Not Yet A Father

This is a blog for my future son/daughter. The lessons I've learned and want to share with you as I live my daily life. You know, in case I forget someday.

[notyetafather-blog]

Depression... Here’s the happy side of the story, I’m through it. The crappy thing is it is now in our family and genetics. Meaning, you guys have a higher possibility to suffer from it. This tattoo symbolizes what I’ve been through and this tattoo has been one of the greatest things I’ve ever done for my mental health. I knew that getting the tattoo in a visible place would push me to be more open about it and in doing so it became one of the greatest choices I have ever made. I’ve talked to strangers, family members, friends, all of which had no idea I suffered from it. And in doing so it released the stigma, the negative connotation it had when I said or heard the word in the air. It released it’s hold on me in a way. At the time, I was doing very well and I was a lot better than I had been in a long time. There was still the occasional time when it creeped up on me, so I had to keep my guard up, but for the most part I was well. Then I got the tattoo and coming clean, in a way, to everyone around me released this weight, I didn’t even know was still there. I am happier and better and I feel more conscious day to day then I’ve EVER felt. The point of this entry is for me, therapeutic in a way, to write to you and to let you know that if you go through it, there is a way out. And a lot has to do with it’s hold on you. So release it. Talk about it. A lot if you have to. More and more, until you feel you no longer have a negative feeling inside of you when you think of it. If you need a symbol to remind you, to show other people, which in turn gets you talking, then we’ll talk about it. Because, I know it helped me and it could possibly help you. Talk to me, your mother, anyone. We’ll get you help and we will be here to help you through it, because it is possible to overcome it and the best advice I can give you is to talk about it.  

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In case I don’t get to fulfill my wildest career dreams, this is the movie I one day intend on making. I know, I know, this was already made and therefore I can’t make it, but I mean I could make Guardians 4?!  This has everything I wanted to make in a movie: superheroes, comedy, space opera, great references. I hope I get to share this with you one day, but know that if I haven’t become the director I want to become (Which I won’t stop until I do, so this is really null and void) this is the movie I wish I could have made. This has everything about me in a movie. And if I’ve done my job right, even at age 10, you get all the references! (If you don’t, always ask!)

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Here’s a movie I want you guys to watch. It works when you’re young, because it can help show you how to describe your emotions to us, (me and your mom) and also teaches some really valuable lessons. It shows you it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to have these bad feelings inside and more then anything it’s important to show them, to not be afraid or hide them inside. Sadness is a part of life and sometimes it’s okay to cry. The first time I watched this movie, I LOST it. I mean I was crying hard. I think this may be the most I ever cried in a movie. It was so bad a kid happened to turn and see me. He tapped his mom on her shoulder and they both turned to me to see me crying, tears streaming down my cheek, lol. This movie really, really resonated with me because of some things in my past. It started when I was really young, I used to hold all the anger inside and it would build up until I would explode. That was not good for me at all. Later in life, I began to hold in all the sadness and that built up over time and that was really bad for me. But that is something you need to be older to read. So I’ll write about that another time. This entry is a happy one. Watch this movie. Watch it when you’re young, a teenager (you probably won’t want to watch it then, but I promise you it will help.), a young adult and even an adult. It will mean different things to you as you get older as it has a lot of messages for every age group and a lot of complexities you just won’t understand until you go through some of the things it shows. This movie is one of my favorite movies, hands down. Heck, I saw it twice this weekend just to show your grandmother and aunt the movie. Oh! Did I mention that a dream job of mine is to make movies for Pixar? This is why. This is the type of movies I want to make. Ones that mean something to people and ones that people can relate to and connect to.  Hopefully, I’m right next to you showing you the movie because I know that day will be a really happy day for me. 

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Father’s Day

This is a tricky post in that I don’t know exactly how to approach this. At some point this post may even be deleted, depending on the future. My uncertainty comes from the fact that I don’t know what kind of relationship you will have with you grandfather, if any. You see a while ago, when your grandmother and grandfather separated, it hurt your grandfather so deeply. It was so deep in fact that he couldn’t recover. Even if he was an older man, inside he was still a youth and became really angered with everyone over it. In truth, he didn’t know how to deal with the separation from his wife, his way of life, which was the only thing he had at the time because he was going through quiet a difficult period. This wasn’t your grandmother’s fault by the way. Both of them had issues and a lot of growing up to do and in truth they both got married way too young. (See another reason to wait until everything is right and you’ve grown into the person you will be *Age 26 MINIMUM!) They had me and raised me and for that I will forever be grateful to both of them. And in truth your grandfather was quiet the father throughout my childhood. Yes, he had his moments of being rough around the edges, but he was an amazing father and really taught all of us so much and many of those lessons I am passing to you, whether through these entries or hopefully in real life. He instilled equality, understanding, acceptance, and great moral values in all of us (You Aunt, Uncle and me.)  Your Aunt might say some things about him, but know this. She was so close to him growing up, that at some point she took things really personally and got so hurt that she didn’t know how to recover from it and in turn it created a gap between her and grandfather.  So wide that now all she remembers are the bad things growing up. But in truth he was an amazing father, even if now, he doesn’t act like it. Something inside him changed, regressed, and he never recovered. I am hoping that he has recovered because I would love for you to have a relationship with him, but if you don’t well... It’s a real shame, but I’m sure I will tell you more stories about him in coming Father’s Days.    

