Stepping Off
I started listening to an audio book today, ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck‘. Less than a minute into the book, I knew it was kismet; I was already smitten! Although I’m only beginning chapter two of the book, I am already certain that this author has done an extraordinary job of taking my thoughts, and probably the thoughts of many others, and rather eloquently placed them on paper to the point of not only making sense but making fun, too!
A blog is something I’ve considered for a while but always talked myself out of it; because why blog, when you can journal? I’m not sure I yet fully understand the need to blog vs. journal but today, with the “fuck-it” mentality, blogging felt necessary. Having not read many blogs, this goes against my typical standard of researching/practicing before doing. Today, I’m saying fuck-it and just going to write because ultimately, this is for me, no one else!
Lately, I’ve come to a crossroads in my life. Having a successful career, which I am incredibly grateful for and appreciative of, I’m finding myself realizing more and more that I am living to work and stressing myself out like crazy because of it! I’ve been mentioning to my friends for over a year that I want to quit my job. Naturally, I receive dumbfounded looks in return; “What are you goin to do?” “Do you have enough money saved to get by?” “Shouldn’t you look for a new job, first?”. You would think I told them I was going to rob a bank or something!?! It’s interesting that no one takes the time to really listen and hear my reasoning.
Through the past year, I have gone through some emotional shit; breakup with boyfriend (twice), overwhelmed at work, moving. Not much in words but emotionally, it is a lot. To top it off, I am single and deal with a mild case of anxiety, which causes me to put additional pressure on myself to be the best at everything I do. It creates a bit of Type A; it I can’t be perfect at it, I won’t do it. It’s personal pressure to be “successful” so I can attract and have “everything”.
This year, I’m on target to make over $400,000. I don’t say that to brag, only to level-set. This is the most money I’ve ever made in my life! More than I ever expected to make! Not going to lie, it’s rather fun to have those types of funds in my bank account. I’ve been able to pay off debts, contribute significantly to my 401(k) and build a savings. Being in my early 40′s, it is the first time in my life where I feel that I am going to be OK, financially. Not only, OK but with the ability to splurge! I was in Vegas this spring and ended up purchasing a $2,400 Chanel bag. It’s beautiful and I love it but want to know how many times I’ve used that bag so far? ONCE! Know what else? I feel a little pretentious when I do have it.
Still, I have the visceral desire to quit my job and move. Making the most money I have ever made has also caused me to deal with a significant level of stress. On top of stress, living in Southern California, I am finding myself becoming more claustrophobic as I settle into my 40′s. I want a house with a yard, neighbors who know and talk to one another. A community like I had growing up in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Granted, I don't want to go as remote as the UP since I am now a bit of a city girl but I do want some breathing room.
Lack of space translates into lots of people. Being someone who is sensitive to energy, a claustrophobic living environment is incredibly draining on me, emotionally. Mix this with an office energy I haven’t really yet been able to figure out, I find myself in a constant state of exhaustion. My gut knows my days, as they exist today, are numbered. I do nothing and I grind myself into exhaustion and bodily failure. OR I say, “Fuck it!”, quit my job and move! To me, asking myself, it’s not really a question. Yes, the fuck-it approach may seem illogical to people but I’ll find another job (actually have one possibility already in the works). And money? I definitely do like the money but I’m willing to take a slight pay cut for my health and well-being. If by making a little less money I can have time to laugh more, find a hobby or shit, have a relationship, it is well worth it to me! To me, THAT would be “success” and having “it all”.
The Southern California sun, gorgeous weather, beaches...they all have a price tag. Not only a financial one but a cellular one, as well. It is paradise on the outside but inside, it’s a postcard you enjoy and remember. Home, where you can breathe, relax and be yourself without giving a real fuck, that all happens outside of California. Ultimately, after 17 years, I no longer want to fit the SoCal mold. I don’t want to pretend everything is perfect when it’s not. I don’t want to fake smile daily. I want to look out my window and see my yard, not my neighbor’s house. I want to be closer to my roots, who I am within my core and I don’t want to explain myself to people.
So the Not Giving A F*ck book, that book helped clarify so many of the questions I have been juggling in my mind for over a year! One chapter into the book and I was clear on letting go and focusing more on what I enjoy; time at the gym, time with my dog, sunset walks, movies. All of which I can do outside of Southern California! All of which I WILL do outside of SoCal!