Here I am at 3 am
I taste you on my tongue with every new stranger I kiss,
I swallow it down in frustration every time they fail to kiss me like you did.
Their breath turns stale on my lips every time I picture you...
You with your messed up hair like a veil upon your face,
The cocky smirk at the corner of your smile, the devious spark in your eyes,
You and the warmth of your body against mine, the soothing sound of your voice whispering in my ears like prayers.
[...]
They touch me with sweaty palms while you dugged holes in me with sun-kissed fingers.
I miss you deliriously.
Your hands, you lips, your arms that swallowed me whole like a home you never wanna leave.
I miss you... Deliriously trying to replace you with something new.
With something better...
But it's dark now, and there's no one on my side, just a void on my left and the cold wall on my right.
I keep trying to find what we had,
To plant the seed and give it life in someone else,
In someone new, in someone better.
I keep trying to water plants that refuse to grow roots into the ground.
I keep trying to feel that warmth, that level of intimacy, of instant recognition, and ease.
I keep trying to feel loved again. A better love, a healthier love,
I keep trying to love someone more worthy of my whole.
But here I am again, thinking of you.
Here I am wishing I never realised I deserve better.
Here I am missing every single inch of everything that hurt me for so long.
Here I am defeated and exhausted of carrying a love too stubborn to die but too sick to flourish.
Here I am struggling to write a chapter in which you do not fit anymore. Here I am trying to bury the only thing that gave me life.
Here I am admitting loving you at 3 am hoping this will make it go away.
I wonder how you are again, and there are days when I wish you to be happy, at peace, and even moved on.
Moved on with someone who can complete you, and accept you in all the ways I couldn't.
But there are moments as today when I hope you're staring at the celling thinking of the missing pillow next to you. Thinking of me in ways that make your heart ache.
Here I am,
And there you are two blocks away from me.
Here I am hoping we are alone together.
What a strange thing to want him gone but wish him closer.
Love is really good at ignoring the warnings of the mind.
It beats its own drums and follows it's own rules. It grows a life of it's own and suddenly you live two lives.
Suddenly your mind ain't quick enough to give reason to your heart.









