "I thank you then, y/n."
Being with Kai had lifted your mood almost instantly. You had confided in him through your highs and lows, and when you had shown such intimate parts of yourself to another, it was easy to settle into comfortable companionship. He was like an older brother to you, one of your closest friends.
You watched Velaris' bustling marketplaces in awe as Kai soared through the air, his wings flapping. It had been a while since you had come out to see the signature Night Markets, but it was just as breathtaking as you remembered. There were crowds everywhere, and each store had twinkling lights. It was dark now, the light from each stall was illuminating the air around it, the mountains were shining a soft white from the snow, and you felt like you had returned home to the familiar sights, sounds and smells.
Kai led you to a few shops, and gods, it was lucky you were there. Somehow, he managed to pick out some of the strangest, weirdest designs that there were. It took almost 20 minutes of convincing before Kai discarded a sheath that was covered in ridiculous dyed fur that had googly eyes stuck to the front, with eyebrows that jiggled when you removed the dagger.
"It's like an adorable fluffy animal!" He exclaimed.
"Kai, no. It looks like a mutilated rodent. I think I see bugs moving in the fur, and it smells like Cassian after training."
Kai whistled. "Harsh critic."
You shrugged, looping your arm through his to drag him back through the door. "I just saved your marriage, my friend."
Eventually you two of you picked a simple design. A sleek black design with silver buckles that was functional enough to store a pen or two, as well. Perfect for Aiden. Knowing him, he probably would use the sheath's pockets to store some of his equipment for operations, and the like.
"Thanks for helping me tonight," Kai smiled. "I owe you one."
"Don't mention it. All you ever need to owe me is some ice-cream." You almost gasped when you saw the old gelateria where the two of you frequented decades ago. Had it really been decades?
Kai seemed to be thinking the same thing because the moment the two of you sat down, he smiled, wistfully asking, "Do you remember the last time we came here?"
You hummed in thought, trying to come up with an answer. "I don't think I do. Must've been to celebrate something?"
Kai grinned. "No, not to celebrate. I remember," he started.
"Shocking how someone so old has a better memory than me." you smirked.
"Hush. Surely you remember, as it concerns your favourite person."
"My favourite person? So, not you then," you laughed.
"I'm wounded." Kai replied, deadpan. "No, anyway. I mean Azriel. You came to me after a big fight with Azzy."
You opened your mouth in shock. "I can't believe you remember that!"
"Well, hard to forget," he said, dryly. "I had never seen you so upset." His expression turned pensive and worried, as if he was sensing the truth in your expression, which had turned from shocked to anxious with one sentence. He was sensing that maybe you weren't letting on exactly how saddened you were regarding the situation with Azriel. Of course, only Feyre and Aiden knew you were with child, and this factor contributed greatly.
"You know, because usually you two are all..." Malakai tried to lighten the mood, making dramatic kissing noises.
Your eyes widened, but you had a big grin on your face. "Gods, Kai! You did not just do that in public!" but your friend just smirked, innocently shrugging his shoulders. You wouldn't stay mad at him anyway.
The two of you finished your cones in silence.
"Let's walk around for a bit," Kai said, wiping his hands with a napkin.
"Okay, sure."
You and Kai walked behind the bustling marketplace to a lone bench where the two of you used to come all the time. It was your spot.
"I do have something to tell you, though."
"Oh yeah?" Kai looked as if he was trying to guess your news.
You took a breath in to steady yourself. "I'm telling you before most of the others... because I trust you. And I love you, you've always been..." another small inhale. "Maybe you can help me figure out what to do."
Kai swiveled so he was facing you more. "Of course," he smiled. "You know I'd do anything for you."
You smiled gratefully. "You may know that Azriel didn't really leave me on the best terms... Well, uh, he didn't leave me, specifically, you know, but I just mean that we'd argued before he left." You rambled. "A lot, actually. All we did was argue."
Kai put a comforting hand on your arm, sensing your hesitation. "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready," he said gently, kindly.
Kai kindness overwhelmed you, but lately it had felt like Feyre was treating you a bit like a broken doll, and she was just waiting for you to finally crack. Being doted on wasn't a bad thing, but it felt suffocating now, and you felt Feyre's time was wasted when you realised that only one thing would make you feel better about this situation-- but you were too much a coward to do it.
It should've been easy, telling Azriel he was going to be a father. You were good at writing, letters especially. So why couldn't you write this?
Everything is just more complicated when love is involved.
You cleared your throat. "Sorry. I'm fine. I'm ready to talk about it, I promise."
"Okay," Kai nodded. "No pressure."
"I'mfourteenweekspregnantandAzrieldoesn'tknow." The words spilled out like a waterfall. A small brook, perhaps. All in one motion but in a low whisper. There was no going back now, but it seemed Kai hadn't heard your jumble of words.
"You're... what?"
"Pregnant. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and Azriel doesn't know." you were dangerously close to tears, but you felt a million times better now that you had told someone else.
Kai was silent for a dangerously long time. Then his mouth curved into a small grin. "Wow, y/n. I'm so happy for you!" and then he clarified, upon seeing your slightly startled expression. "I know you've been wanting to start a family for a while now, and you're the most deserving person to have your dream come true." He took a deep breath in. "I'll admit it's difficult that Azriel doesn't know, but you're strong, and we can work through this together."
You had started to cry. "S-sorry, I'm happy too, I- I don't know what to do now. I've been k-keeping it from you for so long, and I'm just so lost." Your voice broke.
"You don't need to apologise, I get it. It's going to be difficult, y/n, but you don't need to do it alone."
"You've kept a pregnancy from Aiden before?" you sniffed.
He smiled softly, wiping a trickling tear. "No, but I know relationships take work. What you and Az are going through is only natural, and you're both the strongest people I know. I see the bond you two have, and it's like no other I've seen." He stretched over the table to wipe away a tear falling down your cheek. "It's beautiful, y/n. I know you, and I know Az. He will support you, and whatever you choose, so will I."
You sniffed again, wiping away more tears. Gods, there were a lot of tears on your face. Kai pulled a large, thick handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to you.
"Aiden makes me carry it around, the massive thing. A real inconvenience. However, I've been told it makes an excellent torniquet." the warrior shrugged.
You managed a laugh. "Thanks."
Kai's expression softened. "Are you happy?"
His question caught you by surprise. "I've been processing these part few weeks. We were fighting because just noticed Azriel got increasingly unenthusiastic about our dates. About me," you felt the lump in your throat as you spilled your heart out. "S-sometimes I feel the b-bond go cold. Since he's been gone I can barely feel it, Malakai. I have to reach oh-so-far for something that should be permanent. Something that should be natural, and easy."
Kai wrapped you up in a hug, and you rested your head on his shoulder.
You took a pause. "But am I happy? I think so. If I can work this out with Az, then I will be. Really happy." You smiled slightly at the thought.
Kai nodded knowingly.
"Looks like you've only gotten wiser with age," you noted, slightly sad. "Where'd all the time go?"
"I guess we've both just gotten busier these past few centuries. You were sorting out your... confusing friendship with Azriel," you let out a laugh at that. Confusing was certaintly one word you could use to describe the relationship you and Az had before mating. Kai continued. "Well, and then you found out you were mates, but I was busy training here while trying to keep my relationship from my parents."
Your smile dropped a little. "But they were at your wedding, are you guys still okay?"
"Thanks for your concern, but we're all good. It's just that when I was younger, I saw how the villagers treated my sister when she confessed to me she favoured females, and word got out. It was a miracle no one blabbed to my parents before she finally told them decades later," he smiled. "I'm lucky my family are so supportive."
"I have a pretty great family too," you squeezed his hand.
The two of you sat in silence for a beat, smiling.
"Wait, before, you said '"most" of the others know about your pregnancy. Who else knows?" Kai asked after a moment.
"Well, Madja, and Feyre and Aiden."
"Aiden? He kept this from me?" The Lieutenant's eyes looked like they were going to bug out of his head. Aiden was definitely about to receive a stern lecture about how his wedding vows promised no lies.
You laughed. "Well, smart guy, Aiden is a healer, and I couldn't exactly go visit Madja because Rhys is always there on High Lord business, and Cass occasionally brings his soldiers there for checkups, you know this. Besides, Aiden's clinic is more private, and I like getting priority service," you replied, smug.
Kai sighed, "And here I was thinking that I was the only one getting that service. When you think you know someone." he tutted.
"Well, people surprise you." You couldn't help but bitterly think "Just like my mate did."
"But I know your news before Cass?" When you nodded, he did a celebratory fist pump. "I always knew I was your favourite. 5 gold coins for me, baby."
"Don't be silly, I love you Illyrian babies all equally. Wait, you guys bet on this?"
Kai snorted, choosing to ignore your latter comment, but the gleam in his bright blue eyes told you all you needed to know.
You just rolled your eyes. "When do you think I should tell the rest of our friends?"
Kai composed himself as he realised you were jumping back to serious conversation. He cleared his throat, and said, "Well, you want to tell them all together, right?"
When you nodded, he continued. "So, logically, unless you want to tell everyone while they're drunk playing board games, or drunk, dancing at Rita's, I'd say your best bet is at our group dinners, but you know, tell them early, so they're not too drunk." He gave a small smile.
"That's what I was thinking. Gods, when's the next dinner again?"
You counted what day of the week it was in your head. If you guys usually gathered for dinner on Fridays, but the Velaris Night Markets occurred on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays... but Thursdays were when Feyre and Rhys had their meetings (where Feyre had gone that afternoon), it would mean that the next family dinner was...
"Tomorrow," Kai finished helpfully. "Friday."
"That's soon," you tried not to sound too panicked.
"Luckily you have me to help you then."
***
The Inner Circle sat around the grand dinner table in the beautifully adorned dining room of the Night Court. The soft glow of candlelight danced on their faces, creating an atmosphere of warmth and camaraderie. Feyre and Rhysand were engaged in a lighthearted banter, their eyes filled with affection, while Mor, Amren, and Cassian laughed along, their spirits high. Nesta had her hand on Cassian's shoulder, and Elain was talking with Nuala. Aiden and Kai were sitting across from you, Kai's eyes trying to meet your own. Tonight would be the big night.
As the conversation lulled, your heart pounded in your chest, your hands clammy with nerves. Taking a deep breath, you gathered your courage, your voice slightly shaky but resolute, and cleared your throat to gain everyone's attention. Feyre's eyes met yours with a flash of concern, then understanding. You sent her an unsure smile and nodded slightly, notifying her that you were ready to share the news with your family.
