Some of the symptoms that may affect our ability to maintain relationships are (but not limited to):
Frantic efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment: For those of us who struggle with this symptom, the fear of abandonment can lead to extreme behaviors. These behaviors may eventually push the other person away. Because of a fear of abandonment, some people with BPD also believe that it is safer to leave before they can be left.Ā
Splitting (also known as idealizing/devaluing, black/white thinking, and all/nothing thinking): We often have trouble seeing the āmiddle groundā in situations, and so instead we label things as either āall goodā or āall badā. We do this in our relationships as well. Ā One minute we may love someone and the next we think we hate them. We sometimes even split within ourselves. When weāre doing well, we believe weāre āgoodā people and worthy of love and affection. When we experience feelings of shame, we may instead believe weāre ābadā people and deserve for awful things to happen to us. This can deeply affect our relationships. If weāre in a state of mind where we donāt believe we deserve love, weāre less likely to accept it. This can make a relationship chaotic and unstable due to the constant pushing and pulling.Ā
Inappropriate anger/difficulty controlling anger: Some people with BPD experience intense anger. This anger can be experienced in different ways. Some may draw their anger inward and feel deep shame, blaming themselves for almost everything. Others may project that anger outward, expressing that the fault is on other people. There are also many people with BPD who struggle with outwardly expressed and internalized anger. Sometimes their anger is internalized, other times itās externalized. The inability to properly examine and express anger can severely damage the health of a relationship.
Meaningful relationships are an important part of life. This brings me to the next point: the stigma surrounding BPD is quite harmful. Many people have gone as far as to say that a relationship with those who have BPD is downright āimpossibleā. This is very untrue and, quite ironically, a very black and white way of thinking. A relationship with a person who has BPD is likely to require more patience, understanding, and communication (from everyone involved) than a typical relationship, but is very much possible. In fact, a relationship with someone who has BPD can be very rewarding, as many of us are known to express deep empathy and compassion. It all comes down to whether or not youāre compatible, as well as the amount of work the person on both sides of the relationship is willing to put in.
There are a few things that are important in keeping a relationship healthy:
Communication: This is a priority in any relationship.Ā Itās crucial that you are as open as possible with your partners and friends. This is especially important for those of us who have BPD due to our emotion/thought dysregulation. The more we communicate, the more validated we will feel. We tend to keep our feelings and thoughts to ourselves because we fear weāre āoverreactingā or āshouldnātā be upset. In a healthy relationship, the other person really will listen to you and try to help despite those fears. Sometimes we need a little help to sort out the mumbo-jumbo in our brain. Interpersonal Effectiveness skills will help.
Support: Itās important to be with someone who will put effort into understanding BPD and what it means for you to have it. BPD is a huge part of our lives. Recovery is an on-going process and requires a lot of work and dedication. It can be quite hard if youāre not being offered the support you need by loved ones. Sometimes you may need a little extra help to keep yourself on the road to recovery. This is perfectly okay and even encouraged. Having a strong support system can keep you feeling positive and appreciated ā an important aspect of any recovery journey.
Patience: Not only from your friends/family/significant other, but towards yourself. As you go through therapy (such as a DBT program) and learn new skills/ healthy ways to cope with stress, that patience will make a significant difference. The skills you learn will likely take a lot of time and energy from you. Be patient with yourself. Your friends/family/etc. will need to understand this, too. They may not see progress for a while; change and growth take time. This doesnāt mean itās not happening.
In conclusion: Although relationships can be difficult for us, theyāre certainly possible. Our mental illness does not define our worth or capability. People with BPD are very deserving of loving relationships.
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