Letters You'll Never Read

To all the boys I've loved, to all the girls I've cared for, to all the people who mattered, to all the changes I aspired after, and to the things that could've been. I hope you never come across this, but if you do... I hope all is well for you

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

Sitting on the roof, the cool breeze against our warm skin, watching the city lights stretch far beneath the vast darkness of the sky. He pulled me close, gently but firmly, and I thought it was just the attraction budding between us. But now I know that he felt every word I said, and heard everything I didn't say. Now I know that he saw what was broken, and held it to keep it from falling apart. Not too loose that it might slip from his grip, but not too tight that it might shatter into pieces. He held it just right. He held me just right. And I am home.

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

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There was always something about learning that picks on the depths of your being. A new skill, a new language, a new theory. A new truth.

It wasn't until you learned the language of the world that you found out we have been listening, but we have never really understood what it said.

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

I'm starting to believe, and it's scary... But not as scary as I thought it would be

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

I just feel so happy and lucky, I wanna cry 🥲

How do you make something last?

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

Bakit po ang kyut nyo? Huehue

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

Too tired, too hurt, too broken to take risks

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

When life's waves are turbulent, when they rock us strongly enough to knock the breath out of our lungs, when the heart is filled with rage and anguish and misery and helplessness, I find all I can do is stay still. I'm afraid that if I move, I'd fall apart and shatter into a thousand pieces. I don't have the energy to pick myself up if that happens.

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

Today my dog died.

I have just finished work and am on the bus home when I checked my phone and saw messages from my siblings. My dog is gone.

If emotion was a line, mine is straight and flat. I don't know what to feel, and I don't feel anything. I reach deep inside for sadness, for misery or pain. I search for all the reasons why this is painful, try to will out tears, because maybe then I can feel the loss and mourn in time. But nothing.

And maybe this is grief. Maybe grieving doesn't always mean crying your eyes out, shattered hearts and anguished reminiscing. Maybe grief is the hollow pit left in the middle of your gut, sucking at everything from the core of your being. When you want to cry and feel sad and scream and feel the intensity of it all, but there's nothing.

I can't feel anything, not even the frays of this gaping hole. It's just hollow.

At least, my heart is.

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along...

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

You kept me close, but still stood out of my reach. I fell in love. I got confused. I was lonely. I've been hurting, aching, waiting, hoping, loving for an eternity.

Then you let go. But it didn't hurt as much as when you stayed. And maybe that was all the closure I needed.

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

You finally move, reach out to people, struggle against adversity, and see yourself move one step at a time. You see progress in inches, but you know that one inch forward is one inch closer to somewhere.

And you begin to realize that you have power to do things you thought you couldn't. And you learn that yes, it was hard, it still is, but you are more than capable.

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

It was like I was tired and hurt, but I didn't want to rest or stop hurting. I protect my wounds like how they normally protect their child, and nurture it like how they nurture love.

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

She would've made such a lovely bride, what a shame she's fucked in the head, they said

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

I don't want to fight anymore.

I want peace. I want to be able to work and just think about work, to not feel like I should constantly be on the lookout for something that might come for me.

All these fighting and issues are eating the life out of me, they're making my flames burn with negativity while extinguishing the light of my soul.

I want it to bring out the best in me, not bring out the worst in me.

Someone called me last night, and he asked me how I handle it while crying. And honestly? I don't. I just shove it into the corner. And when that corner gets full, shit overflows. And I break down too, without even the littlest external triggers, like how he did last night.

I don't want to live like this, or put up with this. Yeah, we can be tough and get through it but I don't think we have to. We don't deserve to. If our mental health is not reason enough for us to leave, our self-respect should be. And if that still isn't enough, I pity how little we value ourselves.

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

But maybe I don't have to go back. Maybe I have to let go, move forward, and grow

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

Trying to find my way back... To where? I don't know either.

[notyourtypicalchemgeek]

You can say anything to your safe person, and although you won't be understood all the time, you'd still be accepted.

But you don't have to voice out everything, every single time. Your safe person will also accept that.