"I... um, I have something important to share with all of you," you began, your eyes flickering with a mix of vulnerability and determination. You looked towards Kai and Aiden; both of them looked ecstatic, and you could tell Kai was reigning in his emotions. The room fell into an expectant silence as every member of the Inner Circle turned their gaze towards you, their expressions a blend of curiosity and concern.
Your eyes darted around the table, locking with each person's gaze, drawing strength from their unwavering support. You continued, "I'm pregnant."
The room erupted in a cacophony of reactions. Cassian's jaw dropped; a half-chewed bite of food forgotten in his mouth. Rhysand, startled by the unexpected news, coughed and choked on his wine, while Feyre, caught between annoyance and concern, hit his shoulder. She caught your eye and sent you a look that apologised for Rhys' behaviour.
"He doesn't mean it like that!" she mouthed. For the first time in your life, you hoped your expression betrayed your thoughts. "I'm sorry", you were trying to convey. "I love you". Feyre nodded and smiled, and you knew she understood.
Mor was the first one to say something. She let out an excited gasp, clapping her hands together. "Y/n, that's amazing! You're going to be a wonderful mother," she exclaimed, her eyes shining with genuine joy.
You felt everyone else's eyes on you. Amren had narrowed her eyes, and Varian was looking quite uncomfortable. Oh dear.
You felt a bittersweet mixture of relief and apprehension wash over you as you glanced around the table, searching for comfort amidst the tumultuous sea of emotions. Everyone looked pleased though, it seemed the extra 5 seconds of processing time had done wonders. Even Amren had a slight smile on her face now, and Varian looked less... strange.
Rhys, having gathered himself now, spoke next, a beaming smile on his face. "I'm so happy for you, y/n! You and Azriel deserve this. How'd he take the news?"
You hesitated, your eyes dropping to your plate, tracing the intricate patterns etched onto the fine China. You could feel the glances of Feyre, Aiden and Kai on you.
"I... uh.... haven't told him yet," and then there was silence in the room again.
The weight of your words was sinking in for your friends.
"I don't want to get into it now, and- and ruin our evening," you said, voice shaking slightly. Perhaps you'd already ruined the evening, if the heavy silence was any indication.
"We haven't exactly been on the best terms lately. We were fighting all up until he left, and I- I can barely feel the bond anymore. He hasn't written me back in a month."
With that bomb dropped, you looked up to the ceiling, blinking away tears.
"I'm scared."
Cassian, recovering from his initial shock, reached across the table, placing a comforting hand on your trembling one. "We're here for you, y/n," he reassured you, his voice filled with sincerity and warmth. "And when Az comes back, we'll figure it out together. You won't be alone in this. I can't believe it. You're pregnant." He finished with a joyous laugh.
Aiden chimed in, "We love you, y/n. As long as we're here, you don't have to do anything alone."
"You have the best support system possible; one that has been formed through years of hardship. No bond is stronger than this group bond." Kai continued. "Your pregnancy will be a beautiful thing."
Nesta spoke up next. "You can count on us for anything, y/n/n. I know you must have concerns, but now you don't have to carry them alone." You sent her a grateful smile, to which she returned.
"It'll fly by, the 10 months. Enjoy the process. Plus, you'll look great with the pregnancy glow." Feyre laughed.
Then Elain cleared her throat - daintily, if that was possible. "I'm happy for you too, y/n. Your child is lucky to have you as a mother, and... I know we're not too close, but you can count on me." She smiled; her cheeks rosy as all the attention turned to her.
You were in shock. That was the most you'd ever heard Elain speak, especially in front of everyone. You reached across the table and lightly put your hand on hers.
Surprisingly, Amren said, "You're in capable hands, y/n. It'll be such a joy having another Nyx around." The table chuckled at her sarcasm, but you knew she meant it with no malice. Varian tipped his glass in your direction with a smile.
"That means more than you could know. Thank you, everyone."
"You know how Azriel is. He may draw back, but he is always there for the ones he loves and trust me when I say you're on the top of his list." Mor said. "I don't know how he'll react to the news,"
Your smile dropped a little. Thanks for the confidence boost, Mor.
"But I know that every relationship has its ups and downs. You've been there for him since the day you me, and he's been there for you, too. I can promise you that this experience will only help the two of you grow closer." Mor's words were sincere.
As the Inner Circle rallied around you, offering support, reassurance, and a safe space to share your fears and uncertainties, you felt a flicker of hope ignite within you. Even Varian had bowed his head in respect. In that moment, you realized that you were not alone in your journey. With your loved ones by your side, you knew you had the strength and resilience to face whatever lay ahead. When the time came to reveal the news to Azriel, they would help you navigate the delicate path, giving you the support and courage, you needed.
And so, amidst the clinking of cutlery, the sound of Feyre's exasperated sigh as Cerridwen chased after Nyx (who'd run into the room looking for his mother), and the warm laughter that filled the House of Wind's dining room, you embraced the love and acceptance that you had received, finding solace in the knowledge that no matter the challenges you faced, you would never have to face them alone.
You tugged on the bond once again. Once. Twice.
And then you felt it. A pull from Azriel. Stronger than you'd felt in years.
***
"You guys really didn't have to plan all this," you smiled fondly at your friends, who insisted on throwing you a baby shower. Feyre later told you that she spent almost an hour explaining the mortal concept to Amren and Cassian, the latter thinking it was about hygiene. It had almost been 3 weeks since you told your friends at that fateful dinner, and they had embraced your news with love and kindness, just as Aiden, Feyre and Kai all insisted they would.
"Nonsense, y/n. You deserve the best baby bath achievable." Cassian beamed.
"Shower, Cassian." Feyre reminded him.
"I just showered," Cassian rolled his eyes. Nesta slapped his shoulder, and he quickly stopped his jokes when she gave him a kiss. You suppressed a snicker as you watched her. Cassian looked at her so lovingly, and Nesta, however annoyed she may be, always returned that look with equal fierceness.
You looked to your High Lord and Lady. Rhysand was sitting in a plush armchair, and Feyre was perched on his lap, his hand draped across her waist, fingers fiddling with a loose thread on her cream sweater. Nyx's addition to their family had only made them closer, and you could only pray that your little one could provide the same effect.
It was obvious to a total fool that Varian was irrevocably in love with Amren. His gaze was constantly on her, his eyes soft and longing, as if he knew something everyone else didn't. Amren rarely shared personal stories with the Inner Circle, but maybe she'd told the prince of Adriata something she hadn't yet shared with the Inner Circle. You had a feeling Amren was going to find her eternal happiness with him. After all, he was here, casually lounging with the Night Court's elite Inner Circle.
Then you looked to the pile of presents that your closest friends had prepared for you. The pink and blue streamers your friends had pinned around the room. Feyre said she was incorporating another tradition into this baby shower, something called a 'gender reveal', that she said was a celebration where loved ones of the mother gathered so she could make the gender of her child known. The room laughed as Rhys recited some adorable thing Nyx had done that morning, and for a second you were just lost in the haze. These wonderful people had chosen to spend time with you, and all vowed to support you.
The baby shower and gender reveal passed in a blur. It was just a mess of happy memories. You opened and accepted everyone's gifts (even the sharp "toy" Amren had gifted for "teething purposes". Perhaps Azriel would like that one), and Nuala, Cerridwen and Elain had done an amazing job with the cake, which had either pink or blue frosting inside.
Since you wanted Aiden to keep the gender a secret, you had no idea what colour was in the cake either, and you were equal parts excited yet slightly nervous. If you thought hearing your baby's heartbeat made it real, celebrating this moment with your friends made it unreal. This was truly, really, definitely, happening.
You cut into the cake and it was...
"Pink!" you exclaimed. "Pink! She's a girl!"
Your friends whooped and cheered, Feyre rushed up to hug you, and Cassian immediately bobbed down to your stomach.
"A baby girl! Aw," he cooed. "Uncle Cass is going to spoil you!"
You laughed at Cassian, but he had lifted the mood tremendously. You couldn't believe it. You were having a girl, and you knew she would be perfect.
After the celebrations, Kai came and found you looking into the distance, a forlorn expression on your face.
"Thinking about him?" Malakai asked.
You smiled sadly, thinking about the huge milestone you had just celebrated without him. "I can't help it. I miss my mate." and sent another tug down the bond.
This time, it wasn't reciprocated. Something felt different. You almost thought you heard a cry of pain.
***
“You know, maybe it would help to get out of here a little,” Cassian said one day at training. You were in the middle of sparring with him and Nesta, sweat dripping down your face, but you could tell they were going easy since the birth of your daughter only 5 weeks prior.
"Yeah, y/n,” Nesta smiled as she thrusted the dagger upward. "No harm in a holiday, you work so hard."
You stopped, mid-jab into where Cassian's shoulder would've been as you considered the idea. You hadn't left the Night Court for leisure in over three decades, and a small part of you did long to explore the other courts. Back when you and Az still talked of the future, the two of you had dreamed of holidaying in all the seven courts.
>>>>
"Do you ever think of the future?" you asked, playing with your mate's hair. Azriel paused his reading, humming in thought.
He replied, "Of course, one with you."
You smiled, hands resuming their tousling of Azriel's hair, "I think one day I would like to travel. See all the places that the stories told me about when I was younger."
"That sounds perfect," Azriel replied, now fully sitting up and facing you. His book was discarded, and his hands were drifting up and down your arms. "I am content everywhere with you, but I hear the Winter and Summer courts are especially beautiful."
You made a noise of happiness. "How much wine do you think we would need to buy Rhys for him to gift us one of his luxurious holiday homes in the Winter Court?"
Azriel's laugh ricocheted through the empty house, "My love, I bet it's more wine than we can afford."
You laughed softly, "Well, I guess we better start saving. When I mend relations with Spring and Autumn, we must visit all the courts! Oh, just imagine it, Az."
Azriel's eyes softened. "Have I ever told you how much I admire you?"
You tilt your head, "You tell me every day, but I think I admire you more." you said in a whisper, as if it were a secret. How could it ever be a secret though, with a mate like Azriel?
Azriel smiled but shook his head. "Your job is amazing, y/n. Co-ordinating all these alliances, responding to our people's concerns and solving their problems. Velaris would really be nowhere without you."
You blush under Azriel's heated gaze, and say, "Well, someone's got to earn the bribe money for Rhys' wine."
Azriel laughed deeply, the sound warming your soul. "Well, good thing I make up for my immense lack of income with other skills."
You watched the corner of Azriel's mouth curl up in a smirk. "Don't you agree, my love? Or would you like a reminder?"
>>>>>>>>
When you named your daughter, you cried.
Cerise. Cerise Beatrice Singer.
Beatrice was your mother's name. A mortal name. She was half fae, as her mother was mortal. The courts gossiped for your entire childhood, from when you were six until at least seventeen. They didn't even stop when she died. Eighteen was the year where you couldn't take it anymore. The year you finally left your 'family' and fled into the centre of Prythian. You travelled around from court to court for 4 years until you arrived in the Night Court.
The people of your old village called your mother horrible names. They'd hiss at your mother as she walked across the street, throw all sorts of things at her. They were horrified that a mortal walked the streets of Prythian freely, no matter the fact she had never actually been in the Mortal Lands. No matter the fact she grew up the same as them. No matter the fact that she learnt the same faerie customs in the same faerie schools. No matter the fact that she grew up eating faerie food and wearing faerie-produced clothing.
No matter any of that.
Once, there was a rumour that you heard at school. People were saying your mother used witchcraft to lure herself a man "as great as that scum's father". You hid behind a wall, eavesdropping. The voices were muffled, but it was clear they were talking about you. Aiden was there with you. When he saw you were on the verge of tears, he told you to cover your ears and he hugged you tight. But even his hugs were never as tight as your mother's.
You are remembering thinking that you had never heard such foul language coming from 11-year-old children. You had dared a peek into the classroom, and when you saw the towering figures huddled, you realised. It was the teachers. The teachers using slurs and the teachers belittling the one woman who actually cared about you.
Decades from that day you thought of your past. You thought that, maybe it was true that once, your father had felt love for her. Beatrice bore him 4 children, after all. You knew your mother married him soon after meeting, and when she would brush your hair, back when you were young and the world was simple, she would tell you stories about how he courted her. Oh, how he courted her. Before the age of eight you used to wish for a love story like theirs. But as you grew up, it was plain to see that he felt nothing for her. In the end, one of your father's drunken rages had led to her death, and she died protecting you.
She cared for you when no one else did, in your family. Not your older siblings, and certainly not your father.
When you named your daughter, you cried.
Love and passion. That's what her name meant.
You were going to make sure love was all she felt from her family. Cerise was going to grow up with love. You loved her, your true family loved her, and Azriel would love her. You were sure.
Her raven hair was just like his, her eyes were like his too. Sometimes a piercing green, sometimes a calming brown. Beautiful, just like her father. She had your mouth though; Feyre had told you. When she smiled it was like the sun brightening the sky after a storm, and you had never seen anything better. She loved to laugh, her small eyes crinkling at the corners, her nose twitching. She was beautiful.
Cerise had wings. Small, baby Illyrian wings, but wings none the less. Wings like Azriel. Not wings like your father's, but wings like Azriel's. Majestic and powerful, with the ability to give what you had lacked; freedom.
>>>>>>>>
It had been many months since you told your friends at that fateful dinner, and they had spared no expense, treating you and Cerise like royalty.
Feyre could tell you were drained from your new motherly duties and said she would be happy to take care of your daughter for as long as you needed, but you had refused her offer.
"Oh no, Feyre, that's so kind," you smiled gratefully at your friend. "I will pick a place suitable for the both of us."
You had picked up Cerise from eager Auntie Mor's that morning and had decided. It was time for a holiday.
Feyre's eyes were scanning your face, waiting to pounce on any sign of hesitation. "Besides," you continued. "You have Nyx to think about!"
Upon hearing her son's name, Feyre beamed. "Yes! Oh y/n, I am so excited to have them grow up together." Her eyes softened. "It may seem hard now, but I know you'll be a great mother."
You reached for your friend and pulled her into a hug. "Thank you, Feyre. I get to learn from the best."
When you pulled back Feyre grasped your hands, grinning excitedly. "Now for the fun part. Let's pick a holiday destination; where are we sending you!"
Rhys walked in about an hour after you and Feyre decided to research to find Prythian's best Court for a vacation.
"How about the Day Court?" He suggested. "Helion loves you, and I'm sure both you and your daughter would enjoy the sunshine."
You looked at Feyre who was beaming.
"That sounds perfect."
That's how you ended up holding your daughter, watching as Helion - ever the show-off - had insisted you fly to the Day Court in his finest white carriage, led by the horses with manes of flame. When Rhys had heard about this plan, he just rolled his eyes, telling you that once, he had banned Helion from coming into the Night Court in that carriage, but Helion's loophole was to take you out of the Night Court in it.
"Go easy on the flying, okay? You have a post-partum mother and a baby on board," you said to Helion, only half-joking.
Helion raised one dark eyebrow at you in reply. "Of course. I promise you a mellow ride." He smiled and turned his attention back to his horses. A quick tug on the reigns from Helion, and the three of you were gone.
can't wait for pat 2 of broken bonds! soooo good my heart hurts lol in my head the reader leaves velaris while azriel is gone maybe bc she hears rumors that the queen has taken an illyrian as a lover or something and when azriel is back he's like wtf why did no one tell me my nate is gone and he's kinda spiraling and searches for her for months and finally he finds he in helions court but when he sees her he sees helion coming towards her with a baby wrapped up in his arms and he assumes reader had a baby with helion and just like angssst 👀👀👀
HHAHAHA this is like my fancfic of a fanfic lol anyways cant wait for part two !
ahh thank you anon 🥰🥰!! tysm to everyone who read broken bonds 🩷🩷 ik i said im on hiatus but to celebrate 110 followers (crazy !!!!) pt 2 is officially in progress + its looking like a 3 part series rn
still will be putting tumblr on the backburner for study though 😘😘
summary: azriel and your son attempt to make you breakfast, but it goes horribly wrong.
warnings: none?
word count: 622.
The morning sun streamed through the curtains of you and Azriel's spacious master bedroom, waking you up. You yawned loudly, reaching over to Azriel's side of the bed only to find it empty. Patting the cool mattress, you frowned, thinking that surely, he didn't leave for another early morning? Then you heard loud clanging noises coming from downstairs, Orion's small giggles and Azriel's poor attempts at muffling his noise. Oh, you sighed in relief.
Before you could get up to investigate, however, Azriel appeared, leaning against in the doorway, with a twinkle in his eye.
"Good morning, my love," he said, lips curling into a dazed smile. "Happy birthday."
You beamed, feeling a warm sense of happiness wash over you. "Thank you, Az," you said. "What's going on down there?"
Azriel chuckled. "Orion and I thought we'd surprise you with breakfast in bed. But things aren't going exactly as planned."
You raised an eyebrow, feeling a little worried since last time's family cooking night ended with meatballs stuffed in places where no things should ever be stuffed.
"...Az, what does that mean?"
Azriel shrugged, "Well, let's just say that there's flour everywhere, some pancakes are stuck to the roof, and our son is covered in syrup."
You couldn't help but laugh, worry clearing ever so slightly, imagining the scene in the kitchen. "Sounds like quite the party. You've left him alone downstairs?"
Azriel looked a little sheepish, "He promised to be good!"
Helping you get out of bed, he took your hand and led you down the stairs. As you entered the kitchen, you were greeted with a scene that was both chaotic and heartwarming.
Orion was covered in syrup and flour, but he was grinning from ear to ear, clearly proud of himself for helping his dad make breakfast. Azriel returned to what you assumed was his previous post at the stove, flipping pancakes with a look of intense concentration on his face.
All around your beloved family was a mess of flour, broken eggs and syrup, with pans and mixing bowls scattered haphazardly across the countertops.
You couldn't help but smile at the sight, feeling a sense of overwhelming love and gratitude for your little family. "This is the best birthday present ever," you said, taking in the chaotic scene around you.
Orion shook his head, laughing. "No mama, we got you an even better gift!"
Azriel looked up, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "Orion's right but wait until you see what I have planned for you tonight," he said, nonchalantly. You death glared Azriel, but Orion didn't even seem to notice his father's innuendo, as he was busy going through a bag of chocolate chips. Azriel chuckled, "I'm not sure how edible these pancakes are going to be though."
At the word "pancakes" Orion finally looked up at you with a grin, his syrup-covered face beaming. "Happy birthday, mama!" he said, as you came closer, giggling as he outstretched his grubby hands. He was only 6 now, but you and Azriel both felt he was growing up too quickly.
You gave your son a big hug, brushing away his wavy raven hair and kissing his forehead. Azriel called, "Wait for me!" and the three of you stood in the middle of a dreadfully messy kitchen and embraced.
"Mama, something smells weird," Orion suddenly exclaimed, plugging his nose dramatically.
"Azriel! The pancakes!" Azriel's eyes widened as he dashed back to the stove where a cloud of gas was gathered, rising from the remains of a burnt pancake. Unfortunately for your husband, this time, the pancake wouldn't flip over at all, leaving a foul-smelling mess stuck to the pan.
He smiled sheepishly, "Happy Birthday?"
This, you thought, was what happiness truly meant. Messy, chaotic, and oh-so-sweet.
a/n: hopefully a series :)))) stay with me for the start here okay guys good things come to those who wait 🤡
summary: as azriel leaves for a long mission in vallahan, you find that clinging onto old bonds does nothing to heal them.
warnings: reader's pregnant, falling out of love, angst. dark mental health themes.
word count: 1594.
pt 2 // pt 3 // pt 4 // epilogue?
***
The Night Court was abuzz with activity, as preparations for Azriel's departure on a long mission to Vallahan were underway. The news had come suddenly, leaving everyone scrambling to get everything in order. Azriel was to leave in two days' time, and the thought of being apart from him for so long was almost too much to bear. You had begged and pleaded with Rhys to not let Azriel go, delay the mission, shorten the mission, anything. Obviously, he did not budge on the decision, but you could imagine the strain on a High Lord that war would bring, especially since he also had Nyx now. Ultimately, you did know the importance of his mission. Mor had returned to Velaris as the Night Court Emissary to Vallahan, but she needed backup and Azriel's skillset along with his ability to fly was perfect. He had left for many dangerous missions in the past, but when you had asked Rhys about the duration of this one, you were shocked to hear him say "A year? Maybe two".
Your child would be born before your mate returned.
>>>
You and Azriel had been drifting apart for a while, the once intense passion between you now replaced by a strained silence. It was hard to pinpoint exactly when things had started to change, but you both knew that something was different. Maybe it was your last wedding anniversary, when you had fought over not seeing each other for months due to clashing hours, but that was years ago. A century was a long time to spend in a romantic relationship with just one person, let alone almost two centuries.
You had learned that you were 3 weeks pregnant, a fact that you had been keeping hidden from Azriel for fear of driving him even further away. When Madja had come to heal one of Cassian's injuries that had knocked him unconscious, she had asked to have a word with you afterwards.
"You're with child, y/n," Madja said, smiling as she pulled you into a private room.
"I'm pregnant?" you were in complete disbelief. You and Az had barely even seen each other lately because you were either asleep when he got home, or the other way around. Your immediate thought was to run to Azriel, hug him, kiss him, congratulate him. He was going to be a father. You were going to be parents!
Then you remembered. You two were barely speaking now. A few days ago, there was a disagreement over a dinner date that Azriel was almost two hours late to, and when he finally came, he seemed distracted and uninterested. You had only just started your entrées when Rhys burst into the restaurant with some urgent news, drawing Azriel away and leaving you to eat alone.
"Yes, y/n. Oh, I'm ecstatic for you!" Madja wrapped her delicate arms around your shoulders, but you were frozen. There was nothing worse than not being able to talk to the one you longed for the most.
After your experience with Madja, the only person who really noticed was Feyre, who had asked you what the matter was immediately, and yet again when you refused your favourite tarts. After you told her everything, she had immediately asked Helion to travel to Velaris and help mask your new scent so no one would find out about your pregnancy until you told them. The thought of bringing a child into a war-torn world with parents whose relationship was already on such shaky ground made you feel sick with worry.
However, despite the tension between you, Azriel was still the only person you wanted to be with. You were mates after all, and husband and wife too. You couldn't imagine a life without him, even if it seemed like that was where you were headed. Growing up in the Illyrian camps, books were scarce, but stories traveled by word of mouth. You had heard about the beauty of mating bonds, the love, the desire these couples had, but also the sorrow that sometimes broke the same bonds, the disasters, the catastrophes. They said losing your mate was like losing yourself.
So as you watched him pack his bags, you couldn't help but feel a sense of despair wash over you. The future felt uncertain, and you didn't know how things would turn out. Would you end up like one of the females in the legends you heard as a young girl, so broken by the loss of their mate that they died young and unhappy and unfulfilled?
Flashbacks of better times flooded your mind as you watched Azriel move about the room. The way his eyes would light up when he saw you, the way he would wrap his arms around you and hold you close. It all seemed so distant now. Your afternoons reading by the fire, training together, heavy breathing but content as you walked up the House of Wind's stairs together, just talking and laughing. You remembered the moments where your relationship was new, so fragile you hadn't dared to tell anyone, the two of you sneaking off for just a moment of alone time.
You remembered the day you were mated, oh, how happy and in love you both were. The world had seemed so full of possibility then, and you had both believed that your happiness would last forever. Azriel's whispered promises still echoed against your skin, the memory of where he first murmured them, when your bodies were entwined, and your hearts were beating in sync, was still strong. Back then, the mating bond between you was like a beacon, guiding you to a happier future. You both deserved a better future... Now though? It was dull.
Things had changed. Azriel was leaving for a mission that could potentially be dangerous, last for years, and you were one month pregnant with a child that you didn't know if you could raise on your own.
On the morning of his departure, you couldn't hold back your tears any longer. You fell into Azriel's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. He instinctively wrapped himself around you, shielding the both of you with his wings.
"I don't want you to go," you whispered through your tears. You could hear his heart beating through his armor, comforting and steady, so familiar.
"I know, y/n. I'm sorry," he kissed your forehead and your skin tingled. "I have to though," Azriel replied softly, regretfully, his arms tightening around you. "I don't want to leave either."
You murmured inaudibly, sniffing.
"This mission is important," he continued, hands circling your back soothingly. "We need the Queen of Vallahan to sign the peace treaty as soon as possible."
"But what about us?" you asked suddenly, looking up at him. Were you selfish? Your world on the brink of war and you were worried about your love life?
"What of our relationship?"
Azriel's expression was pained as he looked down at you. "I don't know," he said honestly, his voice barely above a whisper. "Things have been difficult between us, and I don't know how to fix them."
You wanted to tell him about the baby, to beg him to stay with you and start a family.
"As many little ones as you want, love," Azriel had once replied, smiling at you lovingly. You were sitting on the kitchen counter happily, his oversized shirt falling off your shoulders. He had kissed your left shoulder, exactly on your scar, your skin tingling. He pulled the shirt back up but this had only led to the other side falling down more, causing him to smirk a little as he adjusted it, lest you accidentally show more skin than intended if someone made the unfortunate decision to walk into the kitchen that morning.
"But my dear mate, I want what you want," you had replied, smiling, reaching for his hands to kiss their scars.
As you opened your mouth, the words wouldn't come because you knew deep down that it wouldn't change anything. You were a little selfish, but not ignorant nor sabotaging. Prythian would need all the allies it could get, and you were hopeful that with Azriel's persuasion, Vallahan's queen would finally sign.
You slowly pulled away from Azriel, wiping your tears. His eyes softened to an expression almost recognisable. An expression that almost reminded you of your past. Almost.
"I love you, y/n," Azriel said after a while. You smiled sadly, reaching for his hands to kiss their scars like you used to do.
"I love you too, Azriel," you replied, the dull bond in your mind slowly reigniting. Azriel gave you a kiss, longer than all the ones you had shared in the many months of your previous rough patches, and for those few wonderful seconds you felt the spark again, almost like new.
Azriel cleared his throat, gaze averting yours. "Look after yourself."
You held your hand under his chin and made him look at you, before you embraced him closely. The two of you stayed like that for a while before you heard Rhys calling him and the noisy flap of wings from just outside your balcony window.
With one last glance at you, Azriel turned his back with his belongings, pausing at the window when,
"Don't forget me," you called, half-smiling.
"I couldn't if I tried," Azriel replied, pained but honest, before soaring into the sky.
You heard his powerful wings thumping as he soared from the balcony, away from his mate and away from his future child.
As you placed your hand on your stomach, you thought to yourself that maybe things would work out, maybe there was still a chance for you and Azriel to be happy together.
summary: azriel visits your old home after its destroyed during the second fae war.
warnings: this got a tad dark. mentions of war and his mate (you)'s death (off-page), and an unborn child.
word count: 1313.
***
Azriel returned to the home he had shared with you, his heart heavy with grief and anguish. The Second Fae War had ravaged the Night Court and left behind a trail of destruction. As he stepped through the door, his eyes fell upon the ruins that lay before him. The walls were cracked, the roof had caved in, and the once-beautiful garden was now nothing but a wasteland, the roses Elain had gifted you, the ones that the two of you had spent hours tending to, were now nothing but ashes.
Azriel's heart shattered as he gazed upon the ruins of what had once been his home. He walked through the debris, his footsteps echoing through the empty house. He saw the old picture frames that used to adorn the walls, and memories of his mate flooded his mind.
There was one picture that stood out from the rest, a picture of you and him on your wedding day. Azriel reached out to touch it, but his hand only touched the broken glass that lay on the floor, the picture underneath dull and burned.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm the storm of emotions that raged inside him. His siphons flared, and he itched to unsheathe Truthteller, but as his fingers twitched, the flashbacks began. He saw himself and his mate as they had once been, happy and in love. He was about to become a father.
He remembered the way you had smiled at him, the way you had laughed at his jokes, the way you had held him close in your arms. He remembered the way you had kissed him, the taste of your lips, the feel of your soft hands against his marred ones. He remembered the whispered promises, and the whispered sins. The moments he loved, and the unloved ones.
The days and nights you two spent tangled up in crisp, white sheets, exploring each other's bodies until the sun rose. The days and nights where you had cried so hard, begged and pleaded for Azriel to not leave to the point where your throat was raw. You did everything to stop the torture as Azriel put himself on the front line, again and again, as Azriel pushed himself too far, again and again.
He supposed that now all he had left were memories, and they were not enough to ease the pain he felt. What wouldn't he give for one last moment with you?
He fell to his knees, tears streaming down his face as he let out a cry of agony. Lifting Truthteller out of the sheathe you had crafted, he stabbed it into the floorboards, rotted and crumbling, channeling the little energy he had left to plunge the knife deep, his siphons flaring blue, bouncing off the decrepit walls.
"Why did you leave me?" he whispered to the empty house. "Why did you have to go?"
Azriel knew the answer, but it did little to ease the pain he felt. You, his mate had died in the war, a casualty of the senseless violence that had torn their world apart. You were supposed to be safe. A craftswoman, a healer. You were never supposed to be on the front line, so what had happened?
He knelt there for what seemed like hours, until his legs cramped, and his eyes drooped. When he finally got up, he knew that he had to visit one last place. Tears in his eyes, he turned his head, coming eye to eye to the room where he was last happy.
The nursery.
He faced it, the door with the name of their unborn son still painted on it, Feyre's charm for everlasting paint somehow holding when his numerous wards did not. The door still stood tall and unbroken amidst the chaos, like a cruel reminder. Cobwebs hung from the hinges, the star-shaped window in the middle was shattered, but the frame and his son's name, remained virtually untouched.
As he reached towards the doorhandle, the memories of you flooded back. Memories of your laughter, your touch, your smile, your ability to do good and see good in everyone. This remarkable female, his remarkable mate, his remarkable wife, who would have been a mother like never seen before.
But the happiness was brief, because then came the memories of your death. Then came the memories of the way your body had gone cold in his arms, had gone limp in his arms. Then came the memories that detailed how he had watched the light that he loved so much leave your eyes, the blood on his hands yours.
He sank to the ground again, just shy of stepping inside the nursery, body wracking with sobs. Most of his family was gone, the Night Court's remaining allies were unhelpful now, weak themselves. And of the remaining 4 courts, each was depleted in their own way, almost entirely destroyed and unable to support any more than their own dwindling populations.
His mate and his unborn child were gone, taken from him by a war that seemed to have no end.
Azriel didn't know how to go on, how to keep fighting when everything he cared about was gone. There was no point in surviving without joy.
But then Azriel remembered something. And that thing reminded him that he had a duty to fulfill, a war to fight.
He thought long and hard, clung to this small beacon of hope that had graced his conscious thoughts. There were few people alive to fight for. Some of the Inner Circle's loved ones who made it, some of the Inner Circle itself.
Then he thought about the ones who didn't make it, the friends and family he had known for centuries. He would fight for them too.
He first vowed to visit them soon, bring them a rose or two, give them a proper sendoff. Then, he vowed that no one else in his life would receive the same damned fate you did.
And so, he forced himself to stand, to take one last look at the ruined home that had once been filled with love and laughter, filled with the promise of new beginnings, and a family.
Azriel turned and walked away, his steps heavy and slow. His mind was clearer, brighter now, and he knew that the pain of the war would never leave him, that the memories would haunt him forever, but he also knew that he had to keep going, to keep fighting.
His thigh had stopped bleeding now, the arrow head crusted with his blood. His head was not as heavy as it was that morning. His wings were still torn, his shoulder dislocated, but he couldn't spare an ounce of sympathy for himself. He was a monster. He had tortured and killed, had hunted and stalked. Perhaps the Cauldron thought he deserved such a fate, and who was he to disagree?
As he walked away from the ruins of his home, Azriel knew that he would never forget his mate, that he would always carry her memory with him. But he was not the Night Court's Spymaster for nothing. He knew could not let his grief consume him, he had to keep going, no matter how hard it was, because that would mean losing himself, and he wouldn't dare lose the thing you loved most.
He ran a mental finger over your words, his beacon of hope, his saving grace.
"Whatever happens, promise me you won't dwell," you said, the evening before Azriel was to leave for the Winter Court. You had heard Cassian and Rhys in the meeting room earlier that day, planning to divert supplies and visit the Illyrian camps for recruitments, but you knew nothing else. "Promise me you won't let whatever may or may not be coming render you to merely a husk of your old self. I love you, Azriel, and I will never stop, and I just know our son will love you too."
summary: you and azriel bake a cake for your son's birthday.
warnings: none?
word count: 306.
You and Azriel were in the kitchen, baking a cake for your son's 2nd birthday. The two of you were like a well-oiled machine, working together seamlessly to measure out ingredients and mix them together in perfect harmony.
As you worked, you chatted and laughed with your mate, reminiscing. Azriel couldn't help but admire you as you mixed the batter, covered in flour but the happiest he'd seen you in a while, your hair falling in loose waves around your face and your eyes sparkling with joy.
"So," he said, leaning in closer to you, placing a kiss on your forehead. "Are you going to let me lick the bowl when we're done?"
You laughed, a musical sound that made Azriel's heart skip a beat. "I don't know, Az," you teased. "You might have to fight me for it."
Azriel grinned, his eyes flickering with amusement. "I'm up for the challenge," he said, winking at you.
You worked together in silence for a few moments, your movements fluid and synchronized. As you poured the batter into the cake pan, Azriel reached out and took your hand, his thumb tracing small circles on your palm.
"Thank you for doing this with me," he said softly. "I love spending time with you."
You smiled; your cheeks flushed with happiness. "I love spending time with you too," you replied, squeezing his hand gently before bringing it up and kissing his scars.
As the cake baked in the oven, you and Azriel set to work on the frosting. You worked together to whip the butter and sugar together, your movements slow and deliberate, stopping once in a while to check the cookbook Feyre lent you.
As you worked, Azriel couldn't help but steal glances at you. He loved the way your eyes crinkled when you smiled, and the way your lips curved into a perfect bow.
"Hey," he said suddenly, breaking the silence between you. "Do you remember the first time we baked together?"
Your eyes lit up with fond remembrance. "Of course I do," you replied. "It was that apple pie we made for your mother's birthday."
Azriel chuckled, shaking his head, the memory still fresh in his mind. "Yeah, we burnt the crust so badly she had to hack at it with a kitchen knife."
You giggled, your laughter ringing through the kitchen. "But it was still delicious," you said. "And we had so much fun making it."
Azriel nodded, his eyes softening as he looked at you. "We always have fun together," he said. "No matter what we're doing."
You smiled at him, your eyes shining with love. "I know," you said. "And I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else. I wouldn't want to be mated to anyone else, Azriel."
As you finished frosting the cake and placed it in the fridge to cool, Azriel pulled you into his arms, his lips meeting yours in a soft, tender kiss.
You and Azriel had spent the night tangled up in each other's arms, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets and soft pillows. As the morning light filtered through the window, you slowly stirred awake, your bodies still intertwined in a mess of sheets and limbs.
Azriel's eyes fluttered open, and he found himself staring into your face, your eyes closed, your breathing deep and even. He couldn't help but smile as he watched you sleep, admiring the soft curve of your cheek and the way your hair spilled over the pillow like a waterfall.
You stirred slightly, your eyes fluttering open to meet his gaze. You smiled sleepily, admiring how his eyes changed from brown to green in the morning light. "Morning," you murmured, yawning.
"Good morning," Azriel replied, his voice low and gentle. "You look beautiful."
You grinned, rolling over onto your back and stretching languidly. "Flattery will get you everywhere," you teased, eyes sparkling with amusement.
Azriel chuckled, tracing a finger along your jaw, then to your collarbone. "Is that so?" he asked, his voice playful. "I'll have to keep that in mind."
You lay there for a few moments longer, just enjoying the warmth of each other's bodies and the soft rustle of the sheets. Azriel leaned in to press a soft kiss to your forehead, his lips lingering for a moment before pulling back.
"You know," you said, breaking the comfortable silence. "I could get used to waking up like this."
Azriel smiled, his eyes twinkling with faint amusement. "Me too," he replied. "Although I have to admit, I wouldn't mind waking up to the smell of bacon and eggs every now and then."
You laughed, shaking your head. "You and your appetite," you teased. "I swear, you're like a bottomless pit."
Azriel grinned, pressing a kiss to the tip of your nose. "Hey, it's a healthy warrior's appetite," he said, his voice laced with humor.
You rolled your eyes, but your smile belied your exasperation. "Whatever you say, Az," you said. "But if you keep eating like that, I might have to start hiding the bacon."
Azriel raised an eyebrow, a playful glint in his eye. "Is that a threat, my love?" he asked, his voice smooth.
You laughed, sitting up and throwing a pillow at him. "You wish," you said, eyes dancing with mirth. You reached for the dress you were wearing last night, the chill of the morning air causing goosebumps. You felt Azriel's eyes boring into the bare flesh of your back, the small of your waist as you bent over, and from the resounding laugh that echoed down the mating bond, you figured he was enjoying the view. "But seriously," you said, trying to ignore the tingling on your skin. "We should probably get up at some point, we have that meeting with Rhys and Mor today. You should thank Cass too, since he was just so kind to give me the day off," you smirked, knowing the general would be extremely preoccupied with Nesta, and the little gift you bought her while shopping in The Rainbow.
Azriel groaned, pulling the blankets up around his chin. "Don't mention Cass right now." he said. "Besides, Rhys loves us, can't we just stay here forever?"
You shook your head, laughing. "As much as I would love that, I think a certain bub we also have to babysit this morning won't be happy. You love Nyx," you said, reaching over to quickly give him a peck on the lips. "But don't worry, we can always come back here later."
Azriel grinned, pulling you back as he kissed you again. "Oh, I like the sound of that," he said. "Maybe we can even make it a habit."
You blushed, feeling a rush of heat spread through your body. "You're incorrigible."
Azriel just grinned, pulling you back down onto the bed and wrapping his arms around you. "And you love it," he whispered.
summary: you and azriel go on a date to the amusement park.
warnings: vomiting (motion sickness).
word count: 1540.
pt 1 here
As the clock approached 5, the pacing around the room quickened. Your converse scuffed the floor with every step you took, and as you reached the mirror that hung on the door, you stopped to look yourself over, before resuming the pacing. Why were you so nervous? You had hung out with Azriel a million times before, but maybe the word date was just messing you up.
Then you hear it, the sound of the doorbell.
Grabbing your bag and checking that the essentials were inside, you race to the door, heart palpitating.
Breathless, you open it. Azriel had been to your apartment before, but this time, it felt different, and you could tell he was thinking it too, as his eyes darted around the entryway.
“Hey,” you say, taking in his outfit and the bouquet of flowers he was clutching. Even when going to an amusement park, of course Azriel would still be dressed impeccably.
“I got you these. You told me they were your favourites.”
And they were. He remembered.
“They’re gorgeous, Azriel. Thank you.” you smile sweetly at him, smelling the flowers.
“You’re gorgeous.” Azriel replies quickly, his cheekbones flushing.
“Not even through my door and the flattery has already started?” you tease, feeling a warm sense of happiness through your body. “Thanks Az. Let me put these in a vase and then we’ll go, come inside.”
You hold the door for him and hum as you bring a vase out of the kitchen cabinet under the sink, registering him lean against the kitchen island, watching you. The vase was dusty from being unused and after rinsing, you filled it with water and the plant food before arranging the flowers just so.
”I know how you are with plants. Try not to kill it too quick, y/n,” Azriel said, eyes still on you.
You laugh. “No promises.”
This was by far the quietest the two of you had ever been while hanging out together, so maybe the nerves weren’t only affecting you.
As per tradition, while in the elevator you snapped a quick picture of the two of you, reflected on the wall. Azriel crouched down, head on your shoulder while you beamed.
“Look how adorable, Az,” you teased, zooming in on his face.
Azriel brushed a curl away from his forehead and rolled his eyes, wrapping his arms around you as you exited into the chilly night air.
After that, the conversation flowed like normal. You got into his car, a Jaguar XE, and turned on his radio, the two of you singing along. Soon after, you were breathless from laughter, gazing out the window by Az’s head.
“You are too, you know?” you said suddenly.
“I’m what?”
“Gorgeous. You’re so pretty, Az, honest,” you smile at his side profile, admiring his chiseled bone structure and shining hazel eyes as the lights on the road reflected in them.
You could’ve sworn his tan skin flushed, and you smiled to yourself, knowing you made him feel like that. Usually he was the flirtatious one, throwing bold comments around, but tonight felt different.
The two of you joked about how nervous you were before but you promised mentally that you’d try your hardest to make it work, because god, you wanted to make it work. You talked about your parents, Azriel’s brothers, his grandmother, and how he’d been telling her about you.
You’re a little shocked. “Your grandmother knows about me?”
Azriel’s muscular arms grip the steering wheel tightly as he turns and you stop yourself from ogling further, it hadn’t even been 15 minutes since the date started!
“Of course she does. The day I met you, she said I looked like I had seen an angel, and she wasn’t far from the truth,” Azriel smiles softly.
It used to baffle you, how he could just pull smooth lines like that out of nowhere, but it made you happier than you could admit, for you joked that his ego was big enough.
You look at Azriel’s hand resting on his leg, and you crawl your fingers towards him, interlacing them, his thigh warm under your joined hands. You were on a date, you could do this now.
“Your grandmother sounds lovely, Az. I told my friend Feyre about you, and she said she volunteers to be the preacher at our wedding,” you laugh, hoping the mention of marriage wouldn’t ruin the moment you were having.
To your delight, Azriel laughed loudly. You watched his Adam’s apple bob, his jawline, and your heart tugged. You couldn’t believe you were finally going out with him.
A few minutes later, you were at your destination. Azriel expertly maneuvered the car into a tight parking space behind the amusement park. You could hear the shrill laughter of children, the sound effects from the games, smell the aroma from the food trucks, the sweet cotton candy.
“Stay there,” Azriel said, getting out of the driver’s seat before walking around the car and opening your door.
“After you, princess,” he smiled, holding out a hand for you to grab.
“Thank you,” you replied, your lips tilting up.
Under the dusty pink sky, the two of you had the most fun in a while. You went on the Ferris wheel together, ate greasy burgers and buckets of fries, shared a massive cotton candy. You even won yourself a big turtle plushie, but its lopsided eyes and creepy mouth made both your stomachs hurt from laughing. Obviously, Tyrone the Turtle was your new favourite thing.
Afterwards, the two of you walked around the stalls, looking at the novelty prizes and taking in the other sights and sounds.
“Oh yeah,” Azriel said, stopping abruptly.
“No Az, no. No way.” Your eyes widened after seeing where he was pointing, grabbing his arm to tug him in the opposite direction, but to no one’s surprise, he didn’t budge.
“Oh yes, y/n. I bet it’ll be fun!” His eyes lit up like a small child’s upon seeing the Haunted Horrors Mansion. Whose stupid idea was it to put up a haunted house in April anyway?
“I bet it won’t,” you grumbled. “Since the Great Clown Catastrophe of 2011, I’ve sworn off haunted houses, you know this.”
“Ah, but back then you didn’t have me there to save you,” he flashed a grin, pulling you toward the entrance door.
***
“Well, that was traumatic,” you say drily.
“It was,” Azriel agrees. “The worst haunted house I’ve ever been in.”
You glance at each other before cracking up.
In between laughs, you say, “I can’t believe the guy actually fell over trying to jumpscare us, Az.”
Azriel laughs louder, “He tripped on nothing! I bet I could be a better fake serial killer than him.”
“By charming pretty girls before luring them to your cabin in the woods? Sure.”
“How’d you guess?”
“Because that would be my tactic too. Okay, well now we’ve done your thing so let’s do mine,” you smile deviously.
“Y/n, please tell me it’s not that crazy upside-down ride we saw,” Azriel pleaded.
“We’re going on the crazy upside-down ride!” You cheered.
*** (tw: vomit)
The two of you stumbled out of your seats, collecting your bag. Going down the stairs felt like a mission.
“Az, that was traumatic. I didn’t think we’d be dangling for so long!” you say, clutching your stomach.
Azriel steadies you, looking only half-sympathetic before asking, “With a name like Airtime, you thought it would be mellow?”
“No, seriously. I think I’m going to be sick. Hold this!” You stuff your bag into Azriel’s arms and dart for the nearest bush. Azriel stays 5m behind you and winces when he hears you retching. Settling your stuff on a bench, he runs up to hold your hair back for you.
It was gross. The feeling of vomiting, your throat closing up, that awful smell, but you were glad Az was there. He cleared his throat, rubbing circles on your back with his free hand, muttering “good girl, you’re okay” and “take your time”.
When you straighten up, he tucks your hair behind your ears, eyes scanning yours for any sense of remaining discomfort.
“Poor plant,” you sniff.
“Yeah,” Az agrees.
Your smile is shaky, “Well, that was romantic.”
“You bet. You feeling alright now? Have some of my water.”
You take massive gulps, gargling the taste from your mouth. Eugh. Walking back to the bench, you pop a mint in your mouth and offer one to Azriel, who surprisingly takes it, though supposedly hating the taste. The two of you sit there in silence for a few minutes, taking in the moon’s glow, listening to the sounds coming from the carnival behind you.
“What a way to end a date,” you say, smiling at him.
Azriel smiles back, hesitating before asking, “The date’s over? I was hoping to get a kiss.”
“How can you even think about kissing me right now?” You gesture vaguely at the bush, turning your head so he doesn’t see your cheeks heat.
Azriel answers honestly. “I always want to kiss you, y/n.”
a/n: after not writing for months suddenly a wave of azriel appreciation hit me so i wrote this.
summary: you agree to go on a date with azriel.
word count: 399.
pt 2 here.
After your friends suggested you go on “the apps” (”what apps?” “dating apps, dummy”), you’d been swiping meaninglessly, until you came upon someone named Azriel, and you quickly realised that the two of you could talk for hours.
You found out that you go to the same university, and even had a few classes together, but with student sizes of over 100 in all of them, it wasn’t shocking you’d never seen him before. When he proposed you meet after class, you happily agreed, wanting to get to know him better. After a few months of meeting, one afternoon, he dragged you into the alleyway behind the fated coffee cart where you first saw him and asked you on a date.
***
”Azriel, what have we said about pulling girls into dark spaces?”
Azriel scoffed, his trademark grin making an appearance. “Only the pretty ones, y/n.”
“Yeah, yeah. Why are we in here?” You take a sip of your water, and Azriel watched your mouth as a droplet landed on your chin.
“’Cos. I want to take you out on a date.”
You cough, spluttering out your mouthful of water, barely missing Azriel’s nice, new woolen jacket.
“You know just what to do to boost a guy’s ego, love.” Azriel deadpans, but steadying you nonetheless as you bend over, coughing some more.
“You want to take me out on a date. You, Azriel wants to take me out on a date.”
“You sound dazed, have my charms worked too well?” He asks, but you could see his eyes darting around nervously.
“You actually want to date me?”
“Well, yeah. Y/n, you’re gonna need to throw me a rope or whatever the saying is because now I dunno if it was a good idea to ask-,” Azriel starts.
“No, wait! I mean aha... zziipp? Rope thrown.” You mimic reeling him in with a rope, but Azriel just crosses his arms, unimpressed. Come on, you think. That was a little funny.
“Sorry, it’s just that... I know we met on a dating app and everything but since meeting each other for real so long ago, we’ve never even mentioned getting into a relationship. I thought my crush would go unrequited!”
Azriel smiles, “You have a crush on me?”
You huff, eyes rolling. “Isn’t it obvious? Have my charms not been working on you?”
summary: you and draco agree to fake date - (eventual) friends to lovers.
warnings: contains angst, pining and definitely inaccuracies mentioning potions.
word count: 1655.
“Just a bit longer, love,” Draco whispers, mouth close to your ear, making your position seem more intimate than it was. Or maybe it was just you who thought that.
You both sway to the music, Draco’s hands on the small of your back, and your hands are around his neck, your left one absent mindedly playing with the waves of hair on his nape.
The other weddinggoers move around you, some pointing. Hushed whispers erupt around the room, many probably questioning who the mysterious lady with the famous Slytherin Prince was, as except for Cedric and probably Cho, no other Hogwarts students would be here.
“Draco, are you sure this is even working? I think we’re drawing attention.”
“Obviously we are drawing attention. You’re stunning, y/n.” he grins.
You feel your stomach twist with a new sort of feeling. Draco had been complimenting you like that all evening, to the point where you weren’t sure if it was an act or not.
No. It was all an act. Draco reciprocating your feelings was as likely as cats gaining the ability to read.
“Well, Dray, I guess you’re fine to look at as well,” you scoff. He feigns offense and leans closer to your ear again to whisper some more.
“My mother and father are looking, so don’t turn around.”
“Should I fake laugh, or something?” you whisper back, conspiratorially.
“Fake laugh? I’m plenty hilarious, y/n. No, just... lean in more,” Draco says, grasp on your waist tightening as he dips his head to lightly brush his mouth against the corner of yours.
Wow, it was warm in here. Hot, one might even say. Flames were covering your body-
“You okay, love?” Draco breaks you from your trance, but you nod unconvincingly.
“Don’t think about him, and just remember, he’s an idiot,” Draco says.
***
The morning of the wedding was a rollercoaster of emotions. You’d just been broken up with by Cedric Diggory, mascara streaming down and eyes puffy when Draco found you. Cedric had cheated on you with Cho Chang and that morning you went to confront him after Cho had come to your dorm late last night, apologizing over and over, saying she didn’t know you two were dating again. You were always an on-and-off couple with Cedric, and her apologies rang so genuine in your ears, you couldn’t blame Cho, (plus, who were you to allow women to be pitted against other women?). So, you set your mind up to confronting Cedric that next morning after first period, but you were the one who got broken up with.
It was outrageous, and Draco had thought so too as he comforted you, the two of you sitting on your dorm bed. You were grateful for his listening skills, and he was ever the patient friend.
***
“You’re too good to cry over him. He’s a bloody fool to cheat on you, y/n,” Draco said, brushing away a tear. You sniff in reply.
“My parents have got this wedding they’re invited to; Sadly, I’m forced to go. I hear Amos is officiating, so I suppose his son will be there.” He dropped his voice to a whisper. "Why not give them something to talk about? Come as my date, we can act.”
“We can act.” He says.
You’d let out a sob-laugh. Your friend, the one who had stolen your heart for years, was asking you to “act” like you were in love with him.
“No way you’re serious,” you had said, turning to look at him after sob-laughing some more.
“Deadly serious, y/n,” Draco’s brow furrowed as if he was confused to why you thought he was joking. “Come on, love. You need some fun so let’s make that insufferable git jealous.” Draco smirked.
Letting out a soft laugh, you also started to smile. “Okay Draco, I’ll act with you.”
***
‘Okay Draco,’ you replay that morning’s conversation as your pulse races. ‘I’ll act with you.’
He’s kissing the side of your cheek, just as you dance past Cedric. As you twirl away, you see Cho’s sad smile from her seat next to him and you give her your own smile back.
Draco suddenly drops his voice and whispers, “There’s something I’ve got to tell you later,”
“Yeah?” you reply.
“Yeah. But not now, because there’s so many people looking at you like you’re theirs.”
He says ‘theirs’ strangely, like it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. The sudden change in conversation makes you wary, cautious... with excitement and anticipation consuming you.
“I want you to myself,” he finishes.
He wants you to himself.
Your heart flutters at the thought of what he was going to say. You weren’t stupid, anyone with half a brain could hear “I’ve got to tell you something” and “I want you to myself” together and think what you were thinking.
He likes you.
“Draco!” calls a sudden voice as he turns you into a spin, lips brushing your shoulder. Just an act.
Oh no, the voice was Astoria’s. What was she doing here?
“Please do not tell me that’s dearest Astoria calling me,” Draco pleads through gritted teeth as he twirls you around, the happy bride and groom dancing near you. You suck in a laugh, your reaction telling him all he needed to know.
“Dracoo please come dance with me! Dracoo!” Astoria calls.
“Good luck Draco, she’s drunk,” you say with a grimace, slightly annoyed she interrupted your intimate moment. Fake intimate moment, you mentally amended.
“Oh no y/n! She’s drunk!” Draco says at the same time.
“Come onnnn Dray! ‘Cissy would want us toooooo! and Luc-” she hiccups. “Lucie too!” you can hear her frown in her voice as she struggles to pronounce Lucius’ name. Through your peripheral vision you see her come hurtling toward you, half-full flute of some alcoholic drink in hand.
“Oh god, y/n. From previous experience I can tell you she is not going away until she gets what she wants,” Draco groans, dragging a hand down his face as he turns away from her.
Your heart deflates a tiny bit and you both loosen your grips. “Oh, okay. I guess you better go dance with her.”
Your heart throbs. Of course this would happen while you’re on the precipice of the conversation which could change your entire relationship. And of course, it’s Astoria “will-steal-your-yule-ball-date” Greengrass who ruins it.
Draco cocks his head, earnestly saying, “I’ll be back soon. I promise.” before kissing your cheek and floating away from you and into Astoria’s waiting arms, for the second time in 3 years.
***
Two hours later, you’re sitting by the chocolate fountain dipping fruit when you finally see Draco’s silhouette, but he’s stumbling towards you.
“Draco, it’s been forever, where’ve you been?” you ask before realizing you... had no business knowing. After all, you weren’t his girlfriend. Merlin, why did you feel so bitter?
You soften your voice, “Sorry, you just promised her one dance and it’s been a while.”
You closely inspect that Draco’s dress-shirt is rumpled, his hair messy and his tie is nowhere to be seen. He sits next to you and the heavy smell of something strong envelopes you both. Something weird. It’s pungent, yet comforting, like green apples and mint.
“Fuck, y/n,” he finally mumbles. “How long have I been gone?”
“Over two hours.”
“I just got so caught up with Astoria. I think she...” he trails off, looking dazed.
This was outrageous. Draco Malfoy had all but told you that he liked you and then goes and does merlin-knows-what with Astoria?!
Terrible. Terrible, terrible feelings. Jealousy was seeping out your every pore, and you were getting ahead of yourself.
“I’m glad you had so much fun with her,” you say. “That you forgot about me.”
“No! I didn’t forget you, y/n, I went upstairs first, and- bloody hell, I feel so sick.”
“Went upstairs? You told me you were going to dance, Draco!”
“Yeah, maybe?” He looked queasy. “But she handed me a drink and tried to-”
“You think? Draco, you’ve been gone almost 2 and a half hours and you think you danced?” you interrupt.
“I told you, y/n. I don’t remember. That drink, I think it was-,” comes his reply.
“You know, now I think about it, you just weren’t quite hesitant enough to go with her!” you spit, voice low but rising.
“What? It was a mistake, y/n! You’re getting so riled up over what?” Draco counters, anger in his gaze.
“You’re my best friend Draco! Why I can’t be worried about you?” you shriek, attracting attention. Draco huffs and you sigh, before saying, “You just left me there for Astoria and whatever the hell you did ‘upstairs’, but oh, forbid me if I show concern or my disapproval?” you hiss.
Draco’s face changes and his brows furrow.
Not wanting to argue (more than you already had in the foyer), you drag him by his hand and pull him into the hallway, noticing his 2 usual silver rings are gone from his right hand, and his wrist has some pink stain on it, like lipstick.
“Well, y/n,’ Draco continues in the hall, voice louder now. “You’re my best friend. Not my girlfriend. Why the hell would you care what I’m doing?”
Skipping over his question you just say, “Oh, believe me, Draco! I know I’m not your girlfriend!’ you shout, cheeks slightly heating. For a second you regret it, hoping it didn’t give your jealous feelings away, but to your relief and also utter dread, Draco replies, “And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
You had never been subject to his quiet rage to an extent like this, but it didn’t scare you. The faint golden light from the foyer filtering through the stained glass on the hallway door and onto him, the glow lighting his features.
You inhale. “I hope Astoria was a good fuck.” and turning on your heels, you walk away.
Happy Anniversary, love. Or rather, sad anniversary. I hate that the worst event of my life occurs on what was the best day of my life.
Yes, I know. I am stupid and shut people out. I don’t like to admit I’m wrong, I’m cold sometimes, and you could probably list a million more faults and even though I’d protest, you’d be right. I miss that about you, your brutal honesty but I miss all of you beyond what words could convey.
I haven’t seen you in over a year because of him, but he said it was to protect you. God, y/n. God, I wish it were any other way, I wish I could somehow steal a Time-Turner and go back and protect you from all of it. All I want is your safety.
You’re so far from me now, but I hope you’re safe and happy. Promise me that you’re safe and happy.
The Dark Lord (as Father has forced me to call him) keeps me from knowing anything important. He says it’s because I’m not ready. Father says that, I mean. I don’t think Voldemort cares about me anymore. He used me to try kill Dumbledore and now I’m just discarded. I tried to stop him, y/n. I did, I promise you I tried.
But you know all this. You knew I wouldn’t be able to kill Scrimgeour (Voldemort’s did that himself.), but now, in the eyes of every Death Eater I walk past, my father, him, I’ve failed. Between you and me? I’m glad I did because that was one of my last moments with you, right before the battle.
I’m sending this letter by owl to your parents now. They’ll put it in a place I hope you will be able to find, but I know you won’t read it. Because you can’t read it.
Every night I hate myself a little more for letting you go.
You’re laughing at how cheesy that was. But please keep laughing because it’s a beautiful sound and I think we all need some beauty right now.
Love you always,
D.M.
-
P.S: It’s now the 2nd of May 1999. Almost the 3rd because I’ve been up so long thinking if I should even write this note, but by now we both know I’ll always have more to say when it comes to you, so here it is. It’s been exactly a year since I found out you died, and three since your actual death. This is my 12th letter. I don’t want to say this is my last, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I love you. I’ll see you soon.
a/n: can you tell i’ve never used tinder and had to google things like “what number is a lot of tinder matches” 💀💀
summary: you and your roommate draco decide to start a fun romance competition but unbeknownst to Draco, you fell in love with him when you were 12...
warnings: none?
word count: 1914.
Saturday morning - 9:32 am:
“Wanna play a game?” your roommate asks.
“Sure,” you reply. Although this was only the second week of holidays, you two were already bored out of your minds. “We could play Uno again, but that’s getting boring. Or maybe Scrabble, Pictionary, Cluedo...” you glance at your board game cupboard, listing them all before looking back to Draco, who’s shaking his head.
“No, it’s this game I saw my friends play, on your phone.”
“Other friends? I thought I was your one and only,” you shake your head disapprovingly.
“Very funny, y/n. No, it’s Tinder.” he answers, grabbing his phone and moving closer to you on the couch.
“Tinder? There’s games on there now?” you ask, confused.
“No, the game is Tinder. You set a time limit, say, three days, and the person with the most matches by the end gets to dare the other people to do something,” he explains.
“Oh. I always like a good competition,” you say. “’Get the most matches on Tinder in three days to dare the loser’ isn’t the most catchy name, but I trust you to buy a good trophy for me, since you’ve have so much practice.” you gave him a saccharine smile.
You and Draco had a little trophy cabinet where the loser would buy the victor a trophy with whatever the competition’s name was engraved on the outside. It had become a game between you two, the winner at the end of the year would... It was undecided, but you were going to make sure Draco’s punishment was bad, or at least, totally hilarious. So far the tally was 5 to you, and 4 to Draco.
“It’s only a one trophy difference! Anyway, make a new Tinder account, fake information but choose any pictures of real you.” he says.
You quickly sign up, and pick 5 of your best photos.
“’If you like water, you’ll already love 70% of me ;).’’ you laugh and look away from his phone. “Really, Draco. Pickup lines?” you snorted. “That’ll never work in this day and age.”
He smirks. “We’ll see, y/n. I’ve heard I can be pretty charming.”
You roll your eyes at the reference to what 13-year-old you had said when he talked you guys out of detention.
At 10am, you guys were ready to begin.
|| You: 0 matches || Draco: 0 matches ||
Sunday evening - 8:24pm:
The whole day, you were furiously on your phone, swiping right, right and right. You tried to keep an open mind and had inputted no preferences to try give yourself an advantage, but 24-year-old Dudley Dursley was still living in his mother’s basement with his girlfriend. Yeah, girlfriend. The guy put it in his bio. Even though this was a game, Fake Y/n was not about to be a homewrecker.
“You alright there, love?” asks Draco. “Your thumb might need a break.” he laughs at you. You noticed he had been staring for a while now, watching your thumb as it furiously swiped right, with the occasional exception of people like Dudley Dursley.
“No, I’m fine, thanks. I see you haven’t been swiping too much. Why?” you demand, not looking up from the screen.
You see him arch an eyebrow and he whistles. “Your concentration right now is intense. I think I’ve done enough, today. My matches have been rolling in.”
This makes you look up. “Rolling in?” How many have “rolled in”, Draco?”
He smirks, “Maybe 17?”
“You’re joking!” you say, mouth open in shock. Your eyes lift up from the phone and just briefly you catch him looking at your mouth.
“I’d never lie to my one and only friend.” he picks up his phone and walks out of the kitchen.
|| You: 5 matches || Draco: ??? matches ||
Monday morning - 5:11am:
The next morning you woke up early, despite being up late googling the best way to get matches. To your delight, you found that overnight you’d matched with 9 more people.
“Draco?” you walk into his surprisingly clean room and dramatically throw open the curtains. “Wakey wakey!” He had work at 8, but you were looking forward to bothering him enough to at least get him to spill some of his secrets.
He groans, and his muscular arm flexes as he grabs his blanket and covers his eyes. “What is this,” he mumbles with one eye open. “sick joke?”
“Is it working? Mind if I... take a quick peek at your match number?” you give Draco your sweetest smile and he smiles too. God, he had a great smile, even first thing in the morning.
“Whatever, love, just let me sleep before I have to work.” he yawns and snuggles back down into his bed. Like the very best friend you are, you use his phone to take a picture, send it to yourself, and then set it as his lock screen. Snickering, you sneak out of his room, his phone in your hand.
“Wrong password?!” you whisper to yourself. Draco changed it?! It used to be his birthday, what was it now? You tried 0000, 1111, 2222 and all the other basic combinations. His mum’s birthday, even his dad’s - even though their relationship wasn’t the best - but lastly, yours. To your surprise, it unlocked.
My birthday? You think. Why would it be my birthday?
Oh well. You resist looking through his photos and move right on to the good stuff. His matches.
He lied. 17 matches? More like 6.
You smile happily, very content with your findings. Unable to resist, you take a quick peek at his messages, searching your name.
Why, why, why was your best friend the last person he’d used your name in conversation with? The preview of the text merely said: “Y/n will love it, Draco, good luck!”
What is this thing Pansy was so sure you’d love? You’d have to confront him about that later.
Monday afternoon - 4:30pm:
"I’m back,” Draco calls, voice echoing through the hallway.
“Hey Dray, café busy today?” you ask while flipping through a book.
“Actually not really, but you know what was busy? My phone. All those Tinder notifications were blowing it up.”
“What? How?” you bunch your eyebrows and stare. “You were literally working.”
“Every girl I served, I showed her my Tinder, and I think she made sure we matched.” He snickered.
You laugh but roll your eyes. “That’s cocky. How many matches are you on now?”
“Cocky? I prefer charming, but I have...” he looks at his screen. “15 matches now.”
You take in this information, trying not to smile. Four more people added you throughout the day, so you were only barely in the lead. Time to start furiously swiping again.
|| You: 19 matches || Draco: 15 matches ||
Tuesday morning - 9:54am:
“Malfoy,” you nod your head. Across the room, Draco smiles.
“Last names now? Someone’s in game mode.”
“I was in game mode long before this, just thought I would go easy on you before, make sure you remember me being nice before I totally obliterate you in this competition.”
“You’re intense,” he teases, moving to lean against the kitchen cabinet across from you.
“I checked your phone this morning. 19 matches? Cute. I’ve got 22.” You’re feeling pretty good about yourself right now, intimidating him and all.
He claps slowly. “That’s great, love, but there’s still 6 more minutes.”
“That’s... fine. These next,” you glance at the clock to make sure. “5 minutes I will be swiping so intensely, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”
He walks towards you. “Really, y/n/n? Nothing?” You turn around and face the kitchen island, hiding, his eye contact making you go red. Suddenly, you feel something behind you. It’s Draco. Of course.
You turn around, mouth open, about to belittle him for thinking flirting will make you go easier when you see his eyes flicker to your lips and your breath catches in your throat. He meets your eyes, in silent question. You nod.
“No, love, I need you to say it,” he brushes your hair behind your ear, the contact making you squirm.
“Draco, kiss me.”
And then he does. One hand wraps around your waist, his other tangles in your hair. He kisses you like you’ve never been kissed before. He kisses you like he wants you. Needs you, needs this moment more than anything. You know you do.
He kisses you and you feel time stop and slow down and get quicker all at once. Or maybe it just stops.
He kisses you like he’s been waiting for this moment his entire life.
He kisses you... and everything’s perfect, exactly where it should be.
You pull away, breathing heavily. He rests his forehead against yours, and he smiles. You bite your lip, nervous. You two had never crossed that line before. All those times you thought he felt something too, but you had been too scared to act. You start to smile, the stereotypical line of, “If I knew you also felt that way, we could have been together for years now!” in your head.
“If I knew you also wanted that, y/n, I would have obliged you long before now.” Draco admits, voice rough.
Oh my god.
“If I knew you also wanted that, Draco, I would not have stopped you if you did kiss me long before now.”
For a moment, it’s all smiles and laughter, before a shrill, piercing noises hits the air.
Draco starts to laugh even harder. “Sweetheart don’t tell me that’s an alarm. You really did get competitive.”
You look down, embarrassed it ruined your perfect moment. “N...No? Pssh, what alarm?”
“I know what you’re thinking. It’s not like our moment was ruined,” he says, eyes staring deep into yours. “I have a feeling every moment with you from now on will be perfect.”
“Watch less romance, Draco,” you deadpan.
“What can I say, I’ve been told I’m charming.” he shrugs, and you grin.
“I wouldn’t doubt that Dray,” you say sincerely. “But I have to ask... why did you change your password to my birthday? I’m sorry for snooping but I just have to know. Why did Pansy tell you I was going to love something?”
His eyes widen.
“I- I didn’t expect you to see the messages. I mean, the password I knew you’d get, but...” he takes a deep breath.
“Before I walked into the kitchen and we kissed, I changed my password again. It’s the year we met. The year I fell in love.” he admits.
“You’re lucky I’m in love with you too, because that was almost too cheesy,” your smile grows.
“Yeah?” Draco smirks and you nod.
“I had this whole date night prepared, and I showed Pansy, and she said you’d love it, but... Never mind now, right?” he smirks even more and puts his arm around you. “I want to be yours, now,” he says softly.
“I can’t believe you had plans!” you say, caught up in the fact that the Malfoy heir planned a date night?!
“I was going to wait until after this whole game these last few days, I couldn’t keep listening to you go on about the hordes of matches you had.” He smiles sheepishly. “And I hated listening to you read messages.”
You grin. “Jealous, Draco? It’s okay,” you affirm. “I’m yours now, I promise.”
a/n: very cliche and ooc character draco, he’s smilier :)
summary: you and draco sneak out of a party to stargaze.
warnings: party setting, fluff and flirting lol.
word count: 1022.
I look around the room, clutching my cup harder than necessary. The dim lights did not make it easier to spy my friends, though. The tight, green silk dress I was wearing felt hot and itchy on, even though it was freezing in the Slytherin common room. I looked in the mirror before leaving, and Daphne said I looked beautiful, and I certainly felt it then, but the hairs on my neck were standing up. I almost felt like I were being constantly watched. But then again, it’s a party with over 60 people, so I was probably right.
I look around for Daphne and Pansy and see them dancing together. They’re laughing and smiling, and then I see them kiss, and for the first time too, I imagine. I laugh to myself. Daphne had been going on and on about Pansy these last two weeks before the party. I’m so happy to see it worked out for her. And secretly happy I don’t need to listen to her pining over Pansy but can instead listen to her excitedly talk about Pansy instead.
“Hey,” a voice next to me. I turn around and face Draco.
Even though we shared a friend group, I was new to Hogwarts this year, from Beauxbatons, so I wasn’t really close to anyone except Pansy, Blaise and Daphne.
Before I got to know him, I’d seen him in class. Always disruptive with Crabbe and Goyle yet always getting an outstanding grade. I’d seen him in the hallways, picking on first years and cursing the muggleborns or half-bloods. When I first saw him, he was bullying some poor Gryffindor second year. Not the best first impression but when we’re better friends I’ll grill him on his behaviour. You laugh at the thought.
He was so intimidating, yet so enigmatic. Sure, he’s tall, and good-looking and smart and all sorts of other things. He was an enigma.
“Hey,” I reply.
“You look like you’re not enjoying the party,” he says, turning towards me and copying, his head also resting on the wall.
I laugh, and see him smile, just slightly. “I dunno, maybe I like standing in dark corners alone, Draco. You’ve just insulted me,” I deadpan.
He laughs (a nice sound, you note) and you grin.
“I see Pansy and Daphne are over there together,” we glance over and my smile widens. “About time,” he says to me.
I laugh again. “Yeah, definitely.”
The silence stretches between us.
“Y’know, y/n, I didn’t even want this party,” he admits. I cock my head.
“But it’s literally for you, to celebrate Slytherin’s quidditch win. Honestly, Dray, you were great in that game, even in the rain you caught the snitch!” I smile.
His eyes widen slightly. “Dray?”
My eyes widen slightly. “Sorry, is that not okay? I mean I hear Daphne and Pansy call you that all the time and we’re friends, right? I’m rambling. I’ll stop.” I tuck a stray lock of hair behind your ear, using this moment to hide my embarrassment and look down.
“No, no, it’s fine. I like hearing you say my name.” He smirks. I watch him run a hand through his already disheveled hair, causing it to look even messier. He looks at the door behind me.
“Who even says that anymore, Draco? It’s so cliché,” I mutter. Deep breaths in, and out to slow my racing heart.
He just shrugs, a small smile playing on his lips. You watch his eyes travel down your dress and he starts to smile. “You always look beautiful.”
An unsteady breath comes out. “Thank you... Dray.”
I was testing the waters with his nickname, as one might say. But I’ll consider the waters “tested” and my mission failed, because the silence stretched again, a little awkward this time.
Then, standing on my tippy-toes, I fixed a loose strand of hair curled near his ear. My breath hitched as he bent down and let me smooth it out.
Draco smiles, and my heart aches. “Wanna leave here?” he asks.
“And go where?”
“I know a spot, and it’s dark out, so it’ll be great.”
I follow him through Hogwarts’ many hallways and up many flights of stairs until we reach the astronomy tower.
“Don’t tell anyone this, I have a reputation to uphold,” he jokes. The open air feels nice on my skin, but I still feel hot. Maybe it’s just the proximity. You shiver slightly.
“Ha, ha, Slytherin Prince likes to... doodle pretty stars?” you smile as he pulls out a small notebook from his pocket and lets you flick through the pages.
“Funny, y/n. It’s astronomy, I’m drawing the constellations. The Slytherin Prince doesn’t just ‘draw pretty stars’. Though I wouldn’t be opposed to using my spectacular artistic ability and drawing you.” He winks smoothly. You feign disgust and slap his arm, laughing uncontrollably.
You mock him. “Is it because I’m just such a pretty, shining star in your life?” You’re only a little bit shocked by how bold you are.
“Undoubtedly, y/n/n.” He smiles at me with what I hope for my heart’s sake is mock affection. I’m surprising myself with how fun it is to be around him, and how carefree I feel. My friend Ilaria from Beauxbatons would joke that it’s the “friends to lovers trope”. I smile inwardly at the memory of her and her excessive referencing to romcom book tropes.
“Maybe someday, Draco.”
“Call me Dray.”
“Okay, Dray.”
This time, when the silence stretches, it’s not awkward. We both lie on our backs and he points out all his favorites. He tells me about Sirius, Scorpius and Lyra, his top three. It’s adorable that he has top three favourite constellations.
“I’m named after a constellation.” he says suddenly, looking over at me.
“That’s such a cool backstory. Actually, Lyra and Scorpius especially are such cool names. I can see why someone would want to name their kids after constellations.”
He sits up, and I do too, slightly confused. “Yeah, you’re right. Those would be the perfect names for our kids,” he laughs loudly.
pixelskylines
areudirty
theartofmadeline
romaincrisis