I don't think there's anything more cruel than forceful institutionalization under the guise of 'helping' someone. Earlier this year, I was high up a school building, prepared to kill myself. Instead, I was 'saved' by someone who thought they were helping me. The cops came, forcibly grabbing my arms and dragging me down an elevator, into their car, and cuffing me until I was dumped in a hospital bed at 3AM. There I sat, in a room surrounded by windows, laying under a thin blanket, almost nude in the thin piece of paper they had me wearing, under constant observation. This was already torture, can you even fucking imagine? I stayed like this for eight hours. Why was I waiting there? For a spot to open up in a mental institution, they told me.
And that was the truth! another ambulance came, I was strapped down to the bed in the back, and carted away still without any sleep or privacy. Finally, I thought! I would be somewhere comfortable. They unloaded me and had me walk in. It was full of people I didn't know, I was practically nude in front of strangers, as they had not given me back possession of my actual clothes. They settled me in, told me I would be safe there; which is exactly when the psychological torture started. …At least they showed the mercy of giving me my pills and clothes.
Tell me, have you ever been denied access to your phone and access to any outside communication with your loved ones for days? Have you ever been subject to violations of your private regions, and several forceful medical examinations? Have you ever been in a place with no clocks, where you aren't allowed to know the time without begging a nurse to tell you? Have you ever been forced into grippy socks, and force-fed food you can't eat? Have you ever been stuck in a place where the bathroom has no door? Can you imagine being a transfem and trapped for DAYS in a place where they will not let you shave your face or do your injections? Oh, but fret not! There was allotted 'outside time' where we were given the magnificent privilege of walking around a barren, walled courtyard, filled with turf for 15 minutes twice a day. I never had a consistent roommate, they changed them out every day. I was allowed no privacy, not even while sleeping. Snoring kept me up for hours, the hard mattress refusing to let me sleep, even though I would've gotten 5 hours at most given the regimen they kept there. What a mercy I had been shown by being forcibly sent here! As fucking if.
I realized my only way out of this psychological torture chamber was not honesty, not recovery, not healing, but lies and the same happy deception I had enacted for years on my horribly abusive parents. I had to lie my way out. I had to put on my biggest smile, my happiest face, my cheeriest attitude, my most happy-go-lucky tranny face, and fucking brute-force my jailers into believing that I was okay, that I suddenly wasn't suicidal anymore. And you know what? It fucking worked. It fucking worked because none of those people knew me. None of those people wanted to help me. None of those people could help me, even if they wanted to. And so, I got out a day before my psychiatric hold period officially ended. I never followed the recovery criteria they gave me, I never did anything they told me to. Forced institutionalization helps no one. It is not a kindness, it is psychological torture, physical torture, and an utter cruelty. Why, then, do you think your suicidal friends are so terrified of telling you or their therapist about the thoughts they're having?
In fact, I think that if I had known all that would happen to me, that I would be 'saved', while I was up high on that building, I think i would have gone through with it and jumped.
