Heyyy first time sending an ask
I... often find myself hating my irl friends. I was isolated for most of my teenhood and a little bit of my adulthood so I don't exactly have a solid idea on what true friendships look like, but these people are the only irl support group I have. And within me hating them, I have also found ways to humor them and find a fondness in them. I find if I view them as characters that I get to interact with rather than real people, their awfulness becomes easier to deal with and I have an easier time being nice with them and hanging out with them while not taking it too seriously if they say something that pisses me off. But then I get a weird, painful tightness in my throat when they do something nice for me and it seems genuine. And it makes me wonder if I could maybe be mistreating these people without realizing it since it reminds me that these actually are real people with thoughts and ideas about me.
I struggle to form a real connection with anyone and I sometimes see how these people are connected to eachother and I wonder if it would be worth the while to form an actual connection with them and feel a true form of friendship.
But here's tha thing: I hate them for a reason. So many of them think it's absolutely fine and dandy to drive while intoxicated and as someone with vehicle trauma that pisses me the fuck off. One is in her 30s right now but I knew her when she was in her 20s and I am guessing she is hoping that I entirely forgot that she "used to be" pro-pedophilia (like, actual pedophilia not just fictional shit). I put that in quotes because she says a LOT of the same dog whistles she used to say while trying to awkwardly pretend she's talking about a completely different topic. Who knows if she still is or isn't. One of them thinks its fine to beat kids. One of them is "neutral" on palestinian genocide and is not interested in listening to what any of us have to say. Like. These people fucking suck. Being around these people could destroy any chance at me being an artist or author. But also, not having any friends at all has also seriously destroyed my previous attempts at content creation. Turns out you need to know people and regularly interact with them to get any sort of chance at anything career-related.
But I could also see myself changing these people. Make them better humans. I had to force myself to intellectually use empathy without naturally feeling it so surely these people who do naturally feel it can learn the use it. Because almost all of them have a lot of redeeming traits that I don't see in other people. They're anti-ableism, pro-queer, and actually listen to me when I explain and describe intersectionality and intersectional feminism. They're a bunch of white people, so it's a struggle to get them to understand when they've said something racist. But most of them are actually trying to better themselves. And they've even said some things to me that has pushed me to better myself.
But the issue is that if I want to put the effort into turning them into better people then I have to 1. Get emotionally involved with them for real and 2. Understand that it's not garenteed to work as it largely depends on what they choose to do with the information I give them (as I can not control them, only support them when they want to change).
I think the ex-pedo and the genocide fence sitter are lost causes. I've known them both for a very long time and they're genuinely just selfish, stupid people. They can remain as aquaintences that I don't allow in my life outside of the support group. The others though... they have potential. But is it worth the risk, time, and energy? I'm not so sure.
I'm friends with people I hate, whom I met at a support group
I don't entirely hate all of them, and some I have managed to form a nice pleasant pseudo-connection
I could put in the effort of helping them become better people, but that comes with its own risks (as there is no garentee they'll accept my advice either way)
Pros of being their friend: having friends or aquaintences is required to start my dream career, having genuine connections could help me move into managing my npd symptoms in regards to relationships, it could be genuinely fulfilling, it could feel nice to help people change
Cons of being their friend: being friends with horrid pasts who may not wish to change could jeopardize my future reputation, since I currently feel a repulsion for a lot of them I may accidentally start treating them poorly which could affect my reputation and friendships, this could end up being more stressful than what it's worth
You don't need to solve my problem, but I would like an opinion. Thank you!
Personally, I would say to tread carefully. If seeing them as funny little characters is working for you, keeping you afloat instead of damaging your mental health further, allowing you to circumvent your hatred and treat them more kindly than you may otherwise, ect, then I don't see anything wrong with continuing to do so.
However, if you think getting more emotionally involved with them may work out, then go for it! I'd suggest being a bit careful though. Is there a way to compromise both for a bit until you have a better idea on how going full in would go? I personally have gotten into many friendships where my main goal was to support and psychoanalyze them without ever getting truly emotionally attached. It might be worth making an attempt at testing the waters of their cooperation before putting any emotional weight behind it, just to be safe.