[notyetafather-blog]

Sometimes no matter what you do you can't do anything right.

On those days when you try and try and things just don't work and somehow things get twisted and you keep getting the wrap for it. Well, those days you just have to remember, tomorrow is another day and tomorrow you just restart and try harder and better. Brush it off, sometimes these things happen. You take a deep breath and push on. That's the best advice I can give you for those type of days.

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Kinda profound thought hit me this morning:

Everyday, we wake up and on those days we aren't feeling it and we take a day off from our dreams and we put it aside saying, "I'll do it tomorrow." Those are the days someone else is getting a "yes" to your dreams. It could have been the "yes" I had been waiting for, instead I decided, "eh, I won't stay up the extra hour to work on my personal stuff and I'll watch TV." Make every day count, especially on those days you feel like taking off. It could be the day you finally get your yes. 

These are the exact moments I started this for you guys. So, I wouldn't forget these special moments and hopefully one day you can read them and see the fire I had in my youth and hopefully it will spark it in you. Light the world with your fire.

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Every individual deserves to be treated like a human being. No matter how rich, poor, color, or preference everyone is a person. 

With that, never ignore someone even if they are sleeping on the sidewalk. Never walk past them pretending like they don't exist. Acknowledge them, understanding that with a couple wrong choices, this could happen to anyone, including you. And if you can, every penny counts and if that's what you can spare then spare it. And if you can't then that's okay too, not pretending like you didn't just walk past them goes a long way. 

[notyetafather-blog]

Don't ever be afraid to sing as loud as you want in the car. You will look ridiculous, but that's kind of the point. It's okay to look silly as long as you're having fun. So enjoy every minute of it because it's a great way to start the day.

[notyetafather-blog]

Wronged

I don't know if I've told you about my stories, but sometimes in life there are people who are just assholes. There are people who only look out for themselves and they don't care if they have to step on you to get higher, throw you under the bus, or sometimes they even make things up to make them look good and get rid of the competition. I've dealt with this, especially in the industry I am pursuing my future in. I never thought it would get as bad as I've experienced, I only thought that kind of stuff happens in the movies, but it happens in real life as well. I've been to the point where I hated the people who took part in backstabbing me. I've been to the point where I wanted to tell them off. I've been so pissed, where I wanted to reveal to the world just what kind of person they really are! But, I've held my tongue for the most part. Things in life have a way of evening themselves out and the last thing I would want you to do is stoop to their level and get them back. F' them. Do you really want to know how to throw it in their faces? Be better, accomplish yourself in your life and your career so that one day they read your name in a paper or move credits or see you on TV and they know just how accomplished you've become and they feel stupid. Become their boss and then make them fear every day they come in you might just fire them, but don't actually fire them. Let them mess up, let them show their colors on their own to everyone else. 

Now, you might read this and say, "Should we walk away from everything like chickens?" The answer is no. It's one thing to walk away and be a better person, it's another to let them take advantage of you and treat you below the level every human should be treated, decently. And yes, there's a fine line there son/daughter. Hopefully, I've done my job as your parent and taught you how to walk that line. It's tough, but be strong and if you have to defend yourself I will always be behind you. One day I'll tell you my stories and some are far fetched, but very real.  

And remember at some point they came to that crossing to be a good person or walk down the wrong path and they made their choice. You really want to get into it, then just think about what terrible experience they had to deal with that made them so angry they chose to do the bad thing. Were they abused mentally or physically by an adult in their life? Did someone do so many terrible things that they broke inside and couldn't ever heal? There's always a story to every action a person takes. Always. If you think about it that way, it's kind of sad that they could never recover. Maybe, that can help you walk away.

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This one is for me as much as it is for you. This was a fun book, very meta about Star Trek and it had some fun ideas. It was nothing crazy, but overall a good time. Overall, it didn't have a huge message but at the end there are 3 "Codas" which are basically continuing stories within the meta world it lives in involving characters we left with some questions and it's in these that it had a very interesting message and that is why I am mentioning it here to you. If you want to be a writer of books, TV, movies, whatever it may be, pretend your characters are real people. Imagine that whatever you write becomes real life to them. If you choose to kill them, or make them do something, make it worth a damn, make it mean something to the characters themselves. Any writer who's worth a damn should already care about their characters, but if you had to explain yourself to them as if they were standing in front of you, then this will really make you think, this will really make you consider what it is you're writing and thus you will write better. If you pretend they are real you will absolutely never ever want to kill anyone, however sometimes a story calls for it and it's needed. So, if there comes a time when you need to kill them, sit the character down and explain it to them and imagine their reactions (I know this sounds absurd, but really think about it.) What would the character say when you told them how and why they die? How would they react? Would they be okay with it? Would they understand or would they think it's stupid and they hate you for it? If you don't think they would understand, then maybe the death your writing isn't worth telling? And in the end all great writers just want to tell a story worth telling. So, if you choose to be a writer, hopefully his will help you as I will be thinking about it every time I write my own stories from here on out. And if you don't want to be a writer, then you can probably just skip this post. 

Night.

[notyetafather-blog]

Waiting

     So, I've been thinking about this the last day or so and I started to think of questions you may have. Questions, as to why you're not already here learning these things firsthand for me. Well, for one, hopefully I am there teaching you these things as well as you referencing this blog. And two, this was something I wanted to make for you. The first thing I ever make for you. I don't know, maybe I've become impatient with waiting and I wanted to start preparing for you? Aren't women supposed to want kids? I mean, now a days how many men jump at being a father before they actually become one!? Haha. Look, honest truth, I am anxious for the day I become your father, but there's a reason, so hear me out.

     SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many people in this day and age are not prepared. They have "accidents" or are immature or just plain stupid! And it annoys the hell out of me! They start families when they can't even support themselves, or they get pregnant to keep their boyfriend or girlfriend in their lives and it's STUPID! These are not the reasons to bring you into this world. Maybe, it's already happened around you with some of your classmates or friends or even in our own family. I mean, no one is above mistakes or being stupid at times. I know I've had my fair share of stupid, but this is happening all around and it's not okay. To bring you into existence before I have had the chance to create a decent life for you is not okay in my book. Right now, I have no meaningful person to share my life with, I owe tons in student loans, and no means to support your future. I am eager to become your father and I am eager to start living out that chapter in our lives but, when I hold you for the first time and when I look into your eyes, I want to know inside myself that I have done everything possible to make your life the best life I can make it. I want to know I can provide for you, give you all the school supplies you need, (I'm going to use old man talk) "put food on the table," and in general I want to be the father I know I can be to you. And until I can be that, you had to wait. Besides, the longer I wait, the better chance you might have to live to see flying cars! The odds of me seeing them are kinda slimming down and I do not like that one bit.

     I hope, when you are older you feel the exact same way. I hope you wait and start a family when you are ready. I hope you choose to follow your dreams and become the man or woman you want to be, before you have a son or daughter of your own. Having a kid is a lot of responsibility and I know most likely there are people around you having kids and I'm telling you, you do not have to be one of them if you choose not to. Start your family on your time. That's why you're not here learning this all from me firsthand, but hey it gives me time to make this for you. It gives me time to show you how much I care before you're even in my life. Because I do care, a lot. And if you care about your future kid, then you will wait and think it out beforehand. I just realized, this long post, was just so I can tell you to remember to wear a rubber or take your monthly pill, whichever may apply to you.

Love you.

[notyetafather-blog]

The Beginning

So here is where you start. And by you, I am referring to you, my future son or daughter. Either way, let's be honest, if I've picked the right mom for you, then your name will be Ender. That also depends on if your Uncle had a kid first, but that's for another time. I think the first question you have is, "Why this way?" Well, that's actually the easiest question to answer. I've seen so many different ways to use the internet and some amazing people have written emails for their grandkids or shown beautiful photos of families geeking out together or making paper dresses (these will probably be posted here at some point,) so I figure, why can't I use it for a better purpose then to promote my career and my life? Why not leave a message or I don't know, life lessons as I learn them for you to understand me and get to know me better in case I'm not there for whatever reason (which better be death, otherwise I'll be there for you, I promise.) As people get older we forget things, heck I forget little things already and I hate it! As I'm sure your mother hates it as well, whomever that may come to be. Maybe, one of these posts will be about how her and I met, or I'll write about our date the second I get home from it. That would be interesting and weird all at that same time. Any who, sometimes I get these moments of clarity, of understanding that I really really really really wish I could remember to share with you someday and since right now you're not here I figure this way I won't forget. One day, when you're old enough to understand, you can go through these and read them as you need. For that, I'll leave hashtags you can search through for specific moments or ideas like #firstlove or #20 meaning either when you're in love or when you're at least 20 you can type that in and read those specific blogs that relate to whatever it is you might be going through. Or, if you're old enough you can just start from this post and well, read. Now, that I've explained what this is all about I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I know I will enjoy writing these for you. Because, I already love you unconditionally and you aren't even here yet. And yes, unconditionally. If there is one thing in this entire blog I hope you take away is that there is no reason whatsoever, that I will not love you. If you are gay, straight, bi, make mistakes, have weird tendencies, cry a lot, aren't into movies (This one will hurt ALOT, but I will still love you,) have tempers, get sent to the principals office, get into drugs (God I hope not, but I will be here for you through all of it,) whatever the case may be, I will always Love you. Enjoy reading son or daughter or both together, twins?! I mean it does run in the family. Shit